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To think my brother should be paying for his childcare?

(90 Posts)
goodnamesweretaken Tue 23-Jan-18 15:03:28

My older brother had a baby this year, and my mother moved from the south up to Scotland in order to be closer to him, his baby and his wife. It's her first grandchild (none from me quite yet ;) !) so she was really excited to be around. Property was cheaper up there too, so she got rid of her mortgage and bought a little cottage a short drive from them.

Her plan was to get a part time job there, and then care for the baby a couple of days a week. However, since she arrived about 9 months ago, she hasn't got work, instead looking after the child from 8-5 every day whilst he works from home and his wife is out at the office.

She doesn't have a lot of money, and is not on any kind of benefits, so is just chewing through her remaining savings, of which I know there is not much. AIBU to think that my brother and his wife, who both earn decent money, should be paying her something for the childcare she is providing? It seems to me she is effectively subsidising their lifestyle, and not standing up for herself. What can I do - I have tried to talk to my brother gently about it but he becomes extremely defensive and goes on about how stressed he is and how difficult his life is. I have tried to encourage my mother to get a job but she seems to have lost all confidence since she moved. She doesn't feel able to ask them for any money.

myusernamewastaken Tue 23-Jan-18 15:17:36

What is going to happen Op when your mums savings run out...how will she pay her bills etc...
I think you need to ask her what her future plans are.

mishfish Tue 23-Jan-18 15:23:23

I have tried to talk to my brother gently about it

I think you need to be more than gentle. If my brother was taking the piss like that I’d be livid.

Commuterface Tue 23-Jan-18 15:23:44

How old is your mother? Is it long before she can draw a pension?

I'm prepared to be told I'm wrong but I'm not sure that your mum can be paid for that amount of childcare if she is not a registered childminder. Your brother paying her expenses is of course another matter...

I'm afraid your mum is going to have to grow some balls here OP and tell your brother that childcare is impacting on her ability to find employment (I'll bet that is a big part of her not being able to find a job, that she is being choosy around childcare commitments!) and she won't be able to look after the baby until she is on her feet financially.

etap Tue 23-Jan-18 15:31:39

TBH, it was her decision and ultimately fault. Who just ups and moves 400+ miles just to be nearer a grandchild without any plans or promises? Madness.

NerrSnerr Tue 23-Jan-18 15:32:13

Even though it seems like he’s taking the piss it’s between your mum and brother. She needs to bring it up with him if she wants to be paid or if she needs to do less childcare in order to work.

Shmithecat Tue 23-Jan-18 15:38:14

Depending on your dms circumstances, she could be eligible to claim NI credits

goodnamesweretaken Tue 23-Jan-18 15:43:23

Agreed - I am just thinking of how to manage the fallout.

Pengggwn Tue 23-Jan-18 15:45:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

goodnamesweretaken Tue 23-Jan-18 15:48:17

Yes, it will be a good few years before she will get a pension unfortunately.

Mosaic123 Tue 23-Jan-18 15:48:20

Tackle it from a different angle?

With her permission, can you look for some suitable jobs for her and help her with her CV/applications? She probably doesn't have time to do so!

If she has an interview and then gets a job she won't be able to look after the child all the time.

goodnamesweretaken Tue 23-Jan-18 15:48:54

Yes, it will be a good few years before she will get a pension unfortunately.

donners312 Tue 23-Jan-18 15:49:23

Could you talk to your SIL instead?

goodnamesweretaken Tue 23-Jan-18 15:49:25

Yes, it will be a good few years before she will get a pension unfortunately.

KimmySchmidt1 Tue 23-Jan-18 15:49:35

My mum is Terrible with money - I think it is partly generational as although she works my dad did all the grown up finances and she used her hefty income as pocket money. She hates dealing with or talking about money, but I think you need to force the issue with both her and your brother because the current situation is clearly ridiculous and untenable.

goodnamesweretaken Tue 23-Jan-18 15:50:53

Sorry, my posts being weirdly duplicated there!

goodnamesweretaken Tue 23-Jan-18 15:50:54

Sorry, my posts being weirdly duplicated there!

NoMoreUsernames Tue 23-Jan-18 15:51:54

I think at the very least your mother would have to register as self employed in order to receive payment for childcare and complete an annual self assessment, not sure whether she needs to be a registered CM. I know someone who looks after her GC full time, the parents don't pay her in cash but they buy all her shopping, pay her bills etc. That is the very least your db should be doing.

Bluelady Tue 23-Jan-18 15:54:03

She needs her NI credits or she won't get a full pension. She's seriously screwing up her old age. Or at least he's screwing it ip for her.

goodnamesweretaken Tue 23-Jan-18 15:56:29

Ugh i hadn't even thought about the NI contributions...

ExConstance Tue 23-Jan-18 15:59:42

A friend of my mother did this. She moved to Wales to be close to son and d-I-l and to care for her granddaughter. She knew no one else there and was devastated when son and d-I-l divorced, d-I-l moved away and turned granddaughter against her. Son then died leaving her with a sadly very empty life. OP, your mother needs to take some action soon.

StealthPolarBear Tue 23-Jan-18 16:05:10

I thought the issue of childcare and payment was OK if family

Bellamuerte Tue 23-Jan-18 16:06:20

Your mum must surely know what her financial situation is and has obviously made a decision to live on her savings for now. The situation can't continue forever because the savings will run out, and your mum must know this. Perhaps she wants to have this time off to spend with her grandchild and is happy to live on her savings until they're gone? Have you asked what her plans are?

Witchend Tue 23-Jan-18 16:07:03

Is it though him saying "you are doing this for free"?

It may just as well be her saying "oh I'd love to have dgc all the time, no don't pay me".

ruleshelpcontrolthefun Tue 23-Jan-18 16:11:28

I paid my DM. She used to collect DD from nursery 3 days a week so we only had to pay half days. I paid my mum about £20 a day (the extra money I would have paid nursery had DM not been around). We could afford it and it helped my mum out. She wouldn't have taken more, just what we would have spent anyway.

So yes, your brother should pay her since he can and it'd help her.

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