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AIBU to not change dd’s surname?

(96 Posts)
Emboo19 Thu 01-Feb-18 22:08:34

DD has my surname although I did offer to double barrel with her dads when she was born. At the time he said he wasn’t bothered, had no real attachment to his surname (it’s his dad’s who he doesn’t see) and was happy for her to have mine.

Before we separated it had started to bother him and we’d talked about if we married he’d change his name to mine and dd’s. Now we’ve split he’s been asking if I’ll change her surname and double barrel it to include his. I did say I’d consider it and he keeps asking, but I don’t want to.
I’m not a fan of double barrelled names and I like how her name sounds, as it is.
Plus a few weeks ago he was moving country, now he’s not! Then he was moving city, now he’s not! I do think that’s probably all to mess with me and not that he’ll actually leave her, but it doesn’t help his case.

He asked again tonight and I really want to tell him I’m not changing it and that’s that. But I feel a bit guilty and don’t know if I’m being completely unreasonable. I’d be upset not to have the same name as her, but then I wouldn’t have agreed to that in the first place.

Leeds2 Thu 01-Feb-18 22:10:30

I wouldn't change it.

LRDtheFeministDragon Thu 01-Feb-18 22:10:34

If he's that bothered, he should change his name. Seems odd to me he admits he doesn't care for it much, but won't change now you're separated. It's daft to expect you to do the running when you're not the one who's bothered about it.

WineAndTiramisu Thu 01-Feb-18 22:11:24

Definitely not being unreasonable, keep your surname. He seems to keep changing his mind and doesn't seem that reliable, stick with yours!

Firstimefreaked Thu 01-Feb-18 22:14:10

My mum put my bio dads name as my last name, then changed it to my step dads, recently I changed it myself. Stick to your guns and don't change her name, every officia paperwork etc you will have to provide name change paperwork for the rest of her life and forbid it if you misplace it! You gave him his chance and he missed it!

Idontdowindows Thu 01-Feb-18 22:18:50

He had his chance. If he's so desperate to have the same last name as his daughter, he can change his name.

You are not unreasonable!

NoqontroI Thu 01-Feb-18 22:19:19

How old is DD? Is she old enough to decide what she wants?

TwilightRiver Thu 01-Feb-18 22:21:33

Is your relationship good now you have separated ? Have custody arrangements been civil ?

Only reason im asking, and im sure I'm jumping the gun but when you say he wantsvto move aborad, do you think he wants to take her with him? If they share the same name no questions would be asked..

PotatoesOfTheCarribean Thu 01-Feb-18 22:24:58

My children all have ex-dps surname. I wouldn't expect him to agree to me double-barrelling their names, or change to mine, much as I hate them having his name. It's their name, which we both agreed to when they were born.

Emboo19 Thu 01-Feb-18 22:31:05

He said he’d be happy to change his name when we were together, but not now we aren’t. He said it’s a weird to change your name to your ex’s and I have to say I agree with that.

I do get why it bothers him and he hates that people presume she’s not his when they see they have different names.

LRDtheFeministDragon Thu 01-Feb-18 22:33:57

Well, the feministy bit of me wants to remind him that 1) he was fine with it before and 2) loads of women are in this situation and cope.

But, I admit I see why it bothers him too. If it really bothers him this much, he could always travel with a letter, properly validated, that states he is the father. My SIL has to do this with her DD as they have different names, and though it's annoying, it is doable.

AnneLovesGilbert Thu 01-Feb-18 22:34:49

You weren’t married when you had her so it makes sense she has your name.

He sounds like a complete flake! She has her name. It’s done. Don’t feel bad, you haven’t done anything to feel bad for! smile

Emboo19 Thu 01-Feb-18 22:35:24

She’s not even two Noqontrol, so she’s no use in making a decision.

No that’s definitely not it TwlightRiver and him having the same half of a surname, wouldn’t be enough for him to take her to live there anyway.

ADishBestEatenCold Thu 01-Feb-18 22:36:42

If the names go well enough together, suggest that he double-barrels his. That way, it could be said, he kept his own name and added his daughter's (not yours).

MsVestibule Thu 01-Feb-18 22:38:18

My DCs were given my surname, although when I married their father, we changed our name to his.

If we'd spilt, no way would I have changed their surname to his. Why would I? Are you the RP or do you share custody? If he keeps threatening to leave, I'm guessing you're the RP?

snowbellj Thu 01-Feb-18 22:41:00

Could you merge the two surnames (rather then double barrel) then all change your names to that one?

Emboo19 Thu 01-Feb-18 22:44:20

I think that’s what makes me feel guilty LRD I know he’d never expect me to not have the same name as her.

I did ADish but he said, that’s still weird and how would that work when he meets someone else and gets married. Which I admit I’d find a bit weird to think that his future wife might end up with my surname.

No court order or anything, but she’s with me the majority of the time.

Emboo19 Thu 01-Feb-18 22:57:15

No I’m definitely not changing my name snowbellj. I like it for one thing and I don’t want the same name as my ex!

LRDtheFeministDragon Thu 01-Feb-18 23:03:22

You shouldn't feel guilty!

It is what it is. You are being very thoughtful. But at the end of the day, it's his issue.

Pixiedust1973 Thu 01-Feb-18 23:15:13

Good for you giving your DD your surname & not pandering to a man that you weren't married to, as so many women do! There really is no issue for you & DD. You don't have to change a thing. Don't allow him to intimidate you. Its his problem, not yours! If DD wants to incorporate his name into hers when she's 18 then its her choice to make, not his!

LizardMonitor Thu 01-Feb-18 23:29:51

Can his name not be added as an extra middle name?

Could the names be double barrelled?

I always feel outraged in behalf of separated mothers who gave the kids their Dad’s name and who then want to add their own name but are refused by their ex.

gateto Thu 01-Feb-18 23:30:25

can you let her use it double barrelled but not legally change? Then her name will still be yours and if she gets older and dad is still in her life she can change legally, and if not its easy to change to single barrel at any time.

Doubt she will want a double barrel when she's old enough to choose!

Emboo19 Fri 02-Feb-18 07:57:49

I always feel outraged in behalf of separated mothers who gave the kids their Dad’s name and who then want to add their own name but are refused by their ex.

That’s what I think, if it were the other way I’d be fuming!! And think he was very unreasonable. I just don’t know.

Emboo19 Fri 02-Feb-18 11:54:17

Does anyone know if there’s anything he can do about changing her name or could it only be with my permission?

GeorgeTheHamster Fri 02-Feb-18 11:57:20

He needs your permission

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