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not to invite my PiL for lunch?

(23 Posts)
MrsHoneyMummy Sat 10-Feb-18 09:04:09

When our children were younger we used to go over to the in-laws so they could see their grandchildren most Sundays....even when the kids got older, but now they have left home and are working / studying on the other side of the country I am trying to get my Sundays back and out of the "default position" that if we aren't doing anything else we'll go to his parents' (a 20 minute drive).
For perspective, my own parents live a 12 hour journey away and DH hasn't made the trip with me for over a year "because he's working" although I have been with the children.... we have not had a holiday together at all in this time.
All parents are over 80.

So, in order to avoid having to go over to his parents' yet again tomorrow I have invited my best friend and her husband - who we are very close friends with - over for lunch. For various reasons I haven't seen my friend Sarah this year and so am looking forward to catching up - I could have invited them at another time, but why should I have to avoid Sundays just because my in-laws think they are due a visit? (I hasten to add that DH goes to his parents' to fix things for them several times a week if necessary, so it's not as if they don't see him, and we went together last Sunday.)
So DH said to me "we could invite Mum and Dad to lunch with Sarah and Jim - you know that Mum likes them......

No, no, NO!! I'm looking forward to haveing a girly catch up with Sarah while Jim and DH do techy blokes' stuff in DH's workshop.

Am I really being unreasonable not to invite the PiL?

Musicalmistress Sat 10-Feb-18 09:07:18

Not unreasonable at all imo! Sounds like your PIL still get plenty of visits/aren’t abandoned but it’s important to have your own time too.

sonjadog Sat 10-Feb-18 09:11:55

YANBU. You do not have to spend time with your iLs every weekend!

Appuskidu Sat 10-Feb-18 09:16:32

Your DH needs to grow a pair!

How much fun would that be for your friends to turn up for a lovely cosy lunch to find his parents there?!

MiddleClassProblem Sat 10-Feb-18 09:20:05

Not unreasonable but after making seeing PIL fortnightly, to fizzle it a bit, the ones you miss he can go on his own and you can meet friends of do whatever you want too.

But no I wouldn’t invite them to your catch up.

NoodleNooNoo Sat 10-Feb-18 09:20:47

YANBU. However I'm not sure avoidance is the best way forwards. Think you need to have an honest chat with DH about how you want to spend future Sundays.

Bluntness100 Sat 10-Feb-18 09:25:24

God no. He needs to cut the apron strings. Having them there totally changes the dynamic. It's not like you're suggesting going no contact.

It's one thing to be very attached to your parents, it's a whole other ballgame when as an adult you want them to come to events with your mates too.

Simply explain you've friends over and he will see them during the week.

FarmerSee Sat 10-Feb-18 09:29:28

No YANBU. I love my PIL but it would drive me batty if I was expected to dedicate specific days to see them. I hate set routines and obligations like this, and I hate being beholden to others.

I think phasing this Sunday routine out bit by bit would work best for you. And start mixing up the days and frequency you see them. Don't invite them for lunch this Sunday, you're entitled to socialise with your friends without them. Then maybe see them next Saturday (or another day) so they start getting used to expecting you as and when.

ADishBestEatenCold Sat 10-Feb-18 09:40:26

Does your DH acknowledge that he has made no effort to see your parents in over a year?

TattyCat Sat 10-Feb-18 09:41:43

That would be setting a new precedent, so I wouldn't do it.

Inertia Sat 10-Feb-18 09:45:08


You can't see Pil this Sunday as you have other plans. Your DH can make plans with his parents another time.

I wouldn't be surprised if your husband expects to go off and do techy shed stuff with his mate while leaving you to entertain his parents.

babyccinoo Sat 10-Feb-18 09:47:54

It's really unfair that he won't make any effort to see your parents but expects you to visit his every Sunday. Fuck that!

Sundays are precious, spend them how you wish.

He is perfectly able to visit his parents on his own.

sinceyouask Sat 10-Feb-18 09:48:30

Yanbu at all. You do need to have the conversation with your dh though.

Jdabbers Sat 10-Feb-18 09:49:51

Goodness no! Why does he want to spend every Sunday with his parents, that would drive me mad.

Enjoy your girly catch up!

MudCity Sat 10-Feb-18 09:50:19

YANBU at all! Put your foot down.

Mummyoflittledragon Sat 10-Feb-18 09:52:44

You are perhaps in your 50’s. Having 80 yos will completely change the dynamic. What a shame your dh is half a century old and still hasn’t cut the apron strings.

Wellfuckmeinbothears Sat 10-Feb-18 09:54:24

No I don't think you would be unreasonable to not invite them. Its nice to visit his parents maybe one or two sundays a month but not every sunday.

What are his parents like, do they expect you to visit and are unhappy if you don't?

I think it probably needs a conversation between you and your husband where you come to an agreement of how many sundays you visit your parents and that he comes with you to visit your parents too, it seems unfair that he doesn't yet you're expected to go along to his. My step dad's parents are in their 90's, live about 45 minutes drive away and have multiple health issues but my step dad only goes every other weekend unless there is an emergency.

NotAnotherEmma Sat 10-Feb-18 10:01:07

I'd tell my husband to cut the freaking cord already, if I were in your situation.

WaterBuffaloDancing Sat 10-Feb-18 10:02:18

I would suggest fixing a Sunday lunch so every 3 weeks, that gives you 2 free Sundays before you have to go again.

That way you don't feel obliged to go on other Sundays and you can do what you like.

This is why geographically we chose to live an hour from both sets of parents grin

Eeeeek2 Sat 10-Feb-18 10:24:52

Oh god I’ve just glimpse my future

BewareOfDragons Sat 10-Feb-18 10:25:01

Just say no.

And tell him you want him to pick a weekend in the next month or two where he can book Friday and Monday off for a long weekend, or something similar, so you two can go visit your parents for a change.

If he says anything other than yes, I'll get on that, then you need to tell him in no uncertain terms that he's being very unfair to you and your parents.

Onlyjoinedforthisthread Sat 10-Feb-18 10:40:11

Do you've used your friend to avoid your in-laws, aren't you a nice friend!

How about you talk to your husband and discuss why you, understandably, want more free time and not be stuck in a routine on Sundays.

And too those saying tell your husband to grow some, maybe he should grow a pair and stand up to you and ask why you invited a friend deliberately on a Sunday to avoid his parents. Turning this around how would you feel if he invited someone round so someone you care about couldn't visit?

I suggest you both discuss it and reach a reasonable compromise rather than playing childish games.

MrsHoneyMummy Sat 10-Feb-18 15:31:40


I want to see my friend!
The first time we tried to get together in the New Year she was ill.
Then her daughter was visiting for the weekend and then she was away on business.
We are really looking forward to catching up.

I did try to have the conversation with DH about not being tied to going to his parents' all the time, but his mother just doesn't "get" that we'd rather just spend time at home chilling out than go to theirs where there is frequently a bad atmosphere.
He doesn't even really enjoy going himself.... in some ways it's a lot simpler when he goes to fix their TV / computer / shelves / paperwork as that's what they concentrate on rather than the awkward personal stuff (PiL should have divorced years ago but are of a generation that just didn't.)

I have already started doing stuff by myself on Sundays: workshops, concerts, car boot sales.... but I'd like to be doing some of them with DH!

Thanks for the reassurance everyone.... I have this nagging feeling that it is selfish NOT to invite the in-laws, but then I think it's not MY fault that their daughter moved far eough away not to be expected to make weekly visits (although to give her her due she comes down for whole weeks at a time which must be really stressful due to the atmosphere at the in-laws'. I've even suggested she might like to stay here rather than there, but M-i-L would definitely take umbridge at that.)
Sorry about that: a friend in her 50s was widowed four years ago and whilst her own parents live about as far away as mine do, she has her in-laws to cope with (their other son lives 600 miles away and is never seen) Her pa-in-law is housebound and her ma-in-law has Alzheimer's, so I have absolutely forbidden DH to die leaving me to cope with.his parents.

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