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To feel like I might as well be single?

(28 Posts)
TheHolyToast Sun 04-Feb-18 10:37:36

Been married two years, together for 6. DH is 10 years older than me (he's 46) which may or may not be relevant.
I work Monday to Thursday 8am until 5pm. DH works Monday to Thursday 7.30am until 4.30pm and then Friday and Saturday mornings. He could condense his hours into 5 days but he chooses to work Saturday mornings instead.

I KNOW he does more hours than me. Fair enough.

Problem is when he's not at work he doesn't want to do anything. We're meant to be doing the kitchen, at the moment it's half tiled, half bare wall, shit everywhere. Plan was to do it Friday afternoon. He gets in from work and decides he wants to chill out instead - but this chilling out doesn't involve me, he likes to sit at his computer on his own for hours. Nothing got done on the kitchen. Saturday he gets in from work, I'm hoping to get cracking on with the kitchen, DH decides he has tooth ache and goes to sleep on the couch for hours. I decide to go to gym (again on my own). Saturday night, when we're meant to spend a bit of time together he starts a mild argument, bad feeling and tension results. I go to bed.
Sunday (today) he's off work - we could be doing the kitchen (or god forbid, going out somewhere together) but no, he wants to stay in bed until lunch time. He'll then want to "chill out" at the computer for hours. Again I'm on my own all day. Can't even go to gym today as I've knackered my feet running yesterday and I'm on a heavy period so can't go swimming.

I know he's not responsible for my entertainment requirements before anyone says it but really, what's the point in being married like this? He's constantly either sat at the computer or asleep. We live 5 minutes from the cinema, he never wants to go saying he can just download the films. We live 5 minutes from bars and restaurants, he never wants to go as he's tired.

We have money, but it's useless as we never do anything with it. Not because he's tight, but because he simply can't be arsed.

I've bought berrocca energy supplements for myself, he refuses to try them. Our sex life is non existent because he's always too tired. He refuses to go to any kind of relate or councelling as he says there isn't a problem.

I'm starting to daydream about being single, going on dates and actually having someone I can enjoy life with.

AIBU?

Monoblock67 Sun 04-Feb-18 10:40:06

Could be maybe be depressed and not realising it? Fatigue is often a sign and also the not wanting to do anything. I’m not minimising his behaviour just trying to see if there could be a cause for it.

I totally understand though that this is no way for you to live your life, feeling so isolated all the time. Would he be willing to go and see the GP?

Screaminginsideme Sun 04-Feb-18 10:41:54

You need to talk to him not us. Make your feelings known be calm and non judgmental. Good luck

TheHolyToast Sun 04-Feb-18 10:42:50

I've suggested depression, he refuses to ackwledge it and just starts getting at me saying it would be nice if we could all work my part time hours then we'd all be full of life and energy etc. Everything is an argument with him - plus it was him that asked me to go part time! Can't do right for wrong.

TheHolyToast Sun 04-Feb-18 10:43:40

I can't talk to him, I've tried. He just turns it into an argument and makes me feel shit about my own working schedule.

NapQueen Sun 04-Feb-18 10:43:45

Yanbu.

Id be cracking on with the kitchen myself (or paying a tradesperson to come do it) so that the house is saleable incase you split.

SersioulycanitgetWORSE Sun 04-Feb-18 10:44:10

How long has this been going on? Did he used to want to go to cinema and go out?
What's he doing on computer... Are you you sure us he working at these other times.

Anyway I would issue ultimatum. Its a half life

TheHolyToast Sun 04-Feb-18 10:44:51

See that's another thing, he refuses to let me do the kitchen myself saying I'll cock it up and refuses to get a trades person in saying it's a waste of money. I'm voiceless.

TheHolyToast Sun 04-Feb-18 10:46:34

In our early days we used to be out every weekend. It dwindled down and not he'll only go out if it's to see a band which I've started to hate as he just gets wrecked, talks bollocks (to other people, not me) and again I feel like I'm there on my own.

NapQueen Sun 04-Feb-18 10:46:50

He can "refuse" all he likes. You are a grown woman. Presumably he wouldnt manhandle you out of the room if you picked up some of the work? And if he says 'I dont want a labourer in' whats he going to do if you just do it abyways?

SersioulycanitgetWORSE Sun 04-Feb-18 10:47:04

Just do it anyway. Op it doesn't sound like he likes you very much.

RogueAnnJosh Sun 04-Feb-18 10:54:01

I couldn’t live like this.
As said above, it’s a half life.
What’s
The point of having money if you can’t spend on things like sorting out your half finished kitchen?

TheHolyToast Sun 04-Feb-18 10:59:27

The sun is shining and it reminds me of summer. I can't do a summer like this. At least in winter I can tell myself "it's cold and wet anyway outside" but in summer when everyone is out enjoying the weather? I don't want to be stuck here. I don't make friends easily (and as a result, only have one or two) so my options are stay here with faceache or go out alone. What's the point.

petbear Sun 04-Feb-18 11:05:21

@TheHolyToast

I am genuinely so very sorry for you. You sound miserable and fed up!

When you are a solvent young couple with no kids (I assume?) you should be having a whale of a time. My 2 girls (early 20's,) have boyfriend's (both live with them,) and they are travelling all the time, playing golf together, going for a 'cheeky nandos,' or the the Novello lounge, or grabbing a few mates and staying out at the pub til half hour after closing time, spending £120 between 4 of them on booze, and then regretting it all weekend, with a massive hangover, and wondering if there will be enough money for the gas bill that's due out of the bank on Monday, buying a crappy top from New look that costs £30 they they will hate next week and never wear again, taking memberships at the gym and only going twice a month coz they would rather go watch a film at the cinema instead, booking random trips to Budapest or Prague, getting up on a Saturday morning and going for a hike over the hills, and generally enjoying life!

You're a long time dead, and once you have kids, although it's wonderful, and we love them, there's stuff you simply cannot do when you have kids, because of the commitment and the cost. Nothing wrong with being restricted in what you can do, if you have spent 10 years or so doing it before you had kids (like we did.) We did all our travelling and partying between 16 and 26 ish... If you don't have a load of 'child-free' fun now WHILE YOU CAN, you will live to regret it.

I know what I am saying isn't helping YOU, but sweetie you need to sit this man down - away from computers and TV's (and couches!) and tell him that the marriage is going to END if he doesn't change, as you cannot live like this.

I get a really sinking feeling that he may not change, I mean has he always been like this??? Having said that, my friend could not get her husband to travel abroad for love nor money (what's the point, we have everything here, that they have there?!) 10 years married,, 2 kids aged 6 and 8, and they had never been anywhere other than sodding Rhyl. so she went and booked a holiday - to SPAIN, for her and the 2 kids ONLY.

He was utterly fucking MORTIFIED. 'Whaaaaa??? shock How COULD you, how COULD you go without me?' 'Well you don't wanna go, and we do, so there you go.' Long story short, they changed the booking to include him, he went with them, and he LOVED it. He got the 'travel bug' and they went on 4 more trips abroad in 2 years!

So you either have to tell your husband you cannot tolerate this marriage - or him - any longer, (and leave if he doesn't at least TRY to change,) or have a life with him like this. If you have already spoken to him and he 'refuses to discuss it,' then I think I would be telling him you want OUT of the marriage. See what he says to that. Say 'why do you even wanna be married, when you have no interest in me, or doing anything WITH me?!'

Imagine life with this man if you have children? You will feel even MORE lonely then! If he s not arsed with basic shit now, he ain't gonna bother making the effort with the children!

scatterolight Sun 04-Feb-18 11:05:52

I wouldn't call what you do "part time". You have Fridays off. It's not exactly a 2 day week is it?

I think you should suggest that you both work a full day Friday and then you will have 2 full weekend days free. I suspect he likes the disparity between you as it gives him the moral high ground to say "I'm tired". So it will be interesting to see how he reacts.

Ultimately he seems like a lazy fucker though. You're still young at 36. You've got another shot at someone else.

Bunbunbunny Sun 04-Feb-18 11:12:45

Petbear is 100% right on this, life is too short to live like this way

TheHolyToast Sun 04-Feb-18 11:20:59

As predicted, he's still asleep. Almost 11.30am. My Facebook is full of couples out in the sun. I find him so depressing.

petbear Sun 04-Feb-18 11:24:29

True bun smile

As I said, as a young child-free person, you should be having loads of random fun while you can!

I mean, I am not saying you are not living a good life if you choose to stay in bed all weekend and play video games and eat pizza til it's coming out of your ears, if that is what you want to do and you and your partner are both happy with this (if you're in a couple.) But if you are someone who likes fun and adventure and doing random shit, and you have a partner who doesn't wanna do ANYthing, then it's not going to work really is it? The OP's husband sounds massively selfish. I can't imagine any woman tolerating that. Poor woman. sad

JustDanceAddict Sun 04-Feb-18 11:31:16

That sounds truly miserable. I would either do kitchen yourself or get someone in assuming you can afford it.
As far as the relationship goes I think it’s time to threaten ‘if you don’t go to GP/counselling/get a life, I’m off.’ I assume no kids involved. Blimey, if dh and I didn’t have kids/elderly parents etc we would still go to eat/cinema/travel on a regular basis. He also works a lot but we still have just about rnough’couple time’and we’ve been married 18 years!!

nutbrownhare15 Sun 04-Feb-18 11:32:01

I went out with someone like this in my 20s. I think he probably was a bit depressed, but I spent 4 1/2 years hoping he'd change. Breaking up with him finally was the best thing I ever did, and I met my lovely dh who wants to spend time with me 18 months later.

mishfish Sun 04-Feb-18 11:33:06

* - plus it was him that asked me to go part time! Can't do right for wrong.*

Why did he ask you to go part time? What was the reasoning and agreement here?

Personally I’d go back to working the Friday and suggest he does a full day Friday too. Then maybe say sundays are for lazing and computer If he wants but you’d like to hang out with him on the Saturdays

Life is too short. My mum has a miserable marriage and it’s really sad watching people be so bored and unfulfilled when they could be having enjoyment instead

QuiteLikely5 Sun 04-Feb-18 11:35:41

Just simply tell him it isn’t working. He needs a short sharp kick!

Life really is for living

Imagine what he’d be like with kids

People rarely change

PaperdollCartoon Sun 04-Feb-18 11:40:24

From what you’ve said he works a couple of extra hours a week when it’s all added together, so his annoyance at your ‘part time hours’ is ridiculous.

I also wonder if he could be depressed. Does he know how unhappy you are?

Peanutbuttercheese Sun 04-Feb-18 11:54:33

Well we are of the middle aged variety and as much as I do like a nap now and then until I became seriously ill a couple of years ago being that age made no difference to what we did. Except I did stop climbing trees at about 43.

Have a discussion with him over a period of time, tell him your unhappy and this is not what you signed up for. Changes need to be made, tell him you feel yourself falling out of love. Choosing to work those extra days he may be doing it deliberately to avoid contact. DH and I had some issues last year, it did actually take me leaving him to sort it out and we had very painful honest discussions. It was a very specific issue. Many people are prepared to limp along in sorry excuses for relationships because it's what they are used to. He sounds like one of them.

Whatever it is if he won't t engage then it's over is just a matter of when not if.

Was he always like this?

laura65988 Wed 07-Feb-18 23:30:33

He is a lazy pig who won't do kitchen it will be excuse after another and u're currently letting him away with this selfishness yes he works more hours but u are contributing the sex is non existent I would not be happy at this as ure not satisfying each other and he never want to do anything with u or spend time with you so what's the point in this relationship it's over before it's begun are you prepared to be in a sexless marriage and never doing anything together get out as it's doomed u may have wanted a rant about kitchen but resentment kicked in and u said some truths

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