Flatmate's FWB(46 Posts)
As a 21-year-old non-mum mumsnet lurker I hope you won't find it too odd that I'm posting on here. AIBU has been the best/worst deep hole to jump down whenever final year procrastination has struck.
I would really love your opinions on my situation. And if I am being unreasonable then please feel free to tell me so (would even enjoy a few harsh/rude comments).
I am currently living in a two bedroom flat with a course mate. We got on well for the most part, but I feel this can mostly be attributed to the fact that I will do almost anything to avoid conflict/tension. Yesterday she emailed me asking if her FWB could stay with us for a week whilst he is in between flats. The situation is quite odd because I have actually never met him but have heard him moving around our flat over the past few weeks since she's met him (we don't have a living room and our schedules don't really align). My initial response was that I wasn't exactly comfortable with the idea. This is mostly due to the fact that I'm experiencing quite a lot of anxiety with university/masters applications and really enjoy coming home and not having to concern myself with small talk, tiptoeing around and just generally not feeling at ease. Also, the walls are INCREDIBLY thin and I can pretty much make out word for word what they are saying (and doing). However, when I shared my feelings she was incredibly dismissive/combative and expressed how she felt his staying here wouldn't really affect me as he would mostly be staying her room and how it's her room and she can do what she wants etc. I am an extremely passive and easygoing person (euphemism for doormat) and I also get flustered in moments like these. I'm annoyed that I didn't express myself and that she didn't appreciate where I was coming from.
My flatmate is an incredibly intelligent and complex person. Having lived with her I also think it is likely she has narcissistic personality disorder (just my opinion). She often has guys over and I'm pretty ok with this. I can hear her crying as we speak.
Also, she literally just had her sister from America staying with us for three weeks also.
AIBU even if I can't explicitly state why I don't want him here for a week?
No, not at all. It may be her room, but you are sharing a flat and you obviously entered that arrangement on the basis that you would be sharing with one person!
No. You're not being unreasonable to not want a stranger in your place for a week.
Are you a joint tenancy or do you rent your rooms separately? If its separate there might be conditions about other people staying.
Especially since you've never met him, I wouldn't want a stranger living with me for a week!
If you've not set eyes on him so far, are you really likely to for the week?
We have a joint tenancy
The fact we haven't met is largely coincidental but also due to the fact that I've had three big presentations to give over the past few weeks so have mostly been staying in my room prepping/leaving the flat early to go to the library. Whenever I've heard him in the bathroom I've just waited. Not sure I can do this for a full week
Say no and leave at as that.
The fact she has known him only weeks is worrying.
I think the fact that she has already had someone staying for three weeks means that you can, politely , point out that you were very reasonable in not objecting to that guest but that enough is enough, and it is not fair that she is now expecting you to once again share your living space with a stranger. Point out that the kitchen and bathroom are as much yours as hers and that they are areas where you are as entitled to feel relaxed and private as your bedroom . Having other people intruding on your privacy is removing your right to quiet enjoyment of your home.
She has just informed me that she wasn't really asking but more informing me (which she didn't have to do so I should be grateful)
I know it sounds like I'm being a bit of a weirdo sneaking around my own flat but my anxiety (which I have never experienced before) means I am avoiding any situation that makes me uncomfortable. Little things can make me feel disproportionately shit
Thanks for the input. I can't talk to my parents about this. And we share close friends. It's nice just to be heard
How are your bills split?
Because she appears to be taking the piss.
Return the favour.
Rustle up a friend or two to stay on the sofa for a few weeks.
Tough one because technically you both have the same rights in the flat - so she has the right to have someone over, but you also have the right to some peace and privacy.
I'd actually consider Niki's suggestion of bringing in a friend yourself, just to SHOW her how fucking inconsiderate she's being of your privacy and peace.
She's never going to get it otherwise.
I used to have lodgers in my house - one of them started going out with a girl who had zero social skills where I was concerned. She would never speak to me, even when we were both in the kitchen at the same time. They did spend most of their time in his room, which was fine by me except when they played their music too loud (also quite thin walls/door). I rarely heard any night-time noises though so I wasn't too bothered, although I found the girlfriend really very rude. He didn't bring her for a week a time though, only the weekend or the occasional night. I put up with her because I liked my lodger - but I wasn't very happy about it.
I agree with Niki. If you can bear it, have a friend/relative to stay. Ask them to be particularly obnoxious.
Your flatmate sounds like right PITA. Sorry, you have to put up with this.
Work out the bills for those periods, split them in three and tell her to cough up as she’s taking the piss with gas, electric, water and potential WiFi extra surcharges
Agree with @savvyblancblonde : if you can, split the bills 3 ways. She’s taking the piss.
YANBU she has only known him a matter of weeks. I wouldn’t want to have to live and be left alone with a stranger either! Your friend doesn’t even know him!
It's always one rule for my flatmate one rule for me. I told my flatmate that she would need to make sure that they're not too loud after a certain point (I suggested 2 AM like the mug I am). And she just blankly looks at me and tells me she can do what she wants and how she can sometimes hear me at night. Basically, two wrongs make a right logic. However, after hearing this information I will be adjusting my behaviour- that's the difference! This is a weird tactic she employs where she'll say only share an observation about me during a discussion/argument but then says but "oh no it's a not problem just that you do it too". What am I supposed to do with this? Any other year I would be able to handle this. But I am just the tiniest bit fragile right now. And this just pisses me off!
I just feel like anytime I make a valid point (on anything) she takes it very personally. She cries etc. Even if it's just me wanting to double check how much a takeaway cost (when splitting) cause this apparently implies I don't trust her. There's so much I don't bring to her attention. Plus she has a very nasty streak where she openly expresses how much better/prettier she is than everyone. I did not know people like this existed! You never really know someone until you live with them, lesson learned.
I think I will have a friend come over for a few days. Not sure anyone would be able to handle the lumpy sofa for longer. Hopefully, it will be long enough to highlight how it changes the flat dynamics.
It's such an imposition that it's truly shocking she is incapable of seeing my issues. Last term she chastised me for visiting my (now ex) boyfriend too often! I have accepted she just doesn't get it, her personality won't allow it. Dwelling on this issue is not going to help me. Ideally, I would go home but unfortunately, that has become an unpleasant/toxic place (due to mother's mental health issues). Would be nice to have somewhere to retreat to and recharge my batteries for a few days. Oh well, it could always be worse. In a weird way, I'll use this as motivation to work a bit harder at university. Don't want to fall at the last hurdle now. I've worked too hard for this.
Sorry for rambling posts, just needed to get it out!
You are not being at all unreasonable. You are sharing a flat with her. That was - and is - the deal. It is your home and you want to feel at ease there instead of having assorted characters wafting around.
Hmmm - I notice that you say
"I know it sounds like I'm being a bit of a weirdo sneaking around my own flat but my anxiety (which I have never experienced before) means I am avoiding any situation that makes me uncomfortable. Little things can make me feel disproportionately shit"
"I also think it is likely she has narcissistic personality disorder (just my opinion)"
I suspect these two issues are related.
Is the flat share for the academic year only?
I think my anxiety is due to a combination of factors- jobs/masters/last year nerves/family situation. But my flatmate certainly has contributed to it. Last week (out of nowhere) she attacked every facet of my personality. Actually, it became evident that this outburst was due to the fact that she needed to talk but I kept talking about myself. Now, whenever I explicitly asked if she is ok she always tells me she doesn't want to talk about it. My strategy is to always steer conversations towards something more positive- which supposedly makes me self-obsessed. Something I have never been accused of. I had to take a walk to calm myself down. I am usually a lot stronger than this and would ordinarily ignore such BS but like I said small things can upset me out of nowhere!
Also, after evaluating my character she has determined I am "obsessed with labels". Her justification for this was that I kept mentioning the price of a casserole dish that broke. I come from an incredibly humble background and do my best to "maintain appearances" at a university that is populated with exceedingly well-off students. I don't pretend to be something I'm not but just use the money I have saved over the summer effectively. Apparently we "were raised differently"- this was said in an unbelievably condescending manner. Too right we were. She had a personal assistant to help her through highschool and SATS! Whilst I was dealing with bailiffs at my dad's restaurant and simultaneously revising for my A-levels. I honestly don't like to play the victim and don't resent her for her good fortune. Afterall that's what I am working towards now. No more self-pity! I'm sort of embarrassed! Sorry everyone
You need to get away from this spoilt bitch as soon as possible. Look into how you end the tenancy.
Fit a lock on your door ( make good before you leave). If the shagging gets too loud, bucket of water should do the trick.
Seriously - get out.
She wants a man you have never met to stay for a week, presumably there will be times when she's not in and just the two of you will be there.
I wouldn't be at all happy with that.
Also the bills, she's just had a visitor for three weeks, who paid that persons cut of the rent, electricity, gas?
Occasional overnight stays are one thing but weeks on end is another, what will you do if it goes on longer than a week?
This FWB is staying rent free for another week, that a month out of the year already she's had people staying for free.
I'd say no, but I understand how difficult that is too, get a lock for your bedroom in the meantime.
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