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How long is too long.

(8 Posts)
Notthenameiwant Fri 09-Feb-18 23:00:49

So I'll get down to the nitty gritty. DH and I have had our problems for the last 5 years. Breakdowns. Stress. Ds 's possible ASD. Depression. You name it we've been through it. So. Obviously one of the first things to go was sex. It's sporadic at best. Unforfilling and awkward to say the least. So what I'm asking you lovely people of mumsnet is . How long would you last in a sexless marriage?. One that is stymied and stale but you have no chance of escaping from.
Im sat hear in bed crying because after 22 years I know my marriage is over. We both are too lazy to do anything about it. So like his parents i can see us in 15 /20 years time living together hateing each other and not having any kind of a life.
I do appologise if I don't reply to any questions as I'm tired and can't keep my eyes open. I just wanted to know what you would do .

Slightlyperturbedowlagain Fri 09-Feb-18 23:08:12

I think often the relationship issues cause the lack of sex rather than the other way round. Maybe you need to decide what you do want- one of the triggers for leaving my first marriage was realising that actually I would prefer to be single for the rest of my life than be with him. What you have to remember is that however stuck you feel there is a way out if that’s what you want. It’s one of the advantages that 2018 has over 1918 flowers

Notthenameiwant Fri 09-Feb-18 23:12:04

I do love him. I just don't love who he became and who I was after all this stuff happened. I want to have a life again. Not stay as I am now . I've fought too hard to get to the place I am now. I want to be with him. Just not the now man I still want the before man.

bluebell34567 Fri 09-Feb-18 23:15:52

can you both go to relationship counsellor?

Notthenameiwant Fri 09-Feb-18 23:24:37

Tried it but his lies on the big issue are enough to have me walking out. He can't see the truth for what it is. And when i call him on it I'm the twisted list. It's a whole shit heap of a problem.

calmandbright Fri 09-Feb-18 23:31:24

I’ve done the sexless thing TWICE. Once it was me as ‘rejector’ (because he put so much pressure on it killed it for me), and the second as the ‘rejected’ (although I put ZERO pressure on after being on the other end. Some of it was meds etc but ultimately he just wasn’t a sex people). NEVER again. Not in a million years would I settle for no/crap sex. How to sort it in your situ though? I have no idea. Counselling perhaps? Try and talk it through. Although personally I’d fucking hate to have to negotiate a shag. I’m speaking from entirely my own experience here though.

calmandbright Fri 09-Feb-18 23:32:27

Sorry if not clear, the two were separate relationships.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain Sat 10-Feb-18 09:24:07

So sorry it must be very difficult. I think maybe you are starting to realise that you can’t have the ‘old him’ though- it takes 2 of you to reconnect and if he’s not able or willing to do that then it won’t happen. I can recommend individual counselling as a technique for working out what you want to do from the choices that are available. There’s something about explaining it so someone with no connection to you that helps you work it out. Have you spelt out to him that you may have to call time on your relationship if something isn’t worked out soon? It’s just I hear that men often don’t see this sort of thing coming until the woman announces she’s had enough and that’s it.

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