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to want to tell DD to sod off?

(158 Posts)
wtf2015 Thu 08-Feb-18 22:48:48

So single mother with 5DC, ex has remarried and has a new baby. He is very successful in his career and is earns £250k a year. I earn 20k, I’ve given up my career to bring up children and have enjoyed it with few regrets. I have made huge sacrifices, personally and professionally whereas my ex is a selfish bastard. My dc recognise this but have learnt to accept how he is as he will never change. DD is in year 11 and has just announced that she is going prom dress shopping with her step mother as ex has offered to pay for it. The penny has just dropped that this is the same as when my son left for uni and my ex and step mother took him down to halls as they’d offered to take him buy all his bedding from the white company. FFS my ds and now my dd have no respect for me and I’ve given up so much for them.

Itsbecauseimaleo Thu 08-Feb-18 22:52:13

I think you're being a little unfair. He is their dad and surely it doesn't mean they love you any less?

needmysleep75 Thu 08-Feb-18 22:53:27

Or maybe she knows he has the money and is using him, it doesn't mean she has no respect for you. Teenagers are not known for their tact, maybe she see's it as a way of getting a more expensive dress that he can afford and you probably couldn't.
I'd be honest with her and say you are upset you won't be going prom shopping with her and see what she says. Don't go mad about it though, they know who it is that has put the time and effort in over the years.

TheHappyRedDragon Thu 08-Feb-18 22:54:01

I think you are being very unfair. At her age, a prom dress is important and it has nothing to do with not respecting or loving you.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe Thu 08-Feb-18 22:55:00

I don't get the problem? He earns more than 10 times your salary, I would think he's easily able to afford prom dresses etc so why would the dc decline?

RavenWings Thu 08-Feb-18 22:55:05

Can you go with them? I'm guessing you're upset that stepmum is going on what you view as a mother/daughter experience and intruding on your role. Yanbu to be sad about that.

No matter what, you will always be her mother and you've said yourself your DC recognise how selfish your ex can be. Years of parenting matter more than flashing cash and paying for one day.

PinkHeart5914 Thu 08-Feb-18 22:55:25

Thing is he is their Dad and just becuase they choose to do something with him and his new partner it doesn’t mean they don’t love you or know all you have done for them.

I do think maybe your being a bit unfair with the “ well I’ve given up more for you attitude”

Batmanwearspants Thu 08-Feb-18 22:57:33

how is it disrespecting you to accept a present from their dad?

You say he earns a lot more than you, well then he for sure should be buying this stuff.

NancyDonahue Thu 08-Feb-18 22:59:53

She's doing you a favour. Prom dresses can cost a fortune. Make sure she gets shoes, bag and accessories while they're out too.

I presume you will be the one helping her get ready on the day? that's the really special bit.

cestlavielife Thu 08-Feb-18 22:59:55

You gave it up for yourself...

It's great the dad will pay for the kids stuff. He is their dad.
You can still look at dress styles with dd. If you both want to.
It has nothing to do with respect.

Don't be bitter and say you "gave it up" for dd....

wtf2015 Thu 08-Feb-18 22:59:55

Sorry, typo.... she is going with step mum not ex as well. He is paying for it. I’m upset as this is what he does... flash the cash when it suits him and he can get at me. Rest of the time he doesn’t give a shit.

Camelsinthegobi Thu 08-Feb-18 23:00:36

Can you book something else for the prom to be a mother/daughter thing? Hair/nail appointments? Honestly, I wouldn’t have turned down the offer of an expensive dress as a teen, either.

cestlavielife Thu 08-Feb-18 23:00:53

But ypur dd is getting the benefit of the cash ftom her dad.
Don't let it get to you

cherryontopp Thu 08-Feb-18 23:01:03

I think a lot of posters are missing the point.

Its not that her DD is accepting a present off her dad, its the fact of missing out on going dress shopping with her daughter for the prom. I would be gutted.

I would ask to go with them personally.

ScattyCharly Thu 08-Feb-18 23:01:42

She will be old enough to know that. Don’t take it as an insult op. I doubt she wants to ask you to pay for a prom dress she knows you can’t afgorc.

Haggisfish Thu 08-Feb-18 23:02:43

I see why you’re upset but try not to be. Dd will always love you more and you will always come first later in life. Let her use useless exdh for his money.

Haggisfish Thu 08-Feb-18 23:03:17

I would also ask to go with them....

ChampagneSocialist1 Thu 08-Feb-18 23:03:20

Don't you get any child maintenance from your ex if he's on £250k you should be getting a wedge for your 5dcs

minniemoll Thu 08-Feb-18 23:04:04

Can you go browsing with her beforehand, so you can pick out a dress with her, then let her go with her stepmother to buy it (after discounting many others first, of course)? That way you get the fun bit and he pays - win win.

Allthewaves Thu 08-Feb-18 23:04:21

He's offered to buy her dress - she's probably thinking 'happy days, I get a dress and saves mum the cost'

LindySprint Thu 08-Feb-18 23:05:40

I get you, OP. Loads of posters won't, though.

alotalotalot Thu 08-Feb-18 23:09:07

She's probably aware that she's milking him for as much as she can get.

Atalune Thu 08-Feb-18 23:14:19

Does he pay fair maintenance ?

Zaphodsotherhead Thu 08-Feb-18 23:15:32

I understand it's upsetting.

My XH also earns far far more than me, refused to pay CSA (until he'd run up a £30,000 debt, which they seem to all conveniently have forgotten about now) and used money as a way of controlling the children.

They took advantage of it at first, but now (they are all in their twenties) they can see through him clear as day. They know who did without to make sure they were fed and clothed. Your day will come, never fear.

Yvonne1958 Thu 08-Feb-18 23:25:03

Your children, when they’re older will realise what you have done for them. Right now this must feel like hell on earth to you. Teenagers are bloody hard work, when they come out of the other side, they will realise what their Dad is like. I wish you all the best

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