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To think friends aren't worth the aggro

(151 Posts)
poobag Fri 02-Feb-18 14:51:49

This is something that bothers me literally every day of my life. I don't have any friends.
I make friends easily, but find almost no pleasure whatsoever in keeping them. When we arrange to do something together I look forward to it with the same anticipation and enjoyment that a trip to the doctors might bring. Eventually I drift away, or f me some silly excuse to severe the friendship.
I think I'm happier without 'friends', spending time with my husband, kids and wider family. But I see everyone else having these fulfilling friendships with members of the same sex. I see them huddled together chatting in the playground on the school run. I see their photos of nights out together on Facebook, and I really feel like I must be missing out on something. Every single day I think about this...what's wrong with me? Why haven't I got any friends? Why can't I be bothered to engage with people properly? And when I do, why do I get so very little out if it?
Am I alone in feeling like this?

OuchBollocks Fri 02-Feb-18 14:53:28

Have you always felt this way? My friends aren't aggro. Some of them have been friends for 20+ years and we go to great lengths to keep our friendships alive.

Gatehouse77 Fri 02-Feb-18 14:56:04

I'm probably somewhere in the middle. Most of my time is spent with family but I do have friends that i go out with, on average, twice a month.

However, many of these people that are in constant contact with people, going out all the time, etc. also have massive fallings-out with each other and often feels like you never left the playground. So, ultimately I'm content with my lot.

IfyouseeRitaMoreno Fri 02-Feb-18 14:56:45

Of course YANBU. If you genuinely prefer your own company that’s fine.

Do you find other people’s conversation boring? Sometimes I do so I drink in social situations.

Taffeta Fri 02-Feb-18 14:58:24

You have to put the effort in

Can be very rewarding when you do, if you’re friends with the right people

poobag Fri 02-Feb-18 14:58:25

I think so, yes. I can't pinpoint anything specific that happened in my life that made me distrustful of other women.
Growing up I had lots of friends, but I've severed all ties with those people now. That in itself makes me sad, because I was part of a large circle of friends at an all girls school. The other people in that crowd are still friends 25 years later, God parents to each other's children etc.
I just don't know why I'm like this. I've even considered that maybe I have a personality disorder.

WomanInTheMirrorStaresAtMe Fri 02-Feb-18 14:59:51

You are not alone.

I have a few friends who I see perhaps once a month each, I value them and enjoy being with them.

However since the children started school I have felt this massive pressure (probably of my own socially inept making) to he friends with other mums. There are morning coffees, playdates, prosseco afternoons, nights out. I see the pics on Facebook and think there is something wrong with me because I rarely go if I am invited, and don't enjoy it when I do go. So as far as friendships with school mums go I totally agree.

poobag Fri 02-Feb-18 15:04:18

I made friends last year with two other women with children the same age as mine. They were both lovely. Intelligent, interesting, career women and I felt that we were on the same page as each other. They constantly invited me round for coffee, on nights out etc. I went a few times, and it was nice, but I didn't really let myself enjoy it for some reason.
Those two women are still very close friends. I found some imagined slight and just drifted off to be by myself again. There was no argument, but they certainly got sick of inviting me and trying to include me only to be let down time and time again.
I think I would probably just be so much happier if I could accept myself as I am... a loner. But I actually feel like half a person most of the time. Being like this can't be normal?

Gottagetmoving Fri 02-Feb-18 15:07:48

I feel the same. I keep in touch with old friends and work colleagues on Facebook but have no interest in girls nights out or going to activities with them.
One or two were forever asking me to join in but have given up now (thank god grin )
I'm not introverted at all and love meeting people but I just don't like organised nights out or regular commitments to meet up.
I just prefer seeing family and spending time on my own given half a chance!

Want2beme Fri 02-Feb-18 15:11:00

I'm not dissimilar to you OP. I don't really connect with many people and any friends I've had, is only really because society tells us to make friends, that it's the done thing. I've had a couple good friends through the years, but one of them I lost touch with because she was so hard to pin down. My other good friend lives in another country to me and I only see her every couple of years. I haven't got friends where I'm living now and don't have much of a social life. I know people, but that's not the same. I've come to realise that I'm not the kind of person who needs lots of friends, however, I would like at least one good friend where I'm living at the moment. I know that I'm an introvert which holds me back, and I don't want to get into a situation where too much is expected from me, so I just hold back.

Maybe you just haven't clicked with anyone yet. Or maybe you don't need friends.

FindoGask Fri 02-Feb-18 15:20:31

More normal than you think, OP. I've got a few casual friends and acquaintances but no really close friendships. I like people, I'm not a misanthrope or anything. I'm just not bothered about seeing anyone socially if I can avoid it. I find socialising mainly hard work, unless I can drink. But I'm trying not to drink at the moment. I also don't like talking on the phone, and I don't like 'meeting up for coffee'.

I expect I'll regret not making more of an effort when I'm old and my children don't visit, but since I'll probably never be able to retire anyway, at least work will give me a reason to get up in the morning!

waspandbees Fri 02-Feb-18 15:20:45

Totally not worth it. Friendships tend to just be me making all the effort and people taking so I just think forget it

lolaflores Fri 02-Feb-18 15:37:50

i have perhaps 3 good friends who I have known for long periods of time. As I get older i meet people with whom I pass the time of day, hi how are you. There are mums at the school that I have some chit chat with.
In the next category are a 2 people who have become emotional swamps and i have had to disengage as the pressure was just too much.
I do just fine in my own company most of the time. One of my oldest friends is the opposite and she is literally out 7 nights a week but to me it looks like torture.
If I am in a grouip with too many people I just drown in the noise and the chaos so I avoid it as there is no point me being there as it doesn't feel like enjoyment and I leave stressed and exhausted.
There are times I wonder if I shouldn't be having a wider social circle but if I wanted it, by now I would have got it and maintained it.

Taffeta Fri 02-Feb-18 15:37:57

I’m interested that you say you didn’t let yourself enjoy it

Can you talk more about that?

Laiste Fri 02-Feb-18 15:40:15

I know what you mean OP. I'm the same - i'll easily befriend a room full of strangers within an hour. Young or old. I'll happily talk to who ever you like and empathise and laugh along. Lots of times folk will see me with someone and assume i've been friends with that person for years, when in fact we've only just met.

Load of friends in my different jobs over the years. Nights out having a drink ect.

BUT once i don't clap eyes on a person for more than a week they pass into the back of my mind and i can't be arsed. Therefore when i'm not working (SAHM) i have no mates and it bothers me not a jot.

lolaflores Fri 02-Feb-18 15:47:39

laiste I do this. Sometimes I wonder if I do this as some sort of pathalogical need to seduce people in a way. Make people laugh, make them like me then forget them completely.
I don't lack confidence, I am not awkward, shy or self concious but when needs must, I can raise my game to Olympic standards of entertaining etc. only to turn all the lights off and hum in the dark.
Its like two people inhabit me. I love my space, my books etc. and isolate myself quite happily.
Both my daughters seem the same.
I had a great aunt who had a fall in her house. The firemen came to break in and help her. She was in the hall, with her arse up in the air and they shouted through
"its alright love, we're just going to force the door"
To which she replied
"No thank you. I'm quite alright, I;m just resting.."
Who says it isn't genetic

Sweetpea55 Fri 02-Feb-18 15:50:39

I think I'm the same as you OP. Iv gone through times in my life when Iv had heaps of friends and when I was in my twenties I was always out. But prior to school and now when dds have left home I really dont want to go out. Or make the effort. I meet a good friend for lunch once a month and although I enjoy it. I really don't want to go. I'm happier in my own company and yet not lonely. Guess we are just those sort of people

Laiste Fri 02-Feb-18 15:55:38

lolaflores Belly laughed at your Great Aunt grin

You've described it exactly though.

We'd be great mates actually! for a couple of hours wink

Writersblock2 Fri 02-Feb-18 15:58:38

lolaflores LOVE the aunt story!

OP, I am the same. I get on really easily with people and can make small talk etc. and find connections. I seem to attract people easily. But it's just so much effort to think of socialising. Funnily enough, I got on really well with a temp we had at work recently and as we used to walk in the same direction we had some lovely chats, however once she left, I kinda let her suggestions of coffee fall by the wayside.

I'm not sure what it is. I love intelligent chats. I love going places and traveling. But I value my alone time so much. My OH is one of the very few people I can spent large amounts of time with and I don't want to tell him to leave, but perhaps it's because he's the same and we can happily be in the same room together but doing our own thing.

I have one real life friend, whom I meet maybe once every three months for dinner. I enjoy it for the most part, but it's more than enough. My other close friend is online. We email back and forth maybe once every couple of weeks.

Any more than the above and I feel overwhelmed, yet like you, I crave for a huge connection (as friends) where we both just "get it" and there isn't this weird expectation on set regular meetings or phone calls.

lolaflores Fri 02-Feb-18 15:59:00

laiste we would as long you don't expect me to remember your name or where we met.
This is a morbid thought though.
Would anyone turn up for my funeral or should I not give a shit as I didn't really in life so I can't expect something I haven't valued in life?
Save a few bob though wouldn't it. Just me and the man shovelling me into the urn would probably only cost the price of a cold buffet

Laiste Fri 02-Feb-18 16:03:40

poobag what you say about the two women friends reminds me of my experience of NCT classes 4 years ago.

The group of women were lovely. Genuinely friendly, all different ages, keen to keep the group alive.

Then there was me. I fitted in with them fantastically. Our babies were all due within the same month and before and after the births we got together chatted and laughed and shared stories and i hated every minute of it. Very strange. Like you i just backed away in a very smiley fashion until they stopped trying to include me. I was so relieved when i felt i'd totally fallen off their radar. It's very odd.

greendale17 Fri 02-Feb-18 16:06:28

*Totally not worth it. Friendships tend to just be me making all the effort and people taking so I just think forget it*

^How sad

Laiste Fri 02-Feb-18 16:06:57

I have the thoughts about the funeral thing too. I'm very lucky that i have a wonderful DH with a lovely family who seem to love me to bits and (who i grudgingly go round to see grin) and 4 wonderful daughters.

I hope they'll turn up.

lolaflores Fri 02-Feb-18 16:10:54

greendale17 I don't think its sad.
There are people who "collect" friends because they simply can't be alone.
Someone I had to detach from recently seemed to need constant attention and emotional support (over 10years). Phone calls were a litany of complaints, upset and misery. She took constantly and gave nothing. If life was good then there would be no contact until the next melt down.
As I have gotten older I made a concious decision to not be involved in this sort of leeching and it is for my own benefit as well.

LuckyAmy1986 Fri 02-Feb-18 16:50:05

Same. I dread spending time with friends, I am relieved if things get cancelled! Not that I have many, by choice. I find so many people are fake. My sister from the outside has lots of friends but she secretly can’t stand a lot of them. Why bother?!

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