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Thinking we will never marry?

(20 Posts)
NomsQualityStreets Mon 05-Feb-18 11:46:03

I just need to pour this out somewhere as its confusing me so apologies in advance.

Been engaged almost 4 years. Previous plans for wedding a year after we got engaged fell through due to unexpected pregnancy and then our situation went downhill from there really.

Our initial plans and what we would have both loved involved a big wedding in my home country with lots of food and drink and a good time for everyone.

Now my DP and parents don't speak. Some posters on here know but I will not go into it on this thread. Basically the fallout did not involve me and I won't be tearing my hair our trying to fix it as its not for me to do (wasted enough energy trying in the past).

Before I start let me say I know the whole point of getting married is just that - getting married, and we both want to do that but both always wanted a proper wedding even before we met each other.
Due to circumstances mentioned above this has now become extremely difficult.
But strangely enough both sides of family are still expecting a wedding and would like to be there by the sounds of things.
Things we discussed yesterday and reasons for and against:

1) quick quiet registry wedding in the UK, no party - keep things simple and avoid any awkwardness of families coming together but it's not what we want and it would make us very sad to have to do that , it would also upset my DGPs and my lovely MIL (and probably my parents too)

2) we like the sound of this one, church wedding in UK followed by a budget but fun relaxed party for family and friends with good food and music no formal sit down or speeches (60 people) -
but it would mean I would have very few people there on my side of the family as for where I'm from it's quite expensive to travel and stay in UK + it would probably make my side feel excluded even more I.e. Big group of family and friends for DP on one side vs my DP(arents) and DGPs on my side with DGPs not speaking the language and the obvious groom ignoring PILs situation on the other.

3) church wedding in UK with just very close friends and family and quick meal etc afterwards - again not really appealing to us, also it would probably be extremely awkward as it would be glaringly obvious groom and PILs don't speak.

4) this is what DP suggested but just makes me sad (and him too) but sounds fairly simple - a church wedding in either UK or my home country, we let people know what's happening but don't expect any attendance just come if you want to be a part etc followed by a quick glass of bubbly and canapés (an hour or two) and then DP, I and the kids bugger off for a long holiday somewhere.

Deep down we both still want the proper wedding and we both admit it.

In the back of my head I'm considering speaking to my parents about it and asking them outright what are they thinking would happen. It's mostly because my DM has been a drama llama saying she "doesn't know how she could bring herself to give us her blessing" etc but she tends to be like that (and we don't need her blessing).
I'm in half a mind to just have a wedding we want and asking both sides (DP and parents) to just suck it up and exchange pleasantries on the day for the sake of the event.

WIBU? Someone talk me down and tell me what a rational course of action would be?

GetShitDone Mon 05-Feb-18 11:51:34

Could you not do 2, but then add in a party in your home country to celebrate with your friends and family from home?

Birdshitbridgegotme Mon 05-Feb-18 11:52:11

Have the wedding you both want. Tell your parents and df they will have to suck it up and even if they don't want to talk and be friendly then at least be cordial.
Or telk them to sit down and sort it out as otherwise you won't be abke to have the wedding you guys realky want and it's sad for all of you.

whiskyowl Mon 05-Feb-18 11:54:04

Are you the OP whose parents basically trashed their DH's business?

BarbarianMum Mon 05-Feb-18 11:58:17

If mt dh had suggested inviting people who wouldn't speak to me to our wedding I'd not have married him. How can you think it's a reasonable thing to do?
I think if you're parents can't even bring themselves go be polite then they've no business being there, whatever sort of wedding it is.

NewYearNewMe18 Mon 05-Feb-18 12:03:13

Quiet low key wedding - be that church or registrars - then two parties, one here and one in your home country. Keeps everyone happy, you could even have two weddings if you like. both low key with big parties after.

theunsure Mon 05-Feb-18 12:09:08

I had a wedding with just me and DH due in part to family difficulties.
It was the right thing for us and I have no regrets. Most of the family have got over it, bBut it did cause more issues with some!

I personally couldn't cope with the stress of a big wedding day and wondering if people were going to get on with each other, but I didn't feel the overwhelming need for a big day.

I think you have to go with what you want as a couple, don't compromise to please other people. So from what you have said, have the big church wedding, invite everyone and just suck up who comes. It probably won't be equal on both sides but that is fairly hard to achieve if you don't have everyone in one country.

LemonShark Mon 05-Feb-18 12:12:49

Honestly, this may sound harsh, but if you're not mature enough to take the course of action you feel is best for you and your boyfriend because you're too worried about what other family members might think, you may not be ready to be married.

It's about being married. Not about the wedding. If you recognise what getting married is about, surely you'd go ahead with whatever is accessible/possible to become husband and wife instead of putting road blocks in the way with all this drama re concern for your families?

OliviaBenson Mon 05-Feb-18 12:14:44

Will your parents behave op? If you are the person I’m thinking of, that would be my first question. Your DH is being good really in having them there at all in light of what’s happened. You should both have the wedding you want but I’d be worried they would spoil it for him.

NomsQualityStreets Mon 05-Feb-18 12:22:51

To posters who asked, ATM both sides (DP and parents) would probably just ignore each other. My DF would probably try to strike up a conversation but DP would most likely blank him or shoot him down.
My DM would probably get upset about something at some point but that's just the story with her usually.

whiskyowl Mon 05-Feb-18 12:35:11

You keep posting, over and over, about the same issue but in different guises. The central issue seems to be that you cannot accept, or reconcile yourself in any way, to the terrible bad blood between your DP and your parents. If I remember rightly - and I do apologise if this is wrong - the whole thing was caused by your parents basically royally screwing your DP's business and jeopardising your family's finances??

I'm going to say the same thing I said on previous threads - if you are the poster I think you are, thehn you haven't come to terms with the magnitude of what your parents have done. Then, as now, you sound like you are in some deep state of denial, wanting a family where terribly dysfunctional things have happened to play at being happy for special occasions. The latest is this wedding.

You sound like you have an ideal view of how your life ought to be, which doesn't take any account of the things that have actually happened or the way that things really are. It's a bit like a child, who just wants a fantasy and who can't accept reality. I don't mean that you are immature in saying that, I mean that you seem to have a deep-seated attachment to a fantasy that doesn't even begin to connect with the reality of what has happened in your lives.

I do think counselling would help you to come to terms with the fact that you are honestly never likely to get this, and with reason.

I also think that with a dysfunctional family, you have to come to terms with the fact that things like wedding plans will be affected. By all means, have the proper wedding, but don't expect it to be one big happy family - the reality is, it probably won't be!

NomsQualityStreets Mon 05-Feb-18 12:53:08

@whiskyowl where did I say it will be one big happy family? I appreciate your input but think you are missing the point of the thread.
In regards to the fallout, more things have come out which have shown me how neither side was innocent so as easy as it is to just point the finger at one party it's quite a bit more complex than that - I'm under no illusion to the relationship between my parents and DP though.

I wanted other opinions and suggestions from posters as me and DP are confused with what to do as we both kind of know what we've always wanted I.e. Big wedding.
I mentioned asking both sides to suck it up and be cordial/acknowledge each other for the sake of the day rather than point blank ignore which would make it awkward for other family/guests. I'm not expecting anyone to make up and realise there will always be some sort of issue somewhere.

I just want to know what other people would do in our place in regards to the actual wedding.

whiskyowl Mon 05-Feb-18 13:00:31

I think you should have the wedding you both want. smile It's your day.

Just recognise what you can and can't control here. You can have the dress and the ceremony and the party and the food you want. You can't necessarily have the positive family relationships you'd like (unfortunately!). Whatever you choose will offend someone, so make sure you do what you really want to do!

BarbarianMum Mon 05-Feb-18 14:37:40

Ok then: in your situation OP Id have the big wedding and not invite my parents.

OliviaBenson Mon 05-Feb-18 17:31:31

I also echo having the wedding you want and not inviting your parents.

On the last thread you were so wanting to apportion some of the blame to your DH, I know you say now more info has come to light, but has it really?

I think the wedding stuff will resolve when you come to terms with the truth if the situation more.

Jamiefraserskilt Mon 05-Feb-18 17:39:53

Have the wedding YOU want and the rest of them will have to sort themselves out.
If people cannot be civil for one day, they can either leave or not go.
Your dp needs to ensure he does not get tangled up in past drama and so do you.
Carry on regardless and have a great time!

Cambionome Mon 05-Feb-18 17:53:06

Op, with the best will in the world my heart sank when I realised that it was you again. sad

You can't keep on burying your head in the sand and expecting your dh and dp to start getting on after all the shit that has gone down over the years. I can't remember now if it was your dh who was in the wrong or your dp, but obviously neither side is prepared to put their anger behind them and get on for your sake.

You seem determined to run about in the middle apologising to both sides and panicking, but this obviously is working. I suggest you just choose the wedding that you prefer and stuff the lot of them.

Good luck.

Cambionome Mon 05-Feb-18 17:54:06

*obviously isn't working.

Eatalot Mon 05-Feb-18 17:58:02

4 sounds awesome to me spend the money you would for big reception on a long holiday for you and kids.

laura65988 Wed 07-Feb-18 15:17:18

Have the wedding u want it's ure day not everyone else's u can't worry about them but I would suggest try n work things out with parents etc if they can't tell parents they are not invited as this causes awkwardness and sadness on ure Special day I do not see why u would want this atmosphere at ure wedding and if all parents and party's involved can't put away there grievances for there children big day and at least be civil for one day they are very selfish people and again why would u want this in u're wedding I wouldn't put my wedding around these people use are suppose to be family but then use can't decide on what kind of wedding or were to have maybe have it halfway between both places or in one or the other but u should do it where u live if people don't show that's upto them if they make an effort its not meant to be this hard getting married but at end of the day it's all money for Abit of paper that doesn't change your relationship

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