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My friend keeps telling me DD won't need me soon

(197 Posts)
danTDM Tue 06-Feb-18 08:55:02

AIBU to be thoroughly pissed off with this now, DD is 9, friend (who has a teenaged son 19 or so) keeps commenting that DD won't need me when she is 12/13.

Do any parents of DD's have anything to say to this/opinions on this? I remember needing help with friendships/hormones/school/or sorts of things etc.

I find my friends attitude weird to say the least. Why would she KEEP on about this? It is really upsetting me.

She recently got married for the first time to a man she met online, she has started suggesting I do online dating too. I am married! Have been for 16 years! She is also 'too busy' to talk, as if I am not as busy as she is. Frankly, she has disappeared up her own arse. hmm

She has been my friend for 30 years but I am beginning to get severely fed up with her condescending comments. AIBU?

grendel Tue 06-Feb-18 08:58:09

In my experience they need you more in the teenage years! Everything just gets soooo complicated for them. As a parent, you can’t take your eye off the ball. Ever.

saladdays66 Tue 06-Feb-18 08:58:33

Wow, dd needed me more than ever at 12/13. It's a really difficult age for many dc - they're spreading their wings, want to see more of their friends and peers, listen more to their peers than they do to you, but they really need to know that you're there for them, loving them, parenting them, with boundaries and guidance and hugs.

Don't listen to your friend. She's wrong. Sounds like she's projecting her own issues onto you.

I have no idea why she would keep on about this, or suggest you do OLD hmm but I'd suggest taking a step back from her and not seeing her for a while.

Lucymek Tue 06-Feb-18 08:59:48

Sorry what ! She is telling you to do online dating however your already married !

She isn't your friend. She's an arse !

endofthelinefinally Tue 06-Feb-18 09:01:33

Teens need parenting just as much as toddlers.
Parenting teens is very complex and demanding.
Your friend sounds pretty clueless and selfish.

Groovee Tue 06-Feb-18 09:01:42

My Dd is 18 and she still needs me. Ds is 15 and he still needs me.

As for the online dating, that's rude especially as you have been married for 16 years.

I'll be honest that I think your friendship is over and if she's too busy then leave her to be busy.

AlbertaSimmons Tue 06-Feb-18 09:01:48

They never stop needing you. The nature of the need changes for sure, but it never ends (DSs 31 and 25 - I know of what I speak wink ).

wheretoyougonow Tue 06-Feb-18 09:01:51

YANBU. Ignore, ignore, ignore. People have their own issues/agenda. I have a teenager and they still need me. We still do things together and they still ask for my advice and need a hug when it all goes a bit wrong.
In fact I would go as far as to say (bar a few moments!) I am loving the teenage stage.

GreenSeededGrape Tue 06-Feb-18 09:03:14

Lots of people think only babies need you. I needed my dm more in my teenage years although I was a right ass blush

And the OLD wtaf confused She sounds slightly unhinged.

formerbabe Tue 06-Feb-18 09:03:24

What a strange thing to say. I was just approaching my teenage years when my mum died...yes, I definitely still needed her. Very odd to say such a thing.

PenguinsandPandas Tue 06-Feb-18 09:03:53

My DD is 12 and I would say she's a lot more independent than at 9, but I would say its as she is trying to get you to be the same as her. Very bizarre with the online dating when you are married.

My guess is she's struggling to cope with her child growing up. I would explain to her the comments hurt you and give her chance to stop. She may not realise, sounds a bit overwhelmed with her own issues.
.

fantasmasgoria1 Tue 06-Feb-18 09:03:54

She will still need you but for different things. My dd needed me but this stuff she needed me for changed! She was more independent but she needed me for more emotional stuff etc

Only1scoop Tue 06-Feb-18 09:04:21

Are you sure it's not said in jest though. My friend says similar things but in a light hearted way.

danTDM Tue 06-Feb-18 09:06:27

Thank you SO much everyone, I needed to hear that! It's just I hate falling out with anyone, I really thought, also, that teenagers need loads of support. My DD I can especially imagine, bless her. Thank you for your input, everyone.

Thank you so much, I think I will step back for a while. She seems so pleased with herself (and I am really happy for her) but has lost track of the kind, humble person she used to be. Suggesting OLD was particularly odd. Obvs, after 15 years, there have been a few issues, but it's like she's throwing them in my face and saying my life is crap. She has only been married a year!

GreatDuckCookery Tue 06-Feb-18 09:06:44

Ds is 11 and needs me less in some ways. He's quite independent and likes to take care of some things himself. But I disagree with the friend that your DD won't need any help from you. Even my older dc still depend on me for certain things. It's part of being a parent. Ignore her and don't let it get to you OP.

troodiedoo Tue 06-Feb-18 09:07:50

Your friend is chatting absolute shit. I'd minimise contact as much as you can and gradually downgrade the friendship.

The80sweregreat Tue 06-Feb-18 09:08:40

ignore her, mine are early 20s and still need us parents, bit of guidance and help - it changes from when they are very young of course and you take a bit of a back seat from 18 onwards, but sometimes they need you more as well, at certain times. Helping ds2 navigate Uni took time and effort - he did a lot, but we were there with the other things that needed sorting out. your friend is being odd saying this, but maybe she was brought up like it herself?
asking you to do online dating when your married yourself is also a bit strange - she seems to have an hidden agenda, ignore her and do what you think is right for you and your family.

danTDM Tue 06-Feb-18 09:09:20

Gosh, thanks for all those responses, very much appreciated indeed!

EdmundCleverClogs Tue 06-Feb-18 09:10:00

Why is she suggesting you go online dating if you’re married? That’s an odd thing to suggest.

As for your teen daughter ‘not needing you anymore’, all kids need their parents. However, the relationship may (or may not) change - I didn’t have ‘girly chats’ with my mum, I pretty much became the stereotypical, only talk when needed to, type. Some teens close off for a while, don’t be too offended if it happens to you. However, it’s all hypothetical and years away for you at the moment.

musicposy Tue 06-Feb-18 09:10:36

My 22yo lives away from home at uni but still needs me for support, advice, love, and now she's grown up, friendship.
My 18yo definitely needs me. She asks my advice on both the trivial and big things, and relies on me for love and support. She has lots of friends and a long term boyfriend, but I'm still the one person she can rely on.
They are both still very much my children, and I'm still very much their mum. You only get one mum and that doesn't change just because you hit teenage years.

Take a step back from this friendship. It's giving you cause to worry unnecessarily and doesn't seem to be adding much to your life at the moment.

Stuckinstressville Tue 06-Feb-18 09:11:30

I need my mum and she needs me smile am 35!

blueremembered Tue 06-Feb-18 09:12:45

Very weird thing to say! And I think even weirder is that she is telling a married woman to do online dating?!

Tell her straight that you are happy in your marriage and with your relationship with your daughter and you don't want to hear any more about either. Although I appreciate that this is a lot easier said than done.

mustbemad17 Tue 06-Feb-18 09:13:01

I'm nearly 30 & I still need my mum! She is my best friend, the first person I call when I have exciting news, need a pep talk or some comfort. I can remember clearly needing her a lot in my teenage years, I just didn't like to admit it at the time.

Does your friend have a rocky relationship with her DD that she is projecting onto you??

Checklist Tue 06-Feb-18 09:14:16

They are not called the boomerang generation for nothing! They may be living with you until their mid 20s, anyway and still come back from time to time when relationships break down! Then there's grandchildren! IMO, they never stop needing you - DS is 30!

Girls are very hormonal between 12 and 14, and they really need support through GCSEs, A levels and looking at unis, even if it's just moral support and encouragement!

Notso Tue 06-Feb-18 09:15:46

I think they just need you in a different way and in the case of my DD struugle with the fact they need you.

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