Friends Birthday getaway

[WheelyCote]

So I'm a little annoyed tell me what you think....am I being unreasonable?

This year me and a friend have our big 40's different days.
Her wider group of friends put together a messenger page of what we can do to celebrate her birthday. Fab.

We all suggested a night away etc hot tub food, friends etc no problem.
Then people started talking two nights away, renting a cottage, barn, lodge etc one night out on the town and the second night in hot tub etc.,.a bit out of what I can realistically do.

So my friend found out about messenger group...do of course was invited in so she could give us an idea what she'd like to do. Cool

So far it's a two night thing and if we each chip in...looking at around 120pound each for accommodation. Then the idea is we'd all chip in to pay hers. Then there's the night out, taxis's, food and alcohol for the night in.

I'm working 6 days at the minute to pay off debt that I was left with after a relationship breakdown. I'm tired. Saving for my sons 16th and then it's my 40th that I'd like to save to take me and my two out for a meal.

Anyway I added into the messenger group I could do one night away (not sure where I'd get the money to even do that to be honest)...,well that went down like a lead balloon.

Spoke to birthday friend next day who is not happy and said if I start saving now I'd have enough. She didn't understand at all. It's my 40th this year too and since she seems more bothered that if I don't go..the price goes up for others I.e letting the side down....I'm thinking I'd rather save to do something even better for sons 16th and my own birthday.

Anyway she's in a mood with me and looks like I'm out of the messenger group


Feel like telling her where to go...aibu?

[UpstartCrow]

Wow, some friends. Yanbu. She sounds completely self centered. Have you spoken to the others?

[Palegreenstars]

YANBU amaybe She should pay for herself if she’s worried about the price going up

[Appuskidu]

Wow-what a good friend.

[AmberTopaz]

YANBU. Just say “sorry guys, that’s out of my price range so I won’t be able to join you”. How dare she tell you to save money for her 40th over and above your own and your son’s 16th!

[toolonglurking]

She does not sound like a friend.

[Cleanermaidcook]

Have they removed you from the messenger group?
If it were me I'd say sod them and concentrate on yours and your son's birthdays x

[AllStar14]

You are in no way being unreasonable. Your "friend" is massively out of line expecting you to save for her birthday. I wouldn't even bother going for one night if I was you.

[WheelyCote]

Thanks for your reply's....and agreements...
I've woke up with it on my mind...,wondering if I'm just being a shitty friend but feeling really hacked off at the same time

The messenger group is still there...it was full of everyone messaging....quite fast paced. There was talk of waiting to hear back from a venue...then it's stopped. So I might be being paranoid but I suspect it's been moved to a Whattsapp group.

I have just put a message on saying has anything been agreed.

I'll be livid!! If I have been ditched for not towing the line

[WhooooAmI24601]

She's a cheeky fucker trying to guilt you into subbing her celebrations. Stand your ground and let them get on with it.

I hate this idea that if you're celebrating someone's birthday that suddenly you have to pay for the birthday person; it's fine if it's a meal out (and I'm really not tight at all) but if it's a weekend in Marbella because that's where the birthday-ee wants to go, they can bloody fund it themselves.

[NoSquirrels]

Don’t worry about it.

You can’t expect everyone to do 1 night just because you can’t afford 2, but equally they can’t wxpect you to come at all if you can’t affird it.

Wish her a happy birthday, then save your money for your own family celebrations.

[Merryoldgoat]

People are unbelievable.

Of course you aren’t BU - I don’t understand all this princess shit about Celebes birthdays and hen nights.

If I had a friend in your position I’d either pay for her (if I could), make adjustments so you could come for one night if it suited or say that we’d do something separately after the fact as a joint celebration just the two of us and have no problem at all with you not coming (except of course being disappointed at you not being there).

She sounds really unpleasant.

[Merryoldgoat]

Celebes?? Celebrating obviously!

[Clearoutre]

If it’s still at the discussion stage you have every right to say no! (Pulling out after agreeing to 2 nights and organiser paying a deposit would be unreasonable but it doesn’t sound like that’s the case).

[EllaHen]

I wouldn't go.

Very expensive and her friends don't sound very nice. You are a means to their end - bringing the cost down.

Concentrate on your boy and your own 40th. Oh, and your debts.

[Longhairmightcare]

It sounds like she’s more upset about the cost going up for herself and her other friends, than the fact that you wouldn’t be there, which is hurtful and YANBU.

I suppose if you had at any point agreed to the 2nights and they’d made their calculations based on that I can see why they’d be a bit annoyed at you changing your mind, but if you can’t afford it, you can’t afford it.

If you’ve never signed on for the 2 nights and they’ve just lumped you in to the calculations, then no I wouldn’t have any qualms about simply saying no you can’t afford it, it would mean you couldn’t afford your son’s birthday and then exit the group message.

[Merryoldgoat]

Just read your update. I don’t think you can be annoyed, however, if that’s what they want to do whether or not you can make it.

When I organise this things I present it as ‘this is the plan - who’s in? PM me with any issues’.

It stops the bad feeling being directed at any one person and if there are people unable to go you can assess whether it’s generally unaffordable/impractical, or just an issue for 1 person.

[ReanimatedSGB]

Sounds like your friend has forgotten that you have a big birthday this year, as well. I would just politely back out of their overpriced trip and concentrate on what I want to do for my own birthday.

[AmberTopaz]

But why are you livid? If you said you couldn’t come if it was two nights then I assume that’s why you are not being included in the discussions.

It’s fine to say you can’t come but if everyone else wants to do two nights then YABU to expect them all to change the plan because of you.

[DevilTree]

If they're annoyed and they've moved to a group without you, then count your blessing that you've had a lucky escape! They are not your friends. Concentrate on celebrating you and your son's milestone birthdays. You're well rid of that lot!

[Longhairmightcare]

X-posted with your update.
I do agree with amber though, you can’t be annoyed if they still go ahead with the plan without you though. It is her birthday and she can choose to do what suits her best.
The unreasonable thing was to try to pressure you to keep their own costs down.

[DingDongDenny]

I can't believe she tried to pressure you into prioritising her birthday over yours and your sons. What do you think she would do to celebrate your big day - anything?

[Gingersstuff]

You are not being a bad friend.
They are being bad friends.
I don't get all this princessy shit either. I have a FB friend who spent a whole year celebrating her 40th. Nights out, long spa weekends and 2 foreign holidays. Every FB post was "40th prosecco time!!" It all smacked of quite unbelievable levels of self-centredness.

[Pearlsaringer]

Goodness me these sound like mean girls. The two days away will probably be full of drama, you aren’t missing a thing by not going so don’t give it another thought.

You have your priorities right, OP. Let them get on with it and think about how you would like to celebrate your own birthday, and your son’s.

[Fluffycloudland77]

It's all about her isn't it?.

[Marshmallow3]

Not BU at all. She sounds selfish and you shouldn't be made to feel bad about it.