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to think that I'm not heartless or cruel

(76 Posts)
damelorente Tue 23-Jan-18 11:56:32

because I don't want to share a bed with my 5 year old?

MIL told me I am. She lets DS share her bed when he has sleepovers at her house. I have never liked to bed share; he has always been in his own cot, then bed. On the few occasions we have had to bed share (when staying with relatives etc) I have hated it. DS could pass for 6/7 and takes up so much room. He always wants to be lying on top of you/right next to you. I can't just push him off the way I would with DH if he was being overly cuddly and annoying to me. I have never had a good nights sleep with DS in the bed. Its like torture to me.

I think beds are for sleeping/sex. We don't have a TV or anything interesting to do in our bedroom. MIL has a TV and lets DS eat snacks, play on the ipad an generally chill out before falling asleep in bed with her. This is obviously no kind of bed time routine so we would not do it at our house anyway.

He has sometimes cries to be allowed to sleep in our bed and its getting me down, especially after MIL told me I am heartless and cruel and should just let him sleep in our bed. She said I am worse than an animal, that even animals sleep with their young. Some animals also eat their young. We are not animals so I find this a pointless comparison.

I don't want to see DS upset but I also don't want him in our bed, making me have a terrible nights sleep, feeling groggy and tired at work, ruining mine and DH's sex life and so on.

AIBU to think I'm not cruel?

toooldforthisshirt37 Tue 23-Jan-18 12:00:13

Co sleeping is just another one of those choices that people make for themselves and their families.

I chose to co-sleep, not because I am a mammal, but because I liked it and didn't sleep well without my dc in beside me.

If you don't sleep well and end up tired, irritable and resentful then no, you shouldn't co sleep. There are lots of other opportunities for affection and bonding, so long as you are taking advantage of these, then I say your MiL should butt out. Not her bed, not her business!

SexandDrugsandaNiceCuppa Tue 23-Jan-18 12:10:03

You're not remotely cruel - DD is a nightmare to share with, I always say it's like sleeping with a drunk octopus! I avoid it and have done since she was big enough to thrash around, (she's 9 now). I don't think that makes me cruel, and we have a fantastic close relationship. I'd tell your mil that she can do what she likes in her own bed, but you will be doing what you like in yours. Your son will soon learn that it's different rules at granny's house, just be consistent at home.

Bit on the fence with this really. I co-slept with my three mostly by accident before it became and active choice and get that co-sleeping isn’t for anyone. But the odd night in mums bed is different to co-sleeping and although we get a crap nights sleep ds2 who is nearly 8 now and very very rarely asks still gets into bed with us occasionally if he is unwell or had a bad dream or something. Dd who is 14 and ds1 who is nearly 13 don’t ask and I couldn’t tell you the last time they did so it’s not as if it lasts forever.
I wouldn’t go so far as to say it’s cruel but I also don’t think it’s a big deal to do t once in a while either. I still remember sleeping with my mum at night if my dad was away on a course or something and I loved it and for that reason I wouldn’t turn one of my children away in the night if they needed a cuddle and some reassurance but I wouldn’t judge someone that did do that.

strawberrypenguin Tue 23-Jan-18 12:12:55

God no. There’s no way my kids are sharing my bed. I like my space and to be able to roll over. DH and I even have separate duvets because we couldn’t share one! The cat on my feet I don’t mind but another person laying over me - no way

dannydyerismydad Tue 23-Jan-18 12:14:35

I have vivid memories of climbing into my parents bed when I was young and had a nightmare or felt sad or scared. For that reason I wouldn't deny my son the same comfort, but I'm glad that he rarely joins me any more. It's not comfortable or enjoyable.

Notasperfectasallothermners Tue 23-Jan-18 12:15:41

I have many many dc and not one has ever slept in my bed.
I am not cruel, personal choice and I chose to be selfish and have my bed to myself (+dh!)
I ebf in bed as babies but back in the moses basket after a feed.

juddyrockingcloggs Tue 23-Jan-18 12:16:51

We co-sleep with our huge (he seems even bigger when he's taking all the room up!) child. He sets off in the night by himself in his own room but comes in at whatever time he feels like it!

That's our choice and we're happy with it!

However, you're not and that's fine!

I think your MIL is being out of order, your not heartless or cruel you just do things differently. When he sleeps at her house then it's fine, no biggie but he is going to have to understand that in your house the rules change and it's a treat that Nanna allows when he stops there.

Blackteadrinker77 Tue 23-Jan-18 12:17:51

My children never shared my bed.

Your MIL should not be telling you are heartless over such a small thing. I can't think how she'd re act over something major.

VileyRose Tue 23-Jan-18 12:18:16

I hate to sleep without my DH so I understand why my baby wants me too x

EggsonHeads Tue 23-Jan-18 12:18:23

You're not but your MIL is a tiny bit. She must be a really cold bitch to say things like that.

Bouledeneige Tue 23-Jan-18 12:19:00

No I didnt like bed sharing either, i like my space. I only did it if I had to when away at friends for the weekend or on holiday. I'm also a firm believer that children need to learn to get themselves to sleep and settle themselves again when they stir through the night - I'm not sure bed sharing helps that.

I knew someone who was still sharing a bed with her 11 year old daughter who couldn't sleep alone - did her marriage in and put paid to invites for sleepovers!

IJoinedJustToPostThis Tue 23-Jan-18 12:20:49

I don't even co-sleep with DH grin

The things your MIL is saying are completely out of order. Your DH needs to tell her to knock it off.

Hissy Tue 23-Jan-18 12:26:03

"MIL, I think it's frankly ODD and not a bit rude to suggest what I should or shouldn't do in my OWN BED, let's pack this conversation in once and for all, eh?'

Lovely456 Tue 23-Jan-18 12:27:12

Of course not, Your mil needs to get a filter.

MichaelBendfaster Tue 23-Jan-18 12:28:18

she said I am worse than an animal

Why are you still being even civil to this individual?

'Do not speak to me like that again.'

End of.

Pengggwn Tue 23-Jan-18 12:28:59

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MissMouseMcPhee Tue 23-Jan-18 12:31:10

She is being unreasonable and a bit of a dick. What did you say to her when she told you that you were worse than an animal??? Your partner/husband should be having a very firm discussion with his mother about boundaries and respect. Do you need to have him stay at her house, and does she only have one bed? If not, he should be asking her to respect your way of raising your child and stop co-sleeping, and telling her that she is undermining you. If she can't stop both undermining your decisions and being unutterably rude to you, I'd reconsider my child care options.

And I say all of this as a co-sleeping addict. My husband HATES it - light sleeper and can't handle the wriggliness. I love it and am cherishing it for as long as my kids are not horrified at the prospect of being within a meter of me.

When it got too hard for my husband to sleep we weaned our eldest off of coming into our bed by explaining how important it is for everyone to get a good night sleep for our health and concentration and developed a reward chart thing where if he slept in his bed all week without coming in to Mum and Dad, then he could have a sleepover in his bed with mum at the weekend. We still do it every now and then cos it's fun. We put all the mattresses on the floor and we all sleep in sleeping bags. It's now only every couple of months and only at weekends so it doesn't matter as much if we get a shit sleep.

Ivymaud Tue 23-Jan-18 12:33:58

You've obviously tried it, it's not for you. Fair enough. Your Mother (in law?) is more than a bit off talking to you like that. Tell her not to be so bloody rude and to mind her own business.

Ivymaud Tue 23-Jan-18 12:34:32

mother, not Mother!

HamishBamish Tue 23-Jan-18 12:35:58

We co-slept with both our children until they were around 6, but after that they have been in their own beds unless they are unwell.

It worked for us, but I quite understand why a lot of people don't do/like it. You need to be able to sleep to function adequately throughout the day. It having a child in with you doesn't allow you to do that then that's fine. I don't think it's cruel at all.

damelorente Tue 23-Jan-18 12:39:08

I discussed basically my OP with a friend and her reaction was 'so you getting your end away is more important than DS's mental well being and care?!'

I think it's a very modern thing to let a child have their own way, above parents wants/needs on every occasion. DS is lavished with love, hugs, kisses, praise, quality bonding time and so on. I don't think I should have to have a miserable nights sleep for years to please him

strawberrypenguin
DH and I also have seperate duvets, I don't know why more people don't do this! You can be under one for cuddles/sex, then for sleeping you're all wrapped up, no cold gaps or fighting over the duvet. Bliss!

AnotherShirtRuined Tue 23-Jan-18 12:41:08

Well, I enjoy co-sleeping with my children and they do too, so for me not to allow your son the comfort and/or extra security of sharing your bed on occasion (say after a nightmare) seems strange and a bit selfish. However to call you 'cruel' and 'heartless' is over the top as you are obviously not actively trying to hurt your DS and have valid reasons for your choice, whether I or your MIL agree with them on a personal level.

AnotherShirtRuined Tue 23-Jan-18 12:43:45

*whether or not

buffysummers4 Tue 23-Jan-18 12:44:05

I have attempted to co-sleep with my 5 month old and neither of us got much sleep! There is no way I would be doing it with a 5 year old (unless really ill or something, but even then I'd more likely sleep on the floor next to their bed....)

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