Angry at DH who works long hours...

[umck2014]

DH and I have a 15 months toddler. Lately I've been feeling a bit frustrated because DH has been leaving home early for work (6.15am) and coming home at/after baby's bedtime (7pm ish) which means he rarely sees the LO during the week.

When he comes home, i'm either just about to finish LO's bath/bottle or i could be on the couch right after putting LO to bed. Although he doesn't expect me to have dinner ready every night, he snacks unhealthily and complains feeling crap after. Anyway.

Often when he comes home, the living room is a mess with toys. 7 times out of 10 he would ignore it, and put on the TV and has a crappy dinner (if i didn't make something earlier). That's ALL he does most nights.

So this evening when he came home at 7:15pm, and i was exhausted after a full day of activities/entertaining with our LO. I casually dropped that he was being lazy for having bags of crisps and not making something proper for dinner (for himself). Then he confronted me and commented that i was lazy as the house was a state when he came home.

I was soooo angry when he said it. But i reacted by saying yes i'm bloody lazy because i just stayed home and watch tv all day (he knows i wasn't).

Man I'm just so tired after a long day. I used to be career driven too, but being a FTM is tougher than i expected - it's not only physically tiring, but also mentally. But i don't think my DH 'gets' it?

I have asked him numerous of times to try to come home earlier so he could help out with bedtime routine and all of us could probably have dinner together at a reasonable hour. But it hasn't been happening. He's the latest person to leave the office, and i know his boss and i believe the hours he put in at work is not expected, at least not at this stage of the project anyway. Somehow i believe if he's already putting in this many hours when the project is NOT that busy yet, what happens when it eventually gets busy? I just don't think that's a very smart thing to do, especially at the expense of family time.


I feel like a horrible wife for complaining about a hardworking husband but at the same time being helpless during the week. AIBU to feel like this?

[W0rriedMum]

Just go away for the weekend.. Leave him in charge and have fun!

Can't be less than 48 hours. Everyone can cope for a day..

[ConfusedWife1234]

Could you hire some help?

[Allthewaves]

You critiqued him.and he snapped backed - often happens to two tired parents.

When do u eat your evening meal?

[bellalou1234]

I'd be annoyed too, can you not go out with your friends for day at weekend leave him to have lo?

[student26]

No, not unreasonable at all! Having a baby is exhausting and I can imagine it's harder when they are running around! He was bang out of order to say that to you. Is he able to look after the baby alone for one weekend to see how difficult and draining it can be? And get everything in the house done too?

[umck2014]

@W0rriedMum ahhh i would love that. But he does has a different idea of 'parenting' and 'supervision'. In his world, minding a child at home involves him watching tv and less watching the kid which i find worrying :/ LO has had a couple of fun incidents in the bathroom on his watch. I'd be very reluctant to leave LO with him for that long ....

@Confusedwife i like this idea! Like a child minder? how does it work? I was half thinking to put LO to nursery for half a day maybe twice a week. ..

[HamishBamish]

fromehta you say, the additional hours he’s putting in aren’t necessary. If you are on 1 income do you think he may feel under pressure to perform as he’s the only one earning? Perhaps you should go back to work and reduce the pressure on him and to give you another focus?

[umck2014]

@Allthewaves it's exactly what happened :S
I don't have a set time as such... it depends how tired i am. If i'm not too tired, i'd make a second dinner just for 2 of us, maybe at around 8/8:30. But today i was exhausted so i picked at LO's leftover dinner instead. It was at 6:15pm.

@bellalou @student26 - yeah i possibly could. Just need to organise it. Also need to mentally brave myself it will be ok to leave LO alone with him for the long weekend. But i would not expect any housework will be done. Would rather him focus on the safety of the child

[ReanimatedSGB]

It depends if you think/know that he is putting in extra hours at work because he is anxious about losing his job - or if he's spending extra time at the office drinking coffee, scratching his bollocks and playing Solitaire on his laptop just so he doesn't have to do his share of domestic work and childcare.
Early parenthood is knackering, and scary. It's worth trying to discover what you could do to make things easier (whether that's ready meals, batch cooking, getting a cleaner or asking for help from family members) but if you have a man in the house who is not doing anything like his fair share and also pissing and moaning, then it's going to be a lot more difficult.

[planetclom]

Go away, he will cope because he has to, you can't ignore a baby for 48 hours. Sounds like you have no patients with him and now he can't see the point of trying. I see this over and over with mums blaming dad and moaning, but the second you suggest Dad takes over you hear what a liability he is. Unless he has a chance to prove himself and make his own mistakes he is going to be useless. He doesn't have to do things like you do, my husband forgot to feed our twins once, I got home asked what they had for lunch he looked startled and ran into the kitchen! Nobody died and he never made that mistake again.

Better he learn now than if you are incapacitated and he has that stress as well.

[umck2014]

@HamishBamish it's a good question. Maybe i should chat to him about this some day. Not sure how it works with childcare if i go to work as we have no family around to help out. I might end up working for nothing/v little after tax.

However, from my understanding, i don't think he is though. He's very good at what he does and isn't easily stressed. If he is, he'd have told me.

[Viviennemary]

I think you both need to shape up and have a proper schedule of who is responsible for tidying up at night and who makes the evening meal. He needs to say leave work on time on two evenings a week and come home and after a short sit down start making the meal. You need to have a plan rather than sitting around and calling each other lazy.

[ConfusedWife1234]

umck How does what work? You mean finding a childminder. The first women who helped us minding our little ones had been working for dhs family for a long, long time. Actually as a cleaner, but we knew her and dh knew she was good with kids because she sometimes watched him when he was a kid. Unfortunately she became ill. The woman who know helps us with the kids? We just asked everybody we knew. She worked for another family we know before so we knew she was good with kids.
So we did not go the official route if there is any. I just do not trust people I do not know with my kids.
Nursery sounds like a great idea too. Children love to be around other children, but I am not sure if you can still find a spot in nursery this year. I do not live in GB but where I live all the families wishing to have their child in a nursery must have applied before the first of January.

[VelvetSpoon]

It's tit for isn't it? If you don't want I'm calling you lazy, then don't tell him he's lazy for not wanting to cook when he's been at work for 12-13 hours. That's a fucking long day and no one does that for the hell of it.

Sounds like he is under pressure and worried about money. I don't see the big deal, given you have to cook for your child anyway, in making something in the slow cooker you can all eat. Isn't that easier all round?

[VelvetSpoon]

Him not I'm.

[ConfusedWife1234]

Yep. That‘s true. Why not cook for him and your little one at the same time. I cook, put something for him in the fridge, he calls me before he arrives from work so I can put it in the oven.

You can also bulk cook to safe time.

[umck2014]

@ReanimatedSGB Ha...i'd like to think he was working!?? Nah i do genuinely think he was working. But like what @planetclom and @Viviennemary have suggested (very good tips btw!), we both need to shape up as we have found ourselves in a rut tbh... being tired and snappy at each other. It's not nice... Although it is not every night, i would want to try to avoid it!

[newyearsameme80]

Yes there must be lots of “home after bedtime” procrastination going on up and down the country. I’ve done it myself once or twice.
Could you specify a time for him to come home by (something reasonable but slightly earlier) and make it clear dinner will be ready then. Do that for a couple of nights a week. If he chooses to eat junk otherwise then he’s a grown up, let him be. I do think most people with a sahp don’t expect to cook dinner after work. But that doesn’t excuse the missing bedtime every night.

[CheeseFiend36]

What is he like at the weekends? Does he spend time with you and LO and/or pull his weight around the house?

[Dragongirl10]

sorry op but l don't think you are being fair, you are home looking after a child, he is at work .....fair division of labour.

When he comes home you expect to put your feet up and leave him to cook and tidy? That should be shared equally.

My Dh ( like many) leaves at 6.30am and returns at 7pm ish or later, I had 2 dcs 16 months apart and had no help, but managed a quick tidy up and a meal prepared for us by the time DH came home......it shouldn't be that hard looking after one DC...

It sounds like you are not enjoying being a SAHM.

[LifeBeginsAtGin]

If his diet annoys you can you not prepare a meal for both of you earlier in the day? What are you doing that you can't find 15 mins at some point to get something ready?

If my DH was late I would eat with the children and he would re-heat in the microwave later.

[ConfusedWife1234]

Dragon I think look after one dc is actually more difficult than looking after two, because two can entertain themselves sometimes but one wants to be entertained by you all of the time.

[ineedaholidaynow]

What happens at weekends? Do you both muck in to get all housework and food cooked? Do you have family time together?

[Nanny0gg]

At 15 months you can make a game out of tidying up - put some music on and do it together.

Can your DH come home on time a couple of nights a week to do bathtime and spend time with DC?

[umck2014]

@ConfusedWife yes sorry i wasn't being clear. yeah i meant finding a childminder. What you had was good! I don't trust random people with my kids either. But i think hiring a cleaner would be a good start if his hours stay the same.

I love cooking. I'm actually a very good cook. But i've lost all interest recently because i'm just so tired. So i make the LO grilled fish/steam veg most nights because it's easy... those dinners aren't as nice if reheated. But i really should start bulk cooking again on the weekend and do more slow cooked meals...

@VelvetSpoon Very quick to judge there? Like i sad we have no money pressure, if you're really that concerned.