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to understand how people leave

(22 Posts)
helpconfused Fri 09-Feb-18 13:38:41

Just that - how do people leave a long term relationship?
I have a DS 2yrs and share social housing with my partner. Things haven't been right for a long time, I have re-registered with the local housing authority but means starting at the bottom of the queue again. He isn't aware of this. Can be threatening/intimidating and when I have previously tried to leave he just won't let me and things have been very heated, I don't want this around my child. So rightly/wrongly I am looking to leave quietly - how do people actually arrange things?

BumpowderSneezeonAndSnot Fri 09-Feb-18 13:39:47

Speak to housing. I think they'll expect him to leave.

helpconfused Fri 09-Feb-18 13:43:50

I have contacted them previously - he is a joint tenant so he has the same rights as me. There was an incident a long time ago and they asked him to sign it over to me and he refused, they said the only way they can force him to take his name off is to take him to court.

statetrooperstacey Fri 09-Feb-18 13:54:18

Do you love your home? Is it worth fighting for? Or is it more straight forward for you to leave him j. The home and save a lot of angst?
Do you have any family or friends you could move in with temporarily? Do you have money?

helpconfused Fri 09-Feb-18 13:59:09

No money, no room elsewhere. I don't care about the house no, happy to go to be honest.

Gilead Fri 09-Feb-18 14:01:19

Contact Women's Aid. They will be able to help you find a safe way to leave. flowers

KarmaStar Fri 09-Feb-18 14:08:05

Hi OP
If he is being abusive contact the police,verbal abuse is an offense for which,if sufficient evidence,he can be arrested,charged and given bail conditions not to return to the family home.
Otherwise,as pp said,contact the women's refuge for advice and practical help.
Nobody should be suffering domestic abuse,do it and don't feel guilty about it.if not for you,do it for your dc.flowers

vampirethriller Fri 09-Feb-18 17:59:59

The council can get you priority to move quickly if you tell them everything, I've just done it myself. Domestic violence. The police were involved with mine but you wouldn't lose anything by trying. Took me 3 weeks. flowers

helpconfused Sun 18-Feb-18 23:43:39

So, update on this.
Last night he assaulted me when I was holding our DS. The police were called. They arrested him 12 hours ago and have just contacted me to say he has now been interviewed and denied it. The CPS have agreed to charge him with bail conditions not to return to the property or contact me.
What do I do now? Go to the council tomorrow? The safeguarding team will contact me tomorrow. Is it likely my son will be put on a register?

helpconfused Mon 19-Feb-18 08:21:02

Anyone?

nogrip Mon 19-Feb-18 08:30:15

Yes speak to the council today, I would think this changes everything

newmobile Mon 19-Feb-18 08:31:15

Definitely phone to housing and speak to someone about this latest incident and the whole history. safeguarding referral standard in these situations the team will want to support you .

brokeninmoreways Mon 19-Feb-18 08:52:26

Phone womens aid too - look up your local number as it’s easier to get through. They’re great with practical support

brokeninmoreways Mon 19-Feb-18 08:53:01

You can try and get an occupation order which allows you to stay in the house for now (6 months first instance)

brokeninmoreways Mon 19-Feb-18 08:53:18

Women’s aid can help you with this

MyRelationshipIsWeird Mon 19-Feb-18 08:56:18

As long as you are seen to be protecting him i.e. not getting back together with his abusive father, then your son will be fine. Obviously your name will be in the system and they may well contact your doctor etc just so that they can be aware (in case of unexplained injuries etc) but don't panic that anything bad will happen re children's services.

I'm so sorry he assaulted you, it must have been awfully scary. On the plus side it means you now have evidence and a 'good reason' to leave him immediately and to access all the help you can get. Sending you love and strength as you start your new life free of this horrid specimen. flowers

LittleMyLikesSnuffkin Mon 19-Feb-18 09:00:39

Call women’s aid. Google your local area and women’s aid and the number should come up. They can definitely help. Good luck.

expatinscotland Mon 19-Feb-18 09:05:33

Let housing association know immediately!

Justanothernameonthepage Mon 19-Feb-18 09:14:52

Do you have any other evidence to help build up the case (I do believe you, but every piece of evidence helps). Texts/emails, ask the neighbours if they ever heard anything and would be willing to disclose to police? (Only if you feel safe asking).
If he approaches, record and clearly tell him to leave and that you're recording it.
Tell DC's school/nursery so they are aware and can contact you ASAP if he removes/approaches DC.
Talk to GP&woman's aid. Speak out.
Fit chain to all front &back doors.
Look for cheap CCTV.
The moment he breaks bail conditions, call police (ask for a number from the police now). If he returns before answer call 999.
Stay strong. Practice saying ' he attacked me when I was holding x' in case he gets his family to be flying monkeys.

GrannyGrissle Mon 19-Feb-18 09:38:59

I did a moonlight flit. Am a bit of an expert at that. Womans' Aid for advice OP?

AjasLipstick Mon 19-Feb-18 09:59:33

Op councils will usually do their best to oust a wanker of a violent partner even if he IS a joint tenant. They decide who has most care of any children then award the home to that person because the children come first.

helpconfused Mon 19-Feb-18 21:30:56

So today I went to the local council and gave details of what happened along with the paperwork the police gave me. The HA came to fix the broken front door. Not allowed to change locks as he is joint tenant. Currently on bail and not allowed to contact me or come to property. The police brought him last night to get some belongings. I have the HA coming to me on Wednesday to discuss options.
Thanks everyone. We haven't been right for a long time and this happened with DS in the middle and it is the final straw. Is it bad I'm not upset? I feel guilty for DS but I also feel relieved that it is over.

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