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Should I do something or stay out dh mil sil

(59 Posts)
Lemongingertea80 Tue 13-Feb-18 04:48:55

This is all getting so muddled in my head and I don't know what I should do. I'll try not to drip feed.

SIL is getting married and it is abroad. It will cost us several thousand to go. Last year, I indicated we would and that we were really looking forward to it. I found flights, accommodation, planned it all, booked my leave at work etc.

Dh never shared my enthusiasm and never looked at flights or accommodation etc. He seemed disinterested in the whole thing and when I tried to show him places etc he wasn't properly paying attention or getting enthusiastic. I then backed off the arrangements as it was getting irritating and it's his side of the family after.all. He is civil with his sister but they are not close at all.

I see MIL every week when she sees the children. Recently I let mil know in conversation we haven't booked anything as she keeps asking, and i hinted to mil that dh wasn't keen on going but didn't really expand on why as I think that's his concern. And I'm not clear why myself anyway, not sure he is either!

Basically it is now at the point where it is much more expensive for us to go. Dh is saying that we can't afford it now which is a bit annoying as if we wanted to we could although it would blow our savings as we are in a tight patch. Plus it would have been cheaper if we had booked earlier but he stalled and didn't want to so it obviously isn't just about the money.

Now MIL keeps messaging me to say we can borrow money from them to go which is ridiculous in my view. Why would we take on debt to go to someone elses wedding??

I am not keen on being the one to explain dh doesn't want to go. I think it's his issue he needs to sort out with his relatives.

I am disappointed with the situation as in theory it could have been a lovely experience for the children and they will miss out on a family wedding but I have zero intention of going without him. Nor do I want to put pressure on him to go somewhere he doesn't want to go and then be dragging round a stroppy dh and paying for the pleasure of it. It is not the kind of place we would choose to Holiday so we going for the one day of wedding activity. But we would have to go for at least a week.

Aibu? Should I be making good with the in laws on this or should I leave it to him? What should I say to mil who is trying to get me to sort it all out? I sense a family drama looming arrggghhhh. Help me!

Cavender Tue 13-Feb-18 04:56:13

I would say “DH, it’s up to you whether we go, it’s your sister but you need to discuss this with your Mum. I’m not going to make excuses. Make a decision and communicate it to your Mum and Sister.

I’m going to refer them both to you if they ask again.

readysteadyteddy Tue 13-Feb-18 04:59:08

His monkey, his circus. Don't be pressurised by MIL or anyone else. SIL has chosen to get married in a place that costs thousands to go to, her choice. You don't have yo spend your money on her. and think it is selfish of her/MIL/whoever to expect people to go.

If MIL texts or speaks to you about it, just tell her to speak to her son. If she's contacting you rather than him it is because she thinks you are the weak link. Ignore her.

(BTW, my younger SIL purposefully got married overseas because she knew that older SIL wouldn't be able to go. It also meant that loads of people, including DH and I, couldn't go but she didn't mind. She just didn't want OSIL there.)

AstridWhite Tue 13-Feb-18 05:15:05

Just tell your MIL to speak to your DH about it. If his concerns are purely financial then a loan from MIL might persuade him, but only if he'd really love to go. If he's not the fussed then he might nor be prepared to go into debt over it and I don't blame him.

People who book destination weddings where their family and friends needing to spend several thousand pounds to be there need to be prepared to hear that their special day is not everyone's top priority on what to spend a huge chunk of their disposable income on that year. Even if it's close family.

I don't think he should be put under pressure and it's up to him to tell his sister and mum how he feels himself.

AstridWhite Tue 13-Feb-18 05:16:11

god that was a garbled load of crap, sorry.

Too early, need brew

Lemongingertea80 Tue 13-Feb-18 05:58:49

Thanks for your replies. You are so right that she thinks I'm the weak link. I am.

k567 Tue 13-Feb-18 06:09:05

Forget the whole thing. This situation is his fault. You were organised and tried but he was non-responsive so you've got nothing to feel bad about. It's a waste of money to pay more for something that was cheaper before. The children could still have a great experience with money spent more wisely especially if you're having trouble getting the funds together at the moment.

KayaG Tue 13-Feb-18 06:23:33

Destination weddings are the height of selfishness. Your DH is right not to want to waste family money on such selfishness.

AstridWhite Tue 13-Feb-18 06:31:16

Within reason I don't see any issue with a bit of selfishness on your wedding day. It is supposed to be all about you two and what you both want, after all. However the right to have your wedding somewhere expensive and far away will inevitably mean that some people will be unable or unwilling to participate.

It's only when you start sulking and having temper tantrums over that and wilfully refusing to see their perfectly reasonable POV that you become a Bridezilla PITA. You should always book a destination wedding with that in mind and sound out the most important key people on your would-be guest list first.

FrancisCrawford Tue 13-Feb-18 06:41:25

Don’t even consider a loan if you are strapped for cash, it would be insane.

Just bat MIL back to DH each time she texts or calls.

Lemongingertea80 Tue 13-Feb-18 06:42:55

This is why I feel guilty, they did sound me out and I was really positive and excited about the whole thing!

Aarrgghh. They did not sound out dh and he has never been positive about it. I wish I had kept my mouth shut!

DownTownAbbey Tue 13-Feb-18 06:44:43

You're being very diplomatic. Obviously you know your family dynamic but I'd be tempted to be honest with MIL. Your DH seems reluctant to be the 'bad' guy to his family so he might blame you (directly or indirectly) and create years of animosity. Even hinting that you had the opportunity to book earlier and didn't would mean that they can focus on you rather than him. Don't allow it!

Surely in laws can guess that £££ and destination aren't DH's idea of fun?

Lemongingertea80 Tue 13-Feb-18 06:51:51

You are probably right that they know he isn't really interested in the whole thing and that is why they are angling this via me.

I think the we can't afford it excuse is a pathetic red herring. We could afford it if we prioritised it but we have a lot of big financial commitments at the moment and they are our priority. They were our priority when the whole trip would have been cheaper and they are still our priority now the whole trip is much more expensive.

How do we say that nicely and honestly.

I guess I don't really trust dh to do it either. And his lack of communication is leading to this ridiculous we will lend you money to go to someone's wedding.

NotAnotherEmma Tue 13-Feb-18 06:51:59

I'd tell husband to work it out with his family and tell his family to talk to him about it.

I think it's unreasonable for anyone planning a destination wedding to expect people to drop thousands to go to it just because they're family so his family is definitly being unreasonable.

NotAnotherEmma Tue 13-Feb-18 06:54:12

I'd really stay out of it too since they seem to be trying to manipulate him through you. They should have enough respect for you two and your marriage, to not do that.

CherryMaDeary Tue 13-Feb-18 06:58:15

Please don't make the wedding a priority over other financial commitments.

SIL should have known that there is a risk that people won't go to a wedding abroad.

Refer everyone to DH but I think you should prioritise your other commitments.

Esspee Tue 13-Feb-18 07:06:05

I cannot see why anyone would spend money they can't afford on a destination wedding. The money you save by not going could be better used to build a financial cushion for your family for the future. When money is tight the last thing you should do is borrow.
Simply pass on all questions regarding the wedding to your husband and support him on his decision.

FrancisCrawford Tue 13-Feb-18 07:09:47

How do we say that nicely and honestly
“I’m sorry, but we can’t afford it”

Olddear Tue 13-Feb-18 07:14:29

'Sorry, you'll have to speak to DH' job done.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Tue 13-Feb-18 07:15:36

Stop communicating with her - refer her back to your DH every time.

"It's DH's decision, it's his sister"
"It's DH's decision, he hasn't arranged it"
"It's DH's decision, he doesn't want to put us into debt over it"

Just say on repeat to everything they throw at you until they stop trying to get at him through you - and go to him directly. Then he can dither about with it or decide to go or tell them straight he's not game to do it.

Lemongingertea80 Tue 13-Feb-18 07:16:57

How does anyone negotiate these problems without the help of mumsnet.

anothernetter Tue 13-Feb-18 07:17:11

Please don't blow your savings on this event. What happened if one of you god forbid got made redundant - how would you pay the mortgage. Have of all weddings these days are vanity parades for the selfie generation.

anothernetter Tue 13-Feb-18 07:17:40

* half

Tensecondrule Tue 13-Feb-18 07:27:24

I think it's time for you to have a frank chat to your MIL face to face, without any concern about dropping your DH in it. Just tell her that while you thought it was a great idea to go, and put the time into trying to arrange it, he was not interested and now the prices have risen. Make it clear to her that any further discussions about it need to be between her and her son. I have every sympathy as this is exactly the kind of situation (not weddings abroad exactly, but social engagements) that I've found myself in over the years. I reached a point where I was sick of being the fall guy every time DH didn't fancy something his parents/family had arranged, so I made it clear to him that he had to sort things with them. Several times after that they would mention arrangements to me and I would refer them back to him.

timeisnotaline Tue 13-Feb-18 07:38:26

You can’t afford it is NOT a red herring. If I had other big family commitments I would not prioritise a wedding overseas just because I could find the cash if I had to and your dh sounds the same. I would never take a loan. Say I’m sorry I sounded excited it did sound nice but dh has looked at it and we can’t afford it. Of course we won’t take a loan, if it were that important for everyone to be there they wouldn’t have it overseas. And then say talk to Dh, he’s very clear.

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