I don't know if i can do this any more(15 Posts)
My ex husband is using the system to torment and abuse me and there appears to be nothing I can do about it.
Nothing he ever does is bad enough for any authority to sanction him in any way. He manages to get pretty close to the line without crossing it. But the drip, drip, drip effect that this creates leaves me feeling trapped and like I will never be able to escape this nightmare.
The latest incident is that he has accused me of assault. I went to the house (it is owned jointly as we have yet to settle finances; I moved out with my two girls 7 months ago to live with my parents as he wouldn't leave and I couldn't stay there with him) to drop off my youngest (age 1) as per the court order and needed to get access to a document in order to renew my car tax as he has been going to the effort of returning all my mail to sender rather than keep it to one side for me. He wouldn't allow me to look for the document but I did anyway. I was looking through a file and he was trying to wrestle it off me, so I gently pushed him off of me and he called 999 saying it was assault. I was interviewed under caution where I found out he said I used my forearm to push him up against a wall by his throat!! I'm not a strong person physically and he is a lot bigger than me. So now I face getting into trouble for something I didn't do, and even if I don't get into trouble, I've spent all weekend so far crying and feeling sick and my family are bearing it all alongside me.
This isn't the only thing that's happened, though it is probably the worst. He has been using my Amazon account unauthorised, streaming 40+ hours of Amazon Prime TV that I have paid for on subscription. Child maintenance has been late on EVERY occasion, but never late enough for the CMS to do anything about it. The first time he had the children since the court order, he had them for an extra day without my permission as he had taken them to Wales and said I had to collect them from there (5 hours away) if I wanted them back in time for my time with them to begin.
He has also been badmouthing me to our 5 year old, though I don't know exactly what he says as I'm obviously never there. Yesterday she asked me why I had taken a film off of Daddy's TV - which was the result of me getting control back of my Amazon account, though she obviously didn't understand that. So he used my Amazon without my knowledge or permission, and when I found out and changed the password etc, he's told our dd that I took her films away. There have been other things that have been said in the year since we split, like Mummy is nasty to Daddy, Daddy cries because of Mummy etc, but CAFCASS knew all of that when we went to court for the CAO and again, it was never considered bad enough to do anything about.
I have accused him of emotional abuse as he was horrible to me in the later stages of our marriage; he would taunt me for not losing baby weight like "other women", judge me for what I ate, be really off with me if I didn't want to have sex which made me feel like a piece of meat, and he would pester me to do things in the bedroom that I didn't want to do even though I made it abundantly clear that I would NEVER do them. I detailed all of this in my statement when we went to court for the CAO, but none of the evidence was heard because we agreed the share of childcare before going in to see the magistrates. Even so, he blames me for not getting what he wanted even though he agreed it.
Should probably add that he is the one who cheated so I left... a year ago. But it feels like he will never stop trying to punish me. He is trying to break me little by little and although I have loads of family and friends who love me, and I have called the police and had support from Women's Aid and everyone I talk to is hugely sympathetic... I just don't know how I am supposed to get through this any more. All I want is for him to be civil and behave like a normal, decent human being for the sake of our girls... every time he acts in the ways I've described above it makes it that little bit more difficult for us to get along, and the only two who suffer for that are my beautiful, beautiful girls. What is going to become of them?
Oh god... I've just heard that my case is going to the CPS as there are "grey areas" and the police can't decide who is telling the truth! They're saying his allegation is quite serious! But I didn't do anything!! He is lying through his teeth - I told the complete truth!! What am I going to do??
Have you got a solicitor? If not please contact women's aid or your local domestic abuse organisation and get one. You need to change your address and all account passwords and stop giving him further opportunities to harrass you and make accusations against you.
I can't change my address. I live at my parents' and I can't afford to live anywhere else until I get my money from our financial settlement, which he has been delaying since day 1. I did already change my passwords when I moved out but I didn't realise that you had to de-register devices from your Amazon account or else they just log you back in even if you change your details.
He leads me into a false sense of security by acting like everything's ok and then suddenly flipping out and doing things like accuse me of assault - the last time I needed to go into the house to get something after dropping my daughter off, that wasn't a problem - he let me go in and get it and it was fine. But this time he didn't so it was totally unexpected, and yes maybe I should have just left but I needed a particular document or else I was going to get hit by a massive car tax related fine and I can't afford that, so I was desperate.
is there a little camera you can (hide) carry on you for all your interactions with him?
Can't you change your address to your parent's one? So sorry you're going through this. They will see through the lies, don't worry. He has no evidence, it's your word against his and, though it tends to be forgotten these days, our justice system does work on the presumption of innocence until guilt is proven.
It's plenty legal to film someone without their consent, otherwise cctv would be a massive issue.
Who said it is going to the CPS?
I was assaulted last year and had photos yet he was released with no further action as apparently his word against mine.
The police decided this, not the CPS.
I had the photos along with bruising and a neighbour who heard.
Sounds extreme to me.
It might be worth checking if the Post Office would redirect any mail addressed to you - it costs a bit, but would take away one lever of control.
I think the CPS will look at the evidence before deciding to proceed, and fingers crossed they will decide there is no case to answer, OP.
Oh you poor thing, I had similar for years. I thought I was going mad. I got through it with a very good solicitor (make sure you keep a record of everything, especially dates and places.) It eventually stopped after my lovely new dp moved in YEARS after exh left. The kids had a difficult time, my youngest was only a baby but we all got through it and, thank god, rarely have to deal with him now. It does end
Please get your mail redirected to your parents' address. Close your accounts and open new ones with a new email address. Minimise his opportunities to harass you. He should be collecting your children so you don't need to see him, your parents can hand them over. And the above advice about solicitors is excellent if it does go to court. This seems pretty unlikely but you never know.
I really feel for you. This all sounds dreadful.
Get legal advice immediately.
If you ever need to go to the house again get someone to accompany you, Never go back alone.
If you do find yourself alone with him, record the meeting on your phone.
Try to detach yourself, your accounts, anything that you can, away from him and restrict his access.
Never ever fall for his bullshit....as I tell my sister if her twat ex starts being nice or relatively normal with her - don't fall for it, the fucker is up to something. 99.9% of the time he proves me right.
I’m so sorry, I’m couldn’t read and run. I would also advise changing all contact details like email addresses/ mobile number. Only give him the new email address. Only enter into discussion about the children and only ever by email (Then you have written proof if he starts being abusive). Tell him (via email) he will need to collect the children and have your parents do the handover.
Limit all communication with him. You need to change your address on everything and get letters re-directed. Do not give him leverage! Sending my love OP. I’m so sorry!
Your parents address is now your address too, so change your address with the relevant people and set up a redirect with the post office for 6 months to catch any other letters that get sent to your old address.
I would be surprised if his claim that you assaulted him did go to court, and I'd be even more surprised if anyone believed that a woman could hold a man that's bigger than her, against a wall with her arm across his throat (unless she knows martial arts maybe).
I'm sorry you're going through this, it's shit. Have another chat with Women's Aid about the latest developments.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.