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How would you help someone with an abusive husband?

(5 Posts)
AnaViaSalamanca Mon 12-Feb-18 17:37:28

So our cleaner's husband is quite abusive. He takes all her money from her and checks her phone and is in general very controlling it seems. She has four children, is not very educated and speaks poor English. I am not sure about her legal status immigration-wise either. We would like to help her somehow, but beyond buying stuff for her through amazon rather than paying cash, and giving her some books and school supplies and clothes we haven't done anything.

Also she seems to be getting into some MLM schemes, which both DP and I tried to talk her out of it.

I wanted to know if anyone has suggestions about how to help her without getting involved too much, just maybe financially, and for the kids.

GrumpyOldBlonde Mon 12-Feb-18 17:59:28

Could you help her open a secret bank account to squirrel bits of money away? Explain to her that actually here in the UK her husband's behaviour is now breaking the law? Point her in the direction of Women's aid and maybe help here speak to them. If it's really awful and the kids are suffering speak to the school about your concerns?

Difficult I do see.

jaseyraex Mon 12-Feb-18 18:05:27

There's really not a whole lot you can do. Try and explain her options to her, tell her about women's aid etc. Does she understand that what her husband is doing is wrong? Are the kids in any danger? You could speak to the school but if social services get involved then it could make things worse for your cleaner. All you can do is try and help her see how wrong it is and help her if she decides she wants to leave him. Perhaps try and help her put money aside. It's lovely that you want to help her OP.

SueEllenFan123 Mon 12-Feb-18 18:31:12

My OH and I are both Middle Aged (couldn't think of a better phrase!) and have been together a few years and both have grown up kids, but not with each other. He is very successful in his profession, and I am unable to work due to long term health conditions and a disability. As a result he is quite busy and I feel quite isolated. I do have a few established friends who I have wonderful relationships with.
Because of my physical decline and isolation I do lack a bit in terms of self esteem. My OH can be very supportive and encouraging but I have noticed over the last year or so he can be very critical - he describes in great detail how he would deal with my conditions if he had them. And it's very different to how I cope!
The last few times I have been quite ill he has lost his temper. I passed out a few weeks ago and he was screaming at me whilst I was on the floor - he told me later on he was just scared. A few days later I had to crawl along the floor (happens now and again) and he saw me and walked off. He told me it's because it broke his heart to see me like that.
On a trip out last year I became very weak and went to the loo. A nurse happened to walk in and spotted what was happening. She went to find him, and he was very kind. When she left the loo he was shouting at me that he wasn't putting up with my bullshit, and why was I on the floor? The nurse had put me there.
He can be very kind in many ways, he does have a high pressured job and to be fair I can be hard work when I get frustrated.
But for some reason I feel scared. I'm not sleeping because of it, I am losing weight and fretting, in tears a lot and also trying to look after a very sick relative.
Not sure how my intuition is working right now!
He has also told me because of my mood swings related to my health and age he feels that he is a victim of abuse, and I feel terrible in case that's true.
Basically, I don't know whether I am coming or going! Over the weekend someone I don't know too well was really rude to me, and I just walked off. He told me he never has this happen as he is all about positive energy, whereas I attract it because of the way that I am.
Am I going nuts?

LuxuryWoman2017 Mon 12-Feb-18 18:40:23

Sueellen you need to copy your post and start your own thread on the relationship board. No you are not going nuts smile

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