DP is away and I'm mad at him...

[NomsQualityStreets]

He is due back tomorrow, been away for a week for work. Contact has slowed down as the days went on.
He's busy seeing clients through the day then taking them out in the evening for drinks/meals so not much chance to speak, I get it.

But DS1 is ill and had been missing him loads. Last night he climbed out of his cot at 1am with his runny nose and teary eyes and started asking for daddy. DP knows this.
We had a 1 min conversation on the phone this morning which he cut off as he had to speak to someone, that's ok.
But I text him and asked if he could give us a call when he has time as DS is sad, unwell and keeps bringing me the phone asking to call daddy.

DS bedtime rolls around and no contact, he has read the messages as I could see on whatsapp they're open. I tried to video call him because DS was really upset and giving me the phone and it kept saying contact is on another call. He finally called 20mins after DSs bedtime, he was lucky I ran late putting him down because I was juggling him and baby, and DP just about managed to give up 5mins of his precious time before he had to go and get ready to go out for another meal/drink night, he seemed quite distracted too.
It turned out he was speaking to a friend from abroad when I tried calling earlier (after seeing texts from me) - I didn't say anything but it annoyed me a lot.

AIBU to be peeved he didn't prioritise DS just to tell him good night even though he knew he was missing him and decided to call someone else instead?

I am prepared to be told IBU but TBH I have just spent a week alone with a baby and ill toddler and my mental state is not intact.

[bigchris]

Yes that sounds a bit shit, I'd have expected a bit more tbh

[Leeds2]

I would've expected more too.

[Notasperfectasallothermners]

In his defence maybe he felt too shitty about not being there for ds he couldn't face the call.
When my exh was working late once too often (after being unemployed) and I rang for him to speak to ds his boss /mate told me later that he had pulled the van over and actually cry he felt so guilty that ds was struggling with him working.
Sorry you have had a crappy week - poorly dc are draining.

[MooPointCowsOpinion]

Definitely shit. And I’m suspicous, what’s so important he can’t talk to his ill son, is he really busy 24 hours a day on this trip?!

[MrsMaxwell]

It’s shit. Do you have ?

[FarmerSee]

I don't expect much contact from DH when he works away, and I don't pressure him to either. But he ALWAYS makes time to say goodnight to me & DS and tell us he loves us, even if it's just a quick 2 min call. Even if it makes him slightly late for a business meal.

Id be hurt too if he waited until after DSs bedtime to call, and then only did so because I'd had to remind him with texts.

[Dairymilkmuncher]

My DH can be like this on some of his many Work trips if there's a magical answer on here I would love to know....

It was overwhelming for him at the start juggling himself and his own dinner and work load and meetings but as the trips have become frequent and so has my moaning the communication has got a lot better (still not ideal) and I agree with the above poster about the guilt the dads feel when the kids are sick and upset and they can't just come home and give the kids a cuddle it's heartbreaking for them. Missing first steps and words etc etc

**Ideal for me is constant calls and texts for gossip and company and I know it's just not possible giving me all the attention I desire and holding down a job

[mumonashoestring]

I didn't say anything but it annoyed me a lot

The only unreasonable part of your post. Would have been perfectly reasonable to tell him that HIS FUCKING CHILD was desperate to talk to him, he KNEW his child was desperate to talk to him and he was, quite frankly, being a shit. Since you've not confronted him at the time I suggest you sit him down when he gets home and tell him his priorities are out of whack.

[NomsQualityStreets]

@MrsMaxwell unfortunately I'm EBF DS2 so no for me.

@Dairymilkmuncher I don't think it's overwhelming for him. He has been away before for 2-3nights but never for a week. He doesn't have to worry about food as breakfast and lunch is provided and as I mentioned in the evenings he's usually entertaining clients or socialising with other people in his field over dinner at restaurants etc

I just don't get it, I know he's got a lot going on, just been promoted too but I had the strong urge to head butt him over the phone when he said he was chatting to someone else knowing DS has been asking for him.

[timeisnotaline]

I would have told him what I thought. So YANBU. Next time ask shall we bother to message you or is it another ‘what family?’ Trip?

[NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom]

Sorry but this is utterly shit behaviour on his part, even if his child wasn't sick he should have taken the time to call & speak to both you & the children no-one is that fucking busy that they can't spare 5 mins for a phone call to their family This is made more obvious by him chatting to someone else when you tried to call him...

[NomsQualityStreets]

He asked me to drop him a text later before he hung up - I don't think so.

[ZoopDragon]

I'd cut him some slack. He's on a work trip not a holiday, working through the evenings too (dining out with clients can be exhausting). I don't think it's fair to expect him to call or video chat during work hours unless it's urgent.

Better to focus on managing your DS' expectations- instead of telling him daddy will call later, say daddy is very busy working and might not be able to chat for a few days. Then if he does call it's a bonus.

[Originalfoogirl]

In his defence maybe he felt too shitty about not being there for ds he couldn't face the call. That is a shockingly lame excuse.

dining out with clients can be exhausting
Yes, all that eating, and drinking, and chatting. Just exhausting.

I’d far rather spend my evenings alone with a baby and a poorly toddler than having to go through all that entertaining.....🙄

[Sprinklestar]

Have you had a break whilst he’s been away? Some time to yourself? Or have you effectively been a single parent whilst he’s been away (bar the money side of things, which he’s presumably earning)? To my mind, once you have a young family, you don’t take a role that necessitates working away regularly. It impacts far too much on the other parent’s opportunity to work, as well as making them the default parent for the evenings and weekends the working partner is away. That’s simply not fair on anyone.

[LizzieSiddal]

My Dh works away a lot. I didn’t exiect too much from him as I knew it was very full on. However if one of his dds was ill, he would have prioritised the dc, no matter what.

I would be having a conversation when he comes back, to find out what was going through his mind that he forgot to ring his ill toddler.

[justaweeone]

'They are on a different planet '
My Dh is fab but they have this ability 'to check out' that I could never do.
My Dc are 14 and 19 (Dd is at uni)and it doesn't get any easier as I'm the one on the phone and checking in general.

[LizzieSiddal]

Please excuse typos!

[RebeccaWrongDaily]

i just wouldn't be guilting anyone away to ring a sick toddler, if they're anything like mine a phone call from daddy would be more upsetting / confusing than anything else.

I know it's shit, but don't use the kids to guilt him into feeling shit that you are at home and he's away. it's not a competition.

If he was down the pub while you were at home, I can understand being annoyed, but away on work? Having done that, your time is not really your own.

[MumJ21]

My OH works away a lot but always without fail sends a message to say goodnight to me LO or calls even if only for 30 seconds. He knows how much it pisses me off when he doesn’t so always makes sure he makes time to do it if not for me but for our LO. Tell him how you feel!

[bigsighall]

I work away a lot. It’s really hard when you have to constantly be with clients / dashing from one place to another. There’s rarely downtime.
It is shit but he might not be doing it on purpose.

[Crinkle77]

I am with zoop here. He's working and is probably expected to network etc... And it not be easy to get away at a particular time.

[speakout]

OP I am sorry you have had a bad week.

My OH worked away a great deal when the kids were young, sometimes they were ill too. It's really not ideal.

I don't know how old your DS is but could he be picking up on your feelings?
My eldest was like my little barometer, had a real 6th sense for how I was feeling and acted accordingly.
When my OP was away I would keep the atmosphere and lovely as possible, ordered cuddly bedtimes, warm drinks in the evening, extra cuddles and fully blankets.
Could your DS be tuning into the sadness and agitation you feel, I just wonder if in some way you are actually causing him to feel some distress.
If he overhears you speaking to you OH in a slightly exasperated way, or senses some frustration in your voice if you mention that daddy might phone.
I know my kids would have picked up on that and been upset, no matter how I tried to hide it.

I quite enjoyed OH being away ( I still do) - the house always worked like clockwork, everything was calm and ordered. Even though my DS had health issues during his younger years.

Shoot me down if I am way off the mark, just know how things would be with my children if I was frustrated.

[letsdolunch321]

I would be very angry, a call takes 10mins max. MEN !!!!!

[NomsQualityStreets]

@Sprinklestar I've effectively been a single parent. It's been 24/7 as DS2 is only 6 weeks.
But his job only takes him away once a year, up to now it's always been for 2-3 nights only.

@RebeccaWrongDaily it's not a competition. And it doesn't confuse DS it actually settles him as he gets to see his dad and say goodnight to him, if you read what I wrote DS was bringing me the phone himself asking to call daddy. I'm hardly guilting him I've just dropped him a text, or should I just suck it up and tell DS daddy won't call because he'd rather chat to a mate?