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WWYD Moroccan lover

(147 Posts)
DreamManOrScam Mon 12-Feb-18 16:21:41

NC as outing. More WWYD than AIBU.

I have a dear friend who is very keen to settle down and have a family. Her Tinder profile says that she is looking for a husband and that she wants to have a baby. She is in her early forties.

In November she met a Moroccan man on Tinder and in January she visited him, in Morocco, for one night. She has not spent any more time with him in real life, but is planning to visit him at the end of February again. She has/will be paying for both trips. He is in his late twenties.

In the last fortnight, she has told me that they are engaged to be married and that she is working on his visa application. She believes they will be married within 4 months and that they will live in the UK. She would like to get pregnant as soon as possible.

She has told me that his English is not very good and that they have trouble communicating. She has asked him to sign up to English lessons and she believes he has started this. I know she has a team of colleagues who she has spoken to about him but she says that they are all being narrow minded about her decisions. I take that to mean they are expressing concern on her behalf. She has not listened to their advice.

My concern: that she has advertised herself as vulnerable and that someone has proposed incredibly because of this. I believe there's a good chance he would like a visa and that he thinks he can easily manipulate her into falling in love. Her family do not live in the UK and they do not have any concerns about this marriage (they have not met him). She cannot afford to raise a child on her own and would have to quit her job if she became a single mother. Of course, I could be being a worrywart and stereotyping.

I have tried encouraging a cautious approach but my advice is falling on deaf ears.

I really do not want her to be hurt. WWYD?

MrsPreston11 Mon 12-Feb-18 16:23:45

It's so hard not to stereotype in this situation.

But - I think you need to be honest.

But - I can see that if she's that desperate and thinks she's in love then she's not going to listen and it could mean the end of a friendship. sad So hard.

RunningOutOfCharge Mon 12-Feb-18 16:24:26

Well once he's here he prob won't stick around long enough to even get her pregnant

TheAntiBoop Mon 12-Feb-18 16:26:13

I don't think it will be that easy to get him A visa though.

If she doesn't earn enough to support a child will she be earning enough to meet the entry requirements?

dizzy174 Mon 12-Feb-18 16:27:15

Well once he's here he prob won't stick around long enough to even get her pregnant

newyearsameme80 Mon 12-Feb-18 16:27:32

What does she think he sees in her, that he can't find in any women in Morocco? If they both have their eyes open about the deal here then I suppose it could work.

TheButterflyOfTheStorms Mon 12-Feb-18 16:28:42

If she can't afford a baby, she doesn't have enough money to fund the immigration process. It's long, expensive and challenging.

supersop60 Mon 12-Feb-18 16:29:20

Red flags all over the place!
He's using her.

WiggyPig Mon 12-Feb-18 16:29:43

If his English isn't very good, and she doesn't speak French or Arabic, then he's unlikely to tick the "genuine and subsisting relationship" box and he won't get a visa anyway. She then faces paying lawyers' fees, court fees and the stress of a hearing, without a guaranteed outcome at the end anyway. Listing times can be 12 - 18 months and that is a long time if her biological clock is ticking.

She might not want to hear her colleagues' (or your) concerns because she wants the baby far more than she wants the husband anyway. If she is aware of the timeframe, he might look less attractive. I would offer practical support in the form of a free half hour with a solicitor who will be able to outline exactly what she is looking at.

DreamManOrScam Mon 12-Feb-18 16:31:40

@Newyears I think she's just happy to have found someone who wants to dive in head first quickly. She's aware that she needs to start trying sooner rather than later if she'd like to conceive. You're right - it could, if they're both doing it for mutually beneficial reasons I suppose.

@Theanti They have to have a joint income of £18,600 which she meets on her own (she works and lives in London). I don't think it will be easy to get a visa either.

MistressDeeCee Mon 12-Feb-18 16:32:16

I see this as resulting in a marriage, then him joining her in UK, then 2 years UK leave on basis of marriage, application for indefinite leave to remain, then once that's granted hence no longer any need to be married to stay here - she'll be dumped.

It's the age old story of women who advertise themselves as seeking marriage, a lonely sounding ad, and then accept approaches from men based overseas. They're easy prey.

I'm not British in case anyone thinks in stereotyping. Neither Moroccan - but I've lost count of women I saw back home as visitors who would pick up men, marry them and bring them to UK, then end up alone as the men eventually run off.

It's a shame but I doubt you'll be able to prevent your friend from making this mistake OP. Long distance relationships and a man with a difference seem to have a certain thrill for some reason.

newyearsameme80 Mon 12-Feb-18 16:35:10

She'd be better going to a sperm bank and would have as much of a connection.

DreamManOrScam Mon 12-Feb-18 16:35:18

@MistressDeeCee you have hit the nail on the head. This is exactly my concern.

If she really wants the baby I wish she'd just go for it on her own, without pretending there is a safety net in him which may well evaporate once she's pregnant (or he's here). At least if she were opting to have a baby on her own she'd know what she was getting herself into. I have one DD2 and have tried explaining nursery fees to her...

VladmirsPoutine Mon 12-Feb-18 16:36:52

Well there's not much then you can really do as what you've done is what I'd have advised - tell her your concerns.

It most likely will all end in shit and there will be devastation all round. But something I've come to accept in life is that some lessons are learned the hard way. Some learn or suffer harder than others.

MyBrilliantDisguise Mon 12-Feb-18 16:37:16

If she did have his child he'd have more right to stay than if she didn't.

Maybe she should take his nationality and visa out of the equation and look at whether it's wise to marry anyone when they've only met once.

Globetrotter100 Mon 12-Feb-18 16:38:22

What would he say if she suggested getting married and settling in Morocco?

lecossaise Mon 12-Feb-18 16:39:14

It's definitely not as easy as having a marriage certificate to get a visa, I would very much doubt he'll get one based on this information... although I'm not sure how much easier it is if she were to have a baby conceived on a (one night?!) visit to Morocco. Cynically speaking though, she wants a baby, he wants a visa, seems like everyone's happy. I would warn her of the likely outcome (her raising a child alone) and then be supportive when she ignores you.

chirpyburbycheapsheep Mon 12-Feb-18 16:41:32

I've spent quite a bit of time in morocco. Many of the men I met (you don't get to speak to many of the women as they are not so out in public) want to leave. They often proposed marriage quite quickly. I would be wary of this man's intentions (though I did like morocco).

But all you can do is offer your concerns as if she's set on going ahead she will do so regardless.

Perhaps you could look up cases of other women who have been duped into marrying for visas? Maybe show her that it is a 'thing'.

ConfusedWomanInHerForties Mon 12-Feb-18 16:42:17

So, she's engaged to someone she's only spent one day with?

She sounds utterly fucking bat-shit.

k2p2k2tog Mon 12-Feb-18 16:46:40

He's not going to get a spouse visa.

MikeUniformMike Mon 12-Feb-18 16:47:33

I think you are all BU. OLD can result in genuinely happy marriages, love at first sight can happen, even if you can barely speak each other's languages, and those of us old enough to remember the Deirdre and Samir storyline on Corrie will know that not all North African men are just after a visa.

Mitzimaybe Mon 12-Feb-18 16:47:45

It is much, much harder to get a spousal visa than it used to be. I'm not an expert but I think she will have difficulty getting him one, especially if his English is not good. It has taken about two years for someone I know to get his Chinese wife over.

crackerjacket Mon 12-Feb-18 16:49:00

She's mad, he's desperate for a better life.

Beetlejizz Mon 12-Feb-18 16:49:05

I see this as resulting in a marriage, then him joining her in UK, then 2 years UK leave on basis of marriage, application for indefinite leave to remain, then once that's granted hence no longer any need to be married to stay here - she'll be dumped.

No, it's now 5 years as a spouse needed before a person can go for Indefinite Leave to Remain. Rules changed a few years back. Which is not to say he couldn't possibly have ulterior motives, but he won't get ILR after 2 years.

crackerjacket Mon 12-Feb-18 16:49:32

Course not, Mike.

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