Sorry for long post in advance... Background: fiance is divorced (amicable split, no kids) and we've been together nearly 2.5 years (got together after he split with his ex). We have a 3 month old son who we both adore. Talked about marriage before I got pregnant - we decided it was important to both of us and we would eventually get married, but as age wasn't on my side we'd try for a baby first. Fiance proposed while I was pregnant, and now baby is here we're starting to talk about wedding plans. Problem is that it is my first marriage and his second.
I am pretty easygoing and definitely not a bridezilla - for instance we've been engaged since August and there's no ring or talk of wedding logistics until recently (baby was no1 priority obviously)! I am fully aware the MARRIAGE is what counts, and the day is after all, just one day. I can easily dispense with much of the 'fluff' that accompanies your typical wedding. Having said that, there are aspects of a wedding that are important to me. My fiance has said he wants to be married but doesn't like the idea of a ceremony/celebration. As it is his second time round he thinks it should be a very small understated thing (his first was full church white wedding 100+ guests etc). I think the whole saying the vows part freaks him out, given he said them before and it didn't last. For me, the ceremony marks the start of married life, and expressing those vows is supposed to be a meaningful moment. Of course it's not ideal that he's said them before and it didn't work out. But surely the point is it's his first time saying them to me? He claims no men are interested in the wedding day but most just won't admit it.
As to the logistics, his ideal would be to elope and not have anyone present at all - the thought of this makes me a bit sad TBH. I've compromised and I'm happy with a small registry office / pub lunch type thing with a small guest list, but now it seems he doesn't want to invite any of his friends/family other than his parents. He has said he will compromise by letting me invite "who I want" as long as he can invite who he wants, i.e. just his folks. AIBU in not being happy with this? It would be my core family and friends and just his parents on his side, i.e. basically a wedding party that is nearly all on my side? To me it feels like he is almost ashamed/embarrassed about it being his second time round and he doesn't want people who came to his first wedding to see him say the same words to someone else. He claims shame/embarrassment are not a factor, and it's just that he feels inviting his side would make him "seem blasé about marriage/divorce". I don't mind about having a small wedding, but what is important to me is us standing up in front of our nearest and dearest and proudly saying 'I pick you'. It might be sentimental, but that's how I feel.
I don't doubt for a moment that he is over his ex (he says he is much more sure about me than he was about her), or that he feels ending his prior marriage was the right thing to do, but nevertheless I feel that there is some sort of an unresolved issue with simply being divorced (I think he thinks of it as some sort of failure) that he's not prepared to admit. Am I crazy in thinking there is a difference between accepting the fact that the marriage failed and moving on, and being blasé about divorce? AIBU for thinking the fact he was married before is intruding too much into all of this? I'm starting to feel like I can't get married to him at all while he isn't at peace with how things turned out last time. Of course I wouldn't split up with him (we have our baby to think about), however the thought of not being married to him makes me miserable.
But then again, I've never been through a divorce - so maybe I am being unreasonable?!
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AIBU?
To feel sad about fiance's thoughts re wedding?
80 replies
squishytomato · 12/02/2018 17:14
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