Incandescent with RAGE - tumble drier related

[goingslightlycrazy]

Sorry if this has been done to death but I am at my wits end and honestly could do with some advice

Some back story. Been married to DH 12 years & have 3DCs but he's never done his share of the housework.

He had some time off last year and I made it clear that I had had enough and he had to step up with the chores.

Since then (with some training) he had been much better - washing, drying, Ironing (his own clothes), hoovering, some cooking, more running about after the kids.

Fast forward, I have had a couple of months at home again and could feel myself getting irritated that I was doing all of the jobs again so instead of sniping away about it (I have a tendency to do this I'll admit), I thought it best to talk it through.

So this am, I say 'I'm starting to get irritated that you're doing nothing around the house, please do more' and he offers that while I take DD swimming he would make a contribution to the chores.

I come home and he has fixed a fence panel (not handy at all, so I was surprised and pleased) started making lunch & done some washing and drying.

I put the swimming stuff in the machine and find...

•DS's synthetic School Jumper has been tumble dried and is half the size, • as is DD's ballet leotard and
• my Skinny Jeans are ruined (Lycra mix & now saggy).

We've gone over a hundred times what can and can't go in the drier. I can't believe he's ruined these clothes!!

He's like 'calm down it's no biggie, I'll buy more' but that would cost £68!! And we share finances so that isn't fair at all!

It's not the first time this has happened but he's been better for ages. I honestly feel like killing him right now.

I'm so careful to look after everyone's things.

How can I trust him to help with the jobs when he seems to deliberately fuck them up so I don't ask him again?

WIBU to LTB? lighthearted sort of

[WhatchaMaCalllit]

Next time you're on your computer do a handy guide to checking the labels on clothes and print it off - keep it near the tumble dryer and then he can check the label and decide if it can/can not go in the dryer.

Lots of people don't know what they symbols mean on their clothes labels. This would probably help in your case OP.

[KateGrey]

I’d be furious. Assuming he doesn’t have some form of mental impairment. I find it’s an excuse. They can’t be bothered to do something thoroughly so just do it so they can say they’ve done it. I’d make him pay to replace and make him aware of how rubbish he is. You shouldn’t have to make guides etc as he’s a grown adult!

[goingslightlycrazy]

He's just so slapdash imo. It feels like a total lack of respect for me to not take care of my things. He knows very well that there are delicates hanging up around the house and not everything can go in the drier.

He's not looking at labels so the diagram wouldn't help. He's just chucked the lot in without looking. I reckon he ruins maybe £150 of clothes a year. I don't have a lot of nice things or disposable income.

We share finances so I am also paying for replacements aren't I?

That's why I'm so mad.

[Jon66]

My partner put my only three pairs of jodphurs in the tumble drier, despite the label saying don't tumble dry. They shrank. I do need to lose a few pounds but not that many! Do you think they get things wrong deliberately so we won't ask them to do their share of chores in future?

[Penfold007]

I bet he didn't ruin any of his own clothes.

[MiniCooperLover]

This was deliberate OP to make sure you don't expect any assistance in future.

[Annwithnoe]

Ah yes the do it badly and she won’t ask me again strategy. Keep your powder dry OP.
Yes he will replace the items: he has to go and buy them himself. Don’t offer help with sizes, shops, websites or any other useful details. Don’t do the mental work for him. You can, if he asks, give helpful prompts such as “check the label for the size” or “google size charts and measure her”. And if he doesn’t replace them quickly tell him to write a note to the school/ ballet teacher to explain why she hasn’t the right kit.

As for shared finances, you’ll have to cut back on something. Make sure it’s his trip to the pub, gym session, etc If he is eyeing up a big potential purchase that’s your cue to sigh and say “we could afford it if we didn’t have to keep replacing the clothes you wreck”

Don’t waste your rage by blowing your top. Call him out on what he’s doing. And leave him to deal with the natural consequences. And keep expecting him to do the chores. You can wear him down if he doesn’t wear you down!

[LakieLady]

DP is forbidden from laundering ANY of my clothes without my express permission and supervision. He's incapable of getting stuff clean without also ruining it, and has no concept of different types of fabric and different temperatures.

I had an absolutely lovely top that I had had for years and was one of my favourite garments ever. It needed a delicate wash (I'd often hand wash it) but he put it in the machine, with jeans, on a 40c wash. I was so upset I cried.

He makes up for not doing any laundry by doing all the hoovering and floor mopping, and always empties the dishwasher and puts stuff away.

[SinceWhenDid]

I know how you feel. It isn't deliberate but it is the carelessness that feels like disrespect.

[readysteadyteddy]

DH shrank two Joseph cashmere tunics.

He was when I told him they were £200 each... and that was in the sale.

He has always read labels carefully since.

Make sure HE replaces the items, I don't mean £ wise, I mean he physically goes out and buys them again. DD's stuff anyway, I presume you'll have to try on jeans, so he can take DD somewhere while you shop for yourself.

[teaandtoast]

Well it's one way of making sure laundry is your job, I guess...

[ToadOfSadness]

Replacements should come out of his share of the shared finances surely.

I refuse access to washing machine and dryer since some of my cream coloured things were put in a mixed wash and came out a dirty grey and a lot smaller. I do all the laundry and only iron my things. Cleaning floors is not my job, dishwasher duty is shared. it's a trade off.

[Notso]

I'm dreadful for shrinking stuff. I once shrunk DH's expensive t-shirt, sneakily bought a replacement and then shrunk the replacement too. Our drier broke a year ago and we haven't replaced it, I'm relieved not to be responsible for wrecking anymore clothes!

[HorsesCourses]

Don't take it personally.
I know i have made some expensive mistakes on my journey to becoming Laundry Queen. That doll- sized cashmere jumper still brings a lump to my throat.
But don't be tempted to "let him off" cos he's useless, or it's "easier to do it yourself". Go through the labels with him, like you might do for an older child learning to look after themselves.
Or divide the labour according to your strengths and knowledge.

[Notso]

Before the dryer broke I stuck a sticky blackboard on the front and used to write on whatever was in the washing machine that couldn't go in the drier.

[Julie8008]

Cant you split chores so he does all the hovering, dish washing etc and you do the clothes wash/dry. Or something like that?

[goingslightlycrazy]

We've had so many rows over the years about this.

Every time he has a dedicated job (he used to be floor manager), I have to live in squalor until eventually it bubbles over into a huge row, repeat.

I've tried over the years to relax my standards around the house but ruining clothes is just so wasteful!

I want revenge once and for all!!

[Slowtrain2dawn]

We only tumble towels and underwear. Everything else gets hung on an airer or outside. Avoids the mistakes both of us have made in past!