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My daughter's dog. (Fast becoming mine ) do not want the responsibility

(209 Posts)
Littleoldme52 Sat 10-Feb-18 00:39:16

Hi all
Know it's late but am in real need of advice.
My DD brought her puppy four years ago in July of this year.
I was against it as we live in a flat.
Within two days she had "separation issues" so her boyfriend's parents took him on. They have a house with a garden.
Coco would then stay with us one night in the week and then at weekends.
That was fine . Then my daughters boyfriend's parents sold up and moved away so coco and her boyfriend came to live with us. Love him to death.
All still fine, daughters boyfriend was brilliant walking him before work, after work, clearing up after him etc.
Daughter and her boyfriend (of 8years) broke up and he moved out 😞
So , here is my dilemma. Daughter has never really been responsible for her dog. Bearing in mind he lived with her boyfriend and his parents for the first 3 years.
Coco is now at ours full time. My daughter has met a new boyfriend and is barely here, so I am left looking after her dog. I live in a flat, I have poop bags on my balcony 😡
I am the one that feeds him, polishes the furniture after he jumps all over it. Has to let him in and out all blinking night. He is hard work. He is a cocker spaniel so he needs lots of exercise and he is not getting it.
I get so frustrated with him and it's not fair because he is such a lovely dog.
But ( I will get condemned for this) he is not my dog or my responsibility.
Just to add I have RA so get very tired after work

Sweetpea55 Sun 11-Feb-18 18:13:36

Who's made your DD into a princess?
She needs to take responsibility for her pet or get him rehomed.

user1471558723 Sun 11-Feb-18 17:36:27

Have a look at the Cinnamon Trust.
They may be able to help you.

NeilPetark Sun 11-Feb-18 16:45:41

Did you speak to your DD?

I’m sure she does love the dog, but she doesn’t want to take care of it. She wants a pet without any of the responsibility, and hey you’ll do it. Which she knows.

fenneltea Sun 11-Feb-18 15:00:19

Here are some links that might help OP:-

TheDailyMailLovesTheEUReally Sun 11-Feb-18 14:37:58

I have told my daughter many many times of my concerns about coco, she will not give him up

She won't give him up because she is being selfish. She's thinking about what she wants, not what is best for the dog.

Sorry my daughter is not a selfish brat, she is a hard worker. She cannot take coco into the groomers as he does not like it.

Sorry but she is being selfish. I understand that the dog might not be happy at her workplace - cockers are active dogs so I suspect he wants to run about and that won't be suitable for her work. However she's not coming up with any viable alternatives, is she? She's just leaving it to be your problem.

I am sitting here so frustrated and the negative comments are really not helping

People are being negative because you seem to be burying your head in the sand. You want someone to come up with a magic solution and there isn't one.

Coco is so well loved you would not believe it

Not loved enough to take his best interests into account though.

I just want to say that coco is the most spoilt dog in the world who gets the most love and affection

Affection and spoiling aren't the sole components of love. It's also about doing what's best for him. And he is not being well looked after right now - sorry, but he isn't. Two 30 minute walks a day will not be touching the sides of the exercise that he needs - note that's not wants, needs.

Have tried to tell Katie , who responds with . " I will not re-home him I love him to much"

But she doesn't love him - not really. If she did she wouldn't be leaving him to suffer. He's going out of his mind with boredom which will be causing him stress, and he'll have additional cortisol racing round his body because he's not burning off the energy - because he's not getting enough exercise. She is putting her own interests first and that dog is suffering as a result.

I understand that she works hard. But people who have active dogs don't have jobs that take them away for 12 hours a day - and that's part and parcel of the responsibility of having a dog.

Re-home him. And if your daughter is so insistent that she doesn't want to do that, then she'd better stop spending 6 days a week round at her boyfriend's house - she needs to be walking that dog every morning and every night and getting a dog walker in for the middle of the day. My old neighbour used to have two cockers and they'd be walked - in all weathers - for an hour three times a day.

fenneltea Sun 11-Feb-18 12:11:34

You have been gifted a wonderful opportunity here op to teach your daughter a valuable life lesson of what love really is, it is a case of making sacrifices in order to benefit the object of your love, of doing the hard thing for you but the right thing for the dog.

Keeping an animal in an unsuitable environment, under stimulated mentally and under exercised physically is not loving that animal, you put your own 'wants' aside for the ' needs' of the animal.

If she was my daughter I'd have gone ballistic the minute she brought it home, she has had four years to improve things, but hasn't, because she's quite happy for you to pick up the workload. My mother has RA, and is now at the point where she is practically crippled, I wouldn't dream of dumping an animal she couldn't cope with on her, totally selfish behaviour.

If you don't put your foot down now you are going to end up even more stressed which can worsen RA, there are many times when you have to be cruel to be kind in the long run, and this is one of them.

Your daughter needs to learn to consider her mother and the animals she supposedly loves before her own feelings. You will end up with a nicer daughter the sooner that lesson is learned.

FizzyGreenWater Sun 11-Feb-18 10:15:24

Your daughter is selfish as fuck.

Yep, she does have time. All that time she spends at her boyfriends. She CHOOSES to go there, most nights, from work, when she knows that at home there's a poor little dog that desperately needs exercise and a mum tearing her hair out at having to cope with a cooped up, unhappy frustrated dog. She COULD choose to go home, take that dog straight out for a 45 minute walk then go to her boyfriends. Or take the dog to her boyfriends every other night and they walk the dog together. Nope, too much hassle. Can't be bothered with all that.

She doesn't 'love the dog'. She makes a big noise about loving it but doesn't even fulfil its most basic needs. She doesn't give a shit about the dog. If she did, she wouldn't be able to enjoy all her evenings at her boyfriends, having not even bothered to go and see her dog, leaving the poor thing bored and cooped up while she can't even make time to exercise it.

She needs a really hard lesson - you 'not wanting to upset her' translates as you actually helping her grow into this selfish person. A real dog lover would look on her and her childish jabberings about 'I looove him toooo much' and feel disgust. No, that's not 'loving' an animal, that's treating it appallingly.

And that's before you even get to what she thinks of you. She knows her mum has arthritis issues, can't walk the dog, is struggling with it, and her answer is 'noooooo can't rehome it'? Not 'Mum I'm so sorry, you shouldn't have to take responsibility for MY dog, from now on I'll make sure I'm home every evening and deal with the dog as I should be doing'? No. Just a puppy-dog-eyes bit of whining then back to tripping off to boyfriends after work not giving a shit about all the trouble she's causing you.

Katie is a brat. Coco needs a proper home where she's not at the mercy of being 'loved' by a selfish brat.

Isetan Sun 11-Feb-18 10:09:15

Coco is collateral damage in a dysfunctional mother and daughter dynamic.

Step up your game OP. Be part of the solution and stop being part of the problem.

Gabilan Sun 11-Feb-18 10:00:33

this sounds pathetic but I hate upsetting her

And she knows that and takes advantage of it.

timeisnotaline Sun 11-Feb-18 09:55:15

But she is selfish. Love isn’t good enough, and tbh it’s not really love if she isn’t committed to the dog which she never has been. Parents who love their children lose them because they don’t feed clothe or educate them. Husbands say they love their wives and still hit them. Love is important but it’s not the answer.

NewBrian Sun 11-Feb-18 04:08:30

I’m 24 and lived in a flat with my spaniel for a few years. We’d go out 5 times a day for toilet breaks, 2 of those would be a proper walk. I find a dog sitter when I’m at work and I don’t sleep out because I’ve got a dog!

safariboot Sun 11-Feb-18 02:56:25

The dog's owner, your DD, needs to make time for the dog or else rehome it herself. It's her responsibility.

UnmitigatedBollocks Sun 11-Feb-18 01:49:30

She might love the dog in her way but she doesn’t love it in a way that’s any use to the dog.

Just go ahead and start the rehoming process. Start with the breeder and then move on to breed rescue.

EC22 Sun 11-Feb-18 01:42:26

Letting the dog do the toilet on your balcony is revolting, you must have neighbours living in a flat? I’m surprised they don’t complain.

You cannot keep the dog unless your daughter does a 360 and grows up.

Littleoldme52 Sun 11-Feb-18 01:17:09

Do u know what.
You make perfect sense xxxxx

TryAgainAndAgain Sun 11-Feb-18 01:14:01

What acute dog.

Katie, if your Mum has shown you this thread then I hope you take on board some of the things people have been saying. It sounds like your .Mum is much too nice! So stop taking advantage of her and start looking after your adorable dog yourself. If you can't then get him rehomed.

ilovesooty Sun 11-Feb-18 01:12:29

If you won't get a bit of backbone and put your daughter straight you'll just continue to close your eyes to the shortcomings in the dog's care - care that even if you wanted to you're not physically capable of providing.

ShmooBooMoo Sun 11-Feb-18 01:11:48

OP.. It makes tough reading, I'm sure, but you are partly responsible for your daughter's attitude towards Coco... You make too many excuses for her and enable her behaviour towards him.
Love is not just paying pet insurance, paying a dog walker, covering food costs... Love is an action. It's spending time with the dog, interacting with the dog, walking the dog, cleaning his mess up etc.

You say she does 12 hour days but six days a week she still manages to spend every evening at her boyfriend's? Why can't she go to his less often and spend time with her dog? Or, take the dog to his after work so she can spend time with him and give him a decent walk and fuss?

She sounds very, very immature! She wants her cake and eat it too, no matter the cost to the dog and to your health and sanity.

It's time to take the 'mug' sticker off your forehead and tell her that the dog, in order to be fair to both him and you, gets re-homed or she steps up! Stepping up could mean giving up her 6-8 am cleaning role and giving Coco a decent walk, paying for an hour long afternoon walk daily and collecting him in the evening and taking him to her boyfriend's with her....or staying home!

Personally, I think you are going to be fighting a constant battle... You should show her this thread, explain to her that she will do right by you and the dog and re-home him if she has any respect for you and truly loves him. Being cooped up in a flat, even with two short walks a day, is no life for this breed!

Next time...she should get a goldfish!

Littleoldme52 Sun 11-Feb-18 01:10:58

And I have said that I will talk to her, but she has anxiety issues. Yes she works in a groomers but he hates it there.

Carouselfish Sun 11-Feb-18 01:10:31

If the ex bf or his parents (if they had it as a puppy how could they bear to let it go? They might welcome it back!) won't take it, it needs to be rehomed. Going to the toilet on the balcony is awful, the dog won't enjoy that any more than you enjoy the result! Two half hour walks isn't enough.

Littleoldme52 Sun 11-Feb-18 01:08:34

I know 😞 The photo above is not coco

FancyABrewOrTwo Sun 11-Feb-18 01:06:20

OP I mentioned it because all you keep doing is posting platitude comments of 'but she really loves the dog' and 'she won't rehome' followed by 'but what can I do' when this thread has been full of ideas on what to do.

slashlover Sun 11-Feb-18 01:05:02

Your daughter may love Coco, however she is choosing to spend time with the new BF over the dog. It is almost cruel to keep a dog that needs a lot of exercise in a flat and no amount of love trumps an animals welfare.

I have a cat and would dearly love to adopt another one, but I know my cat would have issues with it and I live in a flat so it's not in her best interests.

AnnieAnoniMouse Sun 11-Feb-18 01:04:22

She’s your daughter, it’s natural to not want to upset her, but she’s an adult and you need to treat her like an adult. She either takes responsibility for Coco or she finds him a new home, she simply cannot leave his care to you. She is behaving incredibly selfishly.

AnnieAnoniMouse Sun 11-Feb-18 01:01:44

I’m replying because you asked why people troll.

Attention I suppose or get MNers ‘frothing’. There’s a whole lot of people out there that laugh & joke and try to outdo each other trolling Mumsnet.

They’re mostly twats that need to get out more, but some of them are just sad, lonely people, who need to get attention somehow, anyhow.

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