..to feel hurt I’m not a bridesmaid?

[sellotape12]

I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable but I do know that today’s left me shocked, sad and unable to stop crying. My sister in law, whom I’ve been very close with for 12 years, has not asked me to be bridesmaid.

I met this girl when she was 15 and I was 21. I’ve coached her through college and breakups and uni and diets and illness and career stuff and hairstyles and grandparent grief and all the in betweens. She always looked up to me (she has four brothers!). I felt special and that I had my own little sister. Two years ago she was my bridesmaid. We shared so much and chatted about how I’d repay the favours one day for her.

But in the last two years she’s drifted from her family. She favours her fiancé’s family and has changed enormously. They’ve been together for 3 years. His family is very ‘new money’, very close knit, quite judgmental, very flash with cash they don’t have. He has a sister that’s at the centre of it all (same age as me). She stamps her feet and my SIL comes running. She’s manipulative (made her leave her uni course) and showers them with gifts. How can I compete with spray tans and lunches and shellac and trips to Dubai? Our whole family thinks the fiancé’s sister - let’s call her Crystal - has pulled SIL away. It’s like she’s under her spell.

There has been a myriad of excuses where SIL has cancelled her own family events, Christmas, Skype calls and the rest. Her brothers only now see her once a year. She spends almost all her energy and time with the fiancé’s family. Her mum is also sad that she’s lost her little girl to a flashier family.

Today, after yet another advice session, SIL told me and my DH that since she’s having lots of flower girls and Paige boys the whole ‘bridesmaid and usher thing was making her feel awkward’.

At his point I felt a pans of dismay but understood her decision to not have bridesmaids at all. Except I was wrong.

She finished her point by saying “I’m having one bridesmaid and that’s Crystal. She’s a machine and gets things done. But can you guys help decorate the venue?” At that moment I felt like the blood left my body.

May I point out that I literally organise and negotiate for a living, so the ‘machine’ excuse is b.s.

So is this pathetic jealousy? I feel a profound sense of loss. Her picking fiancé’s sister but not me sends a signal - why not just include me too or have no maids at all!? DH and his brothers aren’t in the wedding part either. Her fiancé can’t see that his umbilical attachment to his own family alone is causing a distancing, not does he realise marriage is about fairness.

I feel like some of you might read this and not see what hurts or that I’m being ridic. Please understand that I feel I’ve been a big sister to this girl for a good chunk of her and my life. X

[TheSnowFairy]

YANBU to feel hurt. Not sure what you can ultimately do about it though.

[Foxyloxy1plus1]

I can see why you’re heart, but it’s their wedding and their choice. I wouldn’t be decorating the venue though.

[Thistlebelle]

I think if you want to maintain your relationship with her and help your DH maintain his relationship with his sister then you need to accept this with grace.

Keep quiet and keep the moral high ground.

Quite definitely keep your (rather unpleasant) view of the other family to yourself.

Be very careful about saying things like “marriage is about fairness”. It’s not a competition. She can make her own choices about who and when she see everyone.

If you make it competitive or have a tantrum about this then you’ll lose her.

Given the remark about being “uncomfortable” and your comments here are you sure your own attitude (or behaviour) towards the other SIL hasn’t lead to this decision?

You are allowed to be hurt, but consider carefully whether you should express it. Fall outs around weddings take a long time to be forgiven.

[Thistlebelle]

I wouldn’t necessarily available for decoration duty either though.

In you place I’d be more hurt my DH wasn’t an usher.

[TidyDancer]

Do not decorate the venue. Trust me on this one.

I feel for you OP. My then best friend didn't ask me to be a bridesmaid and it was devastating. Her wedding her choice, yes, but it still hurt. She asked two people who she wasn't close to because they would look better in the dresses. Never quite able to get past that personally.

[specialsubject]

It sounds like you are well out of that one.

Upsetting to have the final kick in the teeth after all you've done for her, but she sounds a shallow, easily led spoilt little madam.

Shed no more tears. I fear the wedding may be a waste of time.

[caroline161]

My friend didn't ask me and she had been mine 3 months before. She couldn't have hurt me anymore if she had stabbed me with a knife. We never got over it. She never said why. I was so embarrassed.

[sellotape12]

Whhhaaaaat!

[HolyAngelus]

His family is very ‘new money’, very close knit, quite judgmental, very flash with cash they don’t have. He has a sister that’s at the centre of it all (same age as me). She stamps her feet and my SIL comes running. She’s manipulative (made her leave her uni course) and showers them with gifts. How can I compete with spray tans and lunches and shellac and trips to Dubai?

Hang on, OP, you are saying his family is judgemental? I'm no psychologist, but might we be approaching here the real reason, or part of it, why your SIL has distanced herself from you? That you don't like her fiancé's family, apparently on class grounds, and are failing to conceal it?

I met this girl when she was 15 and I was 21. I’ve coached her through college and breakups and uni and diets and illness and career stuff and hairstyles and grandparent grief and all the in betweens. She always looked up to me (she has four brothers!). I felt special and that I had my own little sister. Two years ago she was my bridesmaid. We shared so much and chatted about how I’d repay the favours one day for her

That's not how friendships work -- you scratch my back and I'll scratch yours. Maybe she's dazzled by a new family and a new friend, yes, but maybe she also feels she's grown out of the Advice from Big Sis mode it sounds as though your relationship has always operated on.

And also, I've noticed on Mn and in real life that people tend to blame ILs or people's partners rather than the person themselves who has made the decision/started to behave in a way they don't like. Your SIL has made a choice that has, understandably, hurt you, but she made the choice, not the other 'new' SIL, who is not to blame. Likewise, I find it very hard to believe she forced her to leave university. You don't seem to think your SIL has the capacity to act independently at all -- which makes me wonder whether you treat her like a baby, to be advised on diets and education and death, and helped out and to be the one looking up to you, and now she's tired of that dynamic.

Of course you're not unreasonable to be upset and you would be perfectly reasonable to be too busy with other things to decorate the venue but you are unreasonable to not put the 'fault' where it lies, with your SIL, rather than blame another woman and another family you are very snobbish about.

[ftmtb]

Think it's a horrible bitchy thing to do and I wouldn't help out one bit

[OnceAponAMum]

My best friend told me always I would be her bridesmaid. Then she asked me again when she got engaged. Then decided it was only going to be family at the wedding and I wasn't a bridesmaid anymore. I thought fine I understand financial constraints but at the actual wedding realised the 2 best men were not family. Did feel a bit hurt but life is too short and we've been through too much. She just didn't go about it in the best way. I was just glad she was happy and marrying someone nice after having shit boyfriends. These things do sting but it's not going to make anyone happy getting upset about it x

[SockUnicorn]

You are right to be hurt. However she’s shown you that she’s an easily swayed gold digger and your better off without. She’s followed the money unfortunately. Shows how much you meant to her. Best to bow out gracefully and enjoy your new family. Leave her to it. She will come back, tail between her legs, when they get bored of her. Xx

[NewYearNiki]

Back away and whatever you do, dont do this as in the youtube clip. (Meant light heartedly and to try and cheer you up!)

You say this:

I’ve coached her through college and breakups and uni and diets and illness and career stuff and hairstyles and grandparent grief and all the in betweens.

And then this:

She stamps her feet and my SIL comes running. She’s manipulative (made her leave her uni course) and showers them with gifts. How can I compete with spray tans and lunches and shellac and trips to Dubai?

She sounds very immature and a user tbh. You make no mention of what support she has ever given you or anyone else for that matter.

Why are you all tripping over yourselves to compete for her attention and say new SIL has her under a spell?

Let her go. The more you push it the worse it'll look.

You are married to her brother but surely you must have other friends you are close to.

[ProfYaffle]

@TidyDancer!

[SandAndSea]

I can understand how upset you feel. I would suggest that you either keep quiet or, you find a gentle way to speak to her about it. Maybe you could refer to her not choosing you and say that it's made you realise that you must have drifted apart and how sad that makes you feel as she means so much to you. If she still doesn't ask you, at least she will know how you feel and you will know that you've tried. Just some thoughts.

[youngnomore]

YANBU to feel hurt by your sil. She sounds shallow. Don’t bother with her anymore. Let her come back to you(and If she doesn’t her loss).

[NewYearNiki]

She's already rejected you once.

Dont give her the satisfaction of knowing you're bothered or to reject you or use you again.

[PurpleTraitor]

I’m coming at this from a totally bemused ‘why would you even care’ perspective, but I’m trying to understand.

You want to have a special role in this? Why? Does closeness of relationship make a difference? Is it less special because you don’t wear a specific dress colour? Or is there something else about it I’m missing? I wouldn’t have spray tans and shellac if you paid me, so might not be your target audience.

If you don’t like the idea of the wedding party or it upsets you, just don’t go?

[sellotape12]

No HolyA. I’m adding context. The exposition is to build the story of my feelings, which is the reason we all come to MN. And yes, the other lady did force her to leave uni. And nope, you have totally misconstrued what I said.

[milliemolliemou]

OP just leave it. Let Chrystal get in touch with you and then you can think about whether you want to help. You may not be able to ...

And people do drift away and choose diffferent bridesmaids. Breathe and relax.

[ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual]

If this really is all happening as you're saying (ie no fault on her family's side) then her poor parents must be devastated that she's not bothering with them much, and I can't blame you for being hurt. I wouldn't decorate the venue though I'd continue to support her in ways that don't take up huge amounts of time or energy.

[Poshindevon]

OP what is the big deal about being a bridesmaid ? Your an adult married woman, is wearing a pretty dress for the day so important? I do find that a bit silly
People move on in life and take different directions in life, obviously you haven't.
If its that important to you dont decorate the venue.

[Didiusfalco]

This happened to a friend of mine, who was then offered a substitute job (like decorating the venue!) and she very calmly spoke to the bride explained her feelings said she felt hurt and would rather keep a distance from all organising. She didn’t make a scene or a fuss going forward but she was honest. I think you should do the same (without mentioning your opinion of the other family of course!)