AIBU - DH gives DD chocolate at 7.30am(132 Posts)
DH drops DD off at breakfast club 4 days a week and they leave about 10 minutes after I go to work. Apparently after I have left it is so hard to get DD out the door without a meltdown that DH gives her some chocolate.
I have asked him repeatedly not to (and I get her out of the house on the 5th day without any kind of meltdown) but he says I'm not there so it isn't up to me.
I think giving a 6 year old chocolate 4 days a week at 7.30am is fucking disgraceful but is he right that as I'm not there it isn't up to me?
The phrase 'rod for his own back' springs to mind!
You seem to be able to get her out of the door fairly efficiently on your day & she's 6, not 2! What does DD do that makes it hard for them to leave, what behaviours does she exhibit?
If DD doesn't have any SEN then you & DH need to agree a parenting strategy that both of you agree with & implement it next week. It will be hard but no, a 6 year old does not need bribing with chocolate!
How much chocolate are we talking?
Massive bar of dairy milk..I see your point
Small kit Kat or similar? Well whatever makes his life that bit easier
I'd be cross. Could you suggest a chart or pom pom jar. Every day she leaves the house she gets a sticker or pom pom in the jar then at endnof week she gets a small treat. I keep a box of blind bags, pencils etc my kids can pick from - little things they really want
I’d be annoyed too, he needs to get a grip and learn to manage without these kind of bribes.
And to the previous poster I wouldn’t say a whole kitkat even a 2 finger one is a small amount - especially at that time of the morning
How much chocolate? Ok, it's not ideal but it's not that bad.
Is it any different to letting your child have breakfast cereal that is sweetened? Top cereal in our house is chocolate mini weetabix...
It is very different doing it once a week rather than 4 days. If you are that concerned why don't you all leave together and she and dh can sit and read outside breakfast school for 10 mins.
I don't think its parenting method of the year but getting kids out in the morning before you go to work can be a pain especially if she's tired.
I don't mind mine having chocolate once a day so if she's having it at 7.30am that's it. I would also tell him that giving into tantrums tends to lead to more. I would prefer hot chocolate and say a banana as then at least there's some milk and fruit with it.
I must admit I do bribe my children to leave the house in the morning.
Dd(4) is fine, its younger Ds(2).
He has to go in his pushchair otherwise we would never get there in time.
So he gets bribed with something. Usually a biscuit. I struggle to fight with him as my health isn't brilliant and he can be bloody strong when he wants to be.
Then of course I can't give one a biscuit without the other
Is it you leaving first that causes the meltdown I wonder
I dont think its disgraceful but I dont think its ideal and you should be looking at ways to improve the system of how it works
A little bit of chocolate is not going to do any harm. As long as she is not going through packs of it through the week, I would let it go. It's not like she is given chocolate in bed, that would be terrible for her teeth
5 years ago I started college on a Thursday night so it was the only evening dh had to get dinner. He started bringing them to the chipper. 5 years later and Thursday is still chipper night. There would be a mutiny in the house if an alternative was suggested now.
Meh as long as She is getting to school happy and in one piece I couldn’t get worked up unles it was a massive amount
If it is 4 chocolate buttons, I wouldn't worry, tbh. Dark choc - even less worry.
As long as it doesn't spread to absolutely everything else.
I would be rolling my eyes at his lack of parenting dexterity rather than thinking it 'fucking disgraceful'.
Chocolate is chocolate, and bribery bribery, whatever time of day.
I'd say they should be leaving 10 minutes early so you all leave at the same time, at least until the chocolate bribe is forgotten about!
Is he her dad?
I think you finding it 'fucking disgraceful' is very unreasonable. Slightly annoyed? Yeah.
Well I've never felt comfortable about my DC having chocolate advent calendars but it's a thing now, so we go with the flow, early morning small amount of choc, so what?
If she was drinking hot chocolate for breakfast, or having toast with Nutella, or a pain au chocolat, would that be bad too?
How much chocolate? A chocolate button fine, but more not so much. Either way, your dh is making things hard for the future, IMHO.
What else is he going to need to bribe her with in future to do things?
"...they leave about 10 minutes after I go to work." It's simple really, you all leave together and he waits outside the gate for 10 mins in the cold, or takes her in early or he learns to motivate her without sugar.
If she was drinking hot chocolate for breakfast, or having toast with Nutella, or a pain au chocolat, would that be bad too?
I hope not, because it's standard breakfast in my house
You're overreacting. Can see why you would be slightly annoyed, but don't get worked up over it. I'm guilty of doing it myself now and again, pick my own battles and all that.
I think it depends on the amount. Family size bar of dairy milk no...1 or 2 chocolate buttons wouldn't be a huge issue for me.
What difference does it make if it's 7.30am or 7.30pm?
Clearly YANBU. If he keeps this up she may even turn into a bar of chocolate
If it’s a square of chocolate fine but if we are talking a whole massive bar of Dairy Milk then no.
However DH is making a rod for his own back. Your DD will know you won’t give it but for him she knows she just has to act up a bit to get the chocolate. Leave him to it and tell him not to complain to you when he doesn’t want to give her chocolate for every demand.
Well ofc she's gonna throw a fit with Dad if she knows he'll give her chocolate. How does he not realise she's manipulating him? He's being outsmarted by a 6 year old. 😂
As long as breakfast has been eaten and the child has been well-behaved in terms of getting dressed, ready and shoes on, I wouldn’t really be that bothered about a couple of chocolate buttons. I would not be happy with anything more than a little biscuit though. A mars bar, I’d be livid.
Assuming he is physically fit why on earth doesn't he just pick her up? That's what I would do.
I do wonder if some parents now think ANY physical intervention is unacceptable - it's really not.
The idea of being stymied by a 6 year old is ridiculous!
DS 2.5 gets a couple of smarties to get him out of the house in the morning. It just doesn’t happen otherwise
Sorry at 2.5 you DEFINITELY can pick him up and carry him out unless you are disabled.
Using food for reward/punishment is not healthy.
Guess no point in her morning teeth clean four times a week then 😂
tell him fine but from now on, he does the dentist trips, so if there's a problem then the telling off can go to the person responsible.
Pity really, yes she probably already has her permanent teeth or soon will, starting almost every day with them sugared up is... not great.
At the moment it is a chocolate coin or chocolate football left over from Christmas, when that isn't available I think he gives her half a kit kat chunky.
He has definitely made a rod for his own back because I think she expects it & kicks off if she doesn't get it.
I have a bit of flexibility with what time I leave so I think I'll just hang on for 10 mins and leave at the same time.
She is a human child, not a puppy. Chocolate is not toxic, she will be fine. Oh, and she is his kid too, he gets equal say in her education...
It's not the time or the fact that it's chocolate that would annoy me. I don't think that food, particularly sweets, should be used as a reward. I'd also be a bit unimpressed with resorting to bribery, because I'd want to avoid that too.
You need to agree what you both agree and disagree with, and then both stick to it for the sake of consistency.
Dragging her out the house in her pajamas would fix it once and for all.
I can't get annoyed if it's a small chocolate of biscuit or whatever.
What a lot of upset about a mouthful of chocolate!
If I was him I would be annoyed if you had so little faith in my parenting you felt the need to start hanging around tbh!
If she's tired, that's not sorted by giving her chocolate. She needs to go to bed earlier.
If it's not tiredness, just grumpiness, she needs to learn to do what's needed without being bribed. Chocolate every day is not okay as a bribe for anything, let alone at that time in the morning.
It's not about the amount of the chocolate, it's about associating food with reward, and bribery with obedience. Those aren't lessons I'd want a child to pick up, especially not at such a young age.
You never can tell what way threads like this are going to go on MN can you?
One day it's all "oh I'm relaxed about that". On another day it's "chocolate is the devil's work and my kids never have anything sweeter than a mung bean"
FWIW I wouldn't be too impressed either. Mainly because of her teeth
Meh, what an over-reaction. Yes I am sure he could manhandle her in the car, he could deal with a screaming fit, but they got into a little routine where she has a bit of chocolate and everybody is happy.
I can't see the big deal. It's not like breakfast clubs, snacks, lunch, afternoon snacks and tea are that healthy, even fruits are bad for your teeth, or that school do make kids wait at least 30mn to brush their teeth after every meal.
Both parent have equal say in here, there's no valid reason why the DH should just do as he is told. He's a parent too.
"it's about associating food with reward, and bribery with obedience." Exactly - that's what makes it poor parenting.
Very occasional bribery/corruption in an emergency is one thing 4 times a week every week is ridiculous she is learning he has no authority - how Is that going to work pre-teen onward?
I ate a small kit kat every morning when I was a child because there was nobody around to give me any breakfast. I bought it on the way to school. From around age 8. Don't think there were any ill-effects, I got a proper school dinner.
I wouldn't be worried about a chocolate football 4 days a week.
If she's going to breakfast club she's presumably had no breakfast yet. Maybe she's hungry? I'd give her a breakfast biscuit.
Some people think coco pops, Frosties and pop tarts etc are appropriate breakfast foods for small children. Personally I’m a bit at the idea of giving one of my kids a kitkat at 7:30am but that’s just me.
Each to their own, but it’s the tantrums and him giving in that’s the problem I think. He’s showing her that by kicking off she will get her own way.
I think you need to sit down together and talk through it between the pair of you to come up with a solution that suits you both. Be it that whatever chocolate he gives her is the only chocolate she gets for the day, or whatever. But you both need to be in agreement.
My kids have treats, of course they do, they love chocolates etc but not at 7:30! It sets them up for a sugar crash when they get To school!!
Chocolate coin isn't going to do much!!
What I've done with one of my kids is everyone has pudding apart from the one that scammed extra sweets from granny before dinner, he's not allowed.... then it becomes a if I have this does this mean I won't have xyz later?
But if tables were turned and DH told me off for treating my own kids in a tiny way like a chocolate coin I would be so pissed off
There's always we can leave the house nicely or we can have a slap; that was how my mother thought. Being sent to be 45 minutes earlier woukd help with the tiredness.
If a wholesome breakfast is eaten and dressing/school bag prep goes well, a Hershey kiss is reasonable. Children need a little sugar. A cavity or two is not child abuse! What is this obsession with teeth?
Not the best thing in the entire world but a small square of chocolate or similar isn't the worst thing in the world.
Yes it's not what form the bribe takes, it's the fact he's clearly unable to manage a 6 year old
Personally I’m a bit shock at the idea of giving one of my kids a kitkat at 7:30am but that’s just me
but would you give the kitkat later in the day? If you do not allow chocolate and sugar at all, then fair enough, if it's just about the timing, then I don't understand.
The children of parents who are militant or sugar stuff themselves at parties, other houses, or buy it with pocket money. Ite media via, or everything should be had in moderation.
Yeah I do kind of think you have overreacted then if its just a chocolate coin
I think leaving at the same time is the best way forward - my suspicion is that its that which causes the need for chocolate (and why its not an issue on the day you are there)
Seriously? I chocolate coin won't kill her and if it makes life easier in the morning, then so be it.
There'll come a day, when your DD reaches secondary school, that she'll be consuming fizzy drinks, crisps and bags of sweets on the way to school. You'll look back and realise what a fuss about nothing this was.
Actually I suspect it's more a case of the dd knows they wouldn't get away with having a tantrum with mum but have learned dad's a soft touch. That's a worrying situation all round. Not just in terms of discipline but it sets mum up to be "the bad guy".
The fact it's chocolate doesn't bother me whatsoever. Won't kill her. The issue I would have - and this would be what caused ructions between me & OH - is the fact that she is being rewarded for kicking off. She has to leave the house, no choice on that. Her choice is do it calmly as she does with you, or do it kicking & screaming; she is being rewarded for refusing to do something without a fuss.
Are you insecure about the relationship he has or is building with your daughter?
Personally I’m a bit shock at the idea of giving one of my kids a kitkat at 7:30am but that’s just me
It was me that brought up the kit-kat. Nobody gave it to me, I bought it myself on the way to school. There was nobody up at home to give me breakfast. I could have made myself toast, or had cereal but I preferred to buy a kit-kat. Which 8 year old wouldn't? (ok there are maybe some - not me though!)
Snack you weren't the only person to mention Kitkats (anyone getting hungry? )
Graphista gets a gold star, you have summed it up lerfectly. I'm always the disciplinarian, bad guy, one who says no whereas DH is the fun one who takes her to McDonalds.
mustbemad also spot on, she knows that with him if she has a paddy she gets her way.
I think it is that which bothers me most but I also don't like the idea of using sweets/chocolAte etc as a reward (she gets a magazine from me for a treat) and I don't want DD to get in the habit of having chocolate every day.
Snack you weren't the only person to mention Kitkats
Oh! I did notice someone else did but I didn't think it was in relation to parents giving kids them for breakfast. And it followed hot on my post. At least I thought it did.
I don't even like kit kats now.
Yep thought so. That's not on him getting to be the "fun nice" parent and you the "bad guy" all the time. That's poisoning your relationship with your dd. Definitely requires a serious discussion.
"I don't even like kit kats now." Haha did you eat yourself sick of them? I did that with mars bars
The fun parent (Dad) less fun (Mum) I'd agree is more of an issue. It does rather smack of a degree of spinelessness from your DH.
I used to bribe my DD with either raisins or when she got smarter, chocolate buttons to get in the car seat. But, there wasn't really a big problem if the bribe wasn't forthcoming. No meltdown. It became more like a bit of a game between us.
Haha did you eat yourself sick of them?
Yup. Those and tinned mandarin oranges.
I don't have children yet (also my due date is approaching soon), so please take this with a grain of salt:
1. I think giving a 6 year old chocolate 4 days a week at 7.30am is fucking disgraceful but is he right that as I'm not there it isn't up to me?
That's imo obviously wrong. I'm not even sure how someone could come up with this!
2. The idea that he can't just carry a 2,5 yo out of the house seems a bit strange as well. Does he have back issues?
3. I'm not sure whether bribing children with food - especially for a regular activity - is a good idea, tbh.
4. I can see how you being the "bad" parent and he being the fun one is a really aweful position to be in.
Could you try to not participate in this / refuse to stay in your assigned role? Have you tried talking to your DH about this? If yes and it continues... maybe couple / family therapy?
Your DH is your DD's parent too. You don't get to decide what happens when he is looking after her. It's only a chocolate coin so a very small piece of chocolate. I think you are over reacting.
However if it really bothers you that much your should sit down with him and discuss it
I would hardly see a chocolate football as a route to evil, or a half of a kit Kat crunchy.
Keep your battles for battles worth fighting. YABU
It’s a small amount of chocolate, it’s neither here nor there. However, she’s 6, ask him what he’s going to bribe her with when she’s 16. It’s the bribery that’s the issue, not the chocolate. He’s being lazy, tell him to think of her, not himself.
I can see why you are annoyed at good cop/bad cop, but meh, I have a bag of Percy pigs in my glovebox formprecisely this reason as my 3 year old is like painnof death to get out the house in morning. I’ve long since learnt to keep treat on car and he gets at destination not start.
So three mornings a week he has a Percy at 8am and we both have a cuddle with no tears. There are worse things....
Having very young type 1 diabetics in the family I am perhaps more sensitive to witnessing the physical effect sugar has on you, as in the mood changes, sugar highs and then lows. Even non diabetics will go through this. It’s the similar theory to the post carb crash after lunch.
As I said, you do what you want with your kids, but yes, I wouldn’t be making a habit of giving my (school aged kids) a kitkat essentially for breakfast.
That’s my choice, you can make yours! I hardly think I’m alone in my shock at giving a kitkat at 7:30 - i don’t think it’s the norm, but I don’t really care how other people feed their kids. I’m only responsible for the health of my own. *shrug
Might she be getting 'hangry' ? Is there any way to feed her something else earlier? My daughter has complete morning meltdowns if we don't get some food into her first thing. If not I don't really see the issue with a small piece of chocolate. How many adults will be clutching a tea/coffee - similar effect.
She always has something to eat between getting up & leaving for school, usually a yoghurt & banana so she can't really be that hungry.
We had a chat about it last night & his reasoning is she usually asks when they are rushing out of the house & he starts to 'spiral' so gives in to prevent further delay/tears/drama.
We've decided we'll all leave at the same time for a few days to see if that helps.
To the PP who've said it's lazy parenting I think I agree, and it does worry me what she'll try on him when she's older
" Children need a little sugar. A cavity or two is not child abuse! What is this obsession with teeth?"
YANBU, OP. I’m quite shocked at most of the responses saying it’s okay. No wonder so many kids and adults are addicted to sugar or are obese so early on. Wow.
No, giving a bit of chocolate is not going to make anyone obese. You should look at the diet over a full day, and an entire week. Bad diet is terrible for everybody, but being unreasonable and banning one type of food has never been recommended.
If you feed your kids porridge,toasts for snacks, sandwich for lunch, biscuits for afternoon snacks, crisps and potatoes for diner, you are not doing them any favour. It's about healthy balance and portion size. A piece of chocolate in the morning is not the issue. It's not like the child is surviving on chocolate, plastic cheese, pots of sugar called "kids yogurts".
I'm also surprised by the number of people saying 'whatever makes it easier'. This does not make it easier! A six-year old will be going to school 5 days a week for the next 12 years, it's a completely routine thing to do and she needs to get used to it. If you start giving out bribes for that, what will you have left in reserve for the actual inconveniences of life (when you really need the bribes)?
If it’s only 10 mins I’d all leave together and they can sit outside breakfast club practicing reading for 10 mins
Doesn’t anyone think that kind of empty sugar before school is a bad idea? She’ll end up having a sugar crash by time lessons start (yes, half a kit kat chunky).
I seriously don’t understand this ‘meh’ attitude to eating chocolate at 7:30. It’s a habit you really wouldn’t want to encourage. And to the poster who said a few cavities are fine. Seriously?
It’s not just because it’s chocolate though - what happens when DD won’t do X, Y and Z with her father? Will he just give her some food then, too?
I seriously don’t understand this ‘meh’ attitude to eating chocolate at 7:30.
Because it doesn't matter. Kids in countries with a relax attitude towards a bit of chocolate BUT reasonable size portions, a very healthy diet and very limited snacks during the day, if any, are doing fine, and the rates of obesity seem to be a hell of a lot lower. Its not a bit of chocolate you should look at, it's the terribly unhealthy meals, the school diners, the snacks, the junk food.
When a kid has grilled meat and veg for lunch, soup and salad for dinner, the bit of chocolate they have for breakfast is not doing any harm. Look at the diet as a whole, our British one is horrendous in term of portion sizes, lack of fresh fruits and veg, and healthy food in general.
As someone who uses biscuits to bribe a grumpy DD out if bed, dressed and into car for 7.30 without any upset, I cannot comment.
I have seen parents fretting about chocolate in the morning, but who are quite happy to give a packed lunch 5 days a week with sandwiches and crisps, but think it's healthy because there's a pot of sugar-packed kid yogurt and 2 or 3 grapes.
Sweet breakfasts are different to chocolate later as you brush teeth after breakfast.I think your DH needs to work out a better strategy,bribes are for keeping for when you really need them.
Tarralesha I would think someone who feeds their children chocolate in the morning for an easier life will be taking the same approach whenever something is hard to make life easier.
Wonder if DH realises that the value of the bribe will have to increase as DD gets older...
I disagree. I am guilt free with a little bit of chocolate for my kids because they have a healthy diet
despite their school dinners. We don't even have squash in the house.
We cannot judge someone's parenting based on a tiny snapshot, a bit of chocolate in the morning. Sometimes you bribe your kids for an easy life, yours and them, so what. Other parents let theirs watch tv in the morning, does it really matter?
Sweet breakfasts are different to chocolate later as you brush teeth after breakfast.I think your DH needs to work out a better strategy,bribes are for keeping for when you really need them
But sweet breakfasts also tend to contain much more sugar than a small piece of chocolate.
Tarraleaha But a bribe is only effective for so long - if it’s happening 4 times a week every week then we’re ventured into the realms of habit, rather than bribe. So what would be needed as an effective bribe in the future?
Can't see a problem with a couple of chocolate buttons. Sometimes you do what it takes.
Wonder I think it is just a habit now because we all left at the same time today with no hassle.
She did try to get me to leave early but I was the last one out & she was happy to get in the car & go.
YANBU. a 6 year old doesnt need chocolate every day especially as a bribe to leave the house! I'm pretty shocked he can't leave the house with her without a meltdown, but then if he bribes her with chocolate every time she doesnt want to do what he asks he is going to have major issues. as will you unfortunately as he doesnt seem to be on your side here. Its a bit weird to be honest.
Everyone ‘does what it takes’ now and then, of course we do, but this is becoming routine and causing issues if it doesn’t happen. I wouldn’t like this either.
op you will look back on this one day and think ‘ I wish it was a simple as giving her a chocolate button still’
Is it ideal ? No is it worth becoming the arse ache of the parent ? No.
People are so judgmental. I have done things with my kids when they were little, can't even remember what, to make sure the older ones were on time in the morning. Then it's the summer break, you stop the habit and you start another routine.
Who would be happy if their husband was telling them what to do, or what not to do, when they are left alone with their kids? I would not tolerate that, sorry. You don't always agree, you discuss and compromise, but you don't tell the other parent what to do.
he says I'm not there so it isn't up to me.
I'd be pretty cross if my DH was giving my kids half a kitkat chunky at 7.30am.
They have chocolate/sweets only occasionally, apart from when they are given it for Christmas and Easter.
All that sugar sitting on teeth is not going to do her teeth any favours, bribing her every day is not going to do her behaviour any favours and ultimately it's the kind of thing that can create an unhealthy relationship with food.
tarraleaha a kitkat chunky IS junkfood!!
I am not so bothered by my kids having a square of good quality dark choc, but kitkat chunky is just sugary fatty junk!
She's 6. So Year 2? Why is she having a meltdown every morning?
I'd be pretty cross if my DH was giving my kids half a kitkat chunky at 7.30am
You sound a bit of a controller! Why do you refer to them as 'my kids' not 'his kids' or 'our kids'?
snack the OP DH gives half a kit Kay chunky if there’s no chocolate coins/footballs, so it’s definitely not just you!
All through December DD started her day with her advent calendar chocolate.. it’s probably not ideal nutrition but I wouldn’t be too phased in those quantities (though the kit kat chunky is a bit much)
I wouldn’t personally do it because he’s set himself a precedent now. I wouldn’t overly control my DH parenting though, DD is frankly easier with me because I have routines and stick to them (eg only one bedtime story where DH will read as many as she likes til she’s over tired and cries!)
I think giving a 6 year old chocolate 4 days a week at 7.30am is fucking disgraceful
I'm not sure really what your problem is.
Is chocolate disgraceful, end of
or is it only disgraceful on 4 days but not 3?
or just disgraceful at 7.30am but not 4pm?
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