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AIBU to not understand this bs around 'step' children?

(260 Posts)
WitchyMama3 Mon 22-Jan-18 10:38:03

^^ Just that.

I've only recently joined mumsnet to be able to post but I've been 'lurking' for the better part of a year or so and every thread I've come across where 'step' children are involved are just awful to read.

Just because a child doesn't share the same DNA does that mean they are not entitled to a shred of decency?
They haven't asked to be put in this situation so why do so many mumsnet users see fit to treat them as second class citizens?

MrsMaxwell Mon 22-Jan-18 10:40:25

I don’t think they do - I think the way step parents are treated and perceived on here is quite frankly vile as is the attitude of your OP.

Even on the step parenting forum here step parents esp mums are vilified and cannot do right for doing wrong.

MrsMaxwell Mon 22-Jan-18 10:41:16

Most step parenting threads on AIBU the OP gets flamed and the post gets deleted.

WorraLiberty Mon 22-Jan-18 10:44:26

Every thread?

I expect you missed the ones where not as second class citizens

Easily done if you've been lurking for a year, without having made an account, enabling you to use the bookmarking/watch this thread options.

WorraLiberty Mon 22-Jan-18 10:44:44

*treated

Birdsgottafly Mon 22-Jan-18 10:44:49

I agree and if the Stepmum doesn't have children then she is expected to fully share the costs of the children, put her life on hold, yet not question anything to do with the children, even if they are being extremely disrespectful and willfully destroy her house.

stitchglitched Mon 22-Jan-18 10:47:23

There are a lot of parenting/relationship threads in general where the lack of concern for the welfare of the kids involved is pretty shocking.

'I've moved in my bf of 6 months and he is horrible to my kids', 'me and my partner have 6 kids between us and now another baby on the way but no room, is it okay to take the stepkids bedroom away?' 'I can't stand my 7 year old stepdaughter, she's so clingy and awful but I moved in anyway and decided it's fine for her to live with an adult who hates her'. 'My partner is a useless lazy arsehole and I'm now pregnant with our 4th baby'.

The casualness with which some people appear to create kids and blend families is alien to me.

araiwa Mon 22-Jan-18 10:48:09

Lots of people are so bad that the only way they can feel better about themselves is by trying to belittle others.

Some are so blinded by their own bitterness they gladly contradict themselves just to attack someone else.

Ignore them

Dahlietta Mon 22-Jan-18 10:48:23

You think the step children are expected to be treated like second class citizens? That is the exact opposite of pretty much every thread I've ever read about stepchildren.

WitchyMama3 Mon 22-Jan-18 10:50:05

Either I've not explained my OP correctly or you've misread, that could be entirely my fault..... The point I'm getting at is pretty much what you've said.

A step parent can't do right for doing wrong, they're either too involved or not involved enough, but what I was mainly getting at is where the children are concerned.

When someone has posted asking for help etc, like the one that's currently going now where the posters mum won't accept his step children, and everyone's jumping at him because, 'they must have other GP's so why should his mum take them on too' etc

If you get what I mean

ZoopDragon Mon 22-Jan-18 10:50:09

I think the step parent has a responsibility to treat them as their own. But not grandparents/extended family. My parents always struggled to accept my step children- they were kind and caring but had no real interest in them. They were someone else's grandchildren.

Bluelady Mon 22-Jan-18 10:50:24

There are lots of very odd views about all sorts of things on MN. Some posts take my breath away. Equally there are some very kind and thoughtful posts. Just like life really.

MrsMaxwell Mon 22-Jan-18 10:50:44

Unless you are prepared to allow your step children to have an extension built into your house with separate bedrooms for them, move to the other end of the country and give up your job and live separately from your husband (all things I have been told I should do on MN as a step parebt) then you are an evil bitch who should rot in hell.

Pickleypickles Mon 22-Jan-18 10:52:48

I agree with pp step mums are villified a lot on MN, god forbid they have an opinion on the kids, especially if they havent had kids themselves.

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 Mon 22-Jan-18 10:54:00

Witchy
I think I know the thread that has spawned your post. For what's it's worth that poster can't demand his mother love his 3 step children the same as his 2 biological children. What he can ask is they are treated the same. I don't really think his mum was being mean about the step children, more a case of not wanting to get attached incase they split up kind of scenario.

Iliketeabagging Mon 22-Jan-18 10:54:22

Too often it's about what the adults want, and children are expected to fit in comfortably. Life isn't always that simple.

Dahlietta Mon 22-Jan-18 10:55:43

Yes, sorry, just looked at the thread you mentioned and there are indeed some, erm, surprising views on there! I agree with you about the vilification of stepmothers - just normally I find that that does not extend to step children where in fact the opposite is normally true.

FooFighter99 Mon 22-Jan-18 11:00:02

Do you have step children Witchy?

If not, then kindly go back to lurking.

Step parenting is fucking hard and sometimes we come on here to rant and yes, sometimes we may appear to not like our step children BUT please do not think us all "wicked stepmothers" from the tiny snapshot of our lives that we post about here.

Blackteadrinker77 Mon 22-Jan-18 11:02:12

I agree, it is not nice reading.

RedDogsBeg Mon 22-Jan-18 11:02:16

Any post mentioning stepchildren or being a stepparent brings out opposing extreme views, there seems very little middle ground and the topic seems to hit a raw nerve with a lot of posters.

Whatever the stepparent is having an issue with whether minor or major most of the posts focus on the fact there are stepparents/stepchildren and not on the issue in question.

Stepmums are always asked if they were the OW and God help her if she says yes as that brings the flaming torch and pitchfork brigade out in full attack mode.

ghostyslovesheets Mon 22-Jan-18 11:05:49

is it time for another one of these threads?

OP I find step parents are treated like other posters - if they post stuff that makes them look like dicks they get called on it - if not they don't

just like other posters

TeenTimesTwo Mon 22-Jan-18 11:07:06

It seems to me that often there are issues because of
a) the exes not communicating with each other & lack of trust
b) different parenting rules in different houses
c) the step parent feeling ignored or taken for granted or disrespected
d) that when issues hit in teens there isn't the unconditional love and years of bonding that there is with a bio child
e) different financials in different houses

I think step parenting must be very hard, and I take my hat off to all the blended families who do make it work.

rocketgirl22 Mon 22-Jan-18 11:09:13

It is revolting to read. Who knew so much hatred and anger would be just under the surface.

Bluelady Mon 22-Jan-18 11:13:30

Step parenting is a complete minefield. However I've survived nearly 20 years of being a step mum by keeping out of all disputes involving the kids - not my business - and being their friend. They've got their own mum, they don't need another one.

beverlybothered Mon 22-Jan-18 11:18:53

I have a thread at the moment called 'DM wont accept my step children'. Your right I didnt expect so many MN users to have such horribel veiws regarding step children. Absolutely disgusting.
Its also extremely weird that the same mothers who get furious over fathers walking out on a family seem to get equally furious over a father walking in to a family?
I love my all my children equally, the only difference between my step and bio children is that I just happened to not be having sex with my partner the night they were conceived, means nothing.

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