AIBU to be annoyed at seeing my possessions on Facebook(89 Posts)
First post so here goes.
I split with my ex over a year ago. It wasn't a good split.
Just to give a bit of background it might be relevant to why I can't get my things back. He was having an affair with someone from work. I was sick at the time in and out of hospital and not working. He told me I had to leave the house because he was paying for it and if I stayed there he would stop paying the mortgage. I had just recently lost my dad and my job and was in a horrible place and couldn't take the constant nastiness so moved in with my mum.
After about a month of me leaving he moved the woman and her kids into the house we shared. I didn't want to go round there because I found it too upsetting. I asked him to pass my things on to a family member but this didn't happen and he said he didn't have time ! But would sort them out for me. Unfortunatly I have been really sick again and sent emails to him (not nastily but formally) listing my items and asking for them back.
These are not expensive items but they are personal to me. There are a few photos of family members who have passed, a few craft bits and bobs and an item of furniture given to me by a family member.
The thing is today on Facebook a sponsored add pops up for a business ! It happens to be his new gf who has set up some kind of beauty salon and on one of the pictures is my item of furniture ! I know it's mine because it's quite unique.
So i don't know what to think ! Has he given her my things ? She must know that it's mine so why does she want it.
How can I get them back ? Do I just have to give up ? X
I would go to her salon and confront her. She might not be aware it was yours but I would certainly ask for it back and take it there and then.
I think the salon looks as if it's in some kind of garden shed so it's not like I can just walk in and I think being an anxious person would probably stop me doing that x
Take a screenshot of it and then message her, explaining it is yours and you will be coming to collect it on such a date.
If you don't feel you can confront her, send her a factual message on fb. Say it's yours, ex was to arrange to get it back to you etc. Then arrange for someone to go get it and other stuff.
I was kinda trying just to deal with him rather than messaging her directly. But yes you could be right I might have to ask her for them x
I think you need to send a family member around to collect. Email him a time and tell him that's when they're coming.
He doesn't reply to my emails he just ignores them x
I would not give them warning, I would find out where the salon is (must be details of address if she has a fb page for it) and ask a friend who can help move it to go with you and remove it at the time explaining it is yours. There is really nothing she can do, it is yours.
The salon is at the house (the one that used to be mine ) from the pictures it looks like it is in the back garden so not something I can just turn up at or send someone to x
Sorry I'm not sure how to tag someone's name in a post yet
You don't really have a huge number of option...
You can either go round and get your things - it'll be awkward, sure, but you'll have them;
You can send someone else to get your things, if you know someone that you trust to get everything and be calm;
Or you can give up, and decide it's not worth the hassle - and block her business so it doesn't rile you up.
Whatever you decide, id make the decision really quickly, just incase he hasn't kept all of the things you left. Furniture is likely to be kept if it's useful but he or his new partner probably won't want photos of your family around, for example. It'd be unreasonable for him to throw them away, but it's possible that he would/has.
"Dear X (copy to the GF)
I have asked several times to make arrangements for the return of my personal possessions (see list attached). You agreed to return them and as yet have not done so.
If I do not hear from you within 7 days with firm arrangements to either return them or allow access for me to collect them I will have no choice but to take legal action. I will pursue all and any costs incurred by me, including compensation for any lost or damaged items.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Screenshot the pic of your furniture as proof he still has it. And then see a solicitor.
I'm sure that a family member would be happy to go round for me. That is what I tried to arrange in the first place but he said he didn't have the time.
I'm not wanting to take anything that they need or use even though I may have paid for those things fridges, sofas etc.
I suppose I did maybe need someone to say give up though . I think it's just the fact that I had this piece of furniture before I even knew him. I had painted and decoupaged it so it's really distinctive ! I think I even painted my name on the back of it on italic writing . It's not just like it's from ikea and anyone could have it it's so obviously mine. I understand it's useful but why would you want it around ? X
Book a beauty treatment. Leave with the chair.
Forgive me if I have got this wrong, but is your name still on the mortgage? If it is you really ought to take formal steps to have your name taken off if possible, because, if your ex stops paying, the mortgage company could pursue you for outstanding money.
No my name has been removed from the mortgage already x
So, hang on a minute. You have never made the effort to go and collect your things, and you do not have your things.
Don't you think there might be a connection there? Why are you leaving it to him to get your things back to you?
Hello and welcome to Mnet.
Good opening topic
I have made the effort to ask for them back. He didn't want me round at the house I couldn't just go round to his house walk in and take them back could I ?
Yes you could. Of course you could. He has your things. You are entitled to them as they are yours.
I have sent several emails and messages asking when would be convinent to pick them up. I have even tried to liaise with a member of his family to get them back. I'm not at the point or ever will be of going round there and causing a scene
They are your things. If he is keeping them from you that is called stealing. You do not have to create a scene to tell him very simply that if he denies you access to your things then you will report it to the police.
She has children in the house. I wouldn't know if they would be there or not. My ex can be verbally abusive. As much as I would dearly like my things back I don't want to cause them any upset x
Then I guess you will have to put up with looking at your stuff on Facebook. But the truth is that there is nothing stopping you getting your stuff except yourself.
Post a note through the door saying you'll collect xyz at such and such a time and date so could he leave them outside.
Well Cindy , YANBU at feeling upset at seeing your possession up for sale on FB but you do sound like a bit of a pushover, to be frank.
He's clearly not going to do anything at all to return your stuff unless you start playing hardball. Over to you.
But if you're not prepared to take it further, then YABU because what's the point of posting?
I probably am a pushover not really sure why just think I'm a bit beaten after everything that's happened.
I think the advice further up about the letter is probably the best way forward.
I just posted I suppose because I wanted to hear if anyone else had been in the same situation and if they managed to resolve it in an amicable way.
How did he get you off the mortgage? What about your equity?
Don't send a letter. Go and get your stuff. Take a family member with you.
Do you have anxiety? Because I agonise over stuff like this too, but sometimes you've just got to take a deep breath and do it even though you'd rather not.
Good luck to you! But you just have to go.
If you're going to passively wait until he gives you access to a house you've surrendered to get stuff after a year, you're stuffed. You need to be actively pursuing it. Demand it back. And demand you get access to collect. Involve the police if need be.
Selling abandoned stuff is a different matter to selling appropriated stuff.
Through a solicitor. We had only lived in the house 2 years so the equity was very little but he did give me half of it which he sent as a cheque to my solicitor. For that reason I didn't take any of the household items that I had purchased. He gave me his word at the time that my personal items would be returned or available to pick up he just wanted me out of the house quickly and because of my mental state at the time and the fact it was affecting my physical health I left with as much as I could fit in my car (mainly clothes)
At first he would reply to texts and say I could call round on a certain day but then would cancel at the last minute. I contacted a member of his family who was happy to act as a go between because he didn't want me at the house but when she spoke to him about collecting the things he blocked her on Facebook and hasn't spoken to her since
Yes I have very bad anxiety. I used to have agoraphobia but have luckily gotten past that now. I have cptsd mainly due to emergency surgery I had to have. So all this doesn't help but also like has been mentioned I am also to blame for not having my things back
Have you spoken to a solicitor about not only your possession, but about the way you were forced out of the house? If you were married to him you may have an interest in the house even if your name wasn't on it, but only a solicitor can tell you for sure. If you weren't married you're probably out of luck unless your name was on the house.
I'm sorry you've had such a shitty couple of years.
Sorry I have no idea how to post your name in a comment Grocklebocs.
Yes I do have to take the blame for not physically going round to the house myself. He told me not to come round as she felt uncomfortable and that he would drop the things off for me. I accepted that for a couple of months and then started to send messages on whatsapp to ask for them back and like I said his family member was willing to help. He blocked me on whatsapp so then I emailed him and he doesn't reply to the emails. So maybe the letter is the next logical step.
Just want to clarify they haven't tried to sell my furniture (it's a dressing table) she is just using it in her salon and posting pictures of her salon on Facebook x
We weren't married thank god !
My name has been removed from the mortgage he did that very quickly.
The past couple of years have been very tough and probably the reason I have lost my fight.
I haven't spoken to a solicitor. in financial terms they are not worth anything they are just things I miss. Like was mentioned earlier it's possible my photos have been thrown away anyway.
Only send the letter if you're willing to follow up on the threat of taking it further (legal action).
He'll ignore the letter, as he has ignored all your other emails, so you have to be prepared to take action.
This boils my blood. She felt uncomfortable!? You turning up for YOUR things, to YOUR house that she moved into because she had an affair with YOUR partner!? He is a cheeky sod to put it nicely, he wanted an easy life to walk over people how he pleased and not have to deal with the consequences.
Write him a letter of ultimatum and follow through with it if he ignores it. It is not his properly, these types of cases can be heard in a small claims court. Do you have evidence of him acknowledging the belongings are yours?
My name has been removed from the mortgage he did that very quickly.
I'm ignorant of UK law, but how did he do this without your signature? In the US it requires consent. If he forged your signature, you were too ill to think clearly, or signed under duress there may be something that can be done. I understand that there are times that we have to let go because the toll wouldn't be worth it, but as far as the house, don't you think it would be worth seeing a solicitor?
And again, I'm in the US, but here I believe you can't be on a mortgage unless you are also on the deeds.
Uh, not his property that should say.
Small claims BTW if you would accept money in lieu. Alternatively, a solicitor.
Thanks as far as the legal aspect is concerned I'm not really sure where I stand, I have googled obviously and quite a few people say it is a civil matter so I expect that would mean a solicitor ? I don't have a specific solicitor apart from the one I used when I had to sign the house over so it's probably worth me giving them a ring.
I don't think it is something the police will get involved with however I have my doubts about involving them anyway.
Meowstro I was pretty annoyed by this at first and it was an incredibly hard time for me. As I mentioned my health was really bad at the time so I had to try and get past any of the anger I had for her. I have been able to do that and honestly wish her all the best. I would just like her to not use my things and for them to be given back. It's possible that he has lied to her maybe even not told her that these things are mine so she could be totally unaware. I think messaging her would cause tension between them as I had to message her once before when she had called my gp's and told them I no longer lived at the address. I only found out when I couldn't get my repeat medication
No no he didn't forge my signature at all but he had the papers drawn up very quickly if that makes sense ? He wanted me gone as fast as possible. I honestly tried to fight in the beginning and told him I wanted to sell the house because I didn't want her to live in the place I had renovated and put my heart and soul into.
My physical health got really bad (I have Crohn's) the stress meant I had to go in to hospital and I just couldn't keep fighting him so I signed the house over which was the best thing to do all round
I don't want anything from the house. He gave me half of the small equity that we had in it. I also didn't need any of the household items etc that I had purchased as I moved in with my mum. All I really wanted were these few personal items
Oh ok. I didn't realize you'd received something for your share of the house. But if you feel it was under duress it would be better to see a different solicitor. Not the one who advised you to sign the papers.
As far as your belongings I know that here it would be considered theft for him to keep things that you can prove are yours. But having proof is the hard part.
Thank you Acrossthepond I don't feel that I signed them with any force at that point I just wanted to be free and obviously I was very hurt by what had happened and felt like it was the best thing to do.
With further reading on google it seems that it might be possible to file a case with the small claims court for the value of the items. I don't really want money I would just like them back. As I said they are not worth anything really maybe a couple of hundred pounds but they are personal to me.
Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply to me
Go with family members when you know he will be around, send family member to fetch your items. He is being ridiculous but he might hand them out if someone is asking athis doorstep.
He has just replied to my email saying that all my things were taken to the tip after the last time I asked for them.
That he would welcome legal action as he would like to sue me for slander for the "lies" I have told about him
Screenshot the pic on FB and tell him you want that item back. He won't be able to do anything about the so called slander, so he's just spouting bullshit.
Yeah I have done that and he's said it's his because I left it there. The other smaller items he has said he took them to the tip after the last time I asked
Go round with family member and the picture from Facebook when you know she will be there and ask for it back.
It sounds as if he's 'semi' admitted that the one item IS yours in that message. You may want to cc them to his girlfriend just so that she knows she is using, in essence, stolen property. It may not prompt her to do anything, but at least she'll know.
I think you'd have a small claims case. But it may be that the cost of filing could be more than the actual value of the item(s). Not that that would matter to me if it were something very precious.
Is there any way a family member whose name he wouldn't recognize could book an appointment at her 'salon' for a time when asshole will be at work, then you both show up with the picture and the messages?
Little update. I contacted him by email politely asking for my things back. He replied saying he had taken them to the tip. I told him I knew this wasn't true as I had seen one of my items in a Facebook post. I then said I would have to seek some legal advice if that was the case.
He then said that he would see me in court and be seeking his own legal advice in relation to slander ? This is based on the fact that I told certain members of his family exactly how we broke up and that he had been cheating etc.
He went on to say that I had caused him and his girlfriend a lot of problems with his family by divulging this information (stronger words but don't want to swear on here)
Later on in the day he admitted that he does still have my things but that he won't be giving them back because of the trouble (again the telling the truth to family) that I have caused him.
He said that I haven't mentioned any of the nice things he did for me like helping me while I was sick.
At the moment I'm getting really conflicting advice from family members some saying go round and demand your things others saying just leave it because it's obviously causing upset.
Again thanks so much for replying I really appreciate it
Do you mind other people swearing on here? Because he really is a wanker (and reading between the lines other members of his own family seem to think so too)
I am pretty sure in the past a MNetter on here was able to go back to the house with a police officer who ensured that she got her possessions back? You have the proof now that he still has them as he’s admitted it so perhaps that could be an option?
Truth is a defence to slander tell him. But being annoyed with you isn't a defence to theft.
No not at all lol I just wasn't sure if it was against the rules and I didn't want to get the post removed.
Yeah he's a devil dick alright
Don't know if I mentioned earlier but getting the police involved might be tricky because he works for them as does his girlfriend mum and two other members of the family
Then he should know the rules!
Even more reason to get the police
Look, on Sunday morning go round with a family member and pick them up. Then be done with it. Dragging it out and getting into arguments isn’t helping anyone.
Just go round there. If he’s still got your things then I am sure he won’t mind giving you them back. Who wants other people’s crap hanging round? If he doesn’t then at least you can just put it behind you and move on knowing you did what you could.
At the minute you just seem to be waffing around in no mans land expecting them to just turn up.
I understand your reluctance because of your anxiety and the fact he's being a dick. But go round there tomorrow with a friend/family member and demand your belongings back. If he refuses say that you are not leaving until you have them and if he won't give you them then you will phone the police there and then. Be prepared to do this. I think he will be massively reluctant to have his and his familys colleagues calling to his home for a personal dispute. Surely this would be more humiliating to him than just giving you your stuff back?!
Go round with a friend/relative and get your dressing table back. If she is running a beauty salon from a shed in the garden, then if you're feeling a bit spiteful, dob her in to the planning enforcement team at your local planning authority.
Yeah I can see that it seems like I am not actively doing anything about it by not going round and demanding them. But yes this is my anxiety more than anything and it's really hard to overcome.
I was just hoping that I could be a coward and send someone else at an agreed time but that's not going to work.
In fact if anything has been achieved today it's that I have learnt that I need to get more help with the anxiety x
Contact your local police station and ask them for help? The fact he and others work for the police shouldn’t put you off. In fact I’d be using that as the leverage to get the items back.
If he works for the police I'd be contacting my local precinct and speaking to a Watch Commander or Sgt in Charge to politely explain and ask if it's considered a police matter when someone keeps property that they acknowledge does not belong to them when the owner has requested its return. I probably wouldn't mention he worked for the police until I got through to the Commander. And I'd leave the gf out of it (for now).
Anxiety is a monster
But.... don't let him away with this go to the house not on your own ask nicely for your belongings try and put your phone on record
And I bet she's not all legal regarding her little business
God I would have a field day with them
Maybe would be worth a visit to citizens advice
Just a thought
Good luck you poor thing 🙉
If it helps then just ask a family member to go around. It depends how much stuff there is and how complicated it will be to get it back. He may be a dick but he hasn't actually done anything illegal here. If you contact the police, it will just piss him off more.
OP You wrote; "He went on to say that I had caused him and his girlfriend a lot of problems with his family by divulging this information. Later on in the day he admitted that he does still have my things but that he won't be giving them back because of the trouble (again the telling the truth to family) that I have caused him”.
I’m also in the U.S. In the U.S. slander is not slander if what you said was true and he can’t punish you for telling the truth by stealing your stuff. He doesn’t have a leg to stand on.
Thanks guys. Best case senario he just tells me when I can collect the things and I send a couple of my family members to get them. It's chickening out but he managed to make me feel really shit again yesterday by playing games and saying he had thrown them away and he hadn't. He has left it by saying he will sort my things out this week. My family members have said they are more than happy to collect the things for me and I know he won't say anything to them because he's only brace enough to be mean to me.
I haven't told anyone anything that isn't true. He broke up with me saying that because I was depressed after the death of my father that he couldn't cope. I thought fair enough it's hard to cope with it's not his problem. But then it came out he had been seeing this girl from work and she moved in very quickly after he asked me to leave. He was also having affairs with other women at work that I didn't find out about until afterwards. Everything I have told people when they asked why we split up has been the truth so like you say it's not slander
I don't want to involve the police and get anyone in any trouble at work. I don't want to get her in any trouble with her business hopefully it all goes well for her. I would honestly just like my things back. I would like to get them back amicably and with as little fuss as possible.
I really do appreciate what everyone has said though and putting my mind at rest that he can't actually take me to court for slandering him x
Good luck! I really hope you get your stuff back soon x
I have to say you are very and considerate to the OW. Most others would want to hang her up by her entrails from her shed roof. Very classy OP. She's the OW but he's the cheater!
If he works for the police he should know that he cannot keep your possessions. He has got himself into this mess so personally I would go with police. His mess, let him sort it out. You tried to do it nicely but he's just being a dick, so serves him right. And as for slander... does he have any idea how much those cases cost to bring to court?? !!
You have all the messages as proof he's messing with you. I'd send the relatives round armed with the list. Hopefully he'll hand them over.
If not I would send him one last message telling him he has 24 hours to return the items or you will be contacting the police with his messages. Even if they are likely to side with him, it's unlikely he will want his dirty laundry hung out for his colleagues to see, especially given that he is so concerned about "the slander". I'd then carry it out as it would be his choice - that is the course of action he would have knowingly chosen .
If you don't actually ever get the things back then all gloves would be off and I'd be anonymously be informing the tax office. Why should you be the nice one when he has actually been cruel in depriving you of your personal irreplaceable items
not to mention the affairs etc
Please stop prevaricating tom night at 6pm go to house with a friend or two and a vehicle. Say please can I collect my things. Take stuff home.
How long ago did you leave the house?
If you told him you are going to the police to collect the goods as you are scared - would it prompt him to give them you ? Or tell him if he refused to give your family them you would get the police involved
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