irresponsible husband car related

[Larryduff]

AIBU my husband is very 'laid back' (he would say, I say just lazy and careless) when it comes to car maintenance. It's one of his very few responsibilities as he uses the car to commute to work every day, I barely use it. It was serviced last summer and he was advised to replace all of the tyres within a few months/so many 1000 miles after the service. I've had to nag him numerous times to do it and every time I'm greeted with the same incredulous eye rolling reaction so I try not to say anything (this is recurrent theme in our relationship but that's another story).

Yesterday he had to take the car in to get the headlights replaced as they stopped working and when I saw the report it said the tyres were 'dangerously below the legal limit' and measured 0.5mm. He said he had to sign some sort of waiver so they would do the work.

I didn't get angry but I told him I was shocked and upset that he'd let it get to that point, driving himself and us and the kids around with such a dangerous car, not only risking our safety and other peoples but also risking a hefty fine if we got pulled over. His reaction was along the lines of 'so what, nothing's happened, you're overreacting.' Also suggesting that because he didn't know it was that bad I can't be angry with him.

I then asked him to leave the car at home and I would take it to the local garage so he didn't have to drive it another 50 miles like that but he insisted on taking to work and getting them done at kwik fit in his lunch break.

I ignored him all last night and he just carried on acting like I was being OTT and eventually I confronted him and said I felt like I couldn't trust him (this is the latest in a long history of laziness and neglect and an attitude of leave it to the last minute and someone else (me) will probably do it) and he just threw it back in my face.

I just want to know if other people think he's in the wrong and should have at least apologised. If it was me I would've been mortified (not that I would have ever let it get to that point but I could give him the benefit of the doubt if he showed a bit of remorse).

[PoisonousSmurf]

Maybe you should take over the looking after the car. He clearly can't 'adult'.

[Youshallnotpass]

YANBU

0.5mm is basically driving around on slick tyres, in the wet they will not grip the road properly and in an emergency breaking situation your stopping distance would be much much higher than normal.

That car in its current state is a danger to you and to everyone else on the road. I hope if he decides to drive it he gets pulled - it would be 3 points per tyre under the legal limit.

Your husband is an arse

[cookiedough1]

You are not in much of a position to be demanding an apology. You also knew the car needed tyres but were happy enough for you and DC to be driven about in it.

[slbhill42]

He is putting the safety of you and your children at risk, as well as his own. I wouldn't get in that car.
YANBU he is totally in the wrong, there is no doubt to give him the benefit of.

[Youshallnotpass]

I didn't get angry but I told him I was shocked and upset that he'd let it get to that point

Also - get angry, its extremely irresponsible

[Jdabbers]

What PoisonousSmurf said

I brought a brand new car which I let my DP drive as my commute to work was over 120 mile round trip a day and his 3

In a month he’s damaged 2 alloys and there was a scratch the length of the car...

I took it away and he hasn’t dared asked to drive it since.

Behave like a child treat like one

[Larryduff]

You're probably right cookie but I do everything for the house family and have a full time job so I can't do car maintenance as well, I have to be able to trust him. The last time I asked him about the tyres was just around christmas and he insisted they were ok

[specialsubject]

I don't give a toss about him or your kids but I do give a toss if your fuckwit husband kills or injures someone I care about.

take the keys and fix the thing before it happens. If you don't have time to maintain a car, sell it.

[harshbuttrue1980]

If you had been that bothered, you'd have taken it to a garage yourself. Honestly, is taking a car to Kwik Fit such a hassle for either of you??

[Larryduff]

harsh I wanted to take to the garage but sadly I can't mind control my husband. I could've had a screaming row with him over it but that would've only resulted in everyone getting upset including my 3 year old son and he still would've driven it to work so I don't think that's the best approach.

[cookiedough1]

do everything for the house family and have a full time job so I can't do car maintenance as well

That's a cop out. If you know it's fucking dangerous to the point where it could take people's lives then you can't sit back in denial and say It's his job. You were aware so you have a level of responsibility as well, even if it's just to say to him, book the car in asap, every day until he does.

[cookiedough1]

I could've had a screaming row with him over it but that would've only resulted in everyone getting upset including my 3 year old son

I would take a screaming row over death any day of the week. Stop being so passive.

[Bluelady]

Grab the car keys, take it to tyre fitters, go home. Simple, you're endangering your children and other people. You know there's a problem and you're as bad as he is if you don't fix it.

[Larryduff]

cookie you missed out he would've still taken the car. I don't want my son growing up around screaming rows. He knew how I felt about it and took it anyway.

[RadioGaGoo]

Yes OP. Clearly you haven't nagged your DH enough. The poor man can't be expected to so something without your input.

[cookiedough1]

larry Im not talking about now, this has been an issue for MONTHS you have both known since the summer that the tyres needing replacing soon.

You may not want your son to grow up being subjected to rows, but you want him to grow up right?

[Larryduff]

bluelady I found out about this last night, after the garage was closed. I wanted to take the car this morning but he wouldn't let me. I know this is AIBU and I should expect some abuse but wtf? Unless you know some kind of mind control tricks, if so please share

[cookiedough1]

Fuck sake OP nobody is abusing you

Get yourself a grip. You knew last summer as well as he did. It was no surprise when you found out last night. You knew it needed doing, you ignored the fact and put lives in danger.

[ny20005]

Why couldn't you have taken the car keys & hidden them ?

If he'd driven off on illegal tires, I think I'd have reported him to police

[Ljlsmum]

Tell him you're taking over car maintenance and he gets to do all the washing, cooking etc. If he's going to be such an irresponsible lazy arse you need to make his life uncomfortable until he realises he's a grown man and has responsibilities.
I'd also be annoyed with the fact you're going to look like a prize idiot at the garage if you take the car in so lay that on him as well !

[Larryduff]

cookie no, that's not quite right, what I did was I trusted my husband. As I said, after the service the garage said they would need replacing at some point and they should be monitored. I trusted him to monitor them as the car is his responsibility. I get what you're saying but it kind of misses the point of what I'm asking, which is more about our relationship than about the car.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

He’s been driving on illegal tyres in the snow. Your husband is an idiot.

[WhendoIgetadayoff]

He’s clearly not pulling his weight. This is just your last straw as it’s thing he’s supposed to do. But he didn’t. He’s showed he doesn’t care, you have all mental load and he’s ignoring. Get him to read some articles about mental,load tell him to step up to the partnership and give him couple months to change and start taking his share.
He’ll either amaze you and do it or the more likely groan like he did last night and not change.
So then you put up and shut up or leave.
You shouldn’t be doing everything and you should expect him to be an adult.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Make it clear you won’t travel in an unsafe car. Would you go in the car with a drink driver? My husband is a stubborn arse too. We have screaming rows sometimes. It’s the only way I’ve found for it to be effective along with strong boundaries. That’s often difficult though as Im chronically ill.

[iceallmighty]

I'd be really pissed off aswel op.
I also work full time and organise all household finances,inc his car insurance and tax etc. I also organise the three dc stuff in school and out,dental,optitions,hospital etc etc you get my drift.
The only thing paperwork wise dh had to do was send off the log book when he sold his bike last year.
He left it on kitchen side the day he sold it and I told him he knew where stamps and envelopes weee and he could do it as I do everything else.
Needless to say he forgot on more than one occasion and has now been slapped with a penalty for it.
His fault. Should have acted like a grown up and sorted it out.
He had a fit when he opened the penalty notice and I just calmly said well it's your fault you didn't send it off,can't be added with anyone else but yourself and left it at that.
I'm his wife and mother to his kids,not his pa or mother and I find it quite undesireable to feel like your having to parent the other adult that's meant to be on same wavelength as you are.