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She's stolen my wedding...

(340 Posts)
daftpink Sat 27-Jan-18 18:07:16

I feel really angry with my BF right now and can't decide if I'm being unreasonable or not...

I am getting married in June - we're having a 'wedding weekend' and have hired a lovely large house & guest cottages with an indoor swimming pool, games room etc from the Friday to Monday for our 25 guests.

We have organised a meal on the Friday night, a BBQ Party for the Saturday after the registry office and then a chilled out pool party on the Sunday.

My BF also has her wedding planned for September - a more formal church affair with sit down dinner etc.

Only now, BF has announced that the wedding plans have changed as she is 8 weeks pregnant....and that she has just booked the same house and is planning to invite close family and friends to join them for a relaxing weekend away to celebrate their wedding - 5 weeks before my wedding!

Our friendship group is the same, so other than family, we will have the same guests.

Basically, now her wedding will be almost the same as mine, but as hers is first, I'm the one that will look like I copied her!

Aibu to be absolutely livid that she's done this to me?

MyBrilliantDisguise Sat 27-Jan-18 18:08:31

That is a really awful thing to do. Cheeky cow!

Phosphorus Sat 27-Jan-18 18:09:45

I assume you've already invited your guests, so they'll know you were first.

It doesn't really matter, treat her wedding as a trial run/problem solving exercise. grin

myrtleWilson Sat 27-Jan-18 18:10:25

Am sure some may say you have no copyright on a wedding plan - however, I do think this is really bad form of your bf (assuming she knows details of yours) Has she acknowledged in any way that she's stealing your thunder?

Schlimbesserung Sat 27-Jan-18 18:10:33

Does it really matter? It's hardly likely to be exactly the same anyway and surely the important thing is your marriage?

DillyDilly Sat 27-Jan-18 18:11:09

Very poor form of her and I’d be sure to tell her your feelings.

helenoftroyville Sat 27-Jan-18 18:11:35

That is a really horrible thing to do.

TrinitySquirrel Sat 27-Jan-18 18:11:57

Tell her she's a cheeky twat. Outright. And then ring up the house and cancel her booking grin

44PumpLane Sat 27-Jan-18 18:12:22

YANBU that's a really shitty thing to do.

Is she so devoid of her own imagination she couldn't think of something else to do, or even some other similar venue.

I got engaged after, but married before, one of my oldest friends and when looking for venues she suggested I look at her venue. Even though we have no crossover friends I told her absolutely not, we would be married within weeks of each other and it was her venue for her to feel special in- It's such bad form!

DextroDependant Sat 27-Jan-18 18:12:38

That's pretty bad! Least you have your invites out already so people will know you were first.

Lifeisabeach09 Sat 27-Jan-18 18:12:43

Wow...friends like that, who needs enemies?!
Cheeky bitch!

Try not to stay too pissed off, you sent your invites first (I assume). It's a close-knit wedding so folks will (should) know the truth.

hidinginthenightgarden Sat 27-Jan-18 18:12:54

It is rather bizarre that she would do this but I agree that people will know she copied because you sent your invites out way before - and if you haven't then do it right now!!

Elementtree Sat 27-Jan-18 18:13:11

Yes YABU. It's a wedding not a unique showcase of venue and catering. Everyone will have a lovely time at your wedding and you'll be just as married at the end of the day as if your friend got hitched at a different place.

Newbieuser1880 Sat 27-Jan-18 18:13:26

I would not be happy either. It just wouldn’t sit well at all.

I would let her know how you feel and check those plans are defiantly concrete.

DextroDependant Sat 27-Jan-18 18:14:13

My sister married in the same venue as me but that was years apart. This is totally different.

specialsubject Sat 27-Jan-18 18:14:21

Bit odd but why is it an issue?

Copying is a playground concept.

ShastaTrinity Sat 27-Jan-18 18:14:33

YANBU to be livid, what a stupid cow. That would be the end of it as far as I am concerned.

You should attend still. The only consolation is that you can take note of all the things that will go wrong and improve for yours.

It sounds early to send invitations, if you haven't yet, I would make sure to take her off the guests list.

Funnyface1 Sat 27-Jan-18 18:14:53

Tell her how you feel.

GreenTulips Sat 27-Jan-18 18:15:17

Are weddings a full weekend now?

I'd be annoyed but you can have different experiences regardless

Tableauz Sat 27-Jan-18 18:15:45

I'd be re-evaluating my friendship and whether I even wanted her and her dp to be part of my 25 wedding guests. People will know she's peed you off and work out pretty quickly why.

Passmethecakeplease Sat 27-Jan-18 18:16:13

Whilst I'd try to see it as flattery I'd be upset too.

ShastaTrinity Sat 27-Jan-18 18:16:45

I don't understand the comments about no one having a copyright. Of course not, but there are so many venues all over the country, why on earth would you chose the same than a close friend.

Same village church: perfectly normal
same village hall: possibly
completely random rented house or destination: very poor taste

Uterusuterusgarlic Sat 27-Jan-18 18:17:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Agyne Sat 27-Jan-18 18:19:11

Nope, I wouldn't go. And I'd tell her why not in very clear English.

ShastaTrinity Sat 27-Jan-18 18:19:42

Are weddings a full weekend now?
They always have been if you have family and friends travelling from a distance. It is pretty standard to have a (very casual) diner the night before, and invite people again at least for lunch after the wedding. Guests are never obliged to attend, but some are grateful for food and hospitality after their trip.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar Sat 27-Jan-18 18:20:00

Bit rude and dim of her to copy your plans; but what the hell is a Wedding Weekend?
I wouldn't go to one, let alone two.

MrsSunflower Sat 27-Jan-18 18:20:27

YANBU! I’d be pretty peeved with that also.....as others have said, hopefully you’ve got your invitations out ahead of her anyway so guests will know that was your plan regardless.

JustVent Sat 27-Jan-18 18:20:53

Oof that would seriously piss me off.

JustVent Sat 27-Jan-18 18:21:25

Have you said anything to her? Will you?

Quick get pregnant and steal her baby name.

Nanny0gg Sat 27-Jan-18 18:22:08

What have you said to her?

petbear Sat 27-Jan-18 18:22:27

#awkward

Not sure what you can do about it though.

Enidblyton1 Sat 27-Jan-18 18:22:47

Wow, your friend is awful!
But as pp have said, everyone will know that she is copying you - so you don't have anything to worry about on that front. And any teething problems with the venue will be sorted out before your wedding. She can be the butt of jokes about how she is the trial run wink
At least the family will be different at each wedding - so it won't be exactly the same guests. How many of your 25 will actually be at her wedding?

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar Sat 27-Jan-18 18:22:49

People aren't going to remember which invitation arrived first when they're actually at the receptions, they'll just know that hers came first and yours is a "God, this again?".

TinklyLittleLaugh Sat 27-Jan-18 18:23:46

I think you would be justified in saying something and also bitching about her to mutual friends and getting them onside. Its a very mean and calculated stroke to pull.

Gazelda Sat 27-Jan-18 18:23:56

I think you have to tell her how disappointed you are. It'll give her and her DF time to have another think and to realise how thoughtless they've been.

Sugarpiehoneyeye Sat 27-Jan-18 18:24:14

That's a low blow, what sort of best friend would even consider doing that. If it was after yours fine. Wow, don't bite your tongue OP, let her know how you feel. Is yours all paid for ?

Myddognearlyatethedeliveryman Sat 27-Jan-18 18:25:31

Cf.
But gives you the chance to tweak anything that's not quite spot on!!

HolyShet Sat 27-Jan-18 18:25:33

looking like you copied her isn't a problem esp if you get your invitations out first

I can see why you'd be peeved if you wanted to something really special for your guests. BUT the guests will be different, surely apart from a couple of good mates, different food, different decoration, different tunes, different couple getting married. If it's lovely people will be happy to go back.

I would just ask her why she possibly thought that was ok though?

OOOOOOOOOOO Sat 27-Jan-18 18:25:34

If you only have 25 guests then presumably after family there can't be that many guests in common? And surely if you both only have 'close' friends attending then they will know she has cancelled her 'more formal church wedding with sit down dinner etc' she was due to have in September so there is zero chance anyone will think you are copying her?

I'm suprised she was able to contact her formal affair and that the rental house was available.

seven201 Sat 27-Jan-18 18:26:23

Blimey. I would be so pissed off. Did you tell her you are upset?

c3pu Sat 27-Jan-18 18:26:44

Bring your own wedding forward? Or change the venue.

KateGrey Sat 27-Jan-18 18:26:51

I’d be really cross and upset. Yes some weddings are similar but this is a direct copy. It’s like she’s had some imagination breakdown and just used your idea. Very selfish.

StealthNinjaMum Sat 27-Jan-18 18:27:19

I'm pretty laid back about weddings and think some women get too precious about their weddings but in this case I completely get how you feel. How awful. I agree with pps, let her know how you feel. Maybe she's desperate to get married in a quick timescale but if that's the case she should've asked you first if you were ok with it.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant Sat 27-Jan-18 18:27:21

Unbloddybelievable!!!

Have you invited all your friends and have they accepted the invites? If so, I would not worry too much, they will be thinking that she is a cow as much as you do.

If you haven’t... start working on plan B ASAP!

TatianaLarina Sat 27-Jan-18 18:27:50

That is really shit.

PaperdollCartoon Sat 27-Jan-18 18:28:03

Very upsetting. You need to tell her that you don’t want to fall out but this is really unfair and rude of her. Is there nowhere else in the country that could have their wedding?!

stopbeingadramallama Sat 27-Jan-18 18:28:11

I'd be annoyed. Tell her how you feel if you haven't already.

Mummyoflittledragon Sat 27-Jan-18 18:28:16

I think you need to tell her how you feel. This really is disrespectful. As others have said, emulation after the event is one thing. But this is something else!

Sally52014 Sat 27-Jan-18 18:28:30

Oh OP, I don’t blame you one bit for being annoyed. That’s infuriating. I’d be ticked off too. If I was in your position I would slap a smile on my face and wouldn’t let her know it was bothering me. I would then ensure that every aspect of my own wedding weekend was better than hers! I am well aware that that makes me seem really petty, but after spending so much time and money and effort planning a wedding last year, it would make me really mad to see someone just swoop in and basically steal my efforts. Your friends will know that she took your venue and wedding idea..smile sweetly and say nothing to anyone!

OOOOOOOOOOO Sat 27-Jan-18 18:29:15

The OP will have sent out her invites ages ago presumably.

rednsparkley Sat 27-Jan-18 18:29:29

My brother and my sister got married at the same venue (not to each other I hasten to add grin ) However the weddings were completely different - different seasons and different guest lists - so they felt like different weddings.

Your "BF" is a massively cheeky bitch and I would be really quite upset by what she has done. And I would tell her so because I am not one to avoid confrontation (I'm not aggressive or anything but I don't go to the lengths some on here do to avoid any sort of confrontation whatsoever)

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant Sat 27-Jan-18 18:30:30

The least thing she could have done was to find another house (probably that is the solution, find another place that is nicer)

YesNotReallyNo Sat 27-Jan-18 18:30:39

I'm suprised she was able to contact her formal affair and that the rental house was available

Why's that then?

aaaaargghhhhelpme Sat 27-Jan-18 18:31:12

So has she sent out the new invites yet? Or has she just told you?

How did she say it?!! I mean. How do you tell someone you've booked their wedding

I was just wondering if any of the mutual friends knew yet. And what they had to say about it

It's so utterly rude. I can't believe she is a friend. I imagine a few people would be put off by the same wedding weekend a month apart

Shamoo Sat 27-Jan-18 18:32:21

I too am normally pretty laid back, and think that people get wayyyy too excited and precious about weddings. But that is absolutely disgraceful behaviour. I would uninvite her from my wedding, and not attend hers.

PoorYorick Sat 27-Jan-18 18:32:54

That's a really terrible thing to do. All the worse because it's really hard to explain why it's so terrible without looking like a Bridezilla. But it is a terrible thing to do.

Have you already invited your guests, or at least sent the save the date cards? If you have, never fear, because she will definitely look stupid.

DiscoSloth Sat 27-Jan-18 18:33:34

I'd be fuming over this. What a cheeky bitch.

I can't believe that there are people on this thread who genuinely wouldn't mind if someone did this to them.

Viviennemary Sat 27-Jan-18 18:33:35

That is just incredibly cheeky of her. I'd have no more to do with her or her wedding. Let everyone know what she's done and tell her as well you won't be going to her wedding and the friendship is over.

daftpink Sat 27-Jan-18 18:35:05

The only family we have coming are my mum and DPs Dad and 2 brothers so there will be a lot of the same friends as guests.

My invites were sent out just before Christmas.

I just can't believe she's done this. She came with me to see the house before I booked it and she knows how long it took me to find the perfect place!

We're going to 9 weddings this year, all traditional church affairs and just wanted to do something a little different.

I have no issue with her changing her wedding plans, or getting married first. I just don't understand why she had to book the same venue!

The house really is spectacular but now i feel like it's just not going to be the same.

MiddleClassProblem Sat 27-Jan-18 18:35:21

Options are a rethink, ways to make yours different still at the venue or get those invites out ASAP.

It’s a dick move.

SparklySeaShell Sat 27-Jan-18 18:35:29

Oh no, that's really bad!! I assume you're going to hers?

At least you can see how it goes and what to do/avoid and make yours better!

Darcychu Sat 27-Jan-18 18:36:23

i would never talk to her again tbh, weddings are something intimate that you dont want shared like that, why couldn't she have booked a different place.

minionsrule Sat 27-Jan-18 18:36:47

I'd be tempted to tell her you are changing the venue due to unspeakable things you have heard about it. Say you are sure it will be fine for her wedding tho. She will frantically be calling round trying to rearrange venues wink

niccyb Sat 27-Jan-18 18:37:06

I can understand her bringing it forward but to copy what you had arranged is a very catty thing to do. I would be having words!

DogTalk Sat 27-Jan-18 18:37:14

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

RowenasDiadem Sat 27-Jan-18 18:37:50

Have you or your friends actually said anything to her yet? Upon telling me my instant reaction whould have been "Why the fuck would you do that? Copy my wedding?!"
Does she really think that it's okay?

gryffen Sat 27-Jan-18 18:38:27

Tell her straight to the face that your unhappy bu6 also you will support her on the day and take notes for improvements you can make for your wedding day.

Aka - tell her to stick it in her pipe and smoke it.

PanannyPanoo Sat 27-Jan-18 18:38:29

How many guests will be going to both? Treat it as a dress rehearsal, and enjoy the weekend.

Emmageddon Sat 27-Jan-18 18:38:35

That's really thoughtless of her. Tell her how pissed off you are at her stealing your idea. I bloody would. Surely she can find somewhere else to host her wedding? It's only January.

ReggaetonLente Sat 27-Jan-18 18:38:52

This is bad.

One of my friends ACTUALLY stole another friend's wedding though. Friend's engagement ended, they broke up, and she cancelled all plans, the venue etc. Other friend got engaged... and booked the same venue, same day. Think she even got a discount as it was a cancellation. Friend never said a word but I did wonder how she must have felt attending her own wedding day... but for someone else!

TinklyLittleLaugh Sat 27-Jan-18 18:39:29

So what have you said to her? I honestly think it would be a friendship dealbreaker for me, for someone to be so uncaring about my feelings. And I am the least Bridezilla person ever.

Where is this house by the way, sounds ideal for my wedding in November?

MiddleClassProblem Sat 27-Jan-18 18:39:43

Or tell her you’ve gone for a te noihydc wedding. That’ll throw her.

TinklyLittleLaugh Sat 27-Jan-18 18:41:26

Reggae at least it wasn't the same groom.

bettydraper31 Sat 27-Jan-18 18:41:43

If you’ve sent your invites out already then surely everyone knows you chose that venue first and she is the one copying you x

Biglettuce Sat 27-Jan-18 18:41:52

Yes it’s a bit weird!

Definitely best to rise above it though. Go to her wedding and don’t say anything. But if anyone else does, say ‘Yes it’s a bit odd that she chose exactly the same place... it would have been better if she’d chosen her own ‘

I guarantee all the guests will be thinking less of her, and more of you. It reveals her, not you.

Orlandsundry Sat 27-Jan-18 18:43:06

I would do what someone else on here suggested and think of her wedding as a dry run for yours. What could you do differently, what works what doesn't etc.
I'm quite old, but remember the most important part of my wedding day was that all of my friends and family were in the same place. The venue wasn't really that important.
You will have a whole lifetime with your DH and although this is all a bit annoying, it's your marriage and your family and friends that will make it for you.

daftpink Sat 27-Jan-18 18:44:05

She can't see the problem and thinks I'm overreacting.

She will be having a sit down meal after her ceremony but that is the only difference really - same restaurant for the Friday, same registry office, and chilling out in the pool on Sunday.

missymisdemeanor Sat 27-Jan-18 18:45:03

What did you say when she told you?

Cake20189 Sat 27-Jan-18 18:45:04

Cheeky bitch!!!!!

Cake20189 Sat 27-Jan-18 18:45:20

Show her this thread

Italiangreyhound Sat 27-Jan-18 18:45:43

It does sound a shitty thing to do.

Please do tell her how you feel, if you want to. Otherwise you may carry this anger around for a while.

My advice would be not to be bitter or angry to others, it won't look good and will make you seem on the back foot.

If you really feel you cannot go to her wedding because of this, I'd just tell her now, or cancel on the day due to 'illness' (sick of your friend).

I'd view her wedding as a prequel to your own and make everything better, classier and more memorable. Petty. I know, but that is what I would do. Have the garden filled with candels at sundown, or special chair covers, or amazing decorations in the venue or a cake that is make of profiteroles like the French.

www.craftsy.com/blog/2013/10/french-wedding-cakes/

If you want to switch venue for yours then do. You may lose the deposit but it may feel worth it, or they may be able to re-book and you not lose anything. This would only be my choice if I really could not face having the wedding in the same place.

Hullygully Sat 27-Jan-18 18:47:00

Poo in the pool the minute you arrive and scream loudly during the ceremony because you see a ghost.

Emmageddon Sat 27-Jan-18 18:47:04

Ask her how she'd feel if she'd booked her wedding first and you copycatted the whole damn thing, for a few weeks before hers? She's being ridiculous and not a very good friend. You are not overreacting!

Thierryhenryneedisaymore Sat 27-Jan-18 18:47:10

She is a cow for doing that. It is unforgiveable. Perhaps go to her wedding, and then cut her dead after (before??!!) Your wedding.

I would not lose any sleep over ditching a so called friend who did that.

Ohyesiam Sat 27-Jan-18 18:47:16

I came on to say ooh grow up, but I think that is awful. You need to speak to her

MavisPike Sat 27-Jan-18 18:47:21

the only reason she cant see a problem with it is because she is getting married first , cheeky cow
can some of your friends have a word ?

Italiangreyhound Sat 27-Jan-18 18:47:44

@daftpink do you need to use a registry office, could you have the ceremony at the venue, that would be a big difference. Or at another beautiful location?

Your friend is either very dim, or a good actress if she cannot see what a cheeky disrespectful thing this is to do.

Make your wedding 100 times better!

DancesWithOtters Sat 27-Jan-18 18:48:16

That's really shit.

caffeinequick Sat 27-Jan-18 18:49:01

Honestly I'm not sure I'd mind if it was a good friend of mine.

twilightsparkles Sat 27-Jan-18 18:49:13

Quick get pregnant and steal her baby name
most hilarious response I've read so far

In all honestly i'm getting married and if my bff got engaged soon and chose the same place as me but earlier I'd be gutted there are a thousand other cottages/houses/venues . I would explain my feelings and if she doesn't like it and it causes a fuss I wouldn't class her as a bff anyway. its not a nice thing to do really i wouldn't dream of it. TBH I'm not friends with anyone I went to school with anymore but because most have used local venues I chose somewhere different i wouldn't want the same wedding I wanted unique. If shes intent on doing it and you want to save the relationship I would do what the rest say and class it as a trial run. just make sure you dont tell her anything else

MaryPoppinsPenguins Sat 27-Jan-18 18:49:41

Have you pointed this out to her?

My future SIL did a similar thing to me, booked the same venue but a few months before me with an almost identical guest list... I didn’t want to compete so I cancelled mine and DH and I just went on holiday and got married there.

AcrossthePond55 Sat 27-Jan-18 18:50:16

I'm usually one of the first of the 'you don't own <child's name> <wedding venue>' but that's really tacky.

But at least your invites have already gone out so people will know you booked it first. And I wouldn't be above letting anyone (everyone) know it either (if it could be done somewhat subtly).

Italiangreyhound Sat 27-Jan-18 18:51:15

The most important thing really is you are marrying your beloved!

Yes @Orlandsundry "You will have a whole lifetime with your DH and although this is all a bit annoying, it's your marriage and your family and friends that will make it for you"

Royalfuckup Sat 27-Jan-18 18:51:55

She doesn’t see a problem?

Then the real problem is that she is an entitled cow.

TheAntiBoop Sat 27-Jan-18 18:52:11

Thinking back to your friendship, is this really out of character or has she shown signs of competitiveness?

Royalfuckup Sat 27-Jan-18 18:53:01

But at least your invites have already gone out so people will know you booked it first. And I wouldn't be above letting anyone (everyone) know it either (if it could be done somewhat subtly).

This definitely.

jerrysbellyhangslikejelly Sat 27-Jan-18 18:55:11

Wow that's so lousy and odd, I think I'd be telling her that straight and finding myself otherwise engaged that day as she should be for yours.

BackToBasics4 Sat 27-Jan-18 18:55:40

Maybe your guests will think it's off too, especially as they received an invite for your wedding first. If I received an invite to a friends wedding then a while later received an invite from her bf with the same venue etc I'd think it was odd and not a nice thing to do.

TournesolsetLavande Sat 27-Jan-18 18:56:12

If she refuses to see why you have a problem with this then she's not really your best friend at all.

mumpoints Sat 27-Jan-18 18:56:37

Well you'll have five weeks to correct her mistakes. Think of it as a dress rehearsal for yours!

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