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Is this rude? Perspective needed

(53 Posts)
Spartaca Sat 03-Feb-18 12:43:15

Best friend and family coming for lunch. They have two kids, one 4 and one nearly 2. We have 3...7, 5 and 3 months.

We asked them round mid afternoon as our child has a club this morning. They asked that we eat at 1 to fit around the younger child. We shuffled stuff around to accommodate so older child got back here at 1215, lots of running around for them to be due at 1230.

Message at just gone 1230 to say younger child hasn't napped yet and they want him to have at least an hour, so will be round later.

Cue disappointed children, a load of food I have to keep warm and avoid spoiling. One of two days off wasted sitting around waiting indefinitely.

I'm cross. And hungry so we are all eating sarnies waiting for them. There is a slight back story in that we always have to fit around their kids, and messages are often ignored unless something is wanted.

But then I think this is just how it is with kids and old friends. They don't want their child to be tired and grumpy over our long awaited catch up.

DH is more cross, because as always we are being dictated to, and to start trying a kid for a nap at the time you are due somewhere seems rude.

We'll get on with it and over it, but I can't decide if it is rude or just a fact of life.


MakeItRain Sat 03-Feb-18 12:47:10

It is rude, but I wouldn't accommodate them! I would reply, ok but we're eating at 1 as it'll be ready then, so can you feed yours before we see you. Or else say that you can't make it later as you're going out.

AlpacaLypse Sat 03-Feb-18 12:47:12

Text to let them know that you're eating now as planned and will keep them some sandwiches and something hot for when they make it. Why should your children have to wriggle their mealtimes to accommodate their last minute changes of plan? And btw a two year old should pass out nicely in the car on the journey so why didn't they factor him napping on the way rather than twiddle about waiting for him to do it at home?

Nikephorus Sat 03-Feb-18 12:49:34

'Well we'll get on and eat and by the time you arrive we'll be done and can sit down for a good chat'
Of course they're rude.

Spartaca Sat 03-Feb-18 12:49:40

That's what we would have done, but have never really had a routine per se with ours so could afford to be more flexible. Which is probably why we always do the fitting in around others. I do prefer it that way for us, but it does feel a little unfair. I don't want to get caught up on principles with friends though so it is hard to find a balance.

RadioGaGoo Sat 03-Feb-18 12:49:41

I think it's rude and I wouldn't make my family wait to accommodate hers.

Myddognearlyatethedeliveryman Sat 03-Feb-18 12:51:30

Sorry can never understand dps who run their lives around dc naps!
Receive invite.
Accept invite.
Pack dc gear.
Load car.
Have fun!
Drive home.

Spartaca Sat 03-Feb-18 12:51:46

I put make up on FFS! And hoovered! 😂

MakeItRain Sat 03-Feb-18 12:52:57

I think saying you'll eat now isn't getting caught up with principles. Your children are hungry and there's a lunch ready! There doesn't have to be any ill feeling around saying that you're eating now. To be honest I wouldn't expect you to keep your kids waiting for food for another hour if I were her.

Megs4x3 Sat 03-Feb-18 12:59:01

They'll be round later so they'll miss lunch. It's rude but their rudeness shouldn't be putting you out any more thanit has. Then have a think about how much you accommodate them in the future. It's not fair that your childrem are messed about to accommodate yours every time, and the balance is that once you've made plans to accommodate others, they stick to the plans they asked for.

Megs4x3 Sat 03-Feb-18 13:00:55

Ps they are being unreasonable in that child could nap in the car and/or at your house.

twinsmummy5 Sat 03-Feb-18 13:01:29

I would also say ‘ ok well we’re eating now as food is done so do you want to eat before you come over ? Or I can keep some aside ‘ - if I was the visitor I’d just sa. I’d eat before coming over in that situation so as not to be rude !!

AllButterShortbread Sat 03-Feb-18 13:01:36

Very rude of them and I say that as a parent whose life revolved around naps. I’d have let the baby have whatever nap there was time for it let him/her sleep in the car and arrived at the arranged time. And suffered any consequences myself later.

But I would have never asked you to rearrrange the suggested time anyway. Congratulations. Your friends are CFs flowers

Jessbow Sat 03-Feb-18 13:02:44

''shame you'll miss lunch, mine cant wait any longer'' See you later

MatildaTheCat Sat 03-Feb-18 13:05:19

I would send a PA text saying, ‘what, you mean we’ve just rearranged our morning for nothing?! We will go ahead and have our lunch. Text before you set off in case we decide to go out?’

They are clearly in that phase of parenting where sense and manners have left the building. hmm

Spartaca Sat 03-Feb-18 13:10:33

I think I have caused this by always being too accommodating. I think perhaps when you are others lose respect for you maybe? Especially recently I've been so conscious that I've never heard back from her or whatever that whenever she suggests doing something I leap to be the cool, laid back, easy going best friend to make it as easy as possible to be my friend...if that makes sense.

TheChineseChicken Sat 03-Feb-18 13:11:04

Rude, and I hate this having to accommodate small children. If we are eating at a later time than DD usually does we either just make her wait (she won't starve) or give her a small snack. It's good for them to learn to fit around other people!

pasturesgreen Sat 03-Feb-18 13:11:39

Very rude. And you're enabling them. So you asked them to come mid-afternoon as it suited you best. How come it ended up having them over for lunch?

extinctspecies Sat 03-Feb-18 13:11:50

It is incredibly rude of them.

If you had not already eaten sandwiches, I would suggest you stick with your original plan.

I hope they arriving bearing apologies, flowers & chocolates at least.

CheapSausagesAndSpam Sat 03-Feb-18 13:13:19

God.YANBU!.I HATE parents who try to make the bastard WORLD revolve around their child's nap!

mummmy2017 Sat 03-Feb-18 13:15:04

Eat the food and tell them your doing it, can they sort themselves out, and you will see them when they get to you, and next time don't move your kids around to help them, they don't appreciate it.

LinoleumBlownapart Sat 03-Feb-18 13:15:23

You have a 3 month old and you're twisting your life around a nearly 2 year old child. No sorry, fuck that! That's rude.
I have a friend like that, everyone had to bend and break around her only child. She did something similar when I had a baby, three older children under 10 and a husband away for work. She messed me about so we ate and kept food for her and her prince when they arrived 3 hours later than planned.

Spartaca Sat 03-Feb-18 13:16:06

Well it is lunch because we discussed going out for lunch but needed somewhere with outside space for the kids and the weather is pants. It's out turn to host so said to come to us. Her husband works away a few months on a few months off, and will be going in the next few days hence their suggesting a catch up before he goes.

ArchchancellorsHat Sat 03-Feb-18 13:16:50

I think I have caused this by always being too accommodating.

No, they caused it by being arses. Enjoy your nice lunch and maybe go out somewhere nice after it.

ragged Sat 03-Feb-18 13:16:53

"Mine are starving so We're gonna go ahead & have lunch & will be glad to see you whenever you can make it."

I think that's what they would do if shoes were reversed, so I'd try to do that.

yeah, I'd be disappointed in them not thinking this all thru.

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