To consider having a baby alone(122 Posts)
I got pregnant very young. I worked really hard and managed to buy our home and have a nice life in a limited sort of way. I have a warm relationship with first child but she has grown up.
In many ways I feel I have really missed parenting. Many of my friends have small children. I feel doing it again would be positive.
Id have to use a sperm donor as I do not have a partner - is this a ridiculous idea?
Is there any other way you can imagine having an unlimited life without being a mother? Travel, friendship, community, learning or something else? Religion, hobby etc.
Feels like you know there's a gap but when child 2 grows up there will still be a gap.
No support from family but none first time round either so I'm not bothered about that.
Those things don't interest me political or only passingly.
Can you support you and your DC financially?
Well, yes, I wouldn't think of it otherwise. I did originally hope to meet someone but I am approaching 40 and I can't see it now.
Sorry posted too soon! I had my daughter through ivf as a single woman no regrets life is good!
You feel that doing it again would be positive. Who for? Who else would your child have around him/her if you have no family support? What would your daughter think about this? Have you forgotten how hard it is to be a single parent, how much older are you now? Lots of things to consider. I dallied for quite a long time with the idea of having a third child, but at the end of the day going through it all again, at an older age, was quite daunting.
The baby would be for me. Like every other person who has a baby. To be a parent.
Sounds like a bad idea. This is your hormones screaming at you. Being a single mum a 40 will be a million times harder than an energetic 18 year old!
Can you be an lovely involved adult to some of your friends children?
I think if it's what you want, and you are in a position to support yourself and a child comfortably then go for it. It's very unlikely you will look back and regret doing it wheras you may regret not doing it once you are too old.
A friend of mine used a sperm donor to have her second son in her late 30s. She brought her first son up alone. She says it's the best decision she made, she didn't want to wait for mr right because she might miss her chance to have another child.
So many children don't have dad (or mum) around & grow up perfectly fine in a single parent household. Likewise many grow up without extended family support. If you can support your family & are confident its what you want, go for it!!
Sounds fine to me, you know what it's like, you've done it before... Can't see why not
It's a tough one. Plenty of couples have a baby then split up so end up being a single parent. You'd just have to remember you're choosing to bring a child into the world who will never have a biological father from day one. Again plenty of people do this so it's something you need to be ok with.
What would worry me if I'm honest Is there being no family around.
How old are you? To be blunt I'd be most concerned about the child being left alone as a young adult with no one around him/her. I'm not killing you off by the way just something i'd think about. Being the only parent, no close family or siblings would be a lonely time if the worst should happen.
Having said that I know if one woman who has done it and she says it's the best decision she's made. I'd just weigh it all uo first before making your mind up either way.
Go for it - I really can’t see why this would be a bad idea, it sounds like you are perfectly well equipped and prepared to bring up a child. Child will have you and also older sister - could be lovely. Good luck!
For God's sake don't worry about dying and leaving your child alone. My parents were nearly 40 when they had me and I was lucky enough to have 61 years with them!
If you can afford it, why not? You already know what bringing a child up alone entails so it's not like you're going into this blind.
I would probably speak to DD about it though. Not to ask permission, but just so it's not sprung on her in a "SURPRISE" way.
One thing I might think about would be how close I was to becoming a grandmother and if I'd be 'satisfied' with that role as opposed to having another child. Not sure how old DD is but you indicated you were 'very young'. If you're now 40, that might make her around 24.
It sounds as though you have made your mind up.
To answer your question - for me it would be a ridiculous idea because I would never be able to cope. But you know yourself and your situation so it may not be ridiculous to you.
Would you regret it if you didn't do it?
Do it! If you have the means of supporting a child and you want one then go for it. You've done it before so you know what you're letting yourself in for. No love like it! Good luck I hope it works out for you
I think it's fine. You can afford it. You know what to expect. Go for it.
Yes I think you should, but go into it open minded as now that you are older it may not go as planned.
If you can afford it then I can't see any reason why not. It's about a million times better than having a baby with an unsuitable partner.
Good luck with whatever you decide.
I'm raising a child on my own with no input (financial or otherwise) from her father, to all intents and purposes he was a sperm donor.
It's been hard work tbh and I get a lot of support from my mum, my concerns would be what if the baby/child has additional needs? And what if something happened to you?
My dd has also been very upset at times about not having a dad, she def feels she has missed something in not having a dad in her life.
I'm nearly 40 now and there is no way I would do it all again, I like my sleep too much and as my dd gets older I am looking forward to starting to explore my own interests again.
Some people love their kids but are relieved when the hard work is done and they can get on with their own lives. However, there are people who love the responsibility and the hectic mayhem that is parenting. If you fall into the latter category, then go for it!
Consider fostering? Many many little infants require loving homes
I have to work full time so would not be approved to foster.
Thank you for responses.
I would fully support you in that if you chose to do so.
I think if I was you I would but I'm not you so I cant say
Go for it. I did and no regrets. Love my life
Do what you think will make you happiest ! I think it's a great idea
Wishing you all the luck in the world
It's bloody exhausting becoming a parent in your late 30s. I wouldn't consider it without either a partner or a lot of family support. It's relentless.
IME older mothers don't find having a baby any more or less tiring than young mothers. Babies are tiring. Full stop. What can be harder is having a baby while also having other dependant children (which obviously happens more often to older mums). As you've already had a baby on your own you know what you would be letting yourself in for, but as your dd is independent you'd be just as capable as last time, perhaps more because this time round you'd have the luxury of saving up and paid maternity leave.
It would certainly be easier this time for all sorts of reasons. It is more the ethics of sperm donation to conceieve etc I worry about
I don't see there's any question of ethics in sperm donation done through a reputable clinic.
Dubious ethics would be buying sperm over the internet as you don't really know what you're getting and completely unethical would be 'stealing' a man's sperm by lying about contraception.
How would your older child feel? Does your older child have any other family or are you all the support she has?
I'm younger than you and dd is still early teens, but I've pondered a few times about whether when I'm older and dd independent I'd want another. But whether I want to is my only line of thought, being a lone parent a second time doesn't even enter the equation. So it shouldn't for you.
Personally I think I'll want to enjoy my freedom, and enhance my career. I think if I ever have more dc I would go down the route of adopting older dc. But I don't see why as a lone parent alternatives are being suggested when few would if you had a partner.
What had family around got to do with it the family aren't always helpful and she's 40 if she can afford and she is a gd mum then go for it I know alot of 40 year old mothers it's a brilliant idea
OP can you be a bit clearer about your concerns? Do you feel there are specific ethical issues about sperm donation or generally about choosing to be a single parent?
Not really. I suppose I just worry the child might feel cheated in some way through not having a father.
What I mean op is that whether you want to have another baby and all it entails should be all you base your decision on.
If you've raised your dd alone then you already know the reality of lone parenting, and you say that financially etc you're ok. So how others may or may not view you for choosing to do it alone shouldn't come into it.
Health quite often deteriorates between 40 and 60, or at least there can be problems. For that reason the lack of support would concern me.
Well, that isn't really the concern hog - it is more about how the child could potentially feel. Thank you, though
Well, the child might feel cheated. Or not be bothered at all. So much will depend on their individual personality.
Well,.you won't know that until he or she has grown up. Maybe she will and maybe she won't. Even different siblings raised in exactly the same environment can view their experiences differently.
You will cross that bridge when it happens, and just do your best in the meantime. Good luck x
Yes. I know. Hence why I am posting here not just doing what my heart wants to do
Go for it!!
I'm 41 & desperate for a child but I have schizo affective disorder and couldn't cope alone.
You've done it once and this time you'd have the benefit of experience.
Good luck. You're my hero.
How does your adult dd feel about growing up with just you? I'd use that as a guide.
My dd is 14, and views it in the same way she views not having an older sibling or younger half siblings or an elderly great aunt etc which some dc have.
I think she loves me very much and she is proud to be my daughter and recognises I have raised her with love and gentleness.
But that it is also a small world and that is sad.
How about adoption? Or fostering school aged children? there are so, so many in need of a loving home. You could literally transform a child's life.
Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.
I wouldn't get past an adoption panel. Fostering is a) a full time job b) not your own child.
Hadthesnip I am relieved you have had the snip so that no future children will carry your genes.
had hope you had the snip before reproducing or I pity the poor dc.
I also hope you had the snip and all other healthcare privately and didn't expect the state to pay for you.
I had a child on my own because her father DIDN'T want to know her or paid any money ever towards her keep.
He walked past her in the street. When she died 2years ago he didn't show his face at her funeral. Not all children have father's in their live to look up to.
Yes, a lot of couples split up & so the children might not see much of one of them, but at least they are around & can see the child.
Not necessarily. My maternal grandparents divorced when my mum was a toddler. She never saw her dad again as he emigrated and didn't keep in contact. My mum personally didn't feel as though there was someone missing, as it had been that way almost as long as she could remember.
It's a difficult one, OP as not all children feel the same way. The Donor Conception Network can give you details of research into the outcomes for donor-conceived children. I personally found them to be extremely helpful. Good luck.
I'm sorry to read your story, ParkheadParadise.
DDs Dad didn't keep in touch either.
Sorry for your loss Parkhead
Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.
I have 3 great kids) I would hope that they are as proud of me as I am of them
Hope nobody ever calls them *selfish bitch*if they ever find themselves wanting a child without a partner about.
Fear not, O great Man come to enlighten us Women on the dangers of upturning the natural order of things.
No benefits will be claimed.
I suspect your ex and I would get on well, though.
parkhead sorry to read that
snip 3 kids and you all using taxpayer funded healthcare, 3 lots of maternity care, and in all probability 3 lots of state education is a sizeable reliance on state benefits yourself. If op was planning 5yrs on benefits for one dc it would still be considerably cheaper than what you have cost the taxpayer.
Personally I don't think if people want to go against nature and reproduce despite the evolutionary reasons why they personally shouldn't, they should expect recourse from public funds, but clearly you thought otherwise. Exception to Darwin's theory and all that.
But you see missing out on a father with your silly, uneducated opinions really isn't what anyone intelligent would call a loss. Perhaps you are using reverse psychology to demonstrate why no father is better than the type of arsehole some poor dc have as a father.
Loving the fact that you hear single parent and bring benefits into it, it tells us all we need to know.
As far as not having one parent of either sex around (because mums leave or die too, and there are also gay parents), it's becoming more within the 'norm' these days. As children grow up in the future they will be surrounded by other children with only one parent either through death, choice, or desertion as well as children who have same sex parents. It won't be considered as 'odd' or 'sad' as some people think it is now and as it definitely was thought a generation ago. It will be of no more consideration than eye or hair colour.
If you know you can definitely support the baby emotionally and financially now and as time goes on then I'd say go for it I know plenty of people who don't know their biological father and are perfectly happy and settled and vice versa with those who do know their fathers. Bringing a child into the world is a wonderful thing, however have you thought about adopting or fostering? Plenty of kids already out there who need parenting! Good luck with it all.OP x
Sorry only just ready your update about fostering/adoption. Still think you should go for it though children are great
Just for your answer to Mr Snip I’m going to say you should totes do it. 😉
Seriously, you sound like you have a clue, you’ve done it before, you can afford it, why not?
I was 40 when my youngest was born, it’s exhausting but not impossible.
Yes, LO will need help understanding why there’s no dad in the picture but that’s not insurmountable either.
There are co-parent sperm donation options where the dad is involved in the child's life. This might be a good option for you if you are worried about your child wondering about their father and missing a second parent's influence (although as hadthesnip has demonstrated this is not necessarily a bad thing).
I have two friends who've done this - I say go for it!
One of them has two DC, and she says she'd go for a third in a heartbeat, but for the fact that she's in her 40s now.
P.S. Families come in all shapes and sizes, and children who are well loved go far in life.
I am in a similar situation but am the child. Don't do it, it's fucking horrible and it's really selfish.
So tigerbasil you would rather not exist? Because that's the alternative, it's not like OP has a great partner who wants a kid that she is considering leaving and doing it alone just for fun.
The only thing is OP, it's interesting how you say you have lived a limited life because of becoming a parent early. Well one good thing about becoming a parent early is that you are finished pretty early as well. If you really feel your life has been limited, now is your chance to do whatever you want. It won't be exactly the same as your 20s, but you have more than enough time to study for a new career, take up hobbies, travel, etc. If these things don't interest you anyway then why do you say your life has been limited by not having done them?
Well, put it this way, I would never put a child in the situation I'm in on purpose. So I suppose in a round about way, yes.
And Thursday, it's not about the op, it's about the child who would grow up not knowing their father or anything about that side of themselves ON PURPOSE. I don't get how anyone thinks it's anything other than selfish to actively plan to do that pre conceiving a child.
Yes but you said you were the child of someone who also did this. Fair enough if it's been something difficult in your life. But are you saying it's been so difficult you would rather not have existed? If your answer is no, then why wouldn't OPs future kid feel the same way?
And yes, having kids is selfish in the sense that it's something you want and do for yourself. That's true of every parent in every situation.
I guess I just think that having one loving, stable parent is more than a lot of people have so if you have this you are doing OK.
Many, many people have life long issues over having a terrible father (or mother, or both). Whether that be through negligence, abuse, alcoholism/drug addiction or just not caring. Or their parent died. Or is in jail for a terrible crime. Or committed a terrible crime and isn't in jail.
So not having a dad at all is just one possible source of problems and is far from the worst parental situation that one can be in.
Absolutely, I wonder why more women don't do this when they want another child.
One thing to really consider is that the risk of disability and SEN. I was a single parent at 20, and my daughter has ADHD and ASD. Risk of both of those conditions go up a lot at 40. It made single parenting for me a lot harder, she was extra challenging because of the ADHD and not affectionate because of the ASD. If my daughter didn't go to her father regularly I think I would have had a nervous breakdown. I went on to another relationship eventually and had two more children. Another with ADHD, but much easier to deal with with another adults support and with them being very affectionate made all the difference. I definitely wouldn't chose single parenting a child with ADHD single handedly again. Obviously for me my risk is high, if there is no family history it may be a much lower risk for you.
Have you considered looking for a sperm donor and co-parent in one? I'm vaguely aware of that as an option but not sure how easy that set up is to find. A quick google came up with this: https://www.coparents.co.uk
The heart side of these situations is always easy - you yearn for a baby, there is a way to have one without needing to involve anyone else, you have a realistic idea of motherhood - yeay, go for it.
But the head side is more difficult. You have a young adult child who may still need support, you work full time and will need to continue to work. So childcare is going to make a big impact on your finances. You are nearly 40 and single, so you really need to have a good idea of how your pension is looking so that you are comfortable in your retirement. The expense and career impact shouldn't be shrugged off - these are absolutely life altering.
I can definitely understand the desire for another child to raise, but I would be terrified of ending up in poverty as a result. You have worked hard, you have raised your daughter well. That might have to be enough.
Have you thought about how the new baby will feel not having a father? Not ever knowing who their father is? While your other DD has a father and knows who he is.
Tiger, would you be able to expand a bit on why it is horrible? I would be interested to hear your voice.
Thursday it is hard to explain. When you have a baby a good ten years before most of your peers even think about it and she goes to university when they are just starting to get misty-eyed, you are hugely out of step. I have missed out on a lot and meeting someone nice is a big part of that.
Having a baby again is like this. Imagine you were going on the trip of a lifetime and came down with flu. The airline staff and hotel can't do enough to help you but you still feel wretched for a lot of the trip even though you can see whereyou are is beautiful and exciting.
It is about wanting to do that trip again in full health
As long as you can financially support , then go for it deffinatly! Everyone has a different idea about the ideal family, sometimes you do t need a partner in it x
Go for it. I know women who have successfully used sperm donors and they've never looked back.
But Thursday that question makes no sense. It makes a lot of things in my life hard emotionally, particularly when I was younger, and also now - the question of whether or not someone would rather exist is fruitless, as most people in shitty situations have something they want to live for now that they're here, tha doesn't mean all is fine and dandy. It is more productive to ask would I ever wish the situation on my own child or even my own worst enemy? No I wouldn't. I would never ever actively put my own child in the same situation
I only have one parent and I have had a 'good' life, I have been privileged, the parent I have is excellent but that doesn't change the fact I feel like half a person. That probably wouldn't be as bad if the decision had been made with my best interests at heart (eg parents split and one parent abusive / ends up not bothering / adoption) because at least there is an option that they even exist and you know you 'could' find out, when the decision is made before the child is even in existence I just can't understand it. If you've never been in a situation where you will never ever have even an idea of that one parent etc and all the other shit that comes with that then you probably won't understand.
Sorry I added in adoption and meant that as in the fact you already exist in that situation so if people adopt they're doing it as a positive for the child if that makes sense.
If you can support the child financially and provide a good quality of life, I'd go for it. If it would be a struggle to make ends meet I wouldn't.
We live in a changing world. I think some of identity issues come with the society rigid expectations and the feeling of “being different” as a child or from the sudden discovery in adulthood that the parents had covered up. Those society norms are a thing of the past and we get to create a new norm.
You already know what this child will be missing out on and so you are in a perfect position to help them work through this as a young child/adult. As long as you are truthful from the outset, your child will grow up with much more acceptance than you know.
You are considering giving someone the gift of life! It is not at all selfish IMHO as long as you give consideration beforehand.
It is a tricky one tiger
Did your (mother, I assume) use an anonymous donor?
It's really tricky, and I do agree that times are changing and by the time the potential child gets older it would be a lot more normal, especially with the donor eggs and sperm getting more commonplace, but I don't know if that helps with the way I feel as it doesn't help personally with knowing anything about the other side of yourself and it gets a bit complicated too where getting pregnant with you was purely self serving.
My mother essentially used an anonymous donor but in not the same way as today it was the 80s, all a bit weird. Obviously you have to make whatever decision you do for yourself at this point but I do urge you to think about the potential complications for any child that there would be as a result, i know I would also be extremely jealous if I had a sibling who didn't have the same situation, but I know this is just my experience, so perhaps others feel differently.
I know a few people who have similar situations and have started finding it much harder now they're older / having children of their own, for various reasons, but obviously that's a small sample! I can only tell you how it feels for me - good luck x
Sperm donation isn’t anonymous anymore so the dc would be able to trace them at 18.
Personally I’d rather find someone irl who was happy to ‘donate’ so it was more flexible with regards to contact.
Tiger - I really respect hearing your side of it.
As I say, I have two friends who've gone down the route of having babies by sperm donor, and I've always been fully supportive. As I say, along the lines of - if the baby is well loved, etc.
But I really hear what you're saying.
I do think it is 'easy' when the children are children. But much harder as they become adults, with adult understanding.
It is a platitude to say you're loved and wanted, because I'm sure you are.
More than many.
But it must be very hard to have half your genetic make-up be effectively a mystery.
There is a boy in DCs class that was conceived using donor sperm. The boy has a few learning difficulties and is not a happy child. His mum has to work full time and he's been in 50 hours + of childcare a week since he was tiny. He had a complete meltdown in school on bring your dad to breakfast morning. He quite openly tells the other kids he wishes he had a dad. He's an N of 1 but from what I've seen it really hasn't worked out great for him.
That's it @TheDowagerCuntess - it's all very complicated! I think people have good intentions when they use sperm donors etc and it must be soul destroying to have to make that decision through essentially no fault of your own so I do see how that is really really hard.
but I also think the children of these sort of situations get a lot burdened on them emotionally just by being born and it makes things complicated for them. Especially when you also have the guilt where your parent really is brilliant and has done everything 'right by you' if that makes sense. Which I'm sure is also true for those who have one absent parent / non biological parents, but I just don't think I could make the decision to actively get pregnant with this in mind, it is a life long burden.
I kind of also think the damage has been done by 18, and if someone is donating sperm then as selfless as that can be, they still don't actively want to be your 'parent' so at 18 that also raises questions - and as the other parent you know that before you receive donor sperm.
I hate to be a Debbie downer as I know people are not doing it for fun, I'm sure it's generally a last resort for want of a better phrase, but I do think the child's feelings get lost in it all a bit!
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.