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AIBU to let children go to STBXH house share?

(10 Posts)
thewrongcolourcup Sat 10-Feb-18 09:44:09

Bit of background (my first post). STBXH has MH issues, financial, addiction, boundary issues. We are divorcing due to many, many complex abusive behaviours (had safeguarding/police involvement).
He had left the family home thank God.
I had no idea of where he ha been living.Now lives in a house share with other men. Knows one of them.
He has been telling the kids during contact he will have them over and sleep overs ect. Not telling me.
I have asked him to not take them there as I do not feel happy:
1. not knowing his address
2. not knowing who else lives there
3. him being able to respect the kids boundaries/stand up to other adults (unwanted physical attention/smoking)

He lives in one bedroom, and other guys in the house, shared kitchen and bathroom. Sounds gross.
He suggest I am being unreasonable letting the kids not go there. He has contact several times a week. I know his main reason is not having to take them out, realistically kids will not enjoy being in one room with him.
plenty of relatives and friends have offered a play date/lunch at theirs ect. he refuses.

There is not enough evidence to stop contact, or have any injunctions which is crap.
TBF i wouldn't want the kids to turn around later on and say I had stopped them seeing him.

FoofFighter Sat 10-Feb-18 09:45:15

If services have already been involved can you ask them for advice on this? It's not an ideal situation.

thewrongcolourcup Sat 10-Feb-18 09:47:22

I have an appointment over half term with HV but will also call SS.

UrsulaPandress Sat 10-Feb-18 09:48:11

How old are the dc?

thewrongcolourcup Sat 10-Feb-18 09:50:35

DC are small, 4 and 2.

tangledyarn Sat 10-Feb-18 09:52:49

Definitely doesn't sound like a good set up for 2 young kids. What will happen if you say no? Have you been through court?

FoofFighter Sat 10-Feb-18 10:34:58

I'd also be checking what kind of house share it is. It is a homeless hostel for instance or a straight up house share. (not judging btw, I have been in a hostel myself with a baby, hence asking as there are all types of people there)

mygorgeousmilo Sat 10-Feb-18 10:53:51

YANBU given the history. I wouldn’t allow it, and I think the situation itself is enough ‘evidence’ to refuse. A 4 and 2yo are already vulnerable with him given the problems you’ve already had, I’d be tempted to ask for a contact centre even without this houseshare business.

MargaretCavendish Sat 10-Feb-18 11:19:58

I think the house share is a bit of red herring here - if he didn't have all the other issues I think refusing him overnight access because he lived in a houseshare (usually a choice made out of financial necessity) would be unfair. But he does have all the other issues, and these are the reasons why, as a pp suggested, a contact centre seems most appropriate.

Chickenagain Sat 10-Feb-18 11:20:44

I would say absolutely not under any circumstances. Apart from anything else it is an unhealthy atmosphere to be brought up in. Given his 'issues' get a solicitors letter drawn up outlining what & how contact is to be facilitated.
SS ? Who knows which way they will blow - completely inconsistent.

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