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About parents' money

(432 Posts)
junpinline Sat 10-Feb-18 11:47:37

My parents are quite wealthy; they have a large house with no mortgage, fancy holidays a few times a year, spend loads on clothes and meals and cars and socialising. My dad works but Mother doesn't.

Recently they came into a large sum of money and are busy spending it on new furniture, redecorating, cars etc.

I have two sisters and we are all in our twenties. Our parents have never given any of us any money. I bought a house two years ago and saved for years, my parents contributed by buying me a kettle.

I'm currently trying to sell the house and I'm going to be few thousand short for a deposit on new house. I'm struggling hard to save this and my parents know. In the meantime they've just bought another new car and are going abroad next week. They always expect expensive gifts at Christmas etc.

AIBU to be starting to resent them for this?

Mrsmadevans Sat 10-Feb-18 13:00:21

I think you should ask them outright

NotSoSprightly Sat 10-Feb-18 13:01:20

YANBU, they sound like my insufferable ex BF's parents constantly getting us to guess how much their new car was etc.

YellowMakesMeSmile Sat 10-Feb-18 13:01:27

My in laws have much more and never give us any. Fair enough. But it's not particularly kind hearted

So to be kind hearted you have to part with money to fund somebody else's wants?

FartyMcLetFly Sat 10-Feb-18 13:02:05

I don't understand why parents who can afford to, don't offer to help their children with big life purchases like houses, or purchases for baby (cot, prom etc).

I've already got a substantial sum saved in case my DS needs help with a deposit and we've started planning for how we could help him if he decides to go to university.

He's only 10 grin

Mrsmadevans Sat 10-Feb-18 13:03:20

Do they actually love you? Only where I come from people who love one another are generous to a fault. They are very selfish and mean to not help you kids out imho but then ppl have different ideas about money/kids/helping them out etc.

fantasmasgoria1 Sat 10-Feb-18 13:04:28

All you can do is ask them. It is their money so it’s up to them but if I were well off and my child asked for a loan I would help them! I certainly would buy them a very inexpensive gift for birthdays and Christmas, if they ask why say you spend it on moving house!

Chewbecca Sat 10-Feb-18 13:04:37

farty there is a big difference between financially supporting your child to go to uni and contributing towards them buying a bigger /better home - which is what is the point of the OP. It is way beyond necessity.

petbear Sat 10-Feb-18 13:04:46

YANBU. Why would parents not help if they can?! confused

And I get sooooo fucked off with this bloody 'you sound bitter' shyte being used to ATTACK someone who is upset and angry, and yes.. bitter. Why should the OP not be?

I would talk to your parents OP, if you need help ask.

But YANBU to be upset and hurt.

Mrsmadevans Sat 10-Feb-18 13:06:01

Farty I am with you my dear , I have made sure my 2 DDS will be able to live comfortably after our days too, we spend bgr all on ourselves because we want to leave it to them. They are our responsibilty for life,
they didn't ask to be born .

bakingaddict Sat 10-Feb-18 13:06:04

It's not about standing on one's own feet or teaching children independence that's what selfish people say to justify their stinginess, it's about recognising that another human being needs help and you're in a position to give it, it's why we have charities and philanthrophic institutions. The OP isn't living beyond her means, she found herself with an unexpected bill in the expensive process of buying a house and thought her parents might offer some help in extunating circumstances

Viviennemary Sat 10-Feb-18 13:09:16

You could ask them for a loan if you feel it would really help you at this present time. And if they say no then stop the expensive gifts at Christmas. But some parents think it is better for children to learn that they need to work for their money rather than be given handouts. And I can see that point of view.

ZBIsabella Sat 10-Feb-18 13:09:47

There is no obligatioi and no expectation. I didn't ask my parents for money. They did pay a lot of my university - I got £50 minimum grant and they made it up to £900 which they were not obliged to do and I always have worked full time. It depends on the person - some think it's best of children to make their own way. others don't. I have helped my older children with house deposit because I would rather they had my savings now than in 30 years when the state will take 40% of it away in inheritance tax and there is nothing I really want to spend it on anyway and am quite happy continuing to work full time.

I can understand both stances. I have gone without a fair bit over 30 years and am supporting children at univesrity at the moment. I am lokoing forward to a few years' time when for the first time in about almost 40 years all my earnings can be for me - I think it will be 5 years before the youngest are fully off my hands. 4 decades is quite a long time to work full time with just about every spare penny going on children but I don't resent it. However when I do come to that point of helping the youngest to buy a first flat I do want that to be it. If someone is desperate they can cadge a bed here and I will buy them potatoes and rice (but they can drink tap water like I do) but other than family holidays if I cn still afford to pay for them I would like to feel I was finished in 5 years and my money is for me and I might well go on holidays etc then . I will have earned it.

XmasInTintagel Sat 10-Feb-18 13:10:27

I'm currently trying to sell the house and I'm going to be few thousand short for a deposit on new house.
This is a very different situation from helping a family member who is struggling to make ends meet though, isn't it? This is the OP deciding she wants a more expensive house than the on she has, but not having the money to fund that preference. In that situation, I realised I couldn't afford it yet, and carried on saving; it may well be that this is what the parents did when they were younger, and that they feel the OP could learn to be patient and save her own deposit.

EssentialHummus Sat 10-Feb-18 13:11:05

You'll get loads of comments op saying you are being unreasonable and that you shouldn't expect help. I disagree. I'd always want to help my DC even when they are adults, especially if I was financially comfortable and in a position to do so. Families should help each other.

I agree with this. We don't know their mentality so it's unhelpful to slag them off, but I really hope it isn't "Well we had to struggle, so you should too".

FizzyGreenWater Sat 10-Feb-18 13:12:42

My mother has never worked a day in her life

Oh sorry, I didn't realise that you were brought up by a live-in nanny! No wonder you have a sense of distance.

It's their money, by the way. If your mum hadn't been there, he may well have been able to earn that cash by himself, but he wouldn't have been able to do it and bring up children and run a family home. You can't have it all, as they say.

Your dad only has what he has - a financially comfortable retirement within his nice home and with his lovely children all grown up - because your mum's labour made that possible.

It's their money.

FartyMcLetFly Sat 10-Feb-18 13:13:42

*They are our responsibilty for life,
they didn't ask to be born .*

Exactly! And especially not into the world as it is today, this country and our economy was a very different place when we started TTC and I can see that in another 10 years when my DS is of the age he will be thinking about house buying it's going to be even worse confused

I don't understand the posters having a go at the OP for "living beyond her means" she's already said she had the money saved but due to unexpected fee she's £1500 short, I'd give my DS that in a heartbeat if I had it, although probably would suggest he pays me back once he's settled and sorted so as ensure he fully understands that handouts don't come by all the time.....

Piffle11 Sat 10-Feb-18 13:15:52

I know people say it's their money, etc, but I don't understand why they wouldn't treat you and your siblings. Seem a bit wrapped up in themselves.

junpinline Sat 10-Feb-18 13:16:16

Have said many times it is to pay unexpected fees. If I don't have the money obviously the whole thing falls through. I can borrow the money for the mortgage no problem but in this day and age the deposit needed it obviously disproportionate to a lot of 'affordability'.

I don't live beyond my means whatsoever.

Need to move house as I no longer live in this town, consent to let has ended.

swingofthings Sat 10-Feb-18 13:16:36

"Well we had to struggle, so you should too".
Yet it's often when you struggle that you lean to appreciate things yourself. Like many, I got myself into debts in my 20s that got my blood pressure going up when I finally faced to them and brought on quite a few months of anxiety. At the time, I would have loved nothing more than my parents telling me not to worry and that they would repay it all, and they were sure I wouldn't do it again. Instead, they told me that I made my bed and it was time to lay in it.

I'm so glad they did though, because the lesson I learned was from having to take on extra work at night and weekends and the misery or it all that really made me not want to do it again. I expect like most who get bailed out of debts, I would have got right back into my bad habits the moment the anxiety was gone.

So call it what it is, I go for 'learning from your own mistakes', but I do believe in letting people get on with their lives unless they are at serious risks to their health and wellbeing.

XmasInTintagel Sat 10-Feb-18 13:16:48

I'm short because of the deposit because of an unexpected cost to selling my house (management exit fee around £1500).
I'm sorry, but that was completely predictable! I strongly suspect it was in the terms of your old mortgage. IF they just made it up out of nowhere, you should easily get it back by telling them it was not in any of the ts&Cs.
I suspect its the former though, and it shows that you should be planning more carefully with money before buying a more expensive house.

Sprinklestar Sat 10-Feb-18 13:16:51

Personally I think you should help family. Both PILs and my DM have had huge inheritances in the past and none of it has filtered down to our generation. That’s their prerogative, obviously. However, it’s pretty galling when we struggle for things and they’re on their fifth cruise of the year. They really have no clue how the housing market and so on have changed over the years and believe it’s our own fault for not working harder. I’ll always help my own children when they need it.

Earlyriser84 Sat 10-Feb-18 13:16:54


I think it's really tight. I would be resentful too. I will help my children in any way I can. I don't understand how you could not.

Averyyounggrandmaofsix Sat 10-Feb-18 13:16:56

My mother in law inherited some money from the sale of half a house which she kept in an account and often boasted about, when she died it was still there and would not have bought half a dog kennel. We have learned from her and when we inherited money we shared with our adult children.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Sat 10-Feb-18 13:17:46

I was very much of the opinion "it's their money, they can spend it how they like" until you mentioned them expecting expensive Christmas presents - fuck OFF to them!

I'm a bit on the fence with helping children with money issues. For one-off situations, like yours, I would lend it to you definitely, maybe give it to you but if I did I would give your siblings the same amount. My Dad is very fair-handed about money like this, and while my sister thinks he's tight because he doesn't just hand over wads of cash like my mum used to, to help her out of the holes her over-spending used to get her into (rather like my mum, actually), I think he's got the right idea.

I would never see my sons starving or in trouble because of money, but I wouldn't be throwing it at them either. I don't think that helps some people (my BIL for one - he's all "take take take" and gives nothing in return - MIL has finally realised but she's cleaned out now), and I don't think you can know prior to the event which way people will go with it.

However, I don't think they have any right to expensive presents - just no! That puts your parents firmly in the grabby category - they want everything for themselves and aren't prepared to share.
My Dad would always help us out when he could, but only on the afore-mentioned basis - a loan, or a gift that would be equalled by the same going to my siblings. He certainly never expected anything other than repayments back again! (No interest charged, either).

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt Sat 10-Feb-18 13:17:50

There's a lot of projecting on this thread that asking for £1,500 in this situation means that the OP is going to expect her parents to fund every purchasing decision she makes from now on.

OP it sucks but there's nothing you can do.

But I'd suggest that you (and your sisters) fall back on an MN cliche - remember this when they're older and need your help and care. Tell them they've got enough savings squirrelled away to sort themselves out.

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