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To say no fucking way!

(35 Posts)
inmyshoos Mon 12-Feb-18 09:59:52

Exh, been separated a year but until Oct he was still coming on hols with us etc. Still wanting to be together despite my saying that won't happen.
He met someone in November. Has had a total change in attitude. Constantly being difficult and unreasonable. Very selfish. Always has been.
Now he is telling our dds 9 and 11 that he wants to take them to stay over at new girlfriends house. 2 hrs from us. They've never met her. All because he can't tear himself away from her for a weekend. He has known her all of 5 fucking minutes.
Dd11 definitely doesn't want to do this.
I'm shocked at how badly he has handled this. Why not slowly introduce over time, start on neutral turf. See how it goes. Not just 0-60. So unfair to expect dds to just be fine about it. Dd11 aid no way was she wanting to go stay there and exh told her to not be selfish and think of his girlfriend's feelings.
AIBU to say no fucking way is this to happen?

Cupofcake Mon 12-Feb-18 10:02:03

Of course yanbu.

HollyBayTree Mon 12-Feb-18 10:05:10

Your reasons arent unreasonable but you cannot dictate how the other 50% parents when you are not there. Does he have form for mixing with utter psychopaths? You cannot choose his friends or his lovers.

I would say at 11, your DC can choose whether she goes or not.

Bluelady Mon 12-Feb-18 10:07:12

The person most affected has made her views clearly known. She doesn't want to go so she doesn't go. End of. Perhaps her dad should have a look in the mirror before he calls anyone else selfish.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks Mon 12-Feb-18 10:07:32

Unfortunately it's not really up to you what your ex does with the children when he has them.

What is your daughter's reason for not wanting to go?

GreenTulips Mon 12-Feb-18 10:08:44

Whilst you can't dictate what he does with them you can take your children's reactions to this into account - it is your problem because they don't want to go and as an adult you have to convey their feelings. He was wrong to suggest his girlfriend may be hurt by their actions they don't know her!

Why can't she comeback to him so they are familiar in his house?

Blackteadrinker77 Mon 12-Feb-18 10:09:24

He told her to think of the girlfriends feelings?

She doesn't know her so I don't see how he can suggest that to an 11 year old.
Have you spoken to him about rushing in to this?

missyB1 Mon 12-Feb-18 10:21:03

Your children are old enough to decide for themselves on this, they aren't refusing to meet her, they just want to go a bit slower. Just point out to him that hes risking alienating the kids completely with this approach. And if you have to put your foot down on behalf of the kids then do so.

SleepySheepy Mon 12-Feb-18 10:23:56

My honest opinion is that he's being a complete and utter child.

He's only been with this woman for a couple of months, personally I would not introduce my children to a new partner until I was as sure as I could be that they would be hanging around. In my opinion it's so important to provide stability for children, and adults feelings can come secondary to that.

You poor DC are probably so confused, it's not that long since you've split up and it sounds like it's not been a clean break if he's continued coming on holidays with you until very recently. Suddenly now he wants them to jump straight in with his gf?

It sounds to me like he just wanted to carry on playing families with you, until he could jump into another 'family' situation with someone else and he's not in the slightest bit bothered about helping his kids to adjust.

You have to do what's in the best interest of your children, if they're not comfortable then I would stand up for them personally, even though judging from the other comments my view is unpopular.

ScattyCharly Mon 12-Feb-18 10:27:41

Think of gf feelings shock

ThumbWitchesAbroad Mon 12-Feb-18 10:28:59

Who gives a flying fuck about his girlfriend's feelings in this? She has no business to have any feelings about his contact with his children other than "off you go, dear, have a nice weekend with your children". Any histrionics over them not wanting to come and stay is just a MASSIVE red flag about how she is more important than they are, her feelings are more important than they are and so on.

That's even assuming he's telling the truth - which is doubtful, tbh - it's far more likely that he's just having a tantrum to get his own way and blaming her rather than taking responsibility himself!

Stupid twat. If they don't want to go, don't force them - why should they?

Bluntness100 Mon 12-Feb-18 10:29:00

You don't have authority here and don't get to decide, sadly. He has as many rights as you and can call it when he is with them. You are both parents.

He should however take your daughters feelings into account when making his parenting decisions. However, once an arsehole, always an arsehole.

Bluntness100 Mon 12-Feb-18 10:30:30

Oh and I suspect you're right. He wants to spend weekends with her so this is his solution.

He's a wanker, but he's still their dad and he has rights.

Snowydaysarehere Mon 12-Feb-18 10:31:16

Send them off with good will.
I am sure it won't bode well with gf but that's up to exh to deal with . The quicker they see he is a selfish turd the better.
Like ripping the plaster off tbh. Don't be the one to get in their way, let your dc vote with their feet in his company not yours then he can't blame you when it goes wrong can he?

bluecashmere Mon 12-Feb-18 10:31:49

You can't tell him what he can do when the DC are with him. But you can try, without introducing emotion and by sticking to the facts, to let him know this could seriously backfire. He's telling your girls in a round about way that this woman's feelings are more important than theirs. That's immediately going to alienate them from her and from him. He's being selfish so show him how it's going to turn out badly for him and his relationships.

ElsieMc Mon 12-Feb-18 10:33:21

You don't say whether there is a court order in place for arrangements op. If not, then you need to go with your instinct here and you are right, it all sounds a bit rushed. There will always be those on here who say he has a right as a father to do as he wishes within his contact time. This is both right and wrong because the primary focus is the child. He does not have a right to contact, the child has the right to see the father.

I went through all this with my gs. He wanted his then gf to pick him up from school. I knew she would not want to do this and the Judge intervened stating "I don't want any tom, dick or harry collecting him. Either bother to turn up or don't take him".

I think you and the children are being sensible. You are not saying that in time this will come about, just it is a bit soon for the children. You are not using them to point score, just want to be certain. Don't be bullied otherwise and don't doubt yourself.

If he starts threatening court, then the likelihood is he will get defined contact arrangements.

FWIW, the gf in our case, became the wife and he beat her up too. She is long gone. He now has another new gf and it is all hearts and flowers and he has basically dumped my gs. It is hard to cope with for so many reasons and emotions. Keep on doing what you are doing, providing stability and certainty for the children.

Stick to what you think is right here. However, those saying at age 11 a child can decide, this simply wont wash with the courts. My poor gs is still being forced at 15 and boy does he want his freedom.

BewareOfDragons Mon 12-Feb-18 10:40:37

I agree it's way too soon for him to be introducing his children to his girlfriend. Most childcare specialists, therapists, etc would agree it's way too soon. And it may be confusing and damaging to his young daughters.

But, unfortunately, it sounds like their father is a selfish twat who can't see past the end of his own dick.

I'm so sorry. This is going to be very upsetting for your daughters, and I'm not sure there's much you can do about it. I hope it doesn't turn into a string of girlfriends that he keeps introducing them all to too early, because that will be so unsettling for them.

HarrietSmith Mon 12-Feb-18 10:57:06

My partner wanted me to meet his children quite soon after we got together because they were important to him and he wanted to know if somebody he was beginning to feel close to would be able to make a relationship with them - and vice versa.

We went out for the day. It was a happy and memorable outing.

My partner and I are together over 20 years later.

Birdsgottafly Mon 12-Feb-18 11:10:25

No Court would make an 11 year old stay in someone else's house, outside of the LA, who has known the Parent for three months, but not net the children yet, when the Parent has a home of their own.

OP, they don't go, he starts introducing her, first. It says a lot about her that she won't facilitate this, unless she has a disabled child etc.

I don't see how this relationship is going to work if she won't compromise. So it certainly isn't in your children's interest to meet her.

Talith Mon 12-Feb-18 11:11:16

It sounds deeply shite but I'm going to say that if all else is equal and he's a good dad you have to leave him to it.

I was given some very good advice. Two pieces actually. The first is that either he is fit to look after them or he isn't. If he is then you leave him to it. If he isn't then you have to address contact issues in general.

The second piece of advice is that you are not the relationship police. Who he sees and how and where he sees them is none of your business. If the issue is in relation to your children and the new person then go back to the first piece of advice - is he fit to look after them or not? Will he make decisions which endanger the children?

I have massive amounts of sympathy as my XH had his girlfriend round the very first weekend my kids spent at his new house, just two weeks after we'd told them we were separating. I didn't give a shite that he'd got a bird, but was almost demented with the stress of the kids questions and the sheer thoughtlessness. Now THAT'S moving on quickly...

But he's basically a decent person and a great dad, he's just moved on very fucking fast and so it is what it is. Nine months on they're still together. There's fuck all you can do about it and to be honest you'll drive yourself nuts trying to micromanage how, where, and with whom he spends his time.

I've always framed any concerns in terms of what the children have said to me, or the concerns the children have, - I'm sure that's absolutely the position you're taking and like I say I do have much sympathy as it's horrible to feel out of control about where your kids are.

JayoftheRed Mon 12-Feb-18 11:18:17

HarrietSmith And that's fine, there's no pressure and the kids can get to know the new girlfriend in a neutral setting, with things to do if they get over whelmed. No way would I have wanted to go to a stranger's house and spend the night, even if my dad was there, at the age of 11.

I wouldn't have slept. I would have been scared of getting changed in case someone I didn't know walked in. I wouldn't have been comfortable showering.

Meeting the girlfriend is not the issue. Meeting her in her own house, having to sleep there (and potentially knowing that she and your dad are sleeping in the same bed, and doing who knows what - it's not a nice thought at 11!), and being told to suck it up because the girlfriend might get upset? Well, I'd not be going.

No advice OP except to make it clear to your ex that your DD isn't happy about sleeping over and suggesting that they all meet somewhere else for a few hours/a day, or even that they go to her house but dad takes them back to his/yours for bedtime. Ease them into the new relationship. It might last forever, but no one wants to get it off on the wrong foot, do they?

jay55 Mon 12-Feb-18 11:19:06

I cannot imagine the girlfriend wants the first meeting this way either.

Birdsgottafly Mon 12-Feb-18 11:23:51

Talith they are going to the GF, two hours away.

Its a completely different scenario.

How will they get home if she turns out to be a nasty piece of work?

BitOutOfPractice Mon 12-Feb-18 11:24:14

What a knob! Think of his GF's feelings? Unbelievable!

However, what a PP said is unfortunately true. You cannot dictate what he does when he has the kids. Which I know is awful but there it is

However, if DD doesn't want to go...

AnnieAnoniMouse Mon 12-Feb-18 11:28:49

Birds You can’t say ‘SHE won’t compromise’ she might have been told his girls really wanted to come & stay at her house. Blame the father, not his gf.

inmyshoes. I’m in two minds. If YOU wanted to take the girls to spend a weekend at a friends would you feel he, or they, had a right to say no? I don’t really see the difference. Why is your 11yo so anti going? His gf might be really nice? It’s not like she’s met her and the gf was horrible to her. I’m all for kids not to be made to visit if they are really unhappy, but I don’t think ‘I don’t want to’ before they’ve even tried it is really a very good approach.

Of course he’s a cockwomble not introducing them somewhere neutral or at his house first and he’s a total wanker for telling his children to think of his very new girlfriend’s feelings, especially when they’ve not even met and he’s going about it arse about face.

He’s your EX for a reason, he’s always s been a selfish twat, he’s not going to change anytime soon and your girls will see him for what he is as they get older.

Neither of you have made it easier on them seeing either of you with someone new when you separated but carried on doing stuff ‘as a family’, it must be confusing for them and they’re bo7nd to be resentful of a new partner if they feel that person is stopping you all being a family.

It’s not easy 💐

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