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Aibu to not make this trip for my ex husband?

(37 Posts)
Quiddichcup Fri 09-Feb-18 10:18:25

Ex was meant to be having dd for half term week.
I had pestered him to get arrangements as he is never forth coming and we we had agreed to meet half way on Saturday. He lives 2 hours away.

I cannot afford the petrol and have said yestetday that i can no longer meet him there and to let me know when is ok for him to collect her.

It's all kicked off and ive been subjected to 24 hrs of abuse. He refuses to live by my rules apparently. But the fact he has seen dd for 4 days since the end of nov and ive gladly done the extra and not said a word nor recieved any extra payment for doing so.

We have been separated for longer than we were married and I just don't know what to do. As it stands I now don't know if he is having dd at all.

He moves either away in the summer and it won't be practical to do so much driving all the time .

But, aibu about this?

Dd is 12 and has a terrible relationship with him. She was only planning on going to make it fair and to see her half brother.

AnyFucker Fri 09-Feb-18 10:20:38

He doesn't pay for his child ?

Elocutioner Fri 09-Feb-18 10:23:16

To be fair to him you have changed the arrangement at the last minute without referring to him at all.

I'm not surprised he's pissed off.

Just stick to what was agreed.

FitBitFanClub Fri 09-Feb-18 10:23:47

I wonder if you could have perhaps handled it in a better way, though. You had agreed to meet halfway, and I understand about the expense being an issue for you. But if you really sent a message stating so bluntly that you just weren't doing it any longer and for "him to let you know when he would be collecting" instead has understandably pissed him off. Could you not have explained that the money was an issue and asked if there was any way he could collect instead?

Elocutioner Fri 09-Feb-18 10:23:48

It doesn't say he doesn't pay for his child.

FitBitFanClub Fri 09-Feb-18 10:25:30

AF she said "extra" payment (presumably for him not having the overnights he was meant to?)

MyBrilliantDisguise Fri 09-Feb-18 10:27:08

Don't give in. If he wants to send you the petrol money, that's fine, but otherwise you've taken on all costs and he's not. She doesn't even want to see him!

IWannaSeeHowItEnds Fri 09-Feb-18 10:27:28

If he's only seen her for 4 days since November, he's a shit dad. So fuck what he thinks. He either picks her up and sees her or he doesn't - it's not your responsibility to facilitate his access. You've told him you cannot afford it, presumably.

Blackteadrinker77 Fri 09-Feb-18 10:28:46

If he pays maintenance he can take the fuel money from there I believe.

How much notice did you give him that you didn't have the money and were changing the plans?

IWannaSeeHowItEnds Fri 09-Feb-18 10:35:26

Maintenance is to keep the child fed, clothed and housed. Not to cover dad's petrol costs. Besides, he's not paying for all the nights OP has dd, that he should have been looking after her.

Elocutioner Fri 09-Feb-18 10:41:35

He cannot take fuel money from the maintenance.

All parties should adhere to the agreement, or give the other party ample notice that they would like to renegotiate.

The OP is being UR. She agreed to the trip, no one forced her.

RadioGaGoo Fri 09-Feb-18 10:47:50

Ask him to agree to a structured visiting routine.

RadioGaGoo Fri 09-Feb-18 10:53:19

I don't think you are under any obligation to facilitate his access. You offered, but now you can't do it. Surely he can drive a little bit further to see his DD that he sees so infrequently.

VimFuego101 Fri 09-Feb-18 10:55:36

Who moved away? If it's him, he should be doing the bulk of the driving. That said, it wasn't really fair to agree to meet and then change plans later.

Quiddichcup Fri 09-Feb-18 10:56:07

He can't do structured visits due to his job and a lot of the time won't confirm times till the same day.

I was hoping I would have the money but do not and if I do spend it on petrol I won't have enough to feed myself which I don't think is a good idea.

FitBitFanClub Fri 09-Feb-18 10:56:14

I don't think you are under any obligation to facilitate his access. You offered, but now you can't do it. Surely he can drive a little bit further to see his DD that he sees so infrequently.

Of course. But the way the OP seems to have approached it was not perhaps the best way to get him to do that.

LegallyBrunet Fri 09-Feb-18 10:56:57

Actually you can take fuel money from maintainence costs. You can ask for a reduction in child maintainence if you have to travel a significant distance to collect the child.

JaneEyre70 Fri 09-Feb-18 10:57:14

He chose to move away, not you. If he wants time with his DD, he comes and gets her. Or he gives you the fuel money to meet him halfway. But don't make agreements and then back out, as that makes you no better than him.

RadioGaGoo Fri 09-Feb-18 10:57:31

Yes, agree Fitbit. It could have been worded better really.

needmysleep75 Fri 09-Feb-18 10:57:36

Could you say that if he transfers you the money for petrol you can still meet him half way? It does sound like maybe you were a bit blunt and that annoyed him but then he doesn't sound wonderful either?
Just thinking that until she's a bit older it is worth keeping up a relationship with her dad if you can

Quiddichcup Fri 09-Feb-18 10:58:25

He moves a lot as he is forces. Plus has frequent times of not being around or being in various places in the country.

He refuses to drive the extra 45mins to my house as his children don't like being in the car that long. And in the next sentance he tells me he doesn't give a fuck about my life and he never has done.

Elocutioner Fri 09-Feb-18 10:59:00

You can't unilaterally decide how access should work. It needs to be agreed and if you can't agree then that's what court is for.

If he moved away then yes, he should pay for the bulk of the travel, but you can't just decide this on your own. It needs to be a clear agreement.

Quiddichcup Fri 09-Feb-18 11:01:37

What I actually text him was that i was very sorry, things had changed and I was no longer able to meet him half way. If he wanted to collect dd at any other time to make it easier to let me know.

In Dec he had said he wasn't going to see her at all. Then he said he had a free 36 hours so I cancelled all our plans to facilitate this for him. Which I do all the time.

KarmaStar Fri 09-Feb-18 11:01:49

No way should you give in to this bully .
You're not saying 'i can't be bothered'you can't afford the fuel.
You've bent over backwards before to help him,now he feels entitled to demand you do something when it's not financially possible.
Just be glad you're not still living with him.flowers

donners312 Fri 09-Feb-18 11:05:57

Yes why don't you do all the work bringing up your DD your ex can just see her when it suits him and you can go out of your way to facilitate the one time that he does see her in 4 months?

And yes even though we have no idea how you actually worded your message to him you really should be more polite to him.

(Just ignore him if DD doesn't want to see him anyway make your own plans for half term or sort out childcare.)

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