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To not make any more plans

(20 Posts)
rcat Sun 11-Feb-18 11:21:38

I have a good friend who keeps making plans me (sometimes weeks in advance) and then bails the day before or a few days before we’re supposed to meet.

It’s been going on a few years and I’ve tried to overlook it because we both have busy lives and I know how hard it can be to juggle things.Shes not cancelled again and it’s twice in a row, I have 2 ds and dh works away so it’s hard to juggle things on my side.I don’t like letting people down so end up being disappointed that she’s bailed on me again.

One weekend she arranged to meet up and the day before I text to check we were ok to meet and she said oh I forgot I’m supposed to be in Devon this weekend to stay with her friends (!) it’s a 50 mile drive so I was annoyed.How can you forget a 50 mile trip?!She has one dd.

There’s always a plausible reason, she doesn’t work weekends but blames work for having no time.AIBU to decline any more plans she tries to make? Dh thinks it’s just her being busy but I’m annoyed because I rarely let her down and feel she doesn’t consider my family.

rcat Sun 11-Feb-18 11:22:59

I think it’s more annoying because she’s the one who always contacts me to make plans!

expatinscotland Sun 11-Feb-18 11:25:15

She's no friend. She's a flakey git. Your DH is wrong. Start declining and don't offer any plans. She'll get the hint.

Blackteadrinker77 Sun 11-Feb-18 11:29:26

I've come to accept that some people in life are just like this.

They feel guilty they aren't great at keeping plans so they contact people to arrange a get together (Normally at night after a few drinks) Then as it gets to the day they feel they can't for what ever reason. The cycle continues.

rcat Sun 11-Feb-18 11:39:04

its very frustrating!money is really tight and I save money for these times when we go out because she’s well off and she likes going out for lunch.

I just don’t understand why she keeps making plans with me when she repeatedly cancels,am I the back up plan? I do wonder because that’s how it feels maybe she’s found a better offer.

bimbobaggins Sun 11-Feb-18 11:42:19

She keeps doing it because you’ve let her get away with it for YEARS
Stand up for yourself and put and end to it. Don’t be so available.

NoSquirrels Sun 11-Feb-18 11:44:09

Next time, just assume it’s not happening. Agree to meet, but let her contact you to make the final plans. If you don’t hear from her before the day, if on the morning she does say “Are we meeting at 12” or whatever you can say, genuinely, “oh I assumed we weren’t as I hadn’t heard from you.”

NotSoSprightly Sun 11-Feb-18 11:46:18


Me and me friend who are both relatively unsociable as always tired or busy always laugh and say to each other "I don't want to go anymore but I won't flake, I couldn't do that to you".

rcat Sun 11-Feb-18 11:51:26

I do feel a bit of a wimp letting it go on so long,I’ve know her a long time and when her dd was young I saw her every week and helped her out.Now I have 2 young ds I rarely see her.

expatinscotland Sun 11-Feb-18 12:04:38

'I just don’t understand why she keeps making plans with me when she repeatedly cancels,am I the back up plan? I do wonder because that’s how it feels maybe she’s found a better offer.'

Sounds like it.

Just stop making plans with her. If she suggests it, tell her you're not available. She'll probably just stop suggesting things once you start turning her down and not being her fall back girl.

Puppyeyes Sun 11-Feb-18 12:55:54

I've got a friend like that so can understand your frustration! She'll come up with a date in advance, I say fine, then text a few days before to check she's still ok for it and get one of the following replies -

'I completely forgot we'd planned to go out, something's come up, can we do another week?

If you really want to go I will of course, but had a busy week and could really do with an early night, we'll go next week for sure though!

Been coughing all day and waited to see how I felt but feel crap, can we do another day?'

That 'other day or next week' gets put in my diary, then cancelled again by her, normally on the day itself, with the promise of yet another night in a week or two, and the pattern goes on!

I did wonder if it's my company she's not bothered about, but she also does it with group meet-ups.

I'd suggest texting a reply similar to mine last week, 'Ok that evening's fine for me, but can you let me know in advance if you're going to cancel?'

Not heard back yet, and really hope I haven't jeopardized the friendship but it's so frustrating, I feel your pain!

rcat Sun 11-Feb-18 13:04:54

Puppyeyes yes it’s maddening!my friend sounds likes yours,very annoying when The cancelling is pretty much a constant cycle!

My dcs get really excited to see her and her dd,it’s so sad when I keep telling them she can’t make it.

Expatinscotland I think you could be right,if I keep making plans she will probably continue doing what she’s doing,there is probably someone more interesting than me and my 2 ds to meet up with because I can’t believe every time she cancels she’s ill or work got in the way.

I stopped seeing her for about three months because of this last year and she made a big effort to keep the friendship going but here we are again.Its not too much to be able to rely on one of these plans coming off is it?

Saracen Sun 11-Feb-18 13:47:20

I have a few friends like this. The only plans I am willing to make with them are plans which are very convenient for me and also last-minute. So I don't have to keep free for something that may not happen.

If they ask, "Do you fancy meeting up next week?" I will say, "That could be fun. Ring me on the day to see if I'm up for it."

Or I will ring them up if I am at a loose end, to ask if they want to meet in an hour's time.

rcat Sun 11-Feb-18 16:42:55

Good idea Saracen,it’s the fact the plans are made weeks in advance and then cancelled that infuriates me.My friend refuses to do anything spontaneous and likes to ‘plan ahead’ but clearly at her own convenience!

rcat Sun 11-Feb-18 16:46:34

I might sound a bit mean but I’m going to dodge any further arrangements with her.Im a SAHM but have my hands full sorting out my two ds and dh invoices as he’s self employed.

My friend works full time and seems to think I’ve lots of time (?!) because I’m a SAHM.A while ago she text me & I replied yes I’m tired too.I received a weird sarcastic reply from her ‘maybe you’re working too hard’.

I’m too long in the tooth for this kind of stuff!

expatinscotland Sun 11-Feb-18 16:57:27

'I might sound a bit mean but I’m going to dodge any further arrangements with her.'

How is this mean? She has no consideration or respect for your time, she dumps you for better offers, then sends you passive aggressive bollocks texts like the one she just sent you. Start looking after yourself first from now on. Her efforts to keep things going are more like playing cat and mouse because she invites you out, then flakes and cancels at the last minute.

Puppyeyes Sun 11-Feb-18 17:09:19

She sounds maddening, rcat! Sounds as though you're as busy as she is too.

Dh says I should start phoning my friend when she cancels by text, in a disappointed 'Oh such a shame, I was looking forward to this' kind of way, rather than text a 'That's ok, see you another time'. He says I make it far too easy for her!

He's right really. Also I'm sure now everyone can text/WhatsApp etc, it's far easier for people to cancel on a whim than years back when they'd actually need to SPEAK to the person with an explanation!

expatinscotland Sun 11-Feb-18 17:38:06

'She sounds maddening, rcat!'

She sounds inconsiderate and rude. Finding a flakey person like this maddening or frustrating is a waste of energy because they fundamentally don't care about you and see their time as more important than yours.

rcat Sun 11-Feb-18 18:24:22

Thanks Puppyeyes & expat.

Puppyeyes,it’s not easy when you care about a friend but we deserve better.

Expat you are totally right,it’s a sign my self esteem is a lot better than just after I had my ds.Ive started questioning things more and I think it’s time to put a stop to being messed about.i really want people in my life who value me as I do them.

rcat Sun 11-Feb-18 18:25:09

I’m lucky to have some good friends who don’t treat me the way that flakey friend does!

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