AIBU to not want other people to bath my baby ?

[MummyCat1711]

We have a 5mo and live near my inlaws but 300miles from my parents. My DS is the second grandchild for my inlaws and they see my nephew several times a week and my FIL used to look after him for a whole day a week before he started school.

My inlaws have literally only seen our baby a few times and have never offered to help me in anyway with him. A few weeks ago
I got upset and told my DH that I felt unsupported . He agreed that his parents make way more effort with the other grandchild compared to with our DS and asked them to see him more.

Since then both of them have messaged me and asked to see him which is great... the only issue is my FIL has started coming over every week to bath the baby. I told him that the baby gets a bit ratty around 5.30 and his bed time is 6-6.30 so it would be best if he came at 4.30. He’s self employed and works from home so there’s no reason why he couldn’t come at this time.

All three times he’s come to do this he’s arrived about 5.20 by which time the baby is grumpy and needs to be in the bath and then to sleep. FIL wants to play with him and the baby always ends up crying ..... I know a lot of people say “my baby never cries” but unless my DS is tired or hungry he really doesn’t cry much, he loves bathtime normally but all three times FIL has bathed him he’s been inconsolably crying.
He then demands to hold him after the bath when all the baby wants is a breastfeed and a cuddle from me to fall asleep. FIL holds him while he cries and it makes me feel sick to watch, all I want to do is take DS off him. When FIL leaves the baby is then past the point of tiredness and takes hours to settle to sleep when normally he’d b asleep and settled by 6.30.

I feel guilty because I can see FIL is making an effort to see the baby but I dont think it’s fair to keep upsetting DS , he’s ruining his bath time and making him overtired.

Also part of the reason we wanted the inlaws to see the baby more was to take a little bit of pressure off me, but this situation is just making my days longer and more frustrating by having to deal with an overtired baby all evening which then leaves no time for me and my DH to even eat tea in peace or have a conversation.

[DeadGood]

I get that he is stepping up and you don’t want to demean or dismiss that. But tell him he can come in the morning or afternoon, but not evening any more.

[MummyCat1711]

I do say to FIL “he’s hungry, I need to take him” but he refuses and says stuff like “ he needs to learn to be held by other people”

[MadameJosephine]

Don’t let him ‘refuse’. Your baby, your rules.

[fuzzywuzzy]

Have the baby bathed and put to bed in his usual routine, tell FIL, sorry baby’s asleep now his bedtime routine begins at 4:30 or whenever.

Do IL’s want to be helping or are they just making a point because you and DP made a point about it?

[Idontdowindows]

Don't accept his refusal. Get angry. He's pestering your tired, hungry baby!

Your husband needs to have a word!

[ThatsMyCow]

I agree you should tell him mornings or afternoons in future. I think people also sometimes feel as if timings are not as important when just popping round to their house instead of going round to do certain things or meeting in public, I think they just feel like you aren't waiting on them as much. If it were me, I'd do earlier or somewhere public like meeting at soft play for 1pm or something. At least then he knows it's set time and when it's over its over even if he's late.

[KinkyAfro]

Why does he want to bath your baby? Why not just spend time with him?

[RedHelenB]

Yabmassivelyu. You asked or help and now you're moaning about it.

[MummyCat1711]

Penggwyn - you’re right! I probably need to just say what I think, I guess I’m a bit scared of offending him, but I can’t see my baby upset just because I’m scared of offending someone!

[MummyCat1711]

RedHelenB - I agree which is why I haven’t said anything to this point , but what was supposed to be help isn’t really working out that way!

[TheBlindspot]

You need to be really firm and your DH must back you. Tell him if he comes later than half four you won't be able to let him in because bedtime routine would have begun and you don't want it disrupted. If he knocks later then you don't answer the door. He'll soon get he message. I would go wild if I went to take my crying baby from someone and they said no. Just lean over and take him!

I have just really had to put my foot down with my DM. My DD is nearly two, and a right fussy pest at dinner time, so easily distracted. It's essential that she eats well, as she takes medication after her meal that could make her poorly if she hasn't had a decent meal. My DM had got into the habit of popping in almost daily on her way home from work, usually right in the middle of dinner which basically threw it into chaos. DD just wanted to get down from the table and play, and would refuse to eat.

I've told DM she's not able to come between half 4 and 5 because that is DD's mealtime now. She ignored me a few times, so I ignored the door. She now pops in just after 5 to see DD before she starts getting ready for bed an hour later.

[Becles]

As you actually have the PILs to provide child care rather than dropping by as works for their schedule, you need to be more specific about what you want them to do when you see them and specific timings that work for you.

[Believeitornot]

Just take your baby back when he’s crying?

[TheDailyMailIsADisgustingRag]

Don’t let him hold on to your baby when he needs to be fed .

Fuck the potential ‘support’; sometimes it really isn’t worth it! My PILs don’t happen give us as much support as they do their other gc. Meh. I just leave them to it.

[WhiteWalkersWife]

Hmmm could be FIL is a bit stubborn and likes a crying baby but it reminds me of my BIL escapades with the housework- looking like he was making an effort but all for show and causing enough annoyance (and mess) for SIL to tell him to leave it forever!

Just set bounderies. After 4:30 is your time with the baby.

[vwlphb]

So let me get this straight.

Your in laws make minimal effort with your son.

You ask them to make more effort.

They make a bit more effort but basically do things however they want regardless of how it affects you or baby.

You get sick of it and tell them in no uncertain terms to do things your way.

They get the hump and get to go back to putting in minimal effort while making you out to be the bad guy.

Sorry, OP. I don’t think this one is going to go your way. Maybe you would have better luck organizing them to come over while your DH is in charge of baby so you can go off and have a sleep or get a massage or something.

[StrawberryMummy90]

Whenever he comes at that time don’t answer the door. Later on when baby is settled and asleep say ‘sorry baby was in the bath and I couldn’t leave him unattended to get the door - it’s best if you come an hour earlier and can spend some quality time with him when he’s not ratty and wanting to go to sleep’

He should get the hint after a while and come at a more appropriate time. If DH is also in say he was having a shower/shit/headache and was asleep etc.

[mydietstartsmonday]

I think you have got yourself in a bit of a pickle. You moaned you were not supportive and then you moan when your FIL comes over because it is not exactly what you want. I think YABU a little.
You know your baby's routine so you need to agree a convenient for BOTH of you for your FIL to come over.
Your husband should be supporting you not necessarily your in-laws.

[Bettyswitch]

Just set firm boundaries op.
Maybe on the night he comes around skip the bath (tell him hes already had one) and let him play.
Be assertive and tell him he is due a feed around a certain time and will be settling him for bed at a set time. If you know when he is coming, express a bit of milk and let him give the baby a feed if he will take to a bottle.
Get your DP to back you up too.
Fil is trying to help even if it doesn't feel like it.

[TittyGolightly]

A few weeks ago I got upset and told my DH that I felt unsupported . He agreed that his parents make way more effort with the other grandchild compared to with our DS and asked them to see him more.

That’s pretty unreasonable (of you and your DH).

He’s self employed and works from home so there’s no reason why he couldn’t come at this time.

Do you know that for sure? Not all self employed people are free to do whatever they like all day.

Also part of the reason we wanted the inlaws to see the baby more was to take a little bit of pressure off me, but this situation is just making my days longer and more frustrating by having to deal with an overtired baby all evening which then leaves no time for me and my DH to even eat tea in peace or have a conversation.

To be honest you sound really entitled. You can’t demand your in laws see more of your child and then make such strict demands about times. You have a 5 month old. Yes, it’s tiring. It’s the nature of the beast. When DD was that age I didn’t have family support - including DH - within 300 miles of me.

Your baby doesn’t need bathing every night. Why not skip it the nights your FIL comes round and take the pressure off yourself!

[Bellamuerte]

Don't answer the door after 4.30. Bath your baby and put him to bed on his normal schedule. Tell FIL he needs to come at 4.30 or not at all. He'll soon get the message. And don't let anyone refuse to hand over your baby under any circumstances!