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Another in-law one...

(444 Posts)
forfuxache Tue 06-Feb-18 15:52:35

Argh! I don't know if I'm being an UR shrew or if I'm justified in being annoyed.

It's DHs birthday today. He's at work. I went out this morning and bought all the ingredients for a lovely three course dinner of his favourite things.

We have a toddler (22 months) and I'm 9 weeks pregnant. So as you can imagine chances for a romantic evening are thin on the ground. However, I'm finally feeling not so exhausted and a bit more chipper and our toddler has been playing ball recently by going to bed promptly by seven. DH will be home for half seven so we'll start to eat by eight. So, my plan is to have dinner, chill out then have an, ahem, early night together - he'll love it.

Inlaws asked DH last weekend if they could come for a cuppa around 8pm on his birthday to give him his card and present. He asked me (as he guessed I might have plans) and I said it wouldn't work, but would he like to invite them for dinner at the weekend instead - I'll cook. Didn't think anymore of it.

Now I've had FIL texting me this afternoon saying DH has told them it's not going to work for them to come today but they only want to come for half an hour? Why can't they? I replied nicely, saying really sorry but I'm cooking a three course meal which we won't start until eight but did DH ask them about the weekend - if so what day suits, what do they fancy to eat etc.

Got a snotty reply back from MIL saying she doesn't understand why they can't just pop in quickly to give DH his card and present, they don't mind if we're eating!

Argh! I replied saying that I was planning a 'bit of a romantic evening' (big enough hint, no?) and she's still not happy. Says she's surprised as she thought we were having a romantic evening next week when they babysit while we go out for dinner. I should add I didn't ask them to babysit. MIL offered when I said I'd got a table at a restaurant we like, and DD will be in bed.

AIBU to be cross? I've been nice, I've I invites them another night and offered to cook for them. Short of saying 'well MIL I might fancy shagging DH on the sofa at some point - I've even shaved my legs y'know - so it's not really appropriate that you're here!! Also we're tired parents - once we've had our fun we'll no doubt want to be asleep by half ten!'

They have no boundaries I swear! I know DH is their son and they love him, but he's 35 years old! Surely they don't HAVE to see him on his actual birthday?!?

No real backstory here, except for MIL doesn't like being told no. Which she isn't very often. Except for the time she wanted to visit a week after DD was born (they day after I got out of hospital after a truly terrible birth and was really quite unwell still) and threw a massive tantrum when we said no, give us a day or two please. Other than that, they are fine.

Is it me??

AppleKatie Tue 06-Feb-18 15:58:20

Honestly? I think it’s a bit of a 6 of one, half a dozen of the other situation...

Some people would feel like you do, others would be delighted to spend an hour or so with family and shag later... I don’t think it’s a black/or white situation.

She is rude to keep pushing it when you’ve made your feelings clear though.

Trinity66 Tue 06-Feb-18 15:58:39

Not it's not you, how rude and inconsiderate and cheeky of them :/ I would just reply to that text with, "so what day would like to come round for dinner then? x"

bringbackfonzi Tue 06-Feb-18 16:01:46

Do you believe they would stay for just half an hour? In which case, they could come 7.30-8. That wouldn't stop you having a romantic dinner or sex. So YABU. If you thibk once they're there they'll be hard to get rid off, then YANBU.

user1471449040 Tue 06-Feb-18 16:01:51

I suspect she's a wee bit jealous.

Get your husband to deal with it - maybe he's to text them again? If they still come round, don't answer the door.

If I were you, I'd answer the MIL saying all commuincation through her son!

Good luck!

forfuxache Tue 06-Feb-18 16:04:17

They definitely would not stay just half an hour. An hour at the very least, probably longer. Which normally is fine, just not tonight!

MarmaladeIsMyJam Tue 06-Feb-18 16:04:56

Why can’t they come for half an hour when he gets in? Dinner on the table at eight, then they can bugger off.
I don’t think it’s unreasonsble to want to see your son on his birthday.

Midnightpony Tue 06-Feb-18 16:05:03

Disconnect the doorbell

MarmaladeIsMyJam Tue 06-Feb-18 16:05:46

Well at 8 just pop the starter on the table, and tell him dinner is ready. Will they just sit and stare at you eating?

BiddyPop Tue 06-Feb-18 16:05:59

Why not actually tell her that:
'well MIL I might fancy shagging DH on the sofa at some point - I've even shaved my legs y'know - so it's not really appropriate that you're here!! Also we're tired parents - once we've had our fun we'll no doubt want to be asleep by half ten!'

And reiterate that you are happy to cook dinner at the weekend.

In fact, maybe just ring DMIL and say that DH was supposed to say that no it didn't suit tonight, but you wanted to check that he had also made the offer you made instead, of cooking dinner at the weekend for them all?

MimiSunshine Tue 06-Feb-18 16:07:03

Hang on, their son text to say sorry not available on Tuesday but the weekend would be great so now they’re complaining to you?

Who are you, his manager?

I’d get your husband back on the case and ask him to reconfirm that he isn’t available tonight but he’d love to see them at the weekend.
And I’d just stop replying to the PIL

Lethaldrizzle Tue 06-Feb-18 16:07:34

I've had this as well but to be fair he is their son. Sharing is caring!

Wonderwoman98 Tue 06-Feb-18 16:08:08

If your mother in law is anything like mine, there is no such thing as popping round for half an hour. It always ends up being 1.5-2 hours!!
You are not being unreasonable. Enjoy your night😉

flumpybear Tue 06-Feb-18 16:08:17

Argh this irritates me too - I've spent almost every Christmas with my in laws over the last 20
Odd years. One fucking Christmas I want to spend with my brother (dead parents) and they get all fucking emotional and bring it up as a weapon years later, that we wouldn't let them just pop in for half an hour - they live over an hours drive away so can almost guarantee they'd have stayed much longer, brought their poxy hound with them that we all hate because it chews everything and chases our cats
So no I don't think you're being unreasonable I think they should get the hint

forfuxache Tue 06-Feb-18 16:08:46

I'd hoped @BiddyPop that by saying I was cooking a special dinner and was planning a evening that head get the hint! But maybe you're right.

'MIL, DH might want a blowie over the soufflé. Would you be ok to look away if that's the case?' grin

I am joking of course. No way do my culinary talents stretch to soufflé!

Bluelady Tue 06-Feb-18 16:09:11

Can't they pop in for a firmly stipulated 30 minutes while you're cooking?

MavisPike Tue 06-Feb-18 16:09:23

just say you'll see them at the weekend , then don't reply to anything they send

alfagirl73 Tue 06-Feb-18 16:09:29

YANBU. My partner and I rarely get proper romantic time together (due to our locations, work, business commitments - it's just how it is) - so when we have planned for quality time together, bit of romance etc... and are really looking forward to it, it means a lot to us both.

If someone else was in that position and made it clear they had a nice romantic evening planned, the last thing I'd want to do or feel comfortable doing is to turn up and kill the mood - even if it was for half an hour!

You have invited them to a lovely meal etc... that is a perfectly reasonable and nice thing to do.

Stay firm on it and enjoy your evening! :-)

Tarraleaha Tue 06-Feb-18 16:09:45

You are not BU at all.

It was fine for MIL to suggest seeing her son once. Asking a second time is pushing it already, and you have been very kind to suggest alternative dates and inviting them over.

They don't need to see your husband tonight, they are being ridiculous. It's not just you, it's them and I think you are totally right to make sure they are not "Popping in" in the middle of your romantic diner.

ruleshelpcontrolthefun Tue 06-Feb-18 16:09:46

I think YABU tbh. He is their child and it would be nice for them to see their child on his birthday. Would you like to see your DC on their birthday?

Nquartz Tue 06-Feb-18 16:10:56

MIL always seems hellbent on seeing DH on his birthday which I do not understand. I think she is being really rude to keep pushing, it won't kill her to wait until the weekend to give him his card and present.

If you think you putting dinner on the table would get them to leave then I'd let them come round at 7.30pm, but on the other hand if you give in over this does it start a pattern of her badgering you until you give in every time you say no to something.

So actually in conclusion, you've said no and she should respect that. Tell her to speak to DH, if he has any sense he'll know he's on a promise and reiterate they can come over at the weekend.

BewareOfDragons Tue 06-Feb-18 16:11:31

"We have said no. We'll see you at the weekend."

Don't respond to any further messages.

You don't owe them an explanation. Stop giving them one.

forfuxache Tue 06-Feb-18 16:11:47

I would like to see my DD on her birthday @ruleshelpcontrolthefun. However, if she was 35 years old and she or her partner told me they had other plans I would arrange to see her another day without a fuss!

DingDongDenny Tue 06-Feb-18 16:12:46

Says she's surprised as she thought we were having a romantic evening next week when they babysit while we go out for dinner.

Just say 'well MIL I'm not planning on shagging DH in the restaurant - tonight however...'

DayKay Tue 06-Feb-18 16:13:44

seems so silly - battling over who sees him on his birthday.

The asked dh. If he wanted to see them, he could have said yes. He didn’t. He said see you at the weekend. Why do they have to bring you into it?

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