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Is DH deliberately leaving DD at Nursery? and why?

(672 Posts)
ThreeDaysAWeek Mon 22-Jan-18 02:26:43

First post, but long time lurker.

DD (whose 2) goes to Nursery 3 days a week. I drop her off at 7.30am, and get to work for 8amish, then work 8.15am – 4.45pm apart from Friday when I finish at 3.45pm. Nursery closes at 5.30pm so there’s no way on a Tuesday and Wednesday I can get to pick her up in time.

DH works full time but does 7am-2pm, and works a short walk from our home, so is home by 2.15pm every day. On a Tuesday and Wednesday we agreed he’d walk the mile to the Nursery and pick DD up, we pay for her to be in until 5.30pm so I’ve said to DH that as long as he gets her by then he can game/chill out at home for those 2 and half hours he’s got spare. Literally all he needs to do is take care of DD for that walk as I’m usually only a few minutes at most behind him getting through the door usually I get in just before they do.

Last week I had to attend a Staff Meeting after work on Tuesday and there was an accident on the motorway on Wednesday so I got stuck in traffic so was home late both days. I’ve just received an invoice from the Nursery –I deal with all paperwork regarding the Nursery etc so it comes to my email-- asking the payment for “unarranged late pickup” for two days last week; Tuesday and Wednesday (it’s not unusual to receive these things in the middle of the night as the finance manager is also a member of normal nursery staff so works with the children in the day!). According to the invoice on Tuesday she was picked up at 5.45pm, and on Wednesday at 6pm. This is the 3rd time in as many months I’ve received an invoice.

DH won’t tell me what he’s doing to make him late to pick DD up from Nursery and claims the Nursery are being overly fussy about “5 minutes or so”. I know they won’t be as it states in the contract with them they only charge from 15 minutes or more lateness so I know he must be being late to pick her up by that much. So my only conclusion is it must be deliberate.

It’s not a huge amount of money (£5 for every 15 minutes your late so £15 for the entire invoice) and we can afford it but it doesn’t seem fair to be delayed deliberately when DH has the time to pick her up.
DH is definitely not cheating/having an affair, firstly he works in a mostly male environment where the gossip is rife and no-one can even go the toilet without someone knowing and secondly my brother works with him (DH recommended DBro for the job) so my brother would be aware and would most definitely tell me if DH was getting some somewhere else –we’re twins and have always been close, we literally predict when we’re going to text/phone each other, even my mum finds it weird!--. He doesn’t go anywhere and has no hobbies apart from “gaming” (don’t get me started) so there’s definitely no OW.

So AIBU to think DH is deliberately leaving DD in Nursery? And if so what’s he doing?

KeepingMySpreadsheetUpToDate Mon 22-Jan-18 02:30:04


esk1mo Mon 22-Jan-18 02:30:11

is he maybe just bad with time? always late? he might see it that you both pay the fees, whats 10 more minutes.

tell him that from now on he has to be there at 5:15pm, maybe then he will turn up at 5.30pm.

Plumsofwrath Mon 22-Jan-18 02:31:12

He’s got caught up in his gaming and doesn’t want to stop at a “crucial” time.

Fascinate Mon 22-Jan-18 02:32:04

You've answered your own question - gaming. It's as much an addiction as booze, nicotine and gambling, even if it's not, it's very easy to "Just play one more game" and be half an hour, or more, late.

ThreeDaysAWeek Mon 22-Jan-18 02:34:57

You're all right, it probably is his game (bloody playstation). Now how to tackle it?

Rainbunny Mon 22-Jan-18 02:38:17

Given that he's been late by 15-30 mins at the most I doubt he's up to anything nefarious. It sounds to me like he is being lazy and a bit irresponsible in leaving late to pick up your DC and it's in danger of becoming a habit. He also isn't respecting other people's time and commitments either, it's not fair to the nursery staff and I would think they might not allow your DC to keep attending in future of it carries on.

ThreeDaysAWeek Mon 22-Jan-18 02:42:39

Rain That is a worry, DD loves Nursery and the staff are amazing so I'd hate for her to lose her place for it, so need to tackle it now.

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree Mon 22-Jan-18 02:44:46

How did he know you would be late Home both those days so he could take the piss? Had you called him?

Frillyhorseyknickers Mon 22-Jan-18 02:45:29

Now how to tackle it?

That depends. Personally if it were me I would throw it in the bin and tell him to grow the fuck up. 3+ hours of gaming per day as a grown man is pathetic

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree Mon 22-Jan-18 02:46:40

Btw, it’s clearly a deliberate decision to be late as he manages to be on time the days you get home just before him. He has obviously just thought “fuck it, wife is going to be later back, I’ve got an extra half hour on the PlayStation”

ThreeDaysAWeek Mon 22-Jan-18 02:47:49

Donny The Tuesday was arranged as I get told about staff meetings a month in advance so he'd have known about that.

The Wednesday I have no idea how he ended up being late as obviously I didn't know I was going to be.

tillytown Mon 22-Jan-18 02:48:41

Get him to pick her up as soon as he finishes work? Then he'll never be late, and she won't be missing out as she'll still have 7 hours there

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree Mon 22-Jan-18 02:50:02

Maybe he heard about the accident on the motorway on the news?

ThreeDaysAWeek Mon 22-Jan-18 02:51:11

tilly Isn't that a waste of money? If he picks her up at say 2.30pm we're still paying for her to be there until 5.30pm so losing 9 hours a week at Nursery which is paid for. Half day finishes at 1pm so can't cut her to half days.

Hidingtonothing Mon 22-Jan-18 02:53:32

How did he know you would be late Home both those days so he could take the piss? Had you called him?

This. Assuming he must have known you were running late could it be a sort of kick back/punishment thing towards you? Is there any resentment about the pick up arrangements for DD or towards your job maybe? Just wondering if it's some sort of passive aggressive thing, sort of 'well it's ok for you to be late so I will be too'? I could be way off the mark but thought it was worth mentioning.

ThreeDaysAWeek Mon 22-Jan-18 02:57:04

He's never mentioned any resentment about my job, loves his own job and helped me choose a Nursery for DD.

He actually likes the amount of free time he gets compared to me, even though I work less hours than him purely because of the hours I actually do and the days I'm not working being spent with DD.

WhatNowHarry Mon 22-Jan-18 02:57:07

I will probably get flamed but.... why would you not want to collect a 2 year old who has been at nursery since 7.30am at say 2.30pm or 3pm if he needs to have a bit of downtime? That's still 7 hours she's away.

It's very disrespectful to nursery staff who actually, thanks to your dh actions, can't leave work on time. If they need to pick up their children/want to go home.
He's selfish.

ThreeDaysAWeek Mon 22-Jan-18 03:05:51

Because What we pay for her to do a full day. It works out at around £5.50 per hour, and if we took her out at 3pm she'd lose 2.5 hours in Nursery as we pay until 5.30pm, so that's 7.5 hours a week we're losing of time, that's over £40 of hours we're not using, that can feed us for a week!

But I am seriously considering asking him to get her at 3pm instead. The arrangement works until he does stuff like this.

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree Mon 22-Jan-18 03:08:59

she'd lose 2.5 hours in Nursery

Yes but she’d gain 2.5 hours onegrinne daddy time!! You aren’t losing the money. It’s gone whether she is there or not.

SockUnicorn Mon 22-Jan-18 03:09:30

That’s a very long time to be at a nursery aged 2. If I were you I would get your DH to go get her when he finishes and have some one on one time with her. When she’s 5 and at school he won’t get the chance. My DH works full time, long hours, so if he ever finished early he would go straight to pick DDs up and take them for an ice cream / treat. And they only did 9-3 at nursery 2 days a week. In regards to the waste of money - it’s a sunk cost. Already gone whichever way this plays out. So ignore that. I would just think where would serve your DD more to be. With daddy, at home, reading/playing or at nursery.

HerRoyalNotness Mon 22-Jan-18 03:10:52

You have to pay for the hours either way, so just think of it as being available for the convenience if you need her to stay until 5.30. Picking her up earlier
Than that is a bonus so she can spend time with a parent. Maybe go to the park with her DF or something

wetsnow Mon 22-Jan-18 03:14:22

No way would my dh be gaming all afternoon if dd was in nursery... takes the piss.
Does he do any house work in that time? My Dh would get on with jobs so that we could have free weekends to do nice things.

ThreeDaysAWeek Mon 22-Jan-18 03:18:38

wet Yes he'll sort out food for tea for me and him on those 3 days, he puts a load of washing in if it needs it and will hoover up as well. Changes the beds when they need doing.

MidniteScribbler Mon 22-Jan-18 03:19:14

Because What we pay for her to do a full day. It works out at around £5.50 per hour, and if we took her out at 3pm she'd lose 2.5 hours in Nursery as we pay until 5.30pm, so that's 7.5 hours a week we're losing of time, that's over £40 of hours we're not using, that can feed us for a week!

It's not about the money. It's about quality time between him and his daughter. When DS was in daycare, if there were anyway I could get away from work early I would do so and we'd go and do something fun, or even just go home and watch something on TV together.

Your husband is a grown man, and doesn't need to be spending three hours a day playing a computer game, when he could be parenting his child, or actually doing something around the house to help out.

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