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To think this is a bit much?

(40 Posts)
CanklesByPauline Sat 10-Feb-18 12:47:27

Feel bad posting this by here goes. My fil is a lovely man and recently he's developed a non serious but irritating condition. He's under gp and has been referred on. The thing is he's obsessed with this condition and says he can't wait for the appointment so we researched for him to go private. When presenting him with the options he moaned about every one of them so we gave up.
He's phoning dh every day about this and even when he's told were busy as we have a new baby he goes on and on. I've told dh not to answer the phone when were busy!! I think he's lonely as he moans about that I've suggested cycling or golf but he finds and excuse not to do it. Some people just want to moan don't They?!? And yes I am overinvested

MrsExpo Sat 10-Feb-18 12:51:46

Is he on his own ... no MiL around to buffer the moaning? if so then he's going to take the next route to off load his issues - your DH. It's annoying but try to be a bit more understanding OP.

CanklesByPauline Sat 10-Feb-18 12:56:50

No mil. I don't mind moaning but do something about it ie. Take the private appointment we've researched and he can afford. You can take a horse to water

swingofthings Sat 10-Feb-18 13:11:09

What condition are you talking about? Your fil might actually be doing the right thing not to go private as if he starts with the private route, he will need to continue with it or start afresh. Going to see a consultant is one thing, but if he then needs test, drugs etc... it could become very expensive without private insurance.

Maybe he is becoming very anxious about it and just needs some reassurance? That would explain why he isn't taking on activities. You shouldn't be expected to be there for him all the time, but your OH should be supportive.

CanklesByPauline Sat 10-Feb-18 13:13:12

Dh is very supportive. It's a skin condition he needs an opinion then the gp is happy to take over again. He's constantly reassured by us but I feel like we're taking the weight and Tbh we have other things going on.

upsideup Sat 10-Feb-18 13:15:54

How does your DH feel about it? It sounds from you OP that it is just annoying you?

TroysMammy Sat 10-Feb-18 13:17:07

He could go down the private route to see a Consultant but ime any medication needed will be bounced back to the GP and if he wants to wait to be treated by the NHS the consultant will arrange this. Private consultants mainly work for the NHS. Private work is a sideline.

JediStoleMyBike Sat 10-Feb-18 13:17:15

Not sure why it's up to you whether your DH answers the phone to his own dad or not.

troodiedoo Sat 10-Feb-18 13:17:57

Feel for you OP. But you must be firm and cut him off if he starts banging on. That goes for dh too. No point putting up with it then getting annoyed with yourself.

CanklesByPauline Sat 10-Feb-18 13:19:25

Dh is getting irritated. He works very long hours and we have a new baby. It's not up to me if he answers the phone but I think fil should understand at times we have other priorities

Quorafun Sat 10-Feb-18 13:21:22

OP, you sound unreasonable, and lacking in patience or empathy. Not just for your fil, but also your dh. I don't even understand how you can tell a grown man not to answer his fathers phone calls.

JediStoleMyBike Sat 10-Feb-18 13:22:30

My DH works very long hours and we have a baby also. I'd never dream of telling him not to answer the phone. In my own personal experience it isn't usually two people busy with the baby. If it annoys you, that's one thing but it sounds like your FIL is lonely and needs support. Does he have no other family that he could also speak to? No one that your DH could gently suggest calls FIL to try and fill in some time?
I'm sure it's hard but I can't imagine how horrible it is for the dad in this also.

CanklesByPauline Sat 10-Feb-18 13:24:52

I've asked him not to answer when were busy ie at the baby's appointments I don't think that is unreasonable. He has many other children and one of his children's wife has even less patience than me so she must be even more awful!

upsideup Sat 10-Feb-18 13:25:14

If you DH is in fact getting irritated then leave it to him to sort out, if he is too busy to answer the phone then he dosnt have to but you shouldnt be telling him not to.

troodiedoo Sat 10-Feb-18 13:27:23

You should have written mil instead of fil OP hmm

upsideup Sat 10-Feb-18 13:27:25

Does you baby have that many appointments? I wouldnt think you are allowed to answer phones in a doctors room anyway. How many times has your FiL actually phoned during one of your babies appointments?

PavlovianLunge Sat 10-Feb-18 13:28:36

Sorry OP, but from your posts, I think there’s fault on both sides. Your FIL is calling too often, but you’re lacking empathy. Rather than ignore his calls, I suggest you (or your DH) sit and talk to him, show empathy and give support, but also explain that you have busy and demanding lives, and can’t be on call for him all the time. There must be some middle ground where you have your family time, but your FIL also gets to see you all - or just DH from time to time, to give you a break.

Good luck to you all.

CanklesByPauline Sat 10-Feb-18 13:29:14

exactly troodiewink
We've had nursery nurses and health visitors and immunisation appointments that he knows about and he's phoned during 3 of them.

CanklesByPauline Sat 10-Feb-18 13:30:08

He sees us the most out of his other children. Despite working many hours dh takes him out once a week and visits once aswell.

upsideup Sat 10-Feb-18 13:31:22

You should have written mil instead of fil OP

Why? Would it be more unreasonable for a son to support his mother, or for a mother to seek support from her son?

Quorafun Sat 10-Feb-18 13:35:06

Cankles, do you think your dh deserves a medal for taking his father out once a week? Or do you think you deserve a medal for being less impatient than your sil?

Perhaps your fil is being a bit much, but your post is written in such a way, that its difficult to have any sympathy for you.

JediStoleMyBike Sat 10-Feb-18 13:36:10

Just to clarify (🙄) if the OP had written MIL I'd still think it was ridiculous that she'd tell her husband that he can't answer the phone when he wishes and I'd still think she was being a bit churlish. If FIL rings over baby appointments and your husband answers your issue is with husband, not FIL. You still have no right to demand he doesn't answer though.

CanklesByPauline Sat 10-Feb-18 13:36:35

Ok I'm crap at writing. No one deserves a medal at all. His dad is young and in good health for the record. I like fil he's lovely

Sprinklestar Sat 10-Feb-18 13:37:20

It sounds like he’s relying on you for emotional support. MIL used to be like this and hated when DH’s attention was (quite rightly) focused on our own children when we had them. He needs to back off and give you some space. Goodness knows what he’d be like if this was something serious!

CanklesByPauline Sat 10-Feb-18 13:37:29

I do not demand I ask him not to and we've agreed he's not to answer when the baby is at appointments. I think that is reasonable

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