To be annoyed with friend?(6 Posts)
Have nc for this as people in rl know my usual user name.
I work with DP and some mutual friends of ours. There is form in our place of work for people being fairly un-pc and jokily flirting as 'banter' 🙄
When DP and I had only just started dating (literally only just) friend and DP kissed. When I say kissed, they were messing about having a laugh, DP puckered up and friend said she wasn't one to back down and gave him a peck on the lips. Genuinely believe they both thought the other one would back down and both looked shocked and a bit uncomfortable that the other one hadn't.
Friend has long term DP by the way and neither DP or friend have feelings for each other (know them both v well).
I felt a bit uneasy about it but didn't feel like I had much of a right to as we weren't officially together and everything was very new. I did have a conversation with DP that evening and said that I did find it a bit disrespectful, I understood it was a joke but if that sort of thing happened again I wouldn't be interested in taking things any further. He said he was glad I brought it up, he felt really awkward about it and said it definitely wouldn't.
Friend however, is starting to piss me off. This was over a year ago and nothing has happened since to make me feel uncomfortable. But every time she is a bit annoyed with me, she makes some 'hilarious' comment about how she will just kiss DP again, or she flirts with him in front of me.
I did bring it up with her once, she was very upset that she'd upset me and said she meant nothing by it bla bla bla. And yet it is still happening.
I'm confused because she is one of those people who in every other regard has a heart of gold and would do anything for anyone. Our kids play together and she's helped me out lots of times (I've helped her out too, it's not one sided) but this is really driving a wedge between us from my point of view because I hate the lack of respect and just find it very passive aggressive. It is also making DP very uncomfortable.
I'm thinking of calling her on it one final time next time she does it and if it happens again past then, pulling back from the friendship. But I don't know if I'm BU considering I know nothing would ever actually happen and that she's a brilliant friend in every other regard?
Some people don't seem to be able to stop going back to bits of shared history over and over and over and... Don't call her on it when it's happening, just quietly sit her down when you're both relaxed and say that it's all been fun (little white lie) but it's starting to make your DP uncomfortable so it's time to draw a line under it and stop bringing it up.
How often is she bringing it up? A year isn’t very long so for it to be bugging you this much it must be more than a couple of times.
Considering she knows you don’t like it I think it’s quite mean of her to do this. I’d agree that bring it up with her one more time then back off from the friendship
I think I would start withdrawing from the friendship without saying anything to her. She will know why.
Mumonashoestring that's not a bad idea, and much less confrontational. I think I'll try that first, thank you if that doesn't work I will follow Leeds suggestion.
User it's multiple times a week so yeah, not rarely! And when I say she does it when she's annoyed with me it's normally over little things - for example, I have recently changed roles at work into something a bit busier that I'm still getting my head around so I can't always make the same break we all used to go on if I'm in the middle of something. Friend keeps getting annoyed with me because of it and will make a reference along the lines of "fine, gives DP and me some private time then" etc.
I realise out of context this makes her sound awful. She really isn't, she's lovely. I think she's just pushing it because we're all known for having a fairly thick skin at work and normally taking everything as a joke. To be fair, if it was only happening occasionally it's likely this wouldn't even come up on my radar, but the frequency of it is grating on me!
Oh god, that workplace sounds tricky – I think lines can be blurred when professional and personal overlap.
I think PPs have given great advice OP. Be firm (but calm, not confrontational) and explain you are not comfortable with this type of joke. If she persists, ignore her and get on with your work or busy yourself (the good thing about it being work is when you don’t want to talk you can just, well, work!) – she’ll soon understand you’re not putting up with it.
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