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AIBU to ask for the repayment of this loan?

(109 Posts)
Smudge100 Mon 22-Jan-18 18:37:39

My niece decided a couple of years ago to retrain in a new profession – she is 38 and married with one child – and was going to take out a hefty commercial loan to pay for living expenses and tuition fees etc. I offered to loan her the money instead on a no interest basis, so that she wasn’t tied up in interest repayments as well as the repayment of the loan itself. I have no children of my own and can afford it and it was in fact my original intention to gift her the money, on the basis that she would inherit from me at some stage anyway. She expressed suitable gratitude at the time.

At Christmas we all gathered at her mother’s, my sister’s. I hadn’t seen her since last year and was looking forward to seeing her. However, from the look on her face when I greeted her, it was clear that my sentiments were not reciprocated. At one stage, she and I found ourselves alone in sitting room. I asked her a few questions about how the course was going and how she was etc.etc. perfectly normal conversation. She gave absolutely minimal answers and didn’t ask me anything about myself at all. At one point, unable to suppress the ennui she felt in my company, she sighed audibly. She later posted on FB a picture of a woman looking fresh and alert with the caption: ‘arriving for Christmas’. Next to it was a picture of the same woman, looking haggard and clutching the steering wheel of her car with the caption: ‘Three days later – I need a drink!’ I think it sums up her feelings about being around her mother, stepfather and myself. Obviously she can post whatever she likes on her own FB page but she knew that I would see it.

The course is ending later in the year and I believe she is fairly confident of securing employment in her chosen field (despite it requiring a degree of physical agility and her being seriously obese). As I say, it was my original intention to write off the debt, but as she has made her feelings towards me so abundantly clear, I am now disinclined to do so. I am also considering changing my will. There are plenty of charities that i support that would be grateful for my money and I would rather see them benefit than this entitled young woman. What would you do in my position? Am I over-reacting? All opinions welcome!

blackteasplease Mon 22-Jan-18 18:40:02

She doesn't even know you were planning to write off the debt? Then definitely yabu to change your mind as nothing was promised.

Louiselouie0890 Mon 22-Jan-18 18:43:12

Why don't you just try speaking to her about it? They're might have been something up? What's with the dig at her weight?

KimmySchmidt1 Mon 22-Jan-18 18:45:57

Firstly, you are committing a crime if you are lending money without appropriste regulatory authorisations, so you have very few rights here, especially if you originally indicated it was a gift and never agreed how it would be repaid. So you are probably not entitled to the money back.

Secondly you have pretty flimsy evidence on which to be offended and you seem to me to be jumping to some pretty big conclusions about how her behaviour is all about you. you shouldn't be holding this over her head as a way to get the appropriate level of deference and crawling that you feel entitled to.

Stop using your money to control your family, it is sick.

Hoppinggreen Mon 22-Jan-18 18:48:56

So you want your money back because she didnt kiss your arse enough at Christmas?
You sound lovely

glow1984 Mon 22-Jan-18 18:49:54

If you, originally, told her she wouldn't have to pay it back, you are being unreasonable.

It doesn't sound like your relationship was ever that great if you hadn't seen her in a year.

Pemba Mon 22-Jan-18 18:50:22

Did anything happen between you in the time between lending her the money and Christmas? Seems strange if you were presumably quite friendly before that- as you say you were looking forward to seeing her.

I thought you were going to say she had dropped out of the course, so she felt awkward about that.

mrsharrison Mon 22-Jan-18 18:50:43

Instead of being confrontational, text her asking if everything is ok as she seemed unhappy at Christmas.
You obviously love her so give her some slack.

AnneLovesGilbert Mon 22-Jan-18 18:51:11

Well what were the terms you agreed?

At what point was she going to start paying you back? Once she’s got a job? Once she’s earning a certain amount?

I assume you agreed something in writing?

MrsMaxwell Mon 22-Jan-18 18:51:35

Since when has it been illegal to lend/borrow money between friends and family confused

Fattymcfaterson Mon 22-Jan-18 18:53:08

No idea what supposed crime you're commiting. What an odd comment.

If the money was initially loaned then YANBU to ask for it back, or at least set up some kind of payment plan.
If the money was a gift then that's different and YABU

kaytee87 Mon 22-Jan-18 18:53:29

So her crimes were that she had 'a look on her face', wasn't chatty and sighed once.

Do you think perhaps she's tired, ill, has marriage or child problems etc? Why do you think it was about you? Did you miss something out?

Not sure why you had to mention her weight hmm

kaytee87 Mon 22-Jan-18 18:54:42

@KimmySchmidt1 it is not illegal to lend family and friends money. What a bizarre comment.

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered Mon 22-Jan-18 18:55:08

If you didn't say you didn't want the money back then YADNBU to ask for it back - as far as she's concerned nothing will have changed.

And hopping don't be such a dick, OP didn't say she wanted her arse kissed, just some common courtesy which surely any relative (bar complete narcs) should expect, particularly one who's been so incredibly generous.

miaows Mon 22-Jan-18 18:55:52

Tbf it sounds like she is stressed out. I know when I was doing final exams, rearing my family etc I was like a demon especially over Xmas and stuff. Maybe ring her and see how she is.

Gazelda Mon 22-Jan-18 18:56:17

Maybe her subdued attitude was not to do with you? Is it possible she had other things on her mind? Why not (as pp suggested) pick up the phone and have a chat.of course YWNBU to ask for repayment of the loan (under the terms previously agreed), but it seems a bit extreme to change your will because you had a few awkward moments at Christmas.

tenbob Mon 22-Jan-18 18:57:30

Firstly, you are committing a crime if you are lending money without appropriste regulatory authorisations

Errr wtf?!

Why do people post totally nonsense on here with such conviction?!
Kimmy, where on earth did you get the idea it's illegal to lend money to family?!

al400 Mon 22-Jan-18 18:58:22

Can't you just phone her and ask*if she's OK as her behaviour at Xmas was out of character etc?

FrancisCrawford Mon 22-Jan-18 18:59:03

A 38 year old parent who is unable to be polite to her aunt who has done her a massive favour out of the goodness of her heart? She can’t even summon up the basic manners to make small talk? She sounds very unpleasant.

This is a mature woman, not some gauche teen. I’d just leave her be, wait until she has finished the course and then contact her asking when she will begin repayments. Be prepared not to see a penny of it though.

And change your will, if that is what you want to do. It’s your money to do with as you please, and you have seen first-hand exactly how much your niece appreciates your family spirit.

Crumbs1 Mon 22-Jan-18 19:02:08

Shes not a child anymore and shouldn’t behave like one. I think you should speak to her about how upset her behaviour made you feel. There may have been something else going on in her life, she may be struggling with the course (particularly physical aspects).

How was her husband behaving? How was she reacting with her child? It sounds like you love her and are a kind and generous person so you could probably find it in yourself to reach out a bit further and tell her you are worried about her behaviour.

Winteriscoming18 Mon 22-Jan-18 19:02:30

She could be having personal problems that your not aware of, stress of the course childcare issues, anything. I think your jumping the gun here massively.

Eltonjohnssyrup Mon 22-Jan-18 19:03:14

OP, I think the best course of action here is to email her and ask how she is. Say that you didn't think she seemed herself at Christmas and you're hoping she is okay.

Really, we shouldn't reject people we love because of one off day.

Whocansay Mon 22-Jan-18 19:03:52

If you told her that you were giving her the money, you can't now change your mind. I don't know why you don't just have a conversation with her to see what was wrong?

ThroughThickAndThin01 Mon 22-Jan-18 19:06:35

I think you've been very generous, and she doesn't deserve it. What a rude woman.

ThroughThickAndThin01 Mon 22-Jan-18 19:07:29

Why can't the OP change her mind?

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