AIBU to tell DH how to behave with DD

[toomuchtimereadingthreads2016]

Feel guilty even writing this, but I’m at my wits end and need advice whether to push the issue or try to let it go…

DH and I have DD1 3 and DD2 6m. DH is very much the fun parent, likes joking and playing with the girls, which is fine as I’m more the calm, reading stories, crafting type whereas he will take DD1 swimming, out on her bike for “adventures” etc. Also, like most Dads I guess, he loooooves to aggravate them. Especially DD1.

That’s the first “issue” I wanted advice on. It drives me mad when he aggravates her constantly. Small examples are tickling, forcing bear hugs or tipping her upside down, squishing her cheeks, and shadowing her around… If she shows him something she’s made for instance he will straight away say something like “oh this is for me! (snatch)” or “oooh I love blue! (its yellow)” “Mmm food, I’m going to eat it! (pretend eating, and her screaming no!)”. She can take this if she’s in the mood, but today at 6.15 neither of us were in the mood TBH! She whinged at him to leave her alone and he just finds her little whingey protest voice funny and kept on.

The second “issue” is that ever since DD1 was born he has spoken to them both in a jokey daft, mock childish voice… think somewhere between Mickey mouse and Beaker from the Muppets… My three problems with this are its fucking annoying especially at daft o’clock, it’s not helping her to learn proper speech, and now she is older, she wants to have nice conversations with us like telling us about her day or friends like a big girl, but he won’t give her that interaction cos he’s pissing around in a daft voice.

I have approached it very gently with him, saying I know I can’t tell him what to do or how to interact with his daughters but that this was perhaps something he might want to change now DD1 is getting older and wants a different, more grown up interaction with us. When DD1 gets stressed out with him, it puts her in a bad mood and gets her day off on the wrong foot, which he can’t see cos he leaves for work.

He says I’m BU, that he is doing nothing wrong, that it’s me who doesn’t like it, not DD1 and that by showing my irritation I’m teaching her to find him annoying cos she mirrors me. DD2 isn’t an issue cos she loves it and can’t talk etc anyway.

AIBU to tell him to bloody pack it in? I really don’t want to make it into a problem when he is a great, involved, caring, loving dad… but if I keep biting my tongue I’m afraid one day I might blow up at him….

[Deshasafraisy]

Hmmmmm tricky. You find his parenting technique irritating but I am not sure you can say anything about it. How would you feel if he criticised yours? I too would find it annoying but he isn’t abusing it neglecting her, just acting like a twat. If you criticise him it could cause resentment.

[Handsfull13]

Could you ask him to just not do it before he goes to work. Even being honest and asking would he try it for a week and see how it goes. Then at the end of the week say it makes your mornings so much easier so could he only do it when he is home to deal with the backlash.

[Eatalot]

He sounds like a hoot.

[NewYearNiki]

That’s the first “issue” I wanted advice on. It drives me mad when he aggravates her constantly. Small examples are tickling, forcing bear hugs or tipping her upside down, squishing her cheeks, and shadowing her around… If she shows him something she’s made for instance he will straight away say something like “oh this is for me! (snatch)” or “oooh I love blue! (its yellow)” “Mmm food, I’m going to eat it! (pretend eating, and her screaming no!)”. She can take this if she’s in the mood, but today at 6.15 neither of us were in the mood TBH! She whinged at him to leave her alone and he just finds her little whingey protest voice funny and kept on.

He's a twat. How is he ever going to teach her to play nice if he doesnt with her.

Quite frankly Id do most if it back to him if I could.

[fourandnomore]

I think Handsfull has it exactly right, even if it was just annoying you and not your dd surely he could do this for you. It's really unattractive when someone insists on behaving in an annoying way and if it continues it will change your relationship so maybe point that out to him.

[RingFence]

I think it's up to him how he interacts with his children. Humour is a good way to lighten the mood and I'd rather a parent be too jokey than too strict. How would you like it if he criticised the way you speak to and play with your children?

By all means give him some guidance or suggest a different approach if they're getting upset, but don't try to crush him.

[fourandnomore]

Oh and if your daughter is asking him to stop and saying no he is really disrespecting her boundaries, especially with any physical play, it's not a great example to set her. He needs to understand that in terms of her development so yanbu to ask him to stop.

[LannieDuck]

Maybe point out he's teaching her it's funny to snatch other children's toys etc. This won't make her very popular when she gets to school...

[Serialweightwatcher]

Tell him the staff at nursery won't talk to her in silly voices and the odd time is okay when playing silly games but definitely tell him to pack it in if it's constant. He obviously sounds like a great dad and wants to do lots with them and maybe doesn't quite know how to be .. could he ever take her to a playgroup or such like where he can see how other parents talk to theirs?

[GeekyBlinders]

God, my DP is like this with DS. DS likes it sometimes - being chased, Daddy being a monster, having tickles etc. But sometimes DP just goes too far and I can see that DS wants him to stop (or DS says, "No Daddy, let me go!". I do tell DP to pack it in because I think it's important that DS's boundaries are respected, but DP thinks that's a load of "psychobabble wank"

[SweetheartNeckline]

fourandnomore agree, that is serious. One of the most important things we can teach our children is self-respect and a cornerstone of this is body autonomy.

He sounds like a right knobhead (sorry!)

[Mummaly]

It would irritate the hell out of me too. Why can't he just be himself? That is all that is expected of him. Their relationship will not be healthy later on if your DD cant relate to her own dad.
I would say therapy, joint so that a third person can help him to see what his behaviour is causing, i.e resentment, annoyance etc. Maybe he has some issues himself that he needs to address. I personally have found since having a family, some pain from my past has come up and i am sitting in a therapy waiting room now waiting for my session to start. Get help, nip it in the bud. It is causing disharmony and unhappiness in the home and that is enough of a reason.

[FurryGiraffe]

My DF interacts in very much this style (though without the silly voice). DS1 (4.9) enjoys it a lot of the time, but if tired/grumpy etc he loathes it and finds it upsetting. DF is hopeless at gauging whether DS1 is 'in the mood' for jokey interaction or not. DM or I will often tell him to pack it in and he respects our judgment about how to handle DS1 and will stop.

I think humour and jokes can be the foundation of a lovely relationship but obviously not if you push it beyond what the child wants. If your DD is finding it annoying/unsettling, he needs to learn to respect that. And maybe it would be a good idea to encourage her to tell him directly to stop. I'm not saying the responsibility for stopping him should lie with her (it should lie with him) but it's never too early to learn how to express the boundaries of what she's comfortable with.

[Notonthestairs]

My Dh was like this.
He's grown out of it now (or our children have).

[SweetheartNeckline]

He obviously sounds like a great dad

Hmm, don't be so grateful that he wants to be involved with his kids that you overlook poor parenting.

Disrespecting boundaries, "aggravating" a preschooler for the LOLZ and refusing to interact meaningfully with a child does not a great dad make.

[upsideup]

Its sounds like he is going to have a great relationship with his children when they grow up he plays with them and jokes with them rather than just telling them off and feeding them.
YABU to tell him to change, he sounds like he adores his children and they are safe and happy.

[Mummaly]

Oh and forgot to say that forcing cuddles is teaching her its ok for people to do this whereas it is not. It sounds like his behaviour is meeting his own needs and bot the needs of the child. Sounds fun to some who may have boring OH's but the truth is, it is very damaging and you are right to feel this way. We don't need to call him names, he sounds like a good person, just needs a bit of waling up and realising what he is doing.

[Chaosofcalm]

The big issue for me would be the lack of consent. By not giving her the opportunity to say no to tickling or not listening when she says no he is teaching her that men can do whatever they want to women. I would speak to him about that.

[foxmuldersufo]

Not much of a father is he?

[LizzieSiddal]

If your daughter is asking him to stop and saying no he is really disrespecting her boundaries, especially with any physical play, it's not a great example to set her

This ^^

He needs to listen to his DD and respect what she’s telling him.

[LizzieSiddal]

Ignore last post!

[diddl]

" Also, like most Dads I guess, he loooooves to aggravate them."

No, don't get that at all-neither of us have deliberately aggravated our kids.

"Small examples are tickling, forcing bear hugs or tipping her upside down, squishing her cheeks, and shadowing her around…"

He sounds awful-why must she be subjected to what he wants to do to her if she doesn't want it? He sounds like a bully.

[NotReadyToMove]

It drives me mad when he aggravates her constantly. Small examples are tickling, forcing bear hugs or tipping her upside down, squishing her cheeks, and shadowing her around… […] She whinged at him to leave her alone and he just finds her little whingey protest voice funny and kept on.
That is an issue. One of the most important thing you should teach children is RESPECT. And what he is showing her is the exact opposite.
He is touching her (bear hugs etc etc) when she doesn’t want to. He is not taking NO for an answer (carries on when she asks him to stop) and then pile on emotional guilt (whingey voice).
He probably doesn’t realise this is what he is doing tbf and also probably think he is the fun dad who is spending a lot of quality time with his dcs.
What I have done with H in the past is the give my voice to the dc. So dc says they have enough, i would reinforce it to H by reminding him ‘dc Just said he wants you to stop’. The repeating means he can’t syas I’m just spoiling the fun butme saying it means he can’t ignore it iyswim.
And if he does, I do remind him (as he told you anyway) that children learn by copying and he might not want her to copy him in ignoring him....

[NewYearNiki]

I found alot of boyfriends to be like this.

One used to be all up in my face, radio on in the kitchen, song comes on that he likes, drags me off my feet and pulls me around the kitchen and dances me round, forcing kisses on me, pulls me about all the time, tickles, etc.

I often felt like screaming get your fucking hands off me.

It drives you mad in the end.

[LizzieSiddal]

Sorry wrong thread.

Don’t ignore my post!