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DM wont accept my step kids

(326 Posts)

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beverlybothered Mon 22-Jan-18 08:59:36

I am a father to 5 children, 2 biological and 3 step. My family had a lot of trouble when me and my DP got together over me taking on someone else’s children, we thought they had accepted it.
After picking my dm this morning up on a few things such as not bothering about my step children’s birthdays/achievements etc, not referring to them as her grandchildren and just generally treating them so much different than my biological children, she admitted she will never love them or see them as her grandchildren and that she will never be happy that I am ‘pretending’ they are my kids when their not.

I’ve always had a turbulent relationship with my mother and there was a period when we were NC for 15 years.
AIBU to cut her off from all of her GC if she doesn’t make an effort with all of them? I know who I care about most and it’s not my DM

strangerhoesagain Mon 22-Jan-18 09:00:22

She isn’t obliged to accept them.

mojito55 Mon 22-Jan-18 09:00:51

How long have you been with your DP and do your stepchildren see their biological dad?

RadioGaGoo Mon 22-Jan-18 09:02:05

She isn't obliged to accept them, but it's a cold hearted person who treats them so obviously differently.

beverlybothered Mon 22-Jan-18 09:03:33

@strangerhoesagain

Of course, but that is completely unfair on the children. What i'm asking is not does she have to but Aibu to stop her seeing all the kids if she dosnt?

@mojito55

5 years. Maybe a few times a year but they live with us full time and they dont see him as or call him dad.

Greensleeves Mon 22-Jan-18 09:03:58

She may not be "obliged to accept them", but any decent adult would treat children of the family like family children. It's just a basic level o f kindness not to treat them like second-class citizens, isn't it? Would she treat a foster child with coldness and consider them "less than"?

She's a cow.

kaytee87 Mon 22-Jan-18 09:04:40

How long has she known them? It's a bit much to just expect someone to love unrelated children exactly the same as their own grandchildren. Love grows with time and may never be the same depending what age they were when she met them and how often she sees them etc.

beverlybothered Mon 22-Jan-18 09:04:57

@RadioGaGoo

Exactly, she isnt oblidged to but I would expect any decent person to and someone who dosnt I dont think I want around any of my DC

stickytoffeevodka Mon 22-Jan-18 09:05:52

She should treat them all fairly, but I do think it's unrealistic to expect her to see them as her own family - I expect she sees them as your girlfriends kids and nothing more.

beverlybothered Mon 22-Jan-18 09:09:08

@Greensleeves

Thankyou. Adoption is something me and my partner are considering for the future and just as we wouldnt love the adopted child less than our other DC we wouldnt expect anybody else to.

@kaytee87

Shes known my step children longer than shes known my biological children. Tbh its not about how she feels, it dosnt really matter if she feels she cant love them as much as her own GC (although I do think thats disgusting), its how she acts.

patronsaintoftruth Mon 22-Jan-18 09:09:15

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sonlypuppyfat Mon 22-Jan-18 09:12:54

Surely she's a grown woman , you can't make her feel something for them

Amanduh Mon 22-Jan-18 09:13:21

I don’t think she’s being unreasonable. She is BU if she’s actually horrible to them, yes. But they aren't her grandchildren and I wouldn’t expect her to treat them as such or refer to them as her grandchildren - they’re not! I would expect her to be nice to them.

highinthesky Mon 22-Jan-18 09:13:37

Can she at least make an efffort to accept that biological or not, they will be part of your life?

Think about the impact on your step children, they don’t deserve to be so obviously discriminated against. Ensuring limited contact with your DM might be the answer.

beverlybothered Mon 22-Jan-18 09:15:08

@stickytoffeevodka

Yes thats my main issue, I want them to be treated fairly and I dont really care asmuch if they are seen fairly. But they are more than my gitlfriends children.

@patronsaintoftruth

Wow. I see them as my children, I treat them as my children, I love them as much as I love my chidlrem. I'm not 'playing' anything, its not a game.

RadioGaGoo Mon 22-Jan-18 09:15:16

'Playing Daddy'. Wow.

Sophieelmer Mon 22-Jan-18 09:16:51

I don’t think it is healthy for your children or step children to be treated so differently. I don’t think you can say or should be particularly bothered by how she feels, just by how she behaves. Even if she doesn’t love them, that doesn’t mean she can’t show some decency as an adult and treat them fairly. Sh is doing her ‘GC’ no favours with her biased treatment.
Ignore the playing daddy bs, no one throughs those accusations at other adults who step in to parent children that for whatever reason haven’t got an involved committed parent in their lives. I don’t know a single adult that had a loving caring step parent that thinks of that person as playing mummy or daddy, that’s just lazy BS

QueenofmyPrinces Mon 22-Jan-18 09:16:54

They aren’t her grandchildren though.

She shouldn’t overtly treat them differently but of course shes likely to feel more for her own real grandchildren than she does for your stepchildren.

You can ask her to treat them the same but you can’t ask her to love them the same.

stickytoffeevodka Mon 22-Jan-18 09:17:33

But to her, they're probably not, are they?

You're not married and legally they're nothing to do with you. Maybe she thinks you shouldn't be spending so much time on someone else's children when she could leave tomorrow and you might never see them again?

I would suggest getting married and maybe going for some kind of parental responsibility or going down the adoption route if that's what you want.

I think it's great you're so committed to her children but I think you need to get it down legally or if things go wrong you could all get very hurt. She could take those kids and move wherever she wanted and there's nothing you could do about it.

beverlybothered Mon 22-Jan-18 09:18:02

@sonlypuppyfat

Thats not what I asked, I know I cant make her feel anything. What I asked is that if she dosnt AUBU to not let her seen any of the kids.

@highinthesky

Thats what I thought, her attitude is extremely harmful to all my children.

Sophieelmer Mon 22-Jan-18 09:18:10

*throws! Obs

QuizzlyBear Mon 22-Jan-18 09:18:49

My step mum long-term fostered when we were kids and her MIL was like this. She'd make a point of buying for the 'real' grandkids and totally ignore or buy an offensively tiny gift for the foster kids (think a pair of Poundland tights vs an expensive computer game). My mum lost the plot and insisted that either she treat them all the same, no matter how she felt inside, or she forfeited the relationship. It's not about her feelings or lack of them, it's about kindness, inclusivity and empathy.

TwitterQueen1 Mon 22-Jan-18 09:19:01

I'm afraid you are the one BU here, not your DM. And if you go NC with her who would that benefit? That's cutting off your nose to spite your face. In fact I think it would be very divisive and potentially disruptive to your own DC if you make this a reason for NC.

They are not and never will be her GC. Yes, of course she should ideally show some level of interest in them but it will never be the same as if they were her own GC.

MidniteScribbler Mon 22-Jan-18 09:22:12

It's a bit much to just expect someone to love unrelated children exactly the same as their own grandchildren.

She may not feel the same for them as for her biological grandchildren, but you still treat them all equally, and you never utter any statement that makes those children feel any less than another child.

PeacefulBlessing Mon 22-Jan-18 09:22:38

You haven’t adopted them. They aren’t yours. You Playing daddy doesn’t make them her grandchildren.

Wow, what a shitty comment.

OP my exh and I got together when my son was 15 months old. He has brought him up as his own (biological father disappeared at 11th hour) and his mother has always referred to my son as her "eldest grandchild" / "first grandchild".

After we separated, contact included both my son and his biological child and my ex paid maintenance until he was 18. He and his family still regard my son as their "eldest grandchild"/"nephew"/"cousin".

In fact, it feels uncomfortable calling him "my son". My exh and I both regard them as dad/son.

I think your mother is wrong.

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