To not let 16 year old DD's BF sleep in her room(201 Posts)
DD has just turned 16. She has been with her bf for 8 months. A few weeks ago I would have said he was a lovely lad however he's been caught out messaging other girls and I've lost all fondness for him.
He lives about 10 miles from us which has forced the issue of him staying over earlier than I would have liked. I have let him stay over as long as he is on the sofa by midnight and my DDs bedroom door is open at other times.
They are having sex as we have had a pregnancy scare and she now has the implant. I'm not happy about it (esp as she wasn't 16) and I have spoken to them both about respect, consent etc and asked his dad to speak to him too.
Last night he didn't go downstairs. I'm furious as this is against my house rules. It feels like a lack of respect from them both. I have spoken to her this morning and restated my rules and that we can review them once they have been together a year.
AIBU? They are both over the age of consent and clearly having sex. But letting him stay in her room feels very permissive and not something I'm yet comfortable with. And I'm annoyed they went against the rules last night.
Would really welcome views from parents of other teens.
I don't have teens but no way would I have been allowed to hace people to stay as a teenager. I used to stay at bfs house as their parents didn't seem to be bothered, but even when I moved away to uni and was living with my now dh my gran wouldn't have us sleeping in same bed until we were married. Tbh I was fine with it, it's a respect thing. You dd and bf are taking the piss and I'd be furious!
Doesn’t matter how old she is, it’s your roof, your rules.
As they have now broken them, I would impose a ban to get the message across. It’s an issue of respect towards you and your family.
If it was me, at 16, I'd let them sleep in the same room. But, your house your rules and your DD has been so disrespectful and abused your trust by not sending the boyfriend downstairs.
Personally I don't think your rules make much sense, though I don't necessarily think that makes them unreasonable. BUT they are your rules. It's your house, you're the parent, you made her aware of the rules - she should have respected that. If she disagreed with the rule or wanted an exception making then she should have discussed that with you.
So while I don't particularly agree with your rule, she still should have shown you the respect of not flouting it. To be honest I'd now be saying that he can't stay over at all (because when he does they ignore the rule you set) and agree to review that in a few months.
I'd possibly even say he's not allowed to stay over at all for the next few weeks until she can earn your trust back.
I'd impose a different sanction than not letting him sleep in her room, what she did is unacceptable but better her room than a hovel somewhere else.
While i agree that breaking your rules needs to be punished as its your home i do worry if youve already had a pregnancy scare that theyd be going behind your back to have sex elsewhere- potentially somewhere unsafe. Im not saying that means you should change your rules and let them bonk away in her room when everyones asleep..i just think you may need to have a bit of a think about the rules and the safety of everyone involved.
Thanks all. I can see the rule might not make sense. I'm questioning it myself which is why I said to my DD that we could review it after they have been together a year. (TBH I don't expect them to last that long). But it just feels horrid to have them sleeping together!!
But I am very cross with them both that they floughted the rules last night. I did remind them when I came to bed that he was to go downstairs by 12.
I think you need to maybe think this one through a bit. You know they have sex and are using contraception. I am not sure why them having sex when you are out or at other peoples houses is any different to having sex when he stays over. In fact if it is less illicit then they are highly likely to get bored of each other more quickly!
She broke your rules which isn't ok. However I think you need to revise them. If they're already having sex, where exactly did they do it before if it wasn't in her bedroom? Surely this is the safest location for them to be having sex? They're going to do it regardless so wouldn't you rather she was in her own bedroom than out in the park? They've already done it so why does it matter if they carry on doing it?
It's really disrespectful of them to ignore your rules and that deserves some kind of consequence however I think it's a bit of a silly rule personally.
They are having sex anyway which is completely up to them, surely you would prefer them to have it in a safe environment rather than on a field, bush or at a mates house.
I understand that they are your rules though and that's absolutely up to you and your decision and they should respect that.
Fact is you have been very fair and supportive but also quite rightly had your own boundaries and advised them of these rules.
They willingly broke them.
So the consequence of this is that he no longer gets to stay over. At all, would be my response.
Personally I would have felt very uncomfortable with him staying even on the sofa but I can see the dilemma.
Stick to your guns. You are acting entirely reasonably and teens need rules and boundaries to feel safe even if they don’t always appreciate them.
My parents were total hippies and really permissive and I hugely envied friends whose parents were loving but stricter as it felt comforting having that fence around them iyswim even if the teens themselves moaned about it.
I felt I did too much too young and have many times wished I’d had a parent say no you are too young to me.
As an aside I can understand your discomfort with his other behaviour too. Don’t ever stop working on your DDs self esteem. There is an inkling it may be a bit lacking. I wonder if he forced the issue of staying in her room? He has less to lose in upsetting you than she does. And she really should know that him messaging other girls is wrong and she deserves to be treated with respect always.
You sound like a great parent. It’s such a hard time the teenage years.
In a way your rule doesn’t make sense but it’s what a lot of parents do as there’s something about letting them sleep in the room together all night which feels uncomfortable whether they’re having sez or not. You always want to be able to sleep well without that thought in your head and as it’s your house why shouldn’t you.
It is really disrespectful and I would say he’s not allowed to stay for a certain amount of time as you feel you can’t trust them
I agree with your rule. It’s one thing knowing they are having sex, but another thing letting them shack up together in your house. If you don’t feel comfortable with that, then stick to your guns. I would suggest he doesn’t stay over. In fact I would even drive him home myself if that was the easiest option.
You need to work out the reason you are saying no to him staying in the room.
If it is about sex under your roof - they are having it anyway.
If you don't let him stay again, would you rather they stayed round a "friend's" house where you have no clue what they are up to?
You obviously disapprove of her choice - which will make her more entrenched in seeing him.
Personally I’d let him stay in her room. But you’re not me so you need to be happy with your own rules and they need to stick to them.
On a positive note - it’s great that she told you about the pregnancy scare. You must have a good relationship with your DD.
As punishment for taking the piss and not following your rules he should not be able to stay over for at least a period of time. They should not get away with blatant disrespect and rule breaking whether over the age of consent or not.
Forgot to say they've prove they can't be adult about things.
We have had a LOT of conversations about respect and what she is worth after what he was up to. I do worry that he feels he can get away with anything now she has accepted or at least tolerated his other behaviour.
It's interesting to see the polar extremes of views on this subject. Being a parent isn't easy!!
Your lines/boundaries have been crossed , tbh with you just be glad she has the implant.
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