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Laid down 'rules' to BIL

(61 Posts)
BrightBurn Tue 30-Jan-18 07:53:54

DP's brother (23yo) has asked if he can stay with us for 2 months whilst he works in the area with the hopes to get a new job around here at the end of his temporary contract. We have a tiny house and he'd be staying on a sofa bed.

Now I like BIL but he lacks commitment and doesn't stick to jobs very well. He is also in a bit of debt from online gambling. I've agreed that he can stay but have laid some group rules...

- He is to pay us a set amount of money each week to cover utilities/food etc.
- He can only stay for 2 months, if he plans on staying in the area permanently he can move into a house share, which we will help him do.
- If he quits this job for any reason he is to go straight home to MIL's where he lives.
- His gf can't come over every weekend to stay. Once or twice is fine. We expect him to go to hers (1hr train ride) if he wants to see her (which he usually does on weekends).
- He is to get a bus to and from work. We won't be giving lifts as we both work and have other commitments.

Do they sound fair? DP is going to explain all this to him in a firm but nice way.

Sirzy Tue 30-Jan-18 07:55:40

Sounds more than fair

I would add in about helping with the housework/doing his own washing

MrsMoastyToasty Tue 30-Jan-18 07:57:16

Is he doing his own cooking or are you providing meals?

HolyMountain Tue 30-Jan-18 07:59:08

Seems fair enough to me.

I think you’re being very generous.

Hortonlovesahoo Tue 30-Jan-18 08:02:45

I’d also mention something about cooking/cleaning contribution. Either he has to do x chores per week or needs to prepare meals etc.

Nocabbageinmyeye Tue 30-Jan-18 08:05:53

Add in about cleaning and not taking over the living room

KayaG Tue 30-Jan-18 08:14:57

Sounds fine - agree with those who mentioned sharing chores.

expatinscotland Tue 30-Jan-18 08:16:42

He needs to cook and clean up, too.

All sounds like a recipe for disaster.

bluebells1 Tue 30-Jan-18 08:19:06

I agree. The cleaning/keeping tidy/giving you privacy should be added.

nobutreally Tue 30-Jan-18 08:22:36

I think I'd personally want to agree the logistics of the payment: can he set up a dd so you don't have to be chasing him? It's hard to hassle family for money, so it's easy to get embarrassed about chasing, and then payments start to fall by the wayside: if it's all automatic that makes life easier. If not, maybe agree a day of the week for money to be paid.

Also agree that some discussion/ground rules around:
- him keeping his own space tidy/clean
- cooking and cleaning up
- who's buying food/drink
are probably sensible...

Balearica Tue 30-Jan-18 08:27:59

Since I assume the sofa bed is in your living room, I'd add that he needs to be up by X time every morning and have folded all his stuff away so that the living room is usable and not monopolised by him.

MrsExpo Tue 30-Jan-18 08:29:33

Where is he going to keep his clothes and other stuff? Allocate him a space (drawers/a cupboard or similar) and insist he keeps to it so his gear doesn’t take over your living space. If necessary get two or three of those plastic storage boxes for him to use which can be stacked neatly somewhere. Agree with all of the above. Good luck.

onalongsabbatical Tue 30-Jan-18 08:35:02

Good to see someone on mumsnet who has boundaries in place before disaster strikes, not desperately scrabbling to establish them afterwards. grin

NapQueen Tue 30-Jan-18 08:37:27

Definetly fair, bordering on too kind.

MrsCrabbyTree Tue 30-Jan-18 08:37:32

Ask him to be considerate and not make noise when coming in late at night and not to hog the bathroom/loo especially during peak times.
Do you mind him eating in his room? Playing loud music and having a loud ringtone on a mobile phone which can wake you.

There will be things that crop up that will not be expected... just warning ya. grin

HotelEuphoria Tue 30-Jan-18 08:37:46

Oh god yes, you must add into this:

- you have your own cupboard/shelf in fridge for food which you will cook and wash up after yourself.

The harder fairer you make it the less he is likely to stay or take the piss.

whiskyowl Tue 30-Jan-18 08:40:07

Sounds very smart to have complete clarity right from the start! Good luck!

Riverside2 Tue 30-Jan-18 08:42:16

Too lax
I speak as one who has been in this situation!
The guest doesn't have guests. Maybe in a massive house but you say he's on the sofabed so guessing that isn't the case
He has to go to his girlfriend's, it will drive you nuts having a guest with a guest.

Also, you don't need to help a 23 year old find a house share
What is contribution to chores btw?

Sirzy Tue 30-Jan-18 08:46:40

Also do you have any young children? If so I would consider writing in that he has to look after the children on a couple of occasions to allow you and your partner to go out together if you want!

Biglettuce Tue 30-Jan-18 08:51:45

Oh yes definitely do the rules. It’s way, way better than saying nothing, stuff builds up, then you all fall out.

Wish I could have done this with adult step children... !

MrsCrabbyTree Tue 30-Jan-18 08:57:14

Adding on to my previous post, I think you should be warm and welcoming, but set out some ground rules, so his stay is not so comfortable that he doesn't want to leave. Lots of good advice being given here.

CMOTDibbler Tue 30-Jan-18 09:02:16

I'd say no overnight guests at all, any visitors to be out by x time (assuming that the sofabed is in your sitting room) , and that he's responsible for his own washing, cleaning the room he's staying in, and getting in any food he specifically wants outside your normal shopping. Also that dinner is served at x time, he needs to let you know if he's eating or wants a portion saving.
Because if he's been living with his mum, the chances are he's not going to be used to being a useful member of the house

OOOOOOOOOOO Tue 30-Jan-18 09:09:13

Yes to incuding some housework.

I'd also put it in writing. I used to put things in writing to my own kids sometimes 😂 For example when we bought them a phone, computer or laptop I wrote a contract they had to agree to sign saying no porn, rules about passwords etc etc. We did it in jokey way but it worked for us.

justforthisthread101 Tue 30-Jan-18 09:17:23

Totally fair.

Sounds like it's time for him to grow up anyway

Mrsmadevans Tue 30-Jan-18 09:19:08

I am sorry OP but I don't think this is going to end well. Sorry my dear just that we had My DH bro to stay with us 3 times and it was hell, he promised everything ,ended up not paying , took the piss , basically he used us and abused our hospitality. He relied upon our inate niceness to get his own way and we could not be firm with the boundaries. Needless to say we have gone NC for the past 3 years the relationship has deteriorated over the years so badly .

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