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Did your relationship with your mother change when you became a parent?

(24 Posts)
Glassofredandapackofcrisps Mon 12-Feb-18 13:00:38

Just wondering. My mum who I used to be very close to has become really distant with me since I had my daughter. It's nothing I can put my finger on but things have changed. I feel like she a bit jealous which is surprising because she really isn't maternal at all. Has anyone else had their relationship with their mother change? For better or worse.

Snowydaysarehere Mon 12-Feb-18 13:06:11

When my dm relished in my relationship break down with dd df I knew our relationship wouldn't survive. Years later I reised she actually massively lied to prevent us making up. She was never happy when I was but beamed when I was miserable. As I had more dc and she tried to give out parent advice I knew I had to go nc. Been that way for nearly 20 years and it will stay so.

mustbemad17 Mon 12-Feb-18 13:07:26

Mine improved, which was a surprise as me & my mum are really close anyway

WonderLime Mon 12-Feb-18 13:09:04

I’ve only seen her once since he was born (DS 6 months old). I used to see her monthly. She doesn’t text or speak to me on the phone. I don’t know why - she’s never explained.

Laiste Mon 12-Feb-18 13:17:18

My mum was ok about the announcement about DC1, eye-rolly about DC2, and positively cats bum faced about DC3.

It was jealousy. I'm an only child and she hates me living my life differently to her.

Loads of examples i could give but it builds a picture of general low level bitter jealousy all the time for yeas and years. It's ugly and effects almost everything that comes out of her mouth. I can see it all now i'm older. She doesn't even know she's doing it i don't think. Weight loss, holidays, new things, house moves, no. of children, marriage ... it's always the cats bum face and the change of subject or subtle put down.

No idea why she's like it. She's had a nice life.

Sorry, i'm rambling!

Glassofredandapackofcrisps Mon 12-Feb-18 13:17:45

Quite common then! I'm a single mum and have suffered quite badly with post natal anxiety. Her response has always been to 'pull my self together and stop being morbid'
Her mother(my nan) is a complete narcissist and compulsive liar and I never thought my mum would turn out like that

RoryAndLogan Mon 12-Feb-18 13:18:36

In some ways it's the same, in a lot of ways though it's changed a lot and we're much closer. She absolutely adores her grandchild and so we're closer because she's brilliant with them, weirdly in another way we're less close as I feel a tiny bit like I'm less of her daughter and more her grandchild-producer. Which could entirely be in my head rather than anything she thinks.

Either way, I think it's almost impossible for your relationship to stay the same after having a baby.

PerfPower Mon 12-Feb-18 13:23:14

I've never been particularly close to my mum but when I had my children I found it really difficult to understand her. She was quite violent when I was young and I'd look at my little children and just thing 'How? How was she able to do it?' I didn't see her for about 3 years when my children were pre-schoolers and it was because I just couldn't get my head around it. We're ok superficially now and see each other every couple of weeks but our relationship has changed for the worse. Also, my (adult) dd isn't keen on her and how your children view your parents can affect your own view of them.

Allabitmuchisntit Mon 12-Feb-18 13:23:20

My mother was completely uninterested throughout my pregnancy and little dd.

‘I’m not to be called gran and I won’t be doing any babysitting’ - literally first thing she said when I told her I was pregnant.

Beamur Mon 12-Feb-18 13:26:02

Mine did. I was close to my Mum and we remained so, but it did make me question some things about my own childhood.

PerfPower Mon 12-Feb-18 13:30:31

I just wanted to add after reading a few other posts, my mum is always delighted and supportive with any good news or achievements with any of us and I think it's genuine. Unfortunately the flip side of that is she's judgemental and critical with bad news or failings, so we don't tell her.

Glassofredandapackofcrisps Mon 12-Feb-18 13:30:53

Interesting perf my nan was and is vile when I was a small child she would wind me up saying horrid things about my dad and when I snapped would tell everyone how badly behaved I was. My mum has never stood up to her on my behalf.
My mum absolutely dotes on my daughter it's overbearing at times.

WonderLime Mon 12-Feb-18 13:33:17

Actually on the flip side I have a lot more contact with MIL since DS was born, and it’s really strengthened my DP’s relationship with his mum. He used to speak with her once every few months and now they talk weekly.

Definitely varies on the individual.

Stompythedinosaur Mon 12-Feb-18 13:35:44

Mine has changed for the better. While we didn't have a terrible relationship before, I felt angry that she had generally failed to protect me from quite an abusive upbringing from my father.

She has been brilliant and supportive with my dds, and we were able to talk about my childhood, and how sorry she is that we didn't do the nice things my dds get to do, how she wanted to do better for me but felt trapped.

I have really appreciated her help and I can see how much she's valued having another go at looking after young kids in the way she would have liked to if my father was not there.

snotato Mon 12-Feb-18 13:36:17

When I was overdue with ds 7 years ago,I had a bleed so went to the hospital.
I called my mum to let her know,but she was pissed as a fart,so I told her not to come to the hospital.
While I was there with my legs spread and 2 nurses trying to figure out why I was bleeding so much, a nurse came in and said “somebody is here to see you”
Cue my drunk mum falling through the door,saying “this is so exciting, you’re going to be a mummy”
I wasn’t sure if my ds was even going to survive.

After ds was born (by emergency c-section) she was hounding me to bring ds to her house.
I was in agony,and just wanted to stay home in my pyjamas with my baby.

As I recovered from the birth,she was constantly hounding me to come round,so I told her that I will not come to her house because her boyfriend chain smokes there and it absolutely stinks,and I don’t want him breathing in the second hand smoke.

She’s said a couple of times that he won’t smoke in the house if we come round,so have gone there to find the house stinking and her boyfriend smoking,and both of them drinking alcohol.(I’m talking around 9am)

Ive had 7 years of arguments,no contact,then she gets back in touch,then it all happens over again.

I used to have a good relationship with my mum.
Now I dread hearing from her as I know it will result in an arguement.

implantsandaDyson Mon 12-Feb-18 13:38:25

Yes, it became much much better. I think both of us changed - I became much more confident when I had my first child, I just almost overnight stopped giving a shite what people thought of me, I stopped trying to please my mum, make her like me more. She in turn stopped being a right pain in the arse grin, she stopped nit picking, needling, she apologised out of the blue for some things she'd said when I was younger. Having kids and getting older has given me confidence in general.

YouCantBeSirius Mon 12-Feb-18 13:39:08

Mine changed for the better. We've become so much closer since I had DD and she's a brilliant granny. Always there when I need her and she cried with happiness when I told her about my current pregnancy.

Laiste Mon 12-Feb-18 13:39:24

Allabitmuchisntit - ‘I’m not to be called gran and I won’t be doing any babysitting’ - literally first thing she said when I told her I was pregnant.

OMG shock

Same here! And she stuck to it. I have 4 DCs, eldest 25 now, and i can literally count on one hand the amount of times she's baby sat. The times she has she's refused to change a nappy. Pretended not to notice it hanging down or the smell needed doing hmm

Add to that the few times she's babysat to help out we never heard the last of it!

ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs Mon 12-Feb-18 13:44:59

So sad to read some of these replies. My DM suffered 2 m/c, and 2 still-born babies, which broke her heart. She was desperate to be a granny, but unfortunately she was very ill and died when I was only 10 weeks pregnant with dd1.

She would have absolutely doted on my 3, but she would have been very critical of everything I did!

I'd still rather she was here, though, even though I know she would drive me scatty and interfere constantly!

ethelfleda Mon 12-Feb-18 13:59:47

Yes. We weren't overly close anyway- just 'keeping up appearance'
My mother always treated me as an inconvenience to her when I was young. She would constantly call me names and hit me over the head just for being a kid and doing 'kid' things. This has affected me my whole adult life. When she found out I was pregnant she was my number one fan all of a sudden - and has tried to force a relationship that just isn't there. I have become even more distant to her as I now I have my own DC, I cannot understand why anyone would speak to their children that way. I also get the feeling that she maybe thought this was the first an only thing she could help me with as she had experience but I haven't. I have never asked her advice as I don't need it. She still offers it though and it is always outdated and said with a tone on her voice as though she thinks I am stupid (i.e. same tone she used with me when I was a kid) it really gets my back up! But I continue to keep up appearances and have the obligatory once a week visit.

On the other hand, my father (separated from my mother and living abroad) who I was always really close to has shown absolutely no interest in his first (and maybe only) grandson!

wendz86 Mon 12-Feb-18 14:01:37

Mine got better . I spent the first few weeks on the phone to her crying and she was great . She is a big support and never judges my choices.

Grimmfebruary Mon 12-Feb-18 14:18:17

Mine is getting better and we got on well before. Think she enjoys passing her mothering knowledge on and she’s a fantastic nana.

DrunkUnicorn Mon 12-Feb-18 14:27:20

I've always been very close to my mum and thought it couldn't get better than that. I was wrong. We have been even closer than ever since 7mo DS was born and I think she makes the best mum and grandma ever. I love that woman to bits.

Youshallnotpass Mon 12-Feb-18 15:41:58

My mum can't get enough of her grandson, she wants to take him out as much as possible and absolutely adores him. We are definitely closer since he was born.

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