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Accidental Emotional Affair?

(114 Posts)
PureLife4 Tue 06-Feb-18 09:58:03

This is going to sound a bit barmy. I posted an add on Gumtree a few months back advertising an item connected to my hobby for sale. I was contacted through the app thing by someone to say they had this particular item but did I have any other variations for sale. I responded to say I didn't have anything else at the minute but would probably have finished with something similar in a couple of months so I would bare them in mind.

They replied to say something along the lines of its unusual to find a female who is interested in this kind of thing and that he is usually left chatting to other men about it and that his wife hates his hobby but he's trying to encourage his daughter to take it up.

I respond to say my Oh doesn't get it either so I feel his pain. All fine. Nothing more comes of it.

A couple of days later he texts me on whattsapp sending through a picture of his newest purchase. I say it looks great etc etc

few days after that he texts to see if i can help him out with a missing part, which as it happens I can. I get his address and post it.

We chat on and off over the next few months, all hobby related, heads up on good deals etc. I didn't think much of it.

Have now been contacted by his wife to say I need to stop my affair with her husband. Have I been totally out of line? Full disclosure he would sometimes say things like oh I need to meet a woman like you, but always seemed in a sort of banter context, and as he was married with children I didn't think anything of it.

I didn't know that gumtree was some kind of tinder equivalent, have I just been naive?

SingingSeuss Tue 06-Feb-18 10:05:18

I think the warning bells should have rung when he started to WhatsApp you hmm

VladmirsPoutine Tue 06-Feb-18 10:05:26

You haven't been naive and I don't think you have been unreasonable.

At worst he was scoping you out for a potential affair and at best it was crossed wires.

Let them sort out their own marital issues. Don't respond to his wife and leave them to it.

CannotEvenThink Tue 06-Feb-18 10:13:26

I think I'd have been like you and taken it at face value, he wasn't hiding anything, he talked about his wife and he talked about his daughter and the hobby. Even if he'd talked about meeting up and doing hobby together I'd probably have thought "fab a new friend and a chance to show his daughter that women rock in this hobby". Dh has female friends he talks to and emails about his hobby and it has never crossed my mind that there would be anything odd about it. I work in a largely female environment so dh doesn't have a comparison of me talking to men but I doubt he would mind either.

upsideup Tue 06-Feb-18 10:16:41

Thats not an affair! Thats a friendship. Just because you have a partner dosnt mean you cant talk to people of the opposite gender who have similar interests to you.
I feel really sorry for the couples who think thats the case, so much jealousy and controll in a relationship can not be healthy.

GetShitDone Tue 06-Feb-18 10:16:56

You've done nothing wrong, and it doesn't sound anything like an affair - unless there is a load of stuff you haven't told us, like you've been being up for secret lunches and discussing how awful your relationships are.

She sounds jealous and insecure. It's possible that he has had affairs in the past and she has reason to be concerned, but that's not your fault.

I would message once to say 'I'm not sure what you think is going on, but all we have done is spoken about 'name of shared hobby'. I can assure you I'm not having an affair with him, I've never met him and have no interest in having an affair with anyone '. Then block both their numbers and leave it there.

Firenight Tue 06-Feb-18 10:20:26

That’s not an affair. You’re just chatting. He and his wife clearly have some issue but that’s not your fault or problem.

I chat all the time to my friends about our shared hobby. Meet for coffee. Walk through the park together. Tell each other our woes sometimes. Doesn’t mean I want to get in their pants!

StickThatInYourPipe Tue 06-Feb-18 10:21:28

Why would alarm bells ring over him whatsapping her?

OP I don’t see how you have done anything wrong. Have you hidden this friendship from husband? If not, I really can’t see how this was an affair.

Did he tell you intimate stuff about his family or was all the chat mainly around the hobby?

NeedMoreSleepOrSugar Tue 06-Feb-18 10:22:13

Gosh if that's an affair dh and I are both in trouble! HE might be reading more into it, and if so, that's between him and his wife. From what you've written here though you have done absolutely nothing wrong and in no way encouraged anything beyond innocent chat/friendship.

That said, perhaps he has form. Perhaps he is having an affair and she's just got the wrong woman. Or maybe he's done nothing wrong and she's adding two plus two and coming up with six! Either way, if go softly for now.

I don't think I'd bother replying to her, but if you do just set her straight. Something like "I'm not having an affair with anyone. My contact with X has been purely about (hobby) and I've never met him. Please don't contact me again."

SprinkleCakeLollipop Tue 06-Feb-18 10:22:31

With comments like 'I need to meet a woman like you' it's not hard to see where she's coming from. Did you respond to that? I suspect he was fishing, it's a bit odd for a random person you barely know to start whatsapping you

It doesn't sound as though you have done anything inappropriate though.

Huntinginthedark Tue 06-Feb-18 10:26:40

well there is obviously a backstory with them.
maybe he’s got form, maybe hes done this before.
Most secure people don’t do what she’s done without good reason.
Sounds like you took him at face value.
I would just back away and leave them to their imploding marriage
DO NOT reply!

PureLife4 Tue 06-Feb-18 10:33:12

It gave me such a jolt of shock!

My oh knows I ended up chatting to this man about our mutual hobby, but he's never asked anything more about it, and our messages are literally like "oh I saw this offer on ebay that you might be interested in" or there is a sale here, or I heard this part was being retired soon so if you want it you'll have to bite the bullet...nothing intimate or personal at all, the tone is friendly, but not flirty as far as i'm concerned. I actually told him my OH was my husband after his wife comment, so I wasn't concerned that i was giving out mixed messages.

Life is such a minefield!!

IntoTheFloodAgain Tue 06-Feb-18 10:34:22

Why would alarm bells ring over him whatsapping her?

I thought this. I think some people don’t realise that Whatsapp is just a normal messaging app that allows you to send photos for free. It’s not a dating app.

I think it sounds like a potential EA from
his side, judging by his comments and the fact that it sounds like he’s making the initial contact. It sounds like he was hoping you’d reply ‘why don’t we meet up to talk about the hobby (and our love for one another)’.

I’d just ignore both of them.

Morphene Tue 06-Feb-18 10:40:18

If that's an emotional affair, then I'm a serial cheater! But it sounds more like a casual friend interaction to me.

PureLife4 Tue 06-Feb-18 10:42:36

Because my add was on gumtree my number was listed so I didn't really think anything of him sending a photo of his collection. I just thought he was glad to have found another dork to talk too blush.

Neither of us have ever suggested meeting up or anything of the sort, and the nature of gumtree means he knows roughly where I live/work and I know where his office is because I sent his parcel to his work, which is actually about 10 minutes from where I work.

windchimesabotage Tue 06-Feb-18 10:44:29

that is not an affair. If he developed feelings for you through a friendship that is not your fault. You werent even aware of it. His wife is being nuts. Dont respond to her or him again.

Royalfuckup Tue 06-Feb-18 10:44:54

Have you ever met IRL?

His wife sounds very insecure and maybe he has given her reason to in the past.

Has he been contact since?

YetAnotherSpartacus Tue 06-Feb-18 10:45:14

Why would alarm bells ring over him whatsapping her?

Yeah exactly. Are we not allowed to have friendships and should we assume that every man who talks to us sees us only through a sexual lens?

Royalfuckup Tue 06-Feb-18 10:45:15

Ah. Cross posted with you OP

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Tue 06-Feb-18 10:45:46

I had this once, so annoying. It certainly wasn't intimate or anything approaching an 'affair'. Ignore the wife - and him - and if either of them contact you again, tell them to fuck off.

WhooooAmI24601 Tue 06-Feb-18 10:45:50

I don't think you did anything wrong at all, he's perhaps overstepped the mark with comments about needing to find someone like you but there's obviously huge trust issues between him and his DW, which are their problem to resolve, not yours. Block her, block him and forget their nonsense.

Spacesuitmakeover Tue 06-Feb-18 10:47:08

I suspect that his DW thinks that you have met up? I would reply and just say that there is nothing going on, you haven't even met or spoken in real life. Then block both their numbers.

BestZebbie Tue 06-Feb-18 10:48:10

I also vote that you send back the message that GetShitDone has suggested.
If he contacts you again you should probably also point out that it is obviously upsetting his wife so to be a friend to their marriage you think it is best if you don't talk any more, although I don't think you are actually obliged to do that as you haven't done anything that crosses a line (from what you have said in your OP).

Jenna43 Tue 06-Feb-18 10:48:41

That's ridiculous, I would need to reply to her and tell her in no uncertain terms that she's totally on the wrong track and if she has issues with her husband to keep you out of it...and tell her your husband is totally aware of the friendship, you've nothing to hide.

Wellfuckmeinbothears Tue 06-Feb-18 10:48:47

I honestly don't see this as an emotional affair but clearly his wife does so the respectful thing to do would be to cease all contact.

It sounds as though you were just friends talking about a shared interest but for whatever reason is wife has an issue with that. Perhaps he has form for cheating?

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