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AIBU to think this is simply a life lesson for DD

(106 Posts)
lalalalyra Tue 06-Feb-18 20:20:13

Twin DDs are almost 15. They are, for the most part, pretty inseperable. DD2 has some health issues that can be a bit restricting (this is relevant).

In October my nephew moved in. He and DS1 negotiated with the girls over bedroom space as the girls were about to move into the bigger room downstairs vacated by the au pair. Neither "needed" the bigger room hence we let them sort it amongst themselves.

The room is bigger, has a small single-ish size room off it (weird shape and no windows, girls planned to put wardrobes in there - boys have their x-box set up in there) and a nicer en-suite.

In exchange for getting the bigger room DS and DN have been collecting the girls from an activity they wanted to do once a week. It doesn't finish until 10pm so misses the last direct bus and I can't collect them as I have younger kids who are already in bed at that time.

Two of DD1's friends have started doing the activity as well. DD2's enjoyment of it has gone down. They don't leave her out, she's not being bullied, she just enjoys it less than if it was just her and DD1 so she's decided to stop going.

She's now got herself extremely upset tonight because DD1 won't change to a different activity. She can't go herself because she can't be out and about herself because of the health issues. I can't pick her up because of the younger kids and the boys can't pick her up as they'll be picking up DD1. DD1 can't get the bus because of timings, and DD2 can't get the bus alone because of health.

So tonight she decided to broach the boys about swapping rooms. Obviously they pointed out that they've been giving lifts since October, are happy to continue giving lifts and if she chooses not to go then that's not their fault.

She also got a bollocking from me because she told DH that DN was "mean and frightening" when she spoke to him about the rooms not realising that I was in the kitchen the entire time and heard the discussion word-for-word.

DH is feeling very sorry for her because if it was the other way round we'd most likely allow DD1 to get the bus home, but we simply can't with her. It's too dangerous. DH works away 1 night a week and it's that night. DH thinks we should give DD1 a set amount of weeks before she needs to give DD2 the chance for her activity. I totally disagree and think it's just a harsh lesson for DD2.

GlitterUnicornsAndAllThatJazz Tue 06-Feb-18 20:21:46

Nah. She needs to man up.

WishingOnABar Tue 06-Feb-18 20:25:06

If 3 out of the 4 are happy with the current set up, sadly your DD is outvoted.

Is there another parent at the other activity who might be able to help her home? Or could she do extra chores for taxi money?

I agree it is a life lesson for her but there would be no harm in helping her to work out a solution to the travel issue

Parkrunner25 Tue 06-Feb-18 20:25:31

Can DD2 do an activity on a night that DH is home/ available to pick her up?

buckeejit Tue 06-Feb-18 20:25:39

Tough luck. Can't get everything you want. Stay at home & read a book. Doesn't sound like she's short of entertainment/opportunities

OutyMcOutface Tue 06-Feb-18 20:27:45

I agree with your stance.

Just2MoreSeasons Tue 06-Feb-18 20:28:02

Could she does some extra jobs around the house to pay the money for a taxi?
I do feel a bit sorry for dd2 what with regard to her illness curtailing her fledgling wings- all the more obvious too when she has a twin.
Obviously the boys should keep the room though and she was bang out of order complaing about DN.

Just2MoreSeasons Tue 06-Feb-18 20:28:40

Ah, cross post

Butterymuffin Tue 06-Feb-18 20:28:53

Do both activities finish at the same time? So there's no way DS and DN could go separately, or pick up one then the other? Could one of DD1's friends travel home with her or could one of their parents drop her home?

Just trying to think of ideas. But in essence it is as you say: people can't do exactly what they want to all the time and that's the case for DD2 this time.

Birdsgottafly Tue 06-Feb-18 20:32:30

Is it the first time that she has found that her disability means that she cannot do what her Sister can? That's difficult.

The "harsh lesson" is that she has a health condition that will restrict her activities, so be kind to her and encourage the others to be to.

I don't know the solution, tbh, but DD1 shouldn't have to give up what she enjoys.

lalalalyra Tue 06-Feb-18 20:34:49

I should have said - they do other activities other nights. This is just one particularly thing they couldn't do before now because of logistics.

The new activity finishes at the same time about 15 minute drive away (one in one direction from the house and the other in the other). DS and DN share DS's car so can't pick them both up. They collect their girls on the way home from playing 5's.

She's tried to sort other options with lifts or other people which is why she got too the point of asking about room swapping again as she's getting "nothing" for the swap.

I'm just very aware that DH and I are on quite opposite ends of the scale - he makes too many allowances for her because of heath reasons and maybe I don't make enough (if she couldn't go to the original one because it was dangerous for her cataplexy or something I'd absolutely be more in her favour).

Plus I'm aware I'm absolutely fuming at her for how she described DN's attitude to her to DH. That was completely out of line.

I think she's just going to have to suck it up, unless another option for pick up comes up.

The only other option is insuring one of the boys on my car. I'll look into that as see just how expensive it would be.

lalalalyra Tue 06-Feb-18 20:37:54

It's not the first time her health has curtailed her doing something she wanted. If it was solely about her health I'd bend over backwards to fix it somehow.

It's more about her huffiness that DD1 has friends that she's not particularly keen on. She's used to being the social butterfly of the pair, despite her health she was always the more outgoing. It was always DD2, DD2's friends plus DD2's sister. Whereas DD1 now has friends from school who are in classes that DD2 isn't.

CapnHaddock Tue 06-Feb-18 20:39:20

I'm a bit confused. If DD1 can get the bus home without DD2 being there, then why can't she do that and your nephew pick up DD2?

nicknamehelp Tue 06-Feb-18 20:41:53

Could they do every other week?

At 15 dd will soon have to learn to cope with disabilities if she is to live independently.

lalalalyra Tue 06-Feb-18 20:48:22

I'm a bit confused. If DD1 can get the bus home without DD2 being there, then why can't she do that and your nephew pick up DD2?

They can't get a direct bus home from the original activity. It would involve DD1 getting a bus further away, then waiting 20 mins for the next bus and then getting that home.

There is a bus from the one DD2 wants to start. DD1 could probably have got the bus home if she was the one going to that, but DD2 can't because it wouldn't be safe for her to do so alone at that time of night.

nicknamehelp Even most adults with narcolepsy wouldn't do a solo bus trip at that time of night. She'd have to go to the bus stop and wait, then hope she got on the bus and then hope again that she got off the bus at the right time.

It's DD2 herself that has said that she can't possibly get the bus home herself. She's realistic in that respect. Solo trips out have to be really organised and as safe as possible or they just can't happen.

Gemini69 Tue 06-Feb-18 20:51:53

I just wanted to send hugs to your Nephew ... poor soul being targeted in such a nasty way because DD2 couldn't manipulate him.. very cruel flowers

LadyLapsang Tue 06-Feb-18 20:52:04

Could DD1 get a taxi and DD2 get collected?

Batmanwearspants Tue 06-Feb-18 20:58:20

I think you have the right attitude. She’s made the deicision to stop to activity she doesn’t now to go back in the deal she made.

lalalalyra Tue 06-Feb-18 20:58:20

I just wanted to send hugs to your Nephew ... poor soul being targeted in such a nasty way because DD2 couldn't manipulate him.. very cruel

I'm beyond livid with her for that. I couldn't even deal with it tonight. She's coming straight home from school tomorrow when we can deal with it properly. (If I'd dealt with it tonight I'd have ended up telling her no activities ever that involved her travelling with her scary cousin...).

I sound like my Nana, but I'm so disappointed with her.

ReanimatedSGB Tue 06-Feb-18 21:04:17

OK, she's been unkind but... She's 15. She has a health condition that is restricting her activities; she's dependent on other people and, right now, none of these people is willing to put themselves out for her. While that isn't particularly unreasonable of them, for her to be angry, upset and bad-tempered is not unreasonable either. Having an illness that stops you doing things is horrible anyway, but in your teens, coming to realise just how limiting it is, must be pretty fucking grim for the poor kid. Cut her a little slack here.

CapnHaddock Tue 06-Feb-18 21:09:01

Oh I see. Sorry for misunderstanding. You're totally justified then. Stand your ground.

Having said that, I'm with SGB on her behaviour. It does sound like typical 15 year old 'really pissed off with unfair things in her life' stuff. And yes, she's behaved very badly but teenagers are manipulative selfish buggers.

Allthewaves Tue 06-Feb-18 21:10:21

She's chosen not to do activity and now she's thrown toys out of the pram because everyone won't rearrange everything for her. I'd say tough. She's trying to manipulate your dh as she knows he's the soft touch.

He cannot force dd1 to change activities, she's not her sisters keeper - does he realise he will turn dd1 against dd2 if he does that.

Winebottle Tue 06-Feb-18 21:11:17

I agree a deal is a deal. I don't really see it as a harsh lesson. The only thing that has changed from a setup she was happy to agree to is that she has decided to stop going to an activity. What is so bad about that?

Mrsmadevans Tue 06-Feb-18 21:11:19

I know you feel bad for her but she is going to have to come to terms with this and move on. It is painful for her because she must feel betrayed and abandoned by her DS , not that she has been and it is not her DS fault. I think you need to boost your DD'S self esteem somehow my dear, Good luck !

Allthewaves Tue 06-Feb-18 21:11:59

And I was going to suggest insuring one of the boys on your car if they are still happy to pick dd2 up after her strop

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