To want to move because I hate it here?(113 Posts)
A bit of backstory:
I am Canadian and moved here after University to be with my then-BF (now-DH). He is British. My family are all in Canada and his are all in the UK. I am extremely close to my family and ideally would live in Canada, but due to family disabilities on DH's side, this isn't really an option. We chose the UK because he was still doing his Masters and PhD at a very good British University. I have been here nearly 4 years now.
DH's PhD funding runs out in September at which point he will have to work while finishing up his thesis. This is where I think we should be making a move to somewhere that I find has a great culture and a booming industry in DH's field. I thought DH was on board, but now he wants to go somewhere an hour from where we currently are.
The thing is, I hate where we live. I don't like the culture or the politics. I feel like I don't fit in. All over England I am hearing awful things said about immigrants and it's hard not to take it to heart. We have a handful of friends who don't live near enough to see often, and I am worried that it is going to be the same situation in the place DH wants. He's got his eye on a posh place because of a particular company. I am not a posh person and don't do cocktails or fancy dinners, and I can just see myself being lonely and uncomfortable. I simply don't want to be in England anymore. I don't feel welcome.
DH says I'm not open to anywhere except the place I have been on about (which is true, in a way). The city (not in England, but within a 45 minute flight) feels like home. And being so far from family, I think that's what I need - somewhere that I know I fit in and can make friends and fit into the culture.
AIBU to want this? Or am I being close-minded in thinking that I will never feel happy in this country? It's a major sticking point in our marriage right now.
Sorry in advance if there are any spelling mistakes, my phone is weird about typing.
Where is the other city?
It’s difficult but given the choice would you be with him or without him?
Is he open to maybe moving to Canada with you at a future date?
IT doesn't sound like either of you are being unreasonable. Both of you want something that is a normal thing to want. You've slightly changed your mind about where you want to live, but for good reasons.
Will it help discussions if you start from the idea that you're both being logical? IS there a compromise that each of you could offer?
He wants somewhere because of a great job, but will he get that job? Is there a city in the UK that's more diverse and where you might feel better?
Basically - you can't both have what you want, but what are the possible solutions? Try not to think of it as his idea v your idea. That just causes arguments.
Is the other country France?
Regardless of where it is, does your dh speak the language?
Has he ever said he would consider moving to Canada? Obviously if there were no family issues for him.
It's a tough one. There has to be some compromise.
The other city is Dublin. DH and I have been there and both loved it - DH agreed that it would be a great place for us to live and we made a few friends quite quickly over the week or so we were there. That's why I thought he was on board.
I haven't found a city in the UK that gives me the same feeling of comfort and excitement. And after seeing a fair few places in England throughout travels and visiting family, I sadly see it as a very isolating and judgemental place.
Canada is not an option in the foreseeable future. We need to be close enough in case of emergencies and to visit every few months.
You said about family disabilities. Has this changed or is it still a consideration.
Could you have 2 places . You live in the city you want and dh lives in the city he wants during the week and commutes back at weekends.
Or if it is only 45 minutes away could he do a daily commute.
Is it the actual area you are in.
I have lived all over the UK but only truly feel at home in London. Some areas I counted the days down till I could leave
I moved from London to Devon. Exeter is a brilliant city that I would say could compare quite favourably to Dublin in many ways.
Could he get a job in Dublin - they are hard to find and cost of living is high
Dublin is fab! But I'm biased as that's where I'm from.
I would never consider London, as a past incident happened there and any time I return, it triggers a ton of anxiety. The other areas of England that I have been in (for more than just a weekend) all seem similar to where we currently live, which I do not want.
I actually was counting the days until DH said he didn't think Dublin would happen. Now I'm dreading the thought of where my life is going.
The disability situation hasn't changed.
DH works in technology, so Dublin would have jobs a plenty for him. He is very good in his field and is specialised.
There has to be some compromise on his part : sounds like you're sacrificing an awful lot for him.
What do you actually get out of being in the UK?
I'm American and my husband is British, we spent a lot of time, effort, and money to bring me here.
I've never taken the negativity about immigrants personally because tbh it all seems aimed at Europeans and people from 3rd world countries. Maybe it's different for Canadians? Although I always thought you all were better liked abroad then us Americans?
Just makes me wonder if that part is all in your head and once the seed was planted you've let it grow and isolate you from the society around you.
The best advice I read after moving here was to find out what's different from your home country that you like better about the new country you've moved to and try to focus on those positives and add to the list.
Despite you having moved here 4 years ago it doesn't really sound like you've tried embracing and enjoying the country much but rather just focus on what you dislike about it.
Although I do think at times that it's hard for my husband to understand the areas where I struggle living in a foreign country because he's never had to do it, your husband probably can't either. It's just hard to put yourself in someone else's shoes sometimes.
At the moment, I get my husband. He is amazingly smart, sweet, funny, and really is the most important person in my life.
But that's it. And if he gets a great job and does long hours doing what he loves, it leaves me on my own in a place that I hate just waiting for him to come home. It's not enough for me, and certainly not how I want to live.
Waiting for him to come home isn't enough, no, it's not.
Someone has to compromise more than the other. My DH is Aussie and we spent a good few years tooing and froing trying to work it all out. In the end we chose Oz because on balance, we had more opportunities here.
You and DH need to sit and write all the pros and cons of each option.
We don't have kids. Hopefully in a few years. I do work, but I couldn't find anything in my preferred job (or even my second choice), so I've been working elsewhere to get by. I am still always job hunting, but my field is very small and "homegrown", if that makes any sense.
Because of this, work is just something I do because I have to, much like most people.
Why don't you work?
prepare for a shock if you move to Dublin btw. You both will need to be earning fabulous money to afford even a Wendy house there.
it is outrageously expensive. its not the safest city either.
Why would you be waiting for him at home? MN is full of people who would love to be able to get out in the evenings and feel tied.You might be happier joining societies or doing another qualification. There's usually plenty going on around universities,
Have you considered Cardiff? Very metropolitan and good jobs in IT available. Welsh language not a barrier as it would be in North Wales? It has an airport for getting back to your dh's family quickly
You intermix British and English, not sure if you mean to.
Have you tried Scotland (since many parts of Canada have strong Scottish links, there may be some communality in thinking/scenery you could be comfortable with.
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