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to move on?

(9 Posts)
Ivyandvine7 Sun 04-Feb-18 19:17:05

Namechanged.

Sorry I’m advace for the long post! I’ve been separated from DP of 8 years for a few weeks due to a long list of reasons but we’re still living together and will be for a few months while we work out our housing situation.

The relationship has been struggling for a few years - we don’t hate each other or argue at all, but have nothing in common, no intimacy, rarely spend time together, lack of communication and are just very different people. There has been a few incidents in the past of him cheating which I have tried to recover from and really made an effort to fix the damage caused by that, with little to no remorse or response from him. He is incredibly passive, to the point where he never seems to really value anything, get excited about anything or be productive in terms of our relationship. Despite this, he is not a bad person, we get on well and are more like family/friends now. I ended up exhausted trying to make him care, or show any kind of enthusiasm or want towards me or us, but he was never really bothered, and eventually, after years of trying, I gave up and told him that this wasn’t how I wanted to spend my future.

So, WIBU to move on while still living together? Obviously I wouldn’t want him to know because the last thing I want is to ruin his confidence or make him uncomfortable in any way, but I’m not sure if it’s bad to keep secrets/lie/not mention it? Even if it is out of kindness and respect to him as a person.

I can’t decide whether it’s best to just wait in limbo for the next few months, or if I should prioritise myself and my happiness?

Bambamber Sun 04-Feb-18 19:18:49

He cheated on you and your worried about damaging his confidence by moving on?

Ivyandvine7 Sun 04-Feb-18 19:24:49

**Bambamber

It was a long time ago, and not calculated - just out of sheer stupidity. But, I wouldn’t want him to hurt, and I know it would hurt him if he found out. Also, with our living situation, I don’t want to cause unnecessary issues. I still want him to be happy

AmberTopaz Sun 04-Feb-18 19:27:57

YANBU to move on. YABU to lie about it. Be honest with him, so that he has the opportunity to do the same if he wants to.

Ivyandvine7 Sun 04-Feb-18 19:32:37

We’ve talked openly about moving on, and although I’m more than happy for him to, again, I don’t think he’s that bothered. And has said he’d rather be on his own. That’s why I’m struggling as I don’t think he feels the same way. Maybe it would clarify the situation a bit more if I did tell him, but I really want to avoid tension when we have to see each other every day for the next few months. As much as I hate lying to him, I can’t tell if it’s kinder to in the long run?

Ivyandvine7 Sun 04-Feb-18 19:34:51

We also agreed that if either of us does move on, we need to keep that separate from our house and our situation. But I’m really uncomfortable with lying :/

WheresTheHooferDoofer Sun 04-Feb-18 19:36:37

OP, you are separated, and your DP lost the right to be hurt about anything you do when he cheated on you. Yes, it may have been long ago, but from your own OP he didn't make any effort to repair the relationship. This isn't stupidity, he just didn't/doesn't care.

Do what is right for you. If that means waiting until you are living apart, that's fine, but if you want to start dating now, that's also fine.

Ivyandvine7 Sun 04-Feb-18 20:13:30

Thank you,

I think I just found it confusing because he’s refusing to tell anyone that we’ve separated because ‘he doesn’t want to answer questions’, but I’ve told him that I’m not going to pretend to be together in front of people or arrange to do things together with mutual friends/family. I really don’t want to cause any issues, but I know I’m not doing anything wrong. I just don’t think he’ll see it that way if I’m honest about it.

laura65988 Wed 07-Feb-18 19:29:03

It's hard living together ure not doing anything wrong it's not really his business but at least tell him ure thinking about it he can't say anything about it but it's only been a few weeks and u're thinking of another relationship take time and have fun don't rush into anything as u could be rushing as u miss what u weren't getting from him do u have kids and why do use have to live together

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